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Topic started by NOV on Wed Sep 21 22:09:22 2005. [Full View]

For 99 pages of jokes, go here: http://www.forumhub.mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=106&

Razz

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From: NOV on Wed Sep 21 22:18:28 2005. [Full View]

A man returned from church and lifted his wife high and started dancing around.

The very pleased wife asked: "Did the Father ask you to be more romantic?"

"No," replied the suddenly solemn husband, "he asked us to carry our own burdens."
From: NOV on Wed Sep 21 23:20:13 2005. [Full View]

Have you seen the Made-in-Malaysia car "Kancil"? You know, that very little 600cc car ???

Well, Dr M really wanted to sell it to the US , so when Dr M paid a visit to the White House after finishing formal discussions with George Bush, Dr M checks with Bush to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in the USA.

After looking at the brochure, Bush said, "You know, I think this 'Kernchill' is too small for us Americans."

Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Bush offered, "Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America ."

Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia. The next day he calls the number and a lady answers,"TOYS r US", how can I help you?"
From: Badri on Wed Sep 21 23:31:27 2005. [Full View]

In case anyone wants to see the toy-car, here it is
From: scorpio on Thu Sep 22 1:24:38 2005. [Full View]

Oxford addes a new word to dictionary :
Word : Ganguly.

Example Sentence:
His attendance in office is 'ganguly' .

It means he comes and goes immediately ....
From: a.ratchasi on Fri Sep 23 2:03:23 2005. [Full View]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.
From: scorpio on Fri Sep 23 2:12:16 2005. [Full View]
From: NOV on Fri Sep 23 5:00:31 2005. [Full View]

The following was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista, CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to "explain God".

EXPLANATION OF GOD:

"One of God's main jobs are making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off."

"God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren't any who come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K."

"His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

"You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God! Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

"But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God."
From: Badri on Fri Sep 23 5:16:31 2005. [Full View]

That is so touching!! Hardly a joke! Methinks Interesting Anecdotes would be a better place, NOV.
From: ts on Fri Sep 23 5:34:19 2005. [Full View]

75 Top reasons why its great to be a guy!

1 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2 You know stuff about tanks.
3 A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4 Football
5 You don�t have to monitor your friends�sex lives.
6 You can open all your own jars.
7 Old friends don�t give you crap if you�ve lost or gained weight.
8 Dry cleaners and haircutters don�t rob you blind.
9 When clicking through the channels, you don�t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
10 Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
11 A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
12 Guys in hockey masks don�t attack you.
13 You don�t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
14 If the car breaks down you can fix it instead of waiting for the AA.
15 You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
16 Your last name stays put.
17 You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
18 When your work is criticized, you don�t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
19 You can kill your own food.
20 The garage is all yours.
21 You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22 You see the humour in 'Terms of Endearment'.
23 You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
24 Wedding plans take care of themselves.
25 If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
26 Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
27 None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
28 You don�t have to shave below the neck.
29 You don�t have to curl up to a hairy ass every night.
30 If you are 34 and single nobody notices.
31 Everything on your face stays its original colour.
32 Chocolate is just another snack.
33 Powertools are more fun then nail files.
34 You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
35 Flowers fix everything.
36 You never have to worry about other people�s feelings.
37 You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
38 You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
39 Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
40 You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
41 You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
42 Michael Bolton doesn�t live in your universe.
43 Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
44 You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
45 You don�t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
46 Car mechanics tell the truth.
47 You don�t give a rat�s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
48 You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking 'he must be mad at me'.
49 You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
50 You get to jump up and slap stuff.
51 One mood, all the time.
52 You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
53 You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too skeevy.
54 You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
55 Same work, more pay.
56 Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
57 You don�t care if someone is talking behind your back.
58 You don�t mooch off others� desserts.
59 The remote is yours and yours alone.
60 People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them.
61 Your car doesn�t look like a sardine can.
62 You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
63 You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
64 You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
65 You needn�t pretend you�re 'freshening up' to go to the bathroom.
66 If you don�t call your buddy when you say you will, he won�t tell your friends you�ve changed.
67 Someday you will be a dirty old man.
68 If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
69 Princess Di�s death was almost just another obituary.
70 You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
71 If something mechanical doesn�t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
72 New shoes don�t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
73 You don�t have to remember everyone�s birthdays and anniversaries.
74 Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with 'So � notice anything different?'
75 There is always a game on somewhere.
From: NOV on Sun Sep 25 23:06:36 2005. [Full View]

These are actual letters that kids have written to God. This was done in a Sunday School class and were too cute to miss.

Dear God... Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Dear God... Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God... I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Dear God... Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God... It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to
say, but hope you will not hurt him anyway.

Dear God... Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God... If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer because I hate her.

Dear God... I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God... I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God... I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the
world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Dear God... Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God... If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Dear God... I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

Dear God... I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
From: Querida on Sun Sep 25 23:10:38 2005. [Full View]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech:

all the men started clapping their hands.......
From: Shevani on Tue Sep 27 4:14:35 2005. [Full View]

"Daddy",said the little boy "I want to get married."
"Oh!" said his father jokingly."Who do you have in your
mind?"
"Grandma",said the little boy.
"Wait a minute",said his father ."You don't think i'd let you marry my mother do you?"
"Why not?" said the little boy."You married mine."
From: NOV on Wed Sep 28 22:05:59 2005. [Full View]

HUMOROUS SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP

In a city restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

From: Badri on Wed Sep 28 22:08:55 2005.

[Full View]

Shevani wrote:

"Daddy",said the little boy "I want to get married."
"Oh!" said his father jokingly."Who do you have in your
mind?"
"Grandma",said the little boy.
"Wait a minute",said his father ."You don't think i'd let you marry my mother do you?"
"Why not?" said the little boy."You married mine."

SOME MORE SIGNS

In front ot a temple
WE ARE IRRESPONSIBLE FOR SLIPPERS LEFT HERE

In a party invite
WOMEN ARE REQUESTED NOT HAVE CHILDREN HERE

At a Forest lodge
MEN AND WOMEN CANNOT STAY TOGETHER IN THE SAME ROOM UNLESS THEY ARE EXPRESSLY MARRIED FOR THAT PURPOSE

At a tourism center in Thailand
ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE. AMERICAN TOO.

From: NOV on Wed Sep 28 22:17:35 2005. [Full View]

sbadri99 wrote:

At a tourism center in Thailand
ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE. AMERICAN TOO.
Probably Australian too?
From: Arthi on Fri Sep 30 0:39:08 2005. [Full View]

at your own risk!!!)

1. (Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like
gun into her back)
"You're under arrest!" (For what?) "For stealing my
heart."

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. Are your legs tired?
( girl: Why?)
because you have been running through my mind all day!

4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I've
seemed to have lost myself in your eyes

6. (Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket,
She would say,"What are doing" respond, "Oh, just
checking to see if you were made in Heaven."

7. (Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.)
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you
are."

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from heaven?"
"No" he answers.
"Oh, I thought all the angels were from heaven"

10. I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek,
and die on your lips.

11. Did you know they changed the alphabet?
They put U and I together.

12. Are you lost?
'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far
from heaven.

13. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I
have to walk by you again?

14. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

15. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

16. You can forget about going to heaven because it's
sin to look that good
From: ts on Fri Sep 30 5:35:05 2005. [Full View]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on BBC Three about how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now seem to have the advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
From: svasu_ani on Fri Sep 30 11:04:09 2005. [Full View]

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away, come along with me I'll take u to an eye specialist !!

During Marriage ceremony why the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse or a Car? He is given his last chance to run away !!!!

If marriages are made in heaven, then what are made in Hell?
Ans: The days after marriage !!

LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers

ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur inocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best

True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy so when u need true love spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow

I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !

The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love

SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..
From: Querida on Sun Oct 2 14:29:54 2005. [Full View]

Quote:

ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur inocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best
From: NOV on Sun Oct 2 20:35:01 2005. [Full View]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

****************************************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating meat seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
From: Badri on Mon Oct 3 23:07:54 2005. [Full View]

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

________________________________
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."
From: Arthi on Tue Oct 4 1:00:16 2005. [Full View]

Read the jokes laugh silently

Teacher : What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher : What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old.

***************************************

Question: What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

***************************************

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

***************************************

Teacher : Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student: A holiday

***************************************

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

***************************************

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

***************************************

Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

***************************************

Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
***************************************

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."
From: NOV on Tue Oct 4 22:07:31 2005. [Full View]

Letter of Recommendation

While working with Mr. Raja, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Raja should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

- Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. Raja was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9,....... for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

- Branch Manager
From: NOV on Wed Oct 5 2:11:05 2005. [Full View]

Scientific Explanations by Students

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
From: NOV on Wed Oct 5 2:14:02 2005. [Full View]

The Beer Drinkers Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest-room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Floor suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
From: Arthi on Thu Oct 6 0:06:59 2005. [Full View]

Once a sardar was looking at a WANTED poster & was wondering -

Saala wanted tha to photo kheenchne ke baad use jaane kyon diya ?
*************

Sardar car ki battery change karwane gaya ...

Mechanic - Sahab, Exide ki daal doon ?

Sardar - Nahin yaar, dono side ki daal de, warna phir problem hogi.

*************

A sardar on an interview for the post of detective was asked a
question

Interviewer - Who killed Gandhiji ?

Sardar - Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

*************

A Sardar was fond of detective novels, he always read from the middle,
why
?

Its double interesting. It builds curiosity not only about its end but
also

its beginning !

*************

Sardar returns book to library, bangs it on table & says - What a ****
?
"I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all" ?.

Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory....

*************

2 Days of Powercut in India made life miserable. Worst affected was Amritsar

where all the SARDARS were stuck for 48 hrs. on Escalaters.....
*************

Two Sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether it is working.

He puts his head out and says - YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO

*************

Sardarji, tell me ...., what is the meaning of SMS ?

Sardar angrily said, i know -

it means....

S - Sardaron ke

M - Mazak udane ki

S - Service
�

Quote:

There is no point in being grown up....if you cant be childish sometimes.......
From: NOV on Thu Oct 6 0:18:08 2005. [Full View]

In all sincerity....

Men have their faults.
Women have only two.
Everything they say.
And everything they do.

This day holds a lot of meaning for me.
It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards...

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words.

Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy?
It means you're in the wrong house.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that? "
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

What does a woman make best for dinner?
Reservations.

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...."

Why did God make man first?
Because he didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!

Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it.
I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

p/s: awaiting with shields and armour
From: NM on Thu Oct 6 1:35:16 2005. [Full View]

too mild, NOV.... ...........
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Oct 6 4:43:57 2005. [Full View]

http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/italy.html
From: Anoushka on Thu Oct 6 6:18:10 2005. [Full View]

WORKING for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time. When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a temperature of 102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere. So we asked, "How are you taking it?" Her reply: "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Marsha Yelton
From: NOV on Thu Oct 6 22:30:07 2005. [Full View]

Malaysia English vs British English

Who says our English is bad. Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.

The English may have invented the English Language, but they are unable to use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare the following phrases where Malaysians and Britons say the same thing. So, why make things confusing and waste your money especially when you make a long distance call?

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS

Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you
want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other
outlets for you.

Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL

Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few
moments ago?

Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY

Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY

Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION

Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to
enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING

Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE

Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER

Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION

Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where
you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE

Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm
trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shaddap lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU

Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?

Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION

Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.

Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED

Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that????ADOI!!! (jumping to conclusion)

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG

Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you.

Malaysians: like that also doe no how to do!!!!
From: dev on Thu Oct 6 23:14:49 2005. [Full View]

From: NM on Fri Oct 7 0:11:28 2005.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Malaysians: S-kew me

Malaysians: Where got?

Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

Malaysians: Shaddap lah!

Malaysians: Die-lah!!

Malaysians: Wat happen Why like that????ADOI!!! (jumping to conclusion)

Malaysians: like that also doe no how to do!!!!

Classic, NOV !!

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Oct 7 0:47:40 2005. [Full View]

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and
out
steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm
yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up
speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down
the ladders, across the parallel bars, h! ! ere and there. And just as he's
about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure
enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're
mine."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Oct 7 0:49:34 2005. [Full View]

Something really really interesting to share with you all. Try out the following steps and see what happens...! You will have to then ask one question. Whether its a GOOGLE Failure or a USA Faliure?

1. Go to www.google.com
2. Type "failure" (without double quotes) in the search text box.
3. Press "I'm Feeling Lucky" button just next to "Google Search" button.
4. See what happens. Find it out yourself and laugh a lot. (Do not worry, its not going to harm your computer.)
5. Share it with your friends and relatives before GOOGLE fixes this bug.
7. Enjoy. .
From: Anoushka on Fri Oct 7 13:05:30 2005. [Full View]

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW was painting a room in her house. After climbing down the ladder numerous times to answer the door when neighborhood children stopped by, she told her daughter to make a sign asking playmates not to ring the bell.
Several hours later, the room painting completed, my daughter-in-law took down the sign. To her embarrassment, she found that her daughter had written: "Do Not Ring the Doorbell. Mother Is Busy Panting in the Bedroom."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by F E Underwood
From: Anoushka on Fri Oct 7 13:08:51 2005. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

Malaysia English vs British English

Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

Malaysians: Where got?

Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

Malaysians: like that also doe no how to do!!!!

NOV: One of our friends is married to a Malaysian girl and she constantly says "Don't be so shy, lah!".... or "Don't be so like that, lah"
From: Deep_Secrets on Sat Oct 8 1:57:46 2005. [Full View]

A guy owns a really smelly goat...he puts it in a room and gathers three people...1 pakistani, 1 chinese, and a sikh...

Pakistani goes in...immediatly comes out

Chinese goes in...comes out after a minute or so

Sikh goes in...the goat comes out

Sorry no offense, I read this somewhere and found it really hilarious..it was in urdu and my english translation sucks...
From: Shevani on Mon Oct 10 0:20:53 2005. [Full View]

ERROR MESSAGES IN REAL LIFE

"The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out..."

"WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue."

"COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key."

"Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though."

"Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!"

"Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue..."

"Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)"

"General Failure's Fault. Not Yours."

"Hit any user to continue."

"Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying."

"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue."

"Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can."

"Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector."

"Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."
From: Shevani on Mon Oct 10 0:22:32 2005. [Full View]

There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang. .

So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman. Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.

The moral of the story?

Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This is the best I can do for you at this time."
From: Shevani on Mon Oct 10 0:31:54 2005. [Full View]

Ramu : press Any key to continue..

Somu : where is 'Any' Key in the keyboard?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack .
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER== Name four members of the cat family?

STUDENTS== Daddy cat,Mummy cat and two kittens !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police man== Stop, stop, your headlights are not working.

The Man== Move, move, even the brakes are not worki! ng.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does history keep repeating it self?

Because we weren't listening the first time !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sardar ji pulled out 6 people from a burning house...

still he was in jail.......why?

coz all the 6 were firebrigade staff !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the

violin after the operation?"

"yes of course...."

"Great ! i never could before"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to

free u from darkness and if after you pray and your
still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL !
From: a.ratchasi on Mon Oct 10 21:43:08 2005. [Full View]

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say -- talk in your sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to
forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

From: NM on Mon Oct 10 21:56:35 2005.

[Full View]

a.ratchasi wrote:

A.R....

BTW, where is shekhar these days?

From: a.ratchasi on Mon Oct 10 23:11:54 2005. [Full View]

NM, he must have said something in his sleep.
From: Arthi on Tue Oct 11 9:29:37 2005. [Full View]

Hahahahah

From: ssanjinika on Tue Oct 11 9:30:32 2005.

[Full View]

Shevani wrote:

From movie Aaan PAvum

From: NM on Tue Oct 11 17:56:25 2005. [Full View]

a.ratchasi wrote:

NM, he must have said something in his sleep.
Oh...that's why he's MIA!!
From: NOV on Wed Oct 12 0:51:29 2005. [Full View]

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane.

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.

For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...
-Thank You For Flying Lufthansa-
From: NOV on Wed Oct 12 0:52:42 2005. [Full View]

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
From: NOV on Wed Oct 12 0:54:22 2005. [Full View]

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
From: a.ratchasi on Wed Oct 12 3:08:37 2005. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

Captain Sinclair...
From: Anoushka on Wed Oct 12 12:06:23 2005. [Full View]

THE NEW COMPUTER my sister, Jewell, and her husband bought had a program with a spell-check function, which they decided to try. My sister typed in her name, and the computer suggested the correction Jewel. "You don't know how to spell your own name," my brother-in-law said, laughing, as he typed in his name, Myron.
No such word, according to the computer. It suggested Moron.

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Rita McGuffey

WHILE SERVING as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit. Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Candace M. Prestwich

A MAN BROUGHT HIS LITTLE GIRL to the hospital emergency room where my daughter works. As is often the case in emergency rooms, he had to wait. After a while, he approached a woman at the nurses' station and asked her how much longer it would be until a doctor looked at his daughter. The woman explained that she was just about to examine the child. There was a stunned silence. Then the man asked, "Are you the doctor?" "Yes," she replied. "Are you the child's mother?"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Norma C. Brooks

A MILWAUKEE CIRCUIT JUDGE held a hearing involving a woman who was handling her own divorce. The judge went through the divorce petition with her step by step, filling in any information she had neglected to include. All went well until he came to one blank. "Are you pregnant at this time?" he asked.
"No," she answered.
"Don't worry," said the judge. "I'll take care of that, too."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Meg Kissinger

WHEN MY FRIEND got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner. The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features," he assured them. The husband was not convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked grimly.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Pat Montgomery
From: Arthi on Wed Oct 12 23:43:43 2005. [Full View]

TELEGRAM #1

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her
clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

******************************************

TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
station sends a telegram to his wife :
"I wish you were here."
The message received by wife:
"I wish you were her."

************************************

TELEGRAM #3
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by
throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:
let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting
older",at the top and "You are getting better" at the
bottom.The real fun didn't start until the cake was
opened the entire party watched the message decorated on
the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top,
You are getting better at the bottom".

************************************************

TELEGRAM #4
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her
parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to
Ajmer,he asked his servant to send a telegram to his
wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.
He sent a telegram. When the wife received the
telegram,she fainted. It was written:

'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).

***********************************************
From: Anoushka on Thu Oct 13 6:26:37 2005. [Full View]

EYE-EXAMINATION CHARTS vary according to the manufacturer, but one thing they have in common is that they don't spell anything. One day a patient came into my office for an ophthalmological exam. I asked him to read the 20/40 line of the eye chart, but obviously the letters FZBDE were mostly a blur to him.
Finally he ventured a guess. "I can't pronounce his name," the man said, "but I think he played football for Notre Dame."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Richard A. Clay

A FRIEND AND I were discussing what we should wear to our high-school reunion. "I think I'll wear what I did at the last one, five years ago," I said. "I don't think anyone will remember it." "Oh, you mean the tan dress?" she asked.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Edith M. Whyte

PART OF MY WORK in a local bank was to process mortgage applications when a home buyer wanted to assume the seller's mortgage. One day the bank's automated call-routing system delivered an agitated client who wanted to know if she had made a payment.
I couldn't answer questions about the status of mortgage payments, but I listened to her story and then said I'd have to transfer her call. "This is the mortgage assumptions department, isn't it?" she asked, sounding irritated.
"Why yes, it is," I replied. "Do you have an assumption question?"
"Of course," she said. "I assumed I made last month's payment."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Sandra Davis

AT MY GRANDPARENTS' 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented. Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Nan Graham

ON A CAMPING TRIP in New Hampshire's White Mountains, my wife and I overturned our canoe. Drenched, we returned to the campground and changed clothes. As we drove to a nearby country store to buy food for dinner, we thought our embarrassing mishap was behind us. But the proprietor glanced at the dollar bills I gave her, which were sopping wet. In her clipped Yankee voice, she commented, "See you folks have been canoein' today."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Daniel P. Scully

MY WIFE SHARED a hospital elevator with an employee who was dressed in the traditional "whites" and whose charge was a complex-looking piece of equipment. It was all chrome with a myriad of handles, bars, valves, gauges, dials and inverted bottles. "Gee," my wife said, "I would hate to be hooked up to that machine."
"So would I," the attendant replied. "This is a rug shampooer."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Clinton C. Gorman
From: Anoushka on Thu Oct 13 8:18:37 2005. [Full View]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
From: Anoushka on Fri Oct 14 6:43:13 2005. [Full View]

THE SMALL BANK where I work has only one drive-in window. In order to keep the line moving, customers with lengthy transactions are required to do their banking inside. Once a woman drove up to the window and asked for a cashier's check. "You'll have to come in for that," I told her. And she did, leaving her car still parked in the drive-in lane.

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Sharon Hancock

MY TENNIS PARTNER considers himself a "semi-vegetarian." When he discovered that several of his favorite health-food restaurants gave discounts to members of San Francisco's Vegetarian Society, he decided to join. On the application form, he admitted that he ate fish and poultry "on occasion." He soon received a cautious reply: "Your membership has been approved. But you cannot vote."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Peter L Christensen

A DISTRAUGHT PATIENT phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'no refills'."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Robert Doty

WHEN MY FAMILY and I travel with our cat, Marilyn, we usually stay at hotels that allow pets. But late one night on a recent road trip, we found ourselves at an establishment that forbade animals. Sneaking Marilyn past the front desk was no problem. However, the next morning when my husband, Murray, put her in a cardboard box and closed the flaps, Marilyn began to meow.
On a crowded elevator, Murray coughed loudly to cover the sound of the cat. Everyone politely ignored the meows coming from the box. When the elevator doors opened before the busy front desk, Murray bravely marched out, praying that the cat would shut up. He needn't have worried. His fellow passengers marched with him, coughing loudly all the way through the lobby and out the door.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by C. E. Munro

WHILE VISITING the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
"We're coming to a hill," the mother announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me -- are you ready?"
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement: "I think I can, I think I can..."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by John Gallagher

HIGH-SCHOOL sweethearts, my wife and I were soon married and spent the next 27 years raising a family. After our grown children moved out of the house, we experienced an unaccustomed freedom. One morning, when we came home at four, I asked Shirley, "Do you remember the last time we stayed out this late?" "I think so," she said. "We both got grounded for a month."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Peter Schumacher
From: Querida on Sat Oct 15 1:47:35 2005. [Full View]

The school bell rang just as little Jasbindar started eating his Popsicle, and since he didn't want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket.

In the classroom the teacher asked little Vichee what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, "Eskimos."

Then teacher asked little Tara what they called people who live in Mexico. She said, "Mexicans."

The teacher asked Jasbindar what they called people who live in Europe, and Jasbindar said, "I don't know."

Then super-smart little Manika behind Jasbindar said, "European."
Little Jasbindar's face turned red and he screamed, "I AM NOT! My Popsicle is melting!"
From: Anoushka on Sat Oct 15 8:16:43 2005. [Full View]

BEFORE GOING ON VACATION, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Donna Niccum

MY FIRST LESSONS in sailing were conducted in a hardy, slow-to-respond craft. Then my instructor moved me into a swift, fiberglass boat. He taught me to dock heading up into the wind, to avoid approaching the pier at high speed. But one day I came in at the wrong angle, smashed into the dock and ripped a strip of fiberglass off my craft.
During the awards ceremony held at the completion of the course, prizes were given for each sailor's accomplishments. My trophy was a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jennifer Rocha

I REMEMBER THE NIGHT I was working as a flight attendant on the red-eye to Manila. A water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of our 747. A very sleepy woman who had become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as I passed by. "Has it been raining?" she asked me. Keeping a straight face, I replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, she went back to sleep.

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Elaine Whitman

ALTHOUGH WE were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fianc�e, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Rhonda Carlson

DURING A VISIT with friends, conversation turned to what each one of us would do if he or she became instantly wealthy. As we rattled off desires for lavish homes and fancy cars, Tom a gentle Texan sat quietly pondering. Then he delighted us all by saying simply, "Reckon I'd hire someone to break in my new blue jeans."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Ken Renteria
From: Anoushka on Mon Oct 17 9:53:35 2005. [Full View]

THE CRUISE SHIP my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below.
The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by William D. Hoover

ONE MORNING I locked both sets of keys inside my roommate's car. We finally managed to pry a clothes hanger through a window, only to discover that the hanger was useless on that type of lock. I remembered hearing that firemen have a special tool for opening car doors, and rushed inside to call.
Fifteen minutes later a fire truck rounded the corner, and a burly firefighter in boots, yellow slicker and fire hat jumped out. In his hand he held the special tool.
It was a wire clothes hanger.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Vicki Bradshaw

I ENJOY HOUSE PLANTS but have trouble keeping them healthy. One day I put a sickly looking specimen on the patio, hoping it would perk up in the bright sunlight. That night I forgot to bring it inside, and the next morning it was gone.
Three weeks later, I looked out on the patio. The fully recovered plant was there, along with a note giving detailed instructions for its care. The note was signed with a green thumbprint.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by L Smith

A MAN I had been dating was taking me home to see his family. At the airport, he walked through the metal-detector security gate and the alarm went off. It continued ringing as he divested himself of keys, watch and belt buckle. The guard demanded that he empty one last pocket. With a reluctant sigh, my friend pulled out a velvet-covered, metal jewelry box and opened it. Still standing under the security gate, he solemnly asked me to be his wife.
His proposal was accepted.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Elizabeth Thompson

I WAS LIVING in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down. Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed. I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?" There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Bob Lacey

AFTER DINNER, my husband always reads the paper and then falls asleep on the couch by around nine o'clock. I get him up at eleven and we go to bed. One night, however, I was involved in a project and didn't wake him until a half-hour later than usual. As he climbed into bed, he yawned and said, "Boy, am I tired! I'm not used to staying up till 11:30."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Roberta L. Volz
From: NOV on Tue Oct 18 0:29:21 2005. [Full View]

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
From: Querida on Tue Oct 18 21:15:06 2005. [Full View]

NOV-san please tell me your previous post came from your imagination!

Stupid people need a sign...

There are some people that should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid."

That way you wouldn't rely on them would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like when we were shifting...our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, You moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week. Just to see how many boxes it takes.... Here's your sign."

Last summer I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up..... Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, there was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well all right....hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it"

Last week I had a flat tire, so I pulled my truck into one of these side-of-the-road gas stations, the attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said "Nope. No, I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me...... Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago, a guy came over to the house, drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See.... If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
From: NOV on Tue Oct 18 21:30:04 2005. [Full View]

Querida.
The following anecdote; I am not sure whether I should put it here or in Quotes thread....
Anyway, this thread gets better attention than Quotes, so....

"Toilets are like new brides after they are completed. After some time they get a bit spoiled. Even if you do not use them frequently, you need someone to clean them every 25 minutes."

- Malaysian Works Minister Samy Vellu responding to a complaint by an opposition member in parliament.

From: a.ratchasi on Tue Oct 18 22:02:40 2005.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Toilets are like new brides after they are completed. After some time they get a bit spoiled. Even if you do not use them frequently, you need someone to clean them every 25 minutes."

- Malaysian Works Minister Samy Vellu responding to a complaint by an opposition member in parliament.

NOV, the above fits very well with Q's last post here.
The only thing is, there's no one to handover the sign...

From: Badri on Tue Oct 18 23:03:51 2005. [Full View]

Here's one stupid question I've encountered time and again.

I speak about 7 languages, including all the 4 S. Indian. Whenever I happen to be speaking one of these, and a native speaker hears it, s/he always goes "Oh, you know <whichever language>".

I have, of late, made it a point to answer them saying, "No, I don't. I just speak itl"
From: rajraj on Tue Oct 18 23:58:57 2005. [Full View]

sbadri99 wrote:

Whenever I happen to be speaking one of these, and a native speaker hears it, s/he always goes "Oh, you know <whichever language>".

Badri,
You missed what they meant. They were taking guard to make sure they didn't say anything bad about you. It happened to me once. I know a little bit of Telugu,Kannada and Malayalam.
Once, I was taking a walk with two of my Telugu friends. A little later two of their friends ( Telugu speaking) joined us. One of them asked one of my friends why they were close to an 'aravaadu' ( in Telugu). My friends were squirming because they knew I knew some Telugu and tried to change the topic. But they insisted on knowing why. Just to save them from the awkward situation, I blurted out I knew some Telugu.
Language does strange things to people!
From: a.ratchasi on Wed Oct 19 2:16:44 2005. [Full View]

What does 'aravaadu' mean?
From: dev on Wed Oct 19 2:25:12 2005. [Full View]

I guess it means 'paambaati'...
From: rajraj on Wed Oct 19 2:40:57 2005. [Full View]

AR,dev,
Some telugus call Tamils 'aravaadu'. 'aravam' means noise. That is , Tamil is noise! It is a derogatory reference to Tamils.
From: a.ratchasi on Wed Oct 19 2:47:33 2005. [Full View]

hmmm, that's sad.

Anyways, thanks RR.
From: dev on Wed Oct 19 2:55:14 2005. [Full View]

I C... I guessed it tht way coz 'aravu' = Snake
From: Alan on Wed Oct 19 4:07:58 2005. [Full View]

I love ur jokes, Anoushka
From: pavalamani pragasam on Wed Oct 19 8:59:27 2005. [Full View]

>
> Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
> A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

> Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it take
> four men to build it?
> A. No time at all it is already built.

> Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and
> three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
> A. Very large hands. (Good 1 na?)

> Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
> A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

> Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
> A. He sleeps at night.

> Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
> A. Wet.

> Q. What looks like half apple ?
> A : The other half.
>
> Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
> A : Dinner.
>
> Q. What ge ts wet with drying ?
> A : A towel! .

> Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
> A : It caused a revolution.
>
> Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?
> A : Because it has its own scales.
>
> Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
> A : Liquid
>
> Q: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?
> A: Nag did not punch me. (This is an old 1)
>
> Q: now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi?
> Come on..
> A: I punched the Nag. (This is a new 1, ain't it?)
>
> Q: Chintu's mom has three sons.What is the name of the other two?
> A: Chin-1 & Chin-3
From: pavalamani pragasam on Wed Oct 19 9:02:13 2005. [Full View]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.

The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."
From: ts on Wed Oct 19 12:35:33 2005. [Full View]

The incident from NOV's post made me post this.....

THE STELLA AWARDS

The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place:

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place:

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Waltonwas trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of OklahomaCity, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just incase there were any other complete morons around.

From: Anoushka on Wed Oct 19 12:46:37 2005.

[Full View]

sbadri99 wrote:

Here's one stupid question I've encountered time and again.

I speak about 7 languages, including all the 4 S. Indian. Whenever I happen to be speaking one of these, and a native speaker hears it, s/he always goes "Oh, you know <whichever language>".

I have, of late, made it a point to answer them saying, "No, I don't. I just speak itl"

Badri, I agree with Raj on this

My hubby dear is kannadiga and I learnt the language because himself and another guy who used to share the house with us constantly spoke Kannada. It used to be hilarious when I went to Bangalore and spent time with other people who didn't know I knew kannada.....

But the best joke I remember was years ago when I had just finished college and was working with a few telugu guys, I had picked up the langauge, enough to understand basic conversation.

I met my cousin (mama payyan) who lived in Vizag at a function. Happily started off in Telugu with him, after some time the conversation was getting somewhere, but I couldn't understand a word of what he was saying at that stage, before I could say anything to him on this regard someone else distracted us and I completely forgot about it. A week later only when his father came and asked my parents what they thought about us (himself and me) that I realised he propsed to me in Telugu! The whole family had a great laugh and now he is married to my cousin

From: Anoushka on Wed Oct 19 12:53:51 2005. [Full View]

Thanks Alan

We met a friend's friend on Friday and we were talking about Christmas presents when he narrated something that happened at his home.

Supposedly a month before xmas last year, everyone at his family were having a quiet lunch on a Sunday when the topic of xmas gifts came up. When the mother turned around and said Mick, I know what I want for Xmas. So he asked her what and guess what she said, "Vibrator". Now nearly everyone choked when they heard this

So Mick's father turned around and told her, "listen, are you sure you want a vibrator?". And she was damn sure that is what she wanted.

So Mick turns around and asks, "where did you see a Vibrator mom?". She goes, "Your grandmom has one" (Grandmom is 82 years old). Needless to say, everyone at the table was literally rolling on the floor laughing at this stage.

At this stage the family knows what she wants but Mick's sister decides to have more fun, so she asks "what does Grandmom do with a vibrator?" Mick's mother says "Oh, she sits on it, it is very nice you know and good for your back".

It turns out that all Mick's mom wanted was one of those trendy battery operated massagers And she did get what she wanted for Xmas!
From: Anoushka on Wed Oct 19 12:54:39 2005. [Full View]

OUR CHURCH was planning a chili supper for the homeless, and my wife, Florence, agreed to prepare four gallons of her rather mild variation. The man in charge of organizing the program asked Florence how she would describe her chili -- three alarm or four alarm. After hearing some of the ingredients that went into other chili donations, my wife replied, "I guess you'd call mine false alarm."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by J. C. Bjorkholm

MY HIGH-SCHOOL English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: "BE MINE."
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Brad Wilcox

UNEXPECTED GUESTS were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Christine A Barham

AT A DINNER PARTY in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. "I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?" "Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Jennifer Flanders

AS THE DEADLINE for a major project drew near at our publishing firm, both our facsimile machines were put to the test. Secretaries were sending and receiving messages, making last-minute corrections and additions. One young assistant, holding a handful of new instructions to be distributed to various departments, asked the office manager, "Whatever did we do before fax machines?"
A man of few words, the manager replied, "We did things on time."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by C. Richard Cotton

MY HUSBAND AND I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table. Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"
The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look, dear," he said. "Quality time!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Deborah Bogorad

From: Querida on Wed Oct 19 13:13:17 2005.

[Full View]

a.ratchasi wrote:

NOV wrote:

NOV, the above fits very well with Q's last post here.
The only thing is, there's no one to handover the sign...

buttercup you slay me

From: Querida on Wed Oct 19 13:25:10 2005. [Full View]

well since there seems to be some anecdotish humour being posted here's mine :

--- KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE ---

Never trust a dog to watch your food. -Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. -Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. -Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. -Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. -Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. -Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. -Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. -Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. -Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. -Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. -Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. -Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. -Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. -Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. -Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. -Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. -Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. -Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. -Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. -Chelsey, Age 7

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. -Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing! -Cynthia, Age 8
From: Arthi on Wed Oct 19 23:23:06 2005. [Full View]

When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,

the world seems to be fading away,

come along with me

i'll take u an eye specialist !!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?

Ans : the days after marriage

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*

*During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the

horse?

He is given his last chance to run away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds......

Open ur eyes !

Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a
fool............

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOVE is like a CIGAR

It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in
ashes...

But dont worry - we are chain smokers

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True love is like a pillow

u can hug when u r in trouble

u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy

so when u need true love

spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,

u give me bouquet

when i ask u a stone

u give me a statue

when i ask u a feather

u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had VODKA with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I had WHISKY with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I had RUM with WATER

I felt DRUNK

I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when i call u;

1 ring means i'm thinking of u;

2 ring means i like u;

3 means i miss u;

4 means .........pick d phone idiot

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ...

Student : WOW !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The human brain is most outstanding thing.......

it functions 24hrs 365 days.....

it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love*

**

*

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*

**

**

*SMILE - is a language of love

SMILE - is a source to win hearts...

SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality

SO....

Brush ur Teeth today onwards

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..

A beer shortens your life by 4 min..

A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?

Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....

Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class

Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January to december

sunday to saturday

Am to Pm

My feelings for u have never changed.......

u....

R....

always....

a HEADACHE to me !!!!*

"Learn from the experts; you will not live long enough to figure it all out by yourself." --Brian Tracy
From: Anoushka on Thu Oct 20 10:06:28 2005. [Full View]

MY 19-YEAR-OLD GRANDDAUGHTER stood watching as her dad, grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, rods and bait to go on a fishing trip. As they got into the car, her grandfather asked with total confidence, "What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for supper?"
"Well, if you're filling orders, I'd like bass," my granddaughter replied. Then she grinned. "And, Grandpa, don't pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a pound."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Margaret Mueller

AT THE SCALE-MANUFACTURERS' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. Some visitors abstained, however, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Stanton Bussell

MY WIFE AND I stood surrounded by a large assortment of carpet samples that a saleswoman had brought to our home. Despite her patient suggestions, we were unable to decide which would be the most suitable for our family room. As we continued to stare, our 14-year-old cat strolled into the room. She took in the display, walked up to a swatch, settled herself comfortably upon it and began to purr.
Our decision was immediate and unanimous.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Robert Reynolds

AFTER DRIVING up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look. His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space. "You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by John Lucvinko

AS A BASEBALL and softball umpire, my husband, Stan, bears the brunt of comments from players, fans and parents. Behind the plate at a girls' softball game, he heard one mother chant, "We want a new ump!" Other parents quickly joined in.
My husband stopped play, removed his face mask and turned toward the stands. Smiling at the crowd, he hollered, "I want new parents. I want new parents!" The harassment ceased.

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Barbara D. Miner
From: Querida on Thu Oct 20 11:36:22 2005. [Full View]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes ............(You MUST , MUST, MUST read them out loud ). (no offense is to be taken)

1) That's not right ...................................... Sum Ting Wong

3) Are you harboring a fugitive?.................. Hu Yu Hai Ding

4) See me ASAP....................................... Kum Hia Nao

5) Small Horse ........................................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ........................ Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ................... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ....................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ............................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .................. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ......................... No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight ................................. Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ................... Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ................... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ..................................................... Su Pah
From: buddysathi on Fri Oct 21 5:27:53 2005. [Full View]

Sardar Son: O God! Please make Newyork the capital of Punjab.

Sardar: Why are you praying for that?

Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are Egyptian's children always confused?? Because after death,
their daddy becomes the Mummy!!

From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Oct 21 6:08:01 2005.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

WOW!!!

)

Whether I learnt Chinese or not, I was DAMN SURE, my english was highly americanised.

Nice way to learn the accent I supp

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Oct 24 4:50:13 2005. [Full View]

Why I fired my secretary

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday. I sat down for
breakfast with my family, knowing my wife would be
pleasant and say "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a
present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning,
let alone happy birthday. I thought, well, that's just
great, maybe the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a
word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty
low.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet,
said, "Good morning, boss, happy birthday!" And I felt
a little better that someone had remembered. I worked
until noon , then Janet knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's
your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day
Let's go!"

We went to a private little place. We had two martinis
and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the
office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment"

After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about five
minutes, she came out carrying a huge
birthday cake followed by my wife, my children

and a dozen of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there.

On the couch

Naked!
From: Cindy on Mon Oct 24 6:32:16 2005. [Full View]

ROTFL
From: Anoushka on Mon Oct 24 7:53:46 2005. [Full View]

I THOUGHT I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."

AT THE BEGINNING of the grandparents' class I teach, I ask participants if they would share the very first feelings they had when they learned they were going to be grandparents. Most people say they were happy and excited. During one class, however, an expectant grandmother blurted, "I just hated it! I finally knew for certain that my daughter was having sex."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Nedra B. Rodheim

AS A REPRESENTATIVE for a Los Angeles electronics firm, my father made countless sales calls. To help receptionists remember his name, he used to prompt, "My name is Grant, like the tomb, and Graham, like the cracker."
He discontinued this practice when a receptionist introduced him as "Mr. Tomb Cracker."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Jan Graham Sanders

MY HUSBAND, HERMAN, a representative for a major-appliance company, called on one of his accounts. A couple in the store was interested in a refrigerator and approached him for information. He offered his assistance and pitched the product. Soon after, Herman left and made a stop at another appliance store nearby. In a half-hour, the same husband and wife walked in for comparison shopping. The salespeople were busy, so my husband answered the couple's questions. When he finished, the wife said, "You know, there's a salesman across the street who looks just like you."
"That's my twin," Herman quipped.
"Well," she replied, "when we're ready to buy, we're coming back to see you. We like you a lot better than your brother."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Blanche Hoppenstand

WE LEAVE HOME early in the morning, so my wife and I trust our teen-age daughters to get themselves dressed and off to school on time. One Saturday, I ran into a woman who asked if I would be getting my daughter Ellen an alarm clock for her birthday. Puzzled, I asked her why she thought Ellen needed one. "Because I'm her homeroom teacher," she answered. Later that morning, I found Ellen in our kitchen, still in pajamas, eating her breakfast. "Guess who I just talked to?" I asked. "Who?" Ellen responded. "Mrs. Morales," I replied. Without missing a spoonful, Ellen looked up at me and said, "Who's she?"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mel Moyer

SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity. "Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Maria Robarts
From: NOV on Mon Oct 24 21:47:45 2005. [Full View]

An elderly Indian man from Sri Rangam calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Appa, what are you talking about?" The son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Malaysia and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls India immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "They're coming for Deepavali and paying their own travel fare."
From: ts on Tue Oct 25 3:21:06 2005. [Full View]

It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold, and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

"Does it still look like it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
From: Anoushka on Tue Oct 25 7:54:54 2005. [Full View]

NOV:

I WAS TALKING to a new acquaintance at a dinner party, and the conversation got around to unemployment.
"You know, it's really sad," she said. "So many people are out of work, and here I am living off the fat of the land."
"How do you manage that?" I asked.
Her voice lowered to a whisper as she replied, "I'm an aerobics instructor."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Heather May
From: Arthi on Thu Oct 27 0:33:48 2005. [Full View]

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer : .......!!!!!!!

Santa: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

Banta: When did George Washington die?
Santa: two days before his funeral.

Banta: Tell me five FEROCIOUS animals you can ! think of........
Santa: 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The Judge askd him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Banta. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE"

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of their parents achievements
to each other.
Santa Singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta Singh : Yes I have.
Santa Singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta Singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
Santa Singh : Yes I have.
Banta Singh : Well, my father killed it.

Cheers !!!!!!!!!!!

______________________________________________________________________
From: Arthi on Thu Oct 27 0:37:17 2005. [Full View]

A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.
He said, my strength is my wife.
My weakness is my neighbours wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat comes when I myself go out

What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" o"shoot himself"

Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.
Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.
From: Anoushka on Thu Oct 27 6:23:59 2005. [Full View]

MY FIRST TEACHING JOB was at a high school in Georgia. Having been born and raised in the North, I had some initial difficulty understanding my students' accents. Jokingly, I said to one girl, "I do wish you Southerners would speak English!"
"We do," she replied.
"Well, it's not the King's English," I protested.
"Sure it is," she said. "Remember, Elvis was a Southerner."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Colleen Linn
From: NOV on Thu Oct 27 23:58:13 2005. [Full View]

Old one, but still good....

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man
multiplied by the numberpresent.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their
mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by
pills, and kills you with his bills.

31. Software Engineers: One who gets paid for reading such mails......!

From: Arthi on Fri Oct 28 0:27:15 2005.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Old one, but still good....

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

31. Software Engineers: One who gets paid for reading such mails......!

From: Anoushka on Tue Nov 1 7:40:29 2005. [Full View]

AS CAPTAIN of a nature cruise off Florida's Key Largo, I was describing the color changes that brown pelicans undergo. "The young pelicans are all brown," I explained. "During courtship the backs of their necks turn chestnut. After courtship the chestnut turns to white, giving them an all-white head and neck. Birders call this 'postnuptial plumage.'"
"Bernie," said an elderly woman to her white-haired husband, "that explains what happened to you."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Anne F. Baxter

ARRIVING AT OUR condominium on Kauai, Hawaii, my daughter-in-law reported that she had heard an unusual bird call. She wondered if anyone recognized it, describing the sound as a "pock-pock-pock." Our son accompanied her outside, and moments later they returned. She had identified a sound commonly heard on the island: tennis rackets making contact with the ball.

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Judith Bunker

MY BROTHER, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. Dad hung up. "The prodigal son is returning!" he called to my mother. "Kill the fatted zucchini!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Janine Hill-Pettit
From: ts on Wed Nov 2 10:00:26 2005. [Full View]

Samsung Electronics:

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services:

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?".

Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller(inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries:
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?".

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".

And another...

Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".

Operator: "Where are you calling from?".

Caller: "The living room".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers:

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?".

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

British Rail:

Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".

Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "They are our opening hours...".
... MORON (off the phone)

The Bank:

Caller: "I would like to borrow �2,000 please".

Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".

Caller: "Three years, please".

Operator: "OK, sir. That will be �75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?".

Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!

From: Alan on Mon Nov 7 4:33:37 2005.

[Full View]

Anoushka wrote:

I THOUGHT I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."

AT THE BEGINNING of the grandparents' class I teach, I ask participants if they would share the very first feelings they had when they learned they were going to be grandparents. Most people say they were happy and excited. During one class, however, an expectant grandmother blurted, "I just hated it! I finally knew for certain that my daughter was having sex."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Nedra B. Rodheim

AS A REPRESENTATIVE for a Los Angeles electronics firm, my father made countless sales calls. To help receptionists remember his name, he used to prompt, "My name is Grant, like the tomb, and Graham, like the cracker."
He discontinued this practice when a receptionist introduced him as "Mr. Tomb Cracker."

--Contributed to "All in a Day's Work" by Jan Graham Sanders

MY HUSBAND, HERMAN, a representative for a major-appliance company, called on one of his accounts. A couple in the store was interested in a refrigerator and approached him for information. He offered his assistance and pitched the product. Soon after, Herman left and made a stop at another appliance store nearby. In a half-hour, the same husband and wife walked in for comparison shopping. The salespeople were busy, so my husband answered the couple's questions. When he finished, the wife said, "You know, there's a salesman across the street who looks just like you."
"That's my twin," Herman quipped.
"Well," she replied, "when we're ready to buy, we're coming back to see you. We like you a lot better than your brother."

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Blanche Hoppenstand

WE LEAVE HOME early in the morning, so my wife and I trust our teen-age daughters to get themselves dressed and off to school on time. One Saturday, I ran into a woman who asked if I would be getting my daughter Ellen an alarm clock for her birthday. Puzzled, I asked her why she thought Ellen needed one. "Because I'm her homeroom teacher," she answered. Later that morning, I found Ellen in our kitchen, still in pajamas, eating her breakfast. "Guess who I just talked to?" I asked. "Who?" Ellen responded. "Mrs. Morales," I replied. Without missing a spoonful, Ellen looked up at me and said, "Who's she?"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Mel Moyer

SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity. "Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Maria Robarts

LOL! I love these, Anoushka!

From: ts on Mon Nov 7 6:12:02 2005. [Full View]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot hiswedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday
From: NOV on Mon Nov 7 21:00:54 2005. [Full View]
From: Badri on Mon Nov 7 21:07:01 2005. [Full View]

The last line was especially well timed and hilarious!
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 0:28:25 2005. [Full View]

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Joe had carved: I love you, Nancy.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Nancy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--one million bucks.

Joe said, "We've got to give it back."

Nancy said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two Inspectors were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Nancy said, "No."

Joe said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Nancy said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Joe and began to question him.

One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Joe said, "Well, when Nancy and I were walking home from school yesterday... "

The first Inspector turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 0:33:59 2005. [Full View]

Heart Broken

It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.

Anyway... One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.

A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.

The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest.

Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, "Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"

The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied... "No, she missed the bus!"
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 0:35:27 2005. [Full View]

Nice job

When Bob's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Bob told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm going to top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Bob," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Bob.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Bob, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Bob replied.
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 0:37:31 2005. [Full View]

A Clever Hubby

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn`t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn`t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o`clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife`s dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he`s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we`re almost there!!"
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 0:50:56 2005. [Full View]

Happily married

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 1:02:26 2005. [Full View]

Some sardar Jokes..

A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u
know what the business was? . . . .. . . . . .. . . He opened a Saloon in
Punjab!

************************************************************************************************
A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral
function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why? He said
"SMILE PLEASE"

*************************************************************************************************
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits
on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've
been promoted as branch manager."
***********************************************************************************************

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be
light"
**************************************************************************************************
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know
Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
******************************************************************************************************
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already
raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
*******************************************************************************************************
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will
come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come
first.
***********************************************************************************************************
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket
match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN,
NO MATCH!"

*********************************************************************************************************
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This PacketSardar: - Why
did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
******************************************************************************************************

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked:
How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
*******************************************************************************************************
Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d bus he was
driving..
********************************************************************************************************
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman
gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- We must find & stop her!.
*******************************************************************************************************
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in
the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
*****************************************************************************************************
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just
says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of
friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"
*****************************************************************************************************
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His
wife asked what you are doing. He said-I am seeing how I look while
sleeping.
***************************************************************************************************
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess
what...---To avoid side effect!!!
***************************************************************************************************
Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab. Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
*************************************************************************************************
IN COURT during a case: Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke
..... Sardar: yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab
kehte ho gita pe haath rakho.....
*************************************************************************************************
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how
she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please
recharge your card"

**************************************************************************************************
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Mrs Sardar
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim
jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was
wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the
instructions on the tin, "For best results put on two coats"
*************************************************************************************************
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line
said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The
first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.
***************************************************************************************************
Q How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???

A They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases
the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale? A Because he wanted to
measure how much he has slept........
********************************************************************************************************
Santa Singh MBBS. After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his
own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and
finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

*********************************************************************************************************
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 1:07:30 2005. [Full View]

Stand apart!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don t know, my wife told me to stand here"
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 1:12:49 2005. [Full View]

Speeding ticket

A guy is speeding down a highway and he gets pulled over. The cop says, "You were speeding."
The guy says, "No I wasn`t, I was just going slow."
The guy`s wife in the Passenger seat says, "No officer, He was speeding the whole time."
The guy glares at his wife and says, "Shut up!"
The cop says, "I see your seat belt is off. May I ask why?"
The guy says, "Well I saw you were gonna pull me over and you were gonna ask for my license, so I took it off and got it out."
The guy`s wife says, "No officer. He has had the seat belt off the whole time."
The guy says to his wife, "What is wrong with you?"
The cop leans over to the wife and asks, "Is he always this mean to you?"
The wife says, "Only when he`s drunk."
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 1:16:35 2005. [Full View]

Wrong dentures!

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Nov 9 1:21:18 2005. [Full View]

Dinner guest...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper,"
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
�I know all that." Replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife.
"Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."

From: Alan on Wed Nov 9 11:28:50 2005.

[Full View]

Hyderabadi wrote:

Nice job

When Bob's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Bob told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm going to top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Bob," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Bob.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Bob, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Bob replied.

LOLOLOLOL! NIce one!

From: hi on Wed Nov 9 22:45:33 2005. [Full View]

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat
Katha to class 6 students. He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is
going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki
behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is
born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have
a doubt(sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
Then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Nov 10 0:18:32 2005. [Full View]

@ hi.

good one hi.
From: sivajayan on Thu Nov 10 7:14:58 2005. [Full View]

A hyderbadi making jokes about santas and sardars is the greatest joke of all!

And if I start to joke about hyderbadies then there will be an unceasing hullabaloo.

From: Arthi on Thu Nov 10 7:21:13 2005.

[Full View]

hi wrote:

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill
him,
WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................

Logic...

From: Surya on Thu Nov 10 7:44:22 2005.

[Full View]

Quote:

Santa Singh MBBS. After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his
own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and
finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in
the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess
what...---To avoid side effect!!!

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be
light"

Those were my favs!!

Nice!

From: lordstanher on Thu Nov 10 9:00:55 2005. [Full View]

sivajayan wrote:

And if I start to joke about hyderbadies then there will be an unceasing hullabaloo.

Hmm.....really?? Well, lemme hear one then......since I'm an ex-hyderabadi myself! Then we'll see wat happens.......

Btw, isn't Hyderabadi actually our old Hindustani Ladka??
From: Querida on Thu Nov 10 16:49:27 2005. [Full View]

Stanher-sama...your jokes are actually scary i'm sure Hyderbadi is not mr. HL ...

found this joke for you....of course the significance is totally lost on me...as long as it makes you laff

You are a true Hyderabadi if:
1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH number 56-678/4A/B-22), while you actually live in the second house beside Zamzam cafe in lane behind Anand Theatre on SP Road .
2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre workshop, food mela, consumer expo, designer jewellery show, science show or an automobile convention.
3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves Chinese delicacies such as "Vegetable soft needles", "Navrotten Kurma", "Chicken Manchewurea" or "American Chompsee".
4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody asks you for directions, whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.
5. You come across tailors sporting the board: Immidiot delivery in two days onli.
6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, except Telugu, fluently.
7.You ask the waiter to get you some 'Mango pickle' even if you are sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese, Mexican,Italian and Lebanese cuisines.
8. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.
9. You have at least one Srinivas,Prasad, Raju or Venkatesh within six square feet. OR you have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance with these names.
10. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in the US in software.
11. Everytime somebody gives you a piece of good news, the first thing you ask them is 'Party kab hain?'
12. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before three hundred years.
13. You call 11 AM as subah subah.
14. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab'
15. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.
16. You look at the fixed price stand and still ask 'dene ka bolo'

From: Surya on Thu Nov 10 22:08:48 2005.

[Full View]

lordstanher wrote:

sivajayan wrote:

And if I start to joke about hyderbadies then there will be an unceasing hullabaloo.

Hmm.....really?? Well, lemme hear one then......since I'm an ex-hyderabadi myself! Then we'll see wat happens....... Very Happy

Btw, isn't Hyderabadi actually our old Hindustani Ladka??

I don't think so. Our HL's new handle's sig said HL.

Our HL lived here in Cali. Hyderabadi lives in Pune. Also, ou HL doens't know Tamil. H-badi does.

Although I do remember HL getting a new handle similar to this.

From: lordstanher on Thu Nov 10 22:26:54 2005. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

Stanher-sama...your jokes are actually scary i'm sure Hyderbadi is not mr. HL ...

Well, I rem. HL had a similar new ID w/ his old signature at the bottom...hence I thot this was him......

Qureida wrote:

found this joke for you....of course the significance is totally lost on me...as long as it makes you laff

Actually I came across this joke in one of my Y! groups.......but yea, it does make me laff, so I do like to read it again......tks!

However, cudn't help commenting on sum of the points in this:

Quote:

2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre workshop, food mela, consumer expo, designer jewellery show, science show or an automobile convention.

Salwar Kameez?? Hmm...actually I'd prefer buying a Saree (pref. fancy, I don't like Silks) if I'd been a woman!
So I guess tat makes me 1 point less a Hyderabadi.......

Quote:

14. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab'

Actually I've heard it more commonly as 'Damag Kharab'.......and its used for pretty much ne-one....
From: lordstanher on Thu Nov 10 22:28:23 2005. [Full View]

Surya wrote:

Also, ou HL doens't know Tamil. H-badi does.

Ooops! 'din't realise tat......so looks like I got the wrong guy afterall!
From: hi on Fri Nov 11 0:29:54 2005. [Full View]

From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my
feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you've always
been........... a headache !
From: NM on Fri Nov 11 0:45:19 2005. [Full View]

Anjali : yaar kitte atha sollrengga??
From: Querida on Sat Nov 12 0:51:02 2005. [Full View]

NM! Long Time.....hope you are very well
From: NM on Sun Nov 13 17:05:46 2005. [Full View]

Querida : I am very well, thank you!!!! How about you??? Still writing yr poems, I see....
From: RedPepper on Mon Nov 14 21:03:00 2005. [Full View]

Two Redneck hunters from Mississippi got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly,the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we
are?"

"Yaaah, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.."
From: RedPepper on Mon Nov 14 21:04:04 2005. [Full View]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Nov 15 7:20:27 2005. [Full View]

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy inUSA .
A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English
conversation training before he visited Washington and met president Bill
Clinton.

The instructor told Mori: "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.Then Mr. Clinton should say,
" I am fine, and you?"
Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the
work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the! truth is.... When Mori met Clinton , he
mistakenly said "Who are you?". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still
managed to react with humour: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha..ha..ha.."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha..ha..ha.." Then there was a
long silence in the meeting room.
From: Alan on Tue Nov 15 11:34:14 2005. [Full View]

A woman walks into a pharmacy asking the pharmasist for sianide. The pharmasist looks at her crazy and states, mam if I give you that we would both be in trouble....... The lady looks at him a minuite and reaches into her purse and pull out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmasists wife.... The pharmastist quicky states, well' why did'nt you tell me you had a prescription!!!!!!!
From: ssanjinika on Tue Nov 15 12:59:09 2005. [Full View]

Good one !
From: Querida on Tue Nov 15 14:29:26 2005. [Full View]

I never show the ending coming!

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That�s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? Pull down their genes!

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
From: Alan on Wed Nov 16 11:10:54 2005. [Full View]

LOL! Good ones, Querida!
From: Alan on Wed Nov 16 11:13:20 2005. [Full View]

Good ones, Querida!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Nov 17 4:27:11 2005. [Full View]

Did you know?

Almost Every Indian Girl ' s name in English ends with "I" OR "A"

In rare cases, ends with "U" .

(Some exception that I can think of is "Kiran".. anything else that u can
think of ??)

Check it out yourself.
Very interesting... Isn't it????
From: dev on Thu Nov 17 7:37:16 2005. [Full View]

How abt Simran, Kushboo... & our PP mam's name(though it's not common)...
From: Arthi on Thu Nov 17 7:52:28 2005. [Full View]

How do you differentiate between programmers and non-programmers?
A non-programmer thinks there are 1000 bytes in a kilobyte.
A programmer is convinced that there are 1024 meters in a kilometer.
/

Ramu : I've just become a member of Rotract Club.
Somu : public member or private?
/

Ramu : Hey.. My submarine is not sinking into the water!! What could be wrong?
Somu : may be u have used float instead of double in the software.
/

THIS ONE IS TOO GOOD!!!
PS : Hey Bull, Can you do me a favor? Can you pass on these 500 rupees to Suthi..?
Bull : Sure.. Why not? But tell me one thing. Tell me whether its pass by value or pass by reference.

/
Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...
Somu : how do you say that?
Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!

/
Ramu : why people are beating that SW engineer black and blue?
Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!

/
Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW engineer is very very naive..
Somu : How do you say that?
Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.

/
Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?
Somu : System time or local time.

/
4 Easy Steps from dummies to Transfer Files in Windows!
Right click the mouse on the file to transfer and select cut option.
Disconnect the mouse from that PC, take that mouse carefully and connect it to the other PC where you want to copy that file and try to paste it there....!!!!!!!!!
From: Arthi on Thu Nov 17 7:57:47 2005. [Full View]

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied,"In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
;Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life Thinking they had no faults at all.
----------------
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me a
million dollarsa and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
----------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Nov 17 10:46:31 2005. [Full View]

How to Kill a Lion:
Cognizant Method:

o hire a lion...

o ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.

o give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.

o hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit

o give them same gobi 65 to eat

o hire 200 more....... and more .......

TCS method:

o hire a lion

o give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary

o lion dies of hunger and frustration

Kanbay Method:

o Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...

o Give him work of 3 Lions

o Tell him to work late and even on weekends...

o No time for food and family, automatically die

Infy method:

o hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat ..

o he will die eventually of frustration...

IBM's metbod:

o hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...

o he dies of unemployment...

Syntel Method:-

o Hire a Cat ...

o assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.

o Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:

o hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score > 60% he will lose the job.

o lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method:

o hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion)

o holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

o hire a lion ..

o tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...

o lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a goat....

Polaris Method :

o hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ...

o change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM )

o cut down his allowance (coupons etc)

o lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Silverline Method:

o hire a lion, declare a scandal and dont pay him...

o he dies of hunger...

Quinnox method:

o hire the lion. either give him no work or ask for a premature delivery.

o Lion either dies of boredom or intense physical & mental activity...

Patni method:

o hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...

o the lion dies before joining....

Nucsoft method:

o hire a lion,give him job of grass eating (IBBS Support)..

o the lion dies from lack of eating meat...

Satyam method:

o hire a lion, give him net access..

o no work..

o and deport him to Chennai centre...

o no water..

o no electricity..

o no hindi speaking ppl...

o lion dies in oblivion......

Wipro method:

o hire a lion...

o give him lots of work...

o transfer him to Wipro Lights division..

o lion dies due to Lightness...

Mastek method:

o hire a lion...

o ask him to align himself with anything and everything...

o ask him to fill complicated competency forms...

o differ increments and pay him salary of a cat...

o lion dies due to fear of getting mis-aligned or starvation...

Caritor Method:

o hire a lion...

o ask him to stay at work..

o give him vegetables to eat...

o hire 10 more lions

o give them vegetables to eat

o hire 20 more.......
From: hi on Thu Nov 17 22:23:32 2005. [Full View]

One of the best loveletter & its reply

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it.
Often happens in life .....................do read and enjoy.......................

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Gauri,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options
(a)10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the
bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it. If you have scored
between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less
than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..
love,
Goran

Gauri's reply letter was also in Q/A format........

Goran,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.

(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girls laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

(a) Yes
(b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not ?

(a) Yes
(b) No

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right ?

(a) Yes
(b) No

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking.
Couldn't you understand yet?

(a) Yes
(b) No

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (shivani) at the bus stand?

(a) Yes
(b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) No

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?

(a) Yes
(b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?

(a) Yes
(b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No",
then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.
Gauri
From: Alan on Mon Nov 21 3:25:21 2005. [Full View]

A sardarjee Ghost story

>
>A visiting professor at the University of Punjab is giving a seminar on
>the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
>here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well
>that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you
>think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
>"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
>anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a
>great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise

>their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further...
>Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Santa Singh in the back
raises
>his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a
step
>back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one
>has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up
here
>and tell us about your experience." Santa Singh replies with a nod and
>begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well,
tell us
>what it's like to have sex with a Ghost." Santa Singh replies,
"Ghost?!?
>I thought you said 'goats'."
From: Alan on Mon Nov 21 5:19:48 2005. [Full View]

No one need take any offence, because I'm a Sardar although I don't wear a turban or grow my hair. I think everyone needs to laugh at themselves first before layghing at others, which is very easy.

From: Alan on Mon Nov 21 5:26:17 2005.

[Full View]

sbadri99 wrote:

Shevani wrote:

LOL! Great ones there, Sbadri!

From: a.ratchasi on Tue Nov 22 3:35:54 2005. [Full View]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes of ahead the boy on the bike.
From: malsi on Tue Nov 22 7:17:34 2005. [Full View]

haha..good one..

From: Lambretta on Tue Nov 22 8:54:13 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Did you know?
Almost Every Indian Girl ' s name in English ends with "I" OR "A"
In rare cases, ends with "U" .
(Some exception that I can think of is "Kiran".. anything else that u can think of ??)

Yup, a lot tat I'm aware of......!
Names ending w/ 'M' (now practically obsolete):
In certain Tamil communities: Ambujam, Pankajam (name of one of my cousins), Bhagyam/Dhana Bhagyam......
Also sum Telugu names: Rajyam, Manoharam, Vijayam (was the name of one of my school Principals!

).......

Punjabi fem. names (almost all ending w/ "deep" or "er" followed by 'Kaur'): Mandeep, Tejdeep, Ramandeep, Poonamdeep, Balwinder, Jaswinder, even Rajinder.........these names particularly r curiously interesting as they sound by & large male, minus the 'Kaur' attached to them!

From: Lambretta on Tue Nov 22 8:57:37 2005. [Full View]

dev wrote:

How abt Simran, Kushboo... & our PP mam's name(though it's not common)...

Well, Kushboo isn't her real name (shez actually a Muslim, her real name starts w/ 'N' altho cna't rem. exactly wat....)
And PP ma'm: her first name is 'Pavalamani' tat ends w/ 'I'.....so its not an exception!
From: Lambretta on Tue Nov 22 9:02:32 2005. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

No one need take any offence, because I'm a Sardar although I don't wear a turban or grow my hair.

Oye, Tu Sardar hai??! Satsriakal ji, Ki haal hai?!!

As for me, I've grown my hair rather long for the last 3 yrs....altho not having to do w/ ne religious issue......but bcos I dress up like men in the '70s.......!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Nov 22 10:20:39 2005. [Full View]

This is a famous paper written for an Oxford philosophy exam,

normally requiring an eight page essay answer and expected to be

backed up with source material, quotes and analytical reasoning.

This guy wrote the below answer and topped the exam!

OXFORD EXAMINATION BOARD 1987

ESSAY QUESTION

Question: What is courage? (50 Marks)

Answer: This is courage

From: Alan on Tue Nov 22 22:18:26 2005.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Alan wrote:

No one need take any offence, because I'm a Sardar although I don't wear a turban or grow my hair.

Oye, Tu Sardar hai??! Surprised

Satsriakal ji, Ki haal hai?!! Wink

As for me, I've grown my hair rather long for the last 3 yrs....altho not having to do w/ ne religious issue......but bcos I dress up like men in the '70s.......! Wink

Yeah, I'm a sardar who does not wear a turban. Infact, none of the younger generation guys in my family wears hair. Though this kesh & turban thing distinguishes Sardars from the rest of the Indians, I think its a very stupid custom to have- men wearing their hair long. UGH!

From: NOV on Thu Nov 24 22:02:31 2005. [Full View]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit,
steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation, but I'll take charge."

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him; "Then you try again...!"
From: dev on Thu Nov 24 22:30:54 2005. [Full View]

Nov,
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Nov 25 10:31:15 2005. [Full View]

Hi,

COPY and PASTE the WEBSITE ADDRESS and FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!!!

Look carefully and find the 3 difference between the pictures.

A little bit tricky this one... concentrate hard. Put the speakers up too...it's got some nice mellow music to it.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Nov 25 10:32:33 2005.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit,
steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation, but I'll take charge."

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him; "Then you try again...!"

From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Nov 25 12:29:40 2005. [Full View]

nov.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Nov 25 12:32:41 2005. [Full View]

Shakthi
@ Nov illaya?

From: Lambretta on Fri Nov 25 13:23:02 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Hi,

COPY and PASTE the WEBSITE ADDRESS and FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!!!

Look carefully and find the 3 difference between the pictures.

A little bit tricky this one... concentrate hard. Put the speakers up too...it's got some nice mellow music to it.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

Sri..........

I shud've known.........!!

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Nov 25 13:42:27 2005.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Beckham wrote:

Sri.......... Shocked

I shud've known.........!! Rolling Eyes

scared huh?

From: Lambretta on Fri Nov 25 14:00:52 2005. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

scared huh?

Well, it seems tat I always fall for such tricks!
From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Nov 25 14:13:46 2005. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Shakthi
@ Nov illaya?

hehe

From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Nov 25 14:15:09 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Lambretta wrote:

Beckham wrote:

Sri.......... Shocked

I shud've known.........!! Rolling Eyes

scared huh? Confused

I read 'SCARED' as

'SACRED' and went to see the linkkkkkkkkkkkk

I shouted like helllllllllllllllllllllll my hus and kid from other room got all panicky the way I shouted.

beckhammmmmmmmmm

My heart almost stopped beating for a fleeting second. !!

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Nov 25 14:20:12 2005. [Full View]

Tension aagatheenga...can i delete tht post (
From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Nov 25 14:24:14 2005. [Full View]

no just say TENDER HEARTED PPL dont watch

let them be PREPARED.

Funny thing is I read it as "sacred" and expected SOMETHING V. DIFFERENT

I am okei now
From: NM on Fri Nov 25 16:49:52 2005. [Full View]

Early morning-leye enna bayamoorthutteye, Becks!! I was wondering what was so scary abt the 2 pictures and was wondering if there was a 3rd pic or it was just a typo......imagine my shock...kannu, muli ellaam pithingiruchchu!

Anyway, it was fun.....hvv a great w/e.

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Nov 25 18:06:17 2005.

[Full View]

NM wrote:

Early morning-leye enna bayamoorthutteye, Becks!! Evil or Very Mad

I was wondering what was so scary abt the 2 pictures and was wondering if there was a 3rd pic or it was just a typo......imagine my shock...kannu, muli ellaam pithingiruchchu! Shocked

Anyway, it was fun.....hvv a great w/e. Laughing

Its just a mirroR image NM...

From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Nov 26 3:48:28 2005. [Full View]

I had my cousin sending me some link today saying

"Just check this out its fun"

U wont know HOW MY HEART RACED WILD, when I opened that page

SUCH IMPACT THIS PIC HAD !! MY GOD!!!
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Nov 26 5:41:30 2005. [Full View]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick"!

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER(amused): Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: No, We have a carport and don't need a grudge.

LAWYER(confused): "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER(never giving up on patience): "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER(clenching his teeth): "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER(exasperated): "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER(quizzical): "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say "Polish Remover"
From: Alan on Sun Nov 27 11:37:46 2005. [Full View]

LOL! Nice one, Shakthi Mam!
From: NOV on Mon Nov 28 3:02:58 2005. [Full View]

A pastor, was testing the children in Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

Pastor asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

'NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now the Pastor, was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" he asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

He was just bursting with pride for them.

"Well," he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You got to be dead first!"

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Nov 28 3:20:23 2005.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

A pastor, was testing the children in Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

Pastor asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

'NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now the Pastor, was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" he asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

He was just bursting with pride for them.

"Well," he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You got to be dead first!"

hehehe...oru kadi joke-a hollywodd style-la sonna adhu joke aayduma

From: Alan on Mon Nov 28 4:30:37 2005. [Full View]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was a small load , so I did it by hand!!
From: Alan on Mon Nov 28 4:31:18 2005. [Full View]

TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband,
"but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Nov 28 12:15:12 2005. [Full View]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

********************************

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
From: Lambretta on Mon Nov 28 13:01:47 2005. [Full View]

No doubt this is really funny......only I've come across this very joke b4 (first published in our paper many yrs ago), then stated to've been the actual application of a teenage guy applying for a job at McDonald's........and yup, they hired him for the same reason!
From: NOV on Mon Nov 28 20:20:38 2005. [Full View]

A grand ceremony was held to commemorate the Laziest Man Awards. Simon was announced the runner-up and he went up the stage to collect his award. As he turned around to leave, the announcement was made for the winner! And he was none other than Joe!

To every one's surprise, Simon turned around and went back to collect the award!

The VIP questioned him and Simon replied that he was collecting the award on behalf of Joe.

"Joe told me to collect the award in case he won it, as he is too lazy to walk up the stage," thus proving that Joe indeed deserved his award.
From: NOV on Mon Nov 28 20:22:46 2005. [Full View]

I have this problem - whenever I make idli's my neighbour would take some and wear them on her hair.

If asked why, she would say, "neenga panna idli poo maadhiri irukku."
From: rajraj on Mon Nov 28 20:49:42 2005. [Full View]

NOV: idhukku perdhaan kaadhule poo vaikkiradhaa?
From: NOV on Mon Nov 28 21:18:38 2005. [Full View]

kaadhula poo illa, koondhalla.

also reminds me of the young boy who went to a restaurant and asked: "idli oru mozham evlO?"
you know the rest.
From: Lambretta on Mon Nov 28 22:39:00 2005. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

I have this problem - whenever I make idli's my neighbour would take some and wear them on her hair.

If asked why, she would say, "neenga panna idli poo maadhiri irukku."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Nov 29 0:19:30 2005. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

I have this problem - whenever I make idli's my neighbour would take some and wear them on her hair.

If asked why, she would say, "neenga panna idli poo maadhiri irukku."

Chinna pasanga sollura kadi joke-a kettutu vandhu post pannureengala?
From: NOV on Tue Nov 29 0:49:12 2005. [Full View]

thanks beck. ennaiyum chinna pasanga pattiyalilE sErthukondadhukku - Enaa joke'ai create pannathE naanthaan.
From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Nov 29 3:39:46 2005. [Full View]

nov,

joke thaaaangala

From: Alan on Tue Nov 29 10:09:51 2005.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

********************************

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

LOL!

From: tfmlover on Tue Nov 29 22:08:46 2005. [Full View]

u all prbly knw this already..but i try
filipino jokes
filipinos cant say 'f..only 'ep ,
these jokes i read online

The teacher asked his Filipino student to use the word "tenacious" in a sentence.
He replied,"well ebery morning I ben down and tie my ten-a-shos."
She then asked Paul( the Filipino student) to use his name in sentence four times.
He said," Paul, be care-Paul, or you'll Paul in de swimming-Paul."

What are the 3 prides in filipino?

pride pish
pride rice
pride chicken

Filipino man wants to join the Army and the Lt. said,
"you've passed all the requirements except for one.
You must use the words deduct, defense, defeat and detail.
The pinoy says, "oh serr, dats bery ezzy serr. De duck jumped ober de pence, de peet pirst, den de tail!."
From: NM on Wed Nov 30 1:10:21 2005. [Full View]

God creates Woman.

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs

Here's the scenario ......

God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

Woman: Excuse me God?

God: Yes

Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

***POOF*** Man was created.

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Nov 30 1:15:56 2005.

[Full View]

NM wrote:

God creates Woman.

Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs

Here's the scenario ......

God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?

Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?

Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

Woman: Excuse me God?

God: Yes

Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

***POOF*** Man was created.

From: NM on Wed Nov 30 1:16:22 2005. [Full View]

Advantage: Woman! Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
From: NM on Wed Nov 30 1:21:33 2005. [Full View]

Because I'm a Guy!

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

...when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going?

...I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest
From: hi on Wed Nov 30 2:28:39 2005. [Full View]

Subject: Moms Trick

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who
lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumarand his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother, !
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutne jar.But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed,she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,
Mom.
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Nov 30 4:33:33 2005. [Full View]

anjali, tfm, NM,
From: tfmlover on Wed Nov 30 14:14:32 2005. [Full View]

online cut n paste :

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." "The Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know they're having sex?" "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."
From: NM on Wed Nov 30 18:13:31 2005. [Full View]

Anjali, TFM :
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Dec 1 1:18:12 2005. [Full View]

tfm
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Dec 1 3:17:51 2005. [Full View]

Dad : I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : I want to choose my own bride.

Dad : But the girl is Ambani's daughter.

Son : Well, in that case......yes.

Next, the dad approaches Mukesh Ambani

Dad : I have a husband for your daughter.

Ambani : But my daughter is too young to marry.

Dad : But this young man is a vice- President of the World Bank.

Ambani : Ah, in that case.....yes.

Finally, the dad goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Dad : I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.

President : But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.

Dad : But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law.

President : Ah, in that case.......yes.

Now, this is concept selling!!

From: Alan on Thu Dec 1 3:30:19 2005.

[Full View]

tfmlover wrote:

online cut n paste :

John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few more moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." "The Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know they're having sex?" "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."

LOL!

Great one there!

From: dev on Thu Dec 1 4:01:50 2005. [Full View]

Good one, BecKham
From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Dec 2 1:18:02 2005. [Full View]

beckham nice. mgmt techniques!!
From: tfmlover on Fri Dec 2 1:32:32 2005. [Full View]

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary , all with big smiles on their faces
the coronr calls the police to show them what was happnd. a detctve inspectr is sent and
taken to the first body which is english man 60 yrs old , died of heart failre whilst making
love to his mistress..hence the enormous smile inspecter says coronr.

taken to second man scotsman , 25 ! won thousand pounds in lotto spent all on whisky ,
died frm alchl poisng hence the smile

mmm nothing unusual here says detective inspctr lets see the next body then

ahaa this the most unusual one said coronr ..
next body 'PRESIDENT OF PHILIPINES , STUCK BY LIGHTNING'
oh! why is he smiling then ??? asked the detective
coronr replied..'thought he was having his picture photo taken !
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Dec 2 10:35:34 2005. [Full View]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son.By all means."

Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
From: j.chenkalvarayan on Sat Dec 3 0:32:48 2005. [Full View]

for all the american dudes

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=JjvzQm4bJ8s
From: Lambretta on Sat Dec 3 1:07:47 2005. [Full View]

j.chenkalvarayan wrote:

for all the american dudes

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=JjvzQm4bJ8s

Hey cool man!!
I esp. like the message tat is spoken at the end......!
Btw, surprised tat those ABCD Tams. still speak their language!
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Dec 3 13:21:06 2005. [Full View]

for all posts. good ones

From: Querida on Sat Dec 3 19:07:33 2005.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

j.chenkalvarayan wrote:

for all the american dudes

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=JjvzQm4bJ8s

Hey cool man!! Clap

I esp. like the message tat is spoken at the end......! Thumbs Up!

Btw, surprised tat those ABCD Tams. still speak their language! Laughing

Hmmm it think the message was rather directed at...american(and their close neighbour?

) though you missed out on the dudettes so we're blamefree

i also think "cool' dudes were malaysian (petronas supported)...but still yeah good message for ABCD but would they not be still Confused?
***************************************************
This Joke is for Sama-san (aka Lambretta) albeit it's an american version

WHY THE 80's WERE COOLER FOR BEING A TEENAGER THAN THE 90's

- MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

- There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.

- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

- In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

- In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.

- In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school

- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

- In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!

From: Lambretta on Sun Dec 4 0:49:20 2005. [Full View]

Um...nice one, Que! Tks!
Altho I wud've enjoyed a 'cool' joke abt the '70s more, as tats my preferred decade, well.....I guess I like the '80s too as those were my childhood days (born in '81), plus days of Boney M, Michael Jackson & Illayaraja's music (altho not relevant to ur joke of course! )......and let's see.....oh yea, my scooter was made in the '80s (Feb. '85 to be precise)......
*digrsn* Btw, can "san" & "sama" (lord) be used together?? I thot it was only for parents/relatives like mama san etc......

PS:
Quote:

i also think "cool' dudes were malaysian (petronas supported)...but still yeah good message for ABCD but would they not be still Confused?

U mean those guys in the video were Malaysian Tams??!! Wow..........I cud hardly tell........unbelievable!
'didn't know they hav changed so much, comp'd w/ the Singapore Tams I've known!
From: bis_mala on Sun Dec 4 3:01:03 2005. [Full View]

A middle-aged engineer died and went before God, who is quite conservative, as he has always been! God went through his usual records and did not bother to find out from the engineer in what ways he could be useful to him. Basing on �hard evidence� God condemned the engineer to hell.

The engineer then appeared before Satan whose court was more majestic, aromatic and with full interior d�cor unlike God�s which has been �like that� and never improved from the beginning of time. Furthermore Satan had several beauties, some magnificently dressed and some wearing barely anything, fanning him and holding his legs, doing light massage.

With so much distraction, Satan took the record book and went through it carefully like Company Directors on earth. As each page was turned, Satan was nodding with approval and when he finished the last page, looked at the engineer very kindly.

�Young man!!� he said: � You have been rightly sent up here! Outside this court, our conditions of living are appallingly poor. I see that you have been an engineer on earth. Do something to improve things. . I will take care of you!�

The engineer then worked hard, laid water pipes, sewage pipes, hot water baths, electric lighting and all the full works. He even fixed phones in various halls and rooms and discovered a push button device which Satan could control so that the heat on penitents could be lowered or enhanced as Satan wished!!

The residents of hell were soon able to get together and party buffet style or with attending waitresses in candlelight ambience as in 5 star hotels on earth!!

God got angry as he always did after the event. �OK Satan! Let bygones be bygones! Retain whatever improvements you have made through that engineer. But you send him back to me immediately. I have a lot of improvements to effect in heaven which has lagged behind your hell!� he thundered through the telephone.

Satan, as you know, is terribly experienced in everything including handling God. So he calmly shook his head in his usual disobedient fashion: �Nope! It can�t be done! It is against the rules! You have given him to me, that is final!�

�Hey! Satan! I'll sue you until all the good things you have will have reverted to me in the form of damages, liquidated, unliquidated or both and I will ensure that the damages are exemplary and punitive!� roared God, in the process using some unfamiliar legal jargon trying to intimidate Satan.

Now Satan spoke: � You are just talking through your hat and I know from the beginning of time you never planned anything properly once and for all! All the lawyers are here with me and I know you have none in your heaven!! Just how do you think you are going to sue me ?�

After putting down the phone, Satan continued in his court, with all the beauties continuing to attend to him.

God never called back.
From: Querida on Sun Dec 4 23:39:20 2005. [Full View]

*answer to digrsn* - no can't really...should use -san respect to ANYONE or -sama (Lord) but did not want to address as lamb-sama, bretta-sama, will compromise with stanher-sama...is ok with you?
****************************************************

A young girl was doing a project on 70's rock groups asked
her father to name two of them.

"Yes!" he replied.

"Who?" she asked.

"There you go." he replied.

****************************************************
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

****************************************************

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

****************************************************

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

*************************************************

From: Lambretta on Sun Dec 4 23:47:34 2005.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

*answer to digrsn* - no can't really...should use -san respect to ANYONE or -sama (Lord) but did not want to address as lamb-sama, bretta-sama, will compromise with stanher-sama...is ok with you? Very Happy

I guess so.......

*digrsn. ended (for the time being!)*

From: Querida on Mon Dec 5 0:04:53 2005. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

I guess so.......
*digrsn. ended (for the time being!)*

*fine, fine your name is your preference lambretta it is. *

*****************************************************
Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."
From: Lambretta on Mon Dec 5 0:21:02 2005. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

*fine, fine your name is your preference lambretta it is. *

*Actually u can call me Lamby too, if u find my ID too long......tat was actually the nickname for Lambretta scooters here! *
From: Querida on Mon Dec 5 1:39:33 2005. [Full View]

Ok Lamby it is ...which reminds me :

A woman whose hair is blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care, because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her life.

She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by aherd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing
the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a
herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road,
and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep.

"You sure have a lot of sheep there," she says. "I know, it's very
difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says. "If I tell you
how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks. "Sure, if you guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees. "You have 257 sheep," says the woman.

The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she's preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
From: hi on Tue Dec 6 5:09:22 2005. [Full View]

ARIES (3/21-4/19): "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): "God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI (5/21-6/20): "Yo God. (Or is it Goddess?).Who are you? What are you? Where are You? How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER (6/21--7/22): "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO (7/23--8/22): "Hi Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO (8/23--9/22): "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time ."

LIBRA (9/23--10/22): "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO (10/23--11/21): "Dear God, hel! p me forgive my enemies, even if they don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS (11/22--12/21): "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING,ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES--- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN (12/22--1/19): "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS (1/20--2/18): "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES (2/19--3/20): "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."
From: scorpio on Tue Dec 6 5:20:59 2005. [Full View]

hi wrote:

SCORPIO (10/23--11/21): "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if they don't deserve it."
From: dev on Tue Dec 6 6:04:56 2005. [Full View]

hi wrote:

LIBRA (9/23--10/22): "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

Dear God, do YOU think I fit here?...

From: Lambretta on Tue Dec 6 9:03:40 2005.

[Full View]

Quote:

SAGITTARIUS (11/22--12/21): "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING,ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES--- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!!"

Um......I think I wud fit in here......

I'm rather skinny neways!

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Dec 6 13:18:35 2005. [Full View]

hi wrote:

TAURUS (4/20-5/20): "God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."
From: Querida on Tue Dec 6 20:54:43 2005. [Full View]

PISCES (2/19--3/20): "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

I never knew my little brother was such a drinker
From: Shekhar on Wed Dec 7 0:34:52 2005. [Full View]

Querida,

You are very unfair to blondes. Do you think reversal of poles was queried by a blonde?!!
From: Querida on Wed Dec 7 1:07:24 2005. [Full View]

alright Shekhar those blond highlights are a good idea for you

From: Alan on Wed Dec 7 13:58:43 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Dad : I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : I want to choose my own bride.

Dad : But the girl is Ambani's daughter.

Son : Well, in that case......yes.

Next, the dad approaches Mukesh Ambani

Dad : I have a husband for your daughter.

Ambani : But my daughter is too young to marry.

Dad : But this young man is a vice- President of the World Bank.

Ambani : Ah, in that case.....yes.

Finally, the dad goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Dad : I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.

President : But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.

Dad : But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law.

President : Ah, in that case.......yes.

Now, this is concept selling!!

Nice one! LOL!!!

From: Alan on Wed Dec 7 14:03:11 2005. [Full View]

Q: What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A: Brown-bagging it.

Q: What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A: Invisible.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q: Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A: The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q: Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A: When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage.

Q: Who makes bras for brunette's?
A: Fisher-Price.

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache.

From: NM on Wed Dec 7 19:47:34 2005.

[Full View]

hi wrote:

LEO (7/23--8/22): "Hi Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

This will make k1000 really big-headed

hi wrote:

love this

hi wrote:

CAPRICORN (12/22--1/19): "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

this really fits my lil' bro' very well!!

From: Arthi on Thu Dec 8 9:06:19 2005. [Full View]

Hi,

Our hero chatting with some heroine on chat.

Both are s/w engrs by the way and both work for real big MNC.

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Heroine: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you On Chat

Heroine: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back) I'll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroin to Arrive.

All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Heroine : Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things,tries to give me stupid work

Heroine: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Heroine: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Heroine: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.ok?

Heroine: THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. YOU KNOW WHO I AM NOW!!

YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Dec 8 13:14:12 2005. [Full View]

One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining
of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how Istrained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a
car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hellhappened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a
while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the
other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again
asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
From: Lambretta on Sat Dec 10 9:05:19 2005. [Full View]

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats
by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.
He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys
and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down.
While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the ground and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller
and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day,
just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was
very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats
on the ground.
He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the
monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grand father's words,
started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took
down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Laloo threw his hat on the ground but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all
the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the ground, gave him a slap and said

...............................................

........................................

......................................

...................................

.................................

............................

.......................

..................

................

..............

..........

.......

.....

..

"You think only you have a grandfather??"
From: Alan on Sat Dec 10 11:12:10 2005. [Full View]

LOL!!!! THAT WAS HILARIOUS, Lamby! Too good!
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Dec 10 11:43:55 2005. [Full View]
From: Lambretta on Sat Dec 10 11:51:38 2005. [Full View]

Tks Alan, Prabha!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Dec 13 4:35:46 2005. [Full View]

VAAZHKAI THATHUVAM

forward anupi tension pannalaam...
aana andha tensionaye forward panna mudiyaadhu...

unnala idhey thathuvatha repeat panna mudiyum...
aana indha thathuvathaala unna repeat panna mudiyaadhu....

ennala thathuvam solla mudiyum....
aana andha thathuvathaala enna solla mudima???

kalyaana aarthukku munnadi oru ponnu peeru shwetha,
adhey ponnu kozhandha poranthathum aayiduvaa aathaaa !!!!

cycle ninaalum sakkaram suthum...
aana sakaram ninna cycle la suthumudimaa???

Indran ayiravatham(white elephant) mela arina incidentt....
ana.. ayiravathum indran mela areina accident

Evvaloo kaasu kuduthu planela poolaanum,
Jannala tharanthu vedikkaa paakka mudiyaathu

Poison evlo naal aanalum payasam aaga mudiyadhu
But Payasam patthu naal aana poison aayidum.

Adayar AnandhaBhavanoda Branch Neraya edathula irukkum Ana Adayar Ala marathoda Branch Adayar la mattum than irukkum!!!

Caru kulla tyr inrunthaa adhu stephni, adey Nambha meela antha trye erinaa, nambha chatni !!!

vaayaala naainu solla mudiyum aana
naayaala vaainu solla mudiyathu

"Train evlo vegama ponalum,
kadaisi petty kadaisiyadhan pogum..."

"arisi kotina vaera arisi vangalam
pal kotina vaera pal vangalam aaana
thael kotina vaera thael vanga mudiyadhu...."

Cellula balance illana call panna mudiyathu....

Aaana....

Manushanukku call illana,

Balance panna mudiyathu....

'Bus poita bus stand angayae thaan irukum
aana cycle poita cycle stand koodavae poogum.'
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Dec 13 4:41:27 2005. [Full View]

Last but not least

aambilaiku adipatta thookitu poga ambulance irukku...
aana pombalaiku adipatta thookitu poga pombulance irukka?
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Dec 13 6:50:29 2005. [Full View]

SLIP OF TONGUE

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "oh no
From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Dec 13 8:09:19 2005. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

VAAZHKAI THATHUVAM

ithula rendu post vera ..."last but not least" nnu

From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Dec 13 8:10:10 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

SLIP OF TONGUE
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "oh no

Thats SADDDDDD . Thats not a joke

From: Alien on Tue Dec 13 8:19:21 2005. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Last but not least

aambilaiku adipatta thookitu poga ambulance irukku...
aana pombalaiku adipatta thookitu poga pombulance irukka?

From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Dec 13 8:33:07 2005.

[Full View]

vasanth_luv wrote:

Beckham wrote:

Last but not least

aambilaiku adipatta thookitu poga ambulance irukku...
aana pombalaiku adipatta thookitu poga pombulance irukka?

Twisted Evil

btw, its technically wrong.

aambalai (we all know its pronunciation)
ambulance ('A' here is pronounced like how its in "acid"... not like how its in "autumn")

Everybody knows that. So the joke stands INVALID.

From: Arthi on Tue Dec 13 8:38:12 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

SLIP OF TONGUE

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "oh no

Anna Kalakeeteenga

Fwd panna vendiya Edathula pannatumaa?

From: Lambretta on Tue Dec 13 8:38:43 2005.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Dec 13 8:38:47 2005. [Full View]

Kichadi mam....
In tamizh ppl wont prononuce as Ambulance....but collq tamizh its Ambalance....so no tech fault.....
From: Lambretta on Tue Dec 13 8:43:21 2005. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Kichadi mam....
In tamizh ppl wont prononuce as Ambulance....but collq tamizh its Ambalance....so no tech fault.....

Tat reminds me......when I was in Inter (sim. to +2) we had this Chemistry teacher (who was also actually a prof. in Osmania Univ, Hyd.) who'd pronounce Atom as "Aa-tam" (as in Mohini Aatam).......bcos of tat pronounciation I figured out he was Malyaali (no offence to them here!).......but to my surprise he turned out to be Telugu only.....!
From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Dec 13 10:04:47 2005. [Full View]

lambretta

We had a geography maam, who used to pronounce ITALY as itly...(which was right ofcourse).

We were too young to grasp the right pronunciation, instead, we were enjoying her calling italy as itly(idly)
and would ask under our breath,... "what about chutney maam"

From: Lambretta on Tue Dec 13 13:15:53 2005.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

lambretta

We had a geography maam, who used to pronounce ITALY as itly...(which was right ofcourse).
We were too young to grasp the right pronunciation, instead, we were enjoying her calling italy as itly(idly)
and would ask under our breath,... "what about chutney maam"

From: NOV on Wed Dec 14 4:25:38 2005. [Full View]

A Poem For Those Over 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Dec 14 5:28:40 2005. [Full View]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in
large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign,
and
held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."
From: Querida on Wed Dec 14 17:23:54 2005. [Full View]

NOV-san to admit that you're outdated is one thing...but to write a poem about it...i don't know
*****************************************************

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"

The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Dec 15 2:06:38 2005.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Quote:

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy

Tried as much but I could not understnd ur second(winking problem) joke though

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Dec 15 2:36:16 2005. [Full View]

Kichadi mam,
Simple..Normally ppl feel shy to ask for a condom in medical shop.So if this person keeps on winking there, it means that he needs condom Got it
From: Scale on Thu Dec 15 4:21:01 2005. [Full View]

Gorgeous stills of "SPICE GIRLS"

http://img204.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cnv0000396jh.jpg
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Dec 15 5:27:01 2005. [Full View]

Scale

I wuz really ......... (I am not gonna fill up that. Let ppl see to believe...)

Damn gorgeous spice girl

Beckham,

thx for the expl.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Dec 15 6:03:31 2005. [Full View]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friend encouraged me.

And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door! I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car!!!

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in the car... "
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Dec 15 7:35:04 2005. [Full View]

Scale wrote:

Gorgeous stills of "SPICE GIRLS"

http://img204.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cnv0000396jh.jpg

First
After
Gud one dude
From: Scale on Thu Dec 15 10:24:06 2005. [Full View]

Beck, I can feel yr regrets towards Victoria now!.

SP akka ungalukku yen porama. alagairukiravanga kitta thaan aanavam irukkumnnu sariya thaan solli irukkangha
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Dec 15 10:43:39 2005. [Full View]

scale.........

From: Alan on Thu Dec 15 11:08:54 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friend encouraged me.

And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door! I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car!!!

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in the car... "

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From: vetrivendan on Thu Dec 15 11:10:29 2005. [Full View]

....Deleted....

This was there already.....

From: vetrivendan on Thu Dec 15 11:12:13 2005.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Nice one, Dude....

From: malligai on Thu Dec 15 12:15:12 2005. [Full View]

[quote="Querida

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."[/quote]

Good one Q..
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Dec 15 13:01:08 2005. [Full View]

Beckham, the joke u posted, was forwarded to be 3 years back in one such rotation of forwarded emails.

Anyway, surprised to see, THERE ARE PPL, who were not targeted in those mailing list chians.

From: Avenger on Thu Dec 15 13:10:56 2005.

[Full View]

Chinna payan yenakkey puriyudhu,Ungalukku puriyalayaa!

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Querida wrote:

Quote:

Tried as much but I could not understnd ur second(winking problem) joke though Confused

From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Dec 15 13:32:34 2005. [Full View]

Avenger wrote:

Chinna payan yenakkey puriyudhu,Ungalukku puriyalayaa!

Guess I am born dud. k bye . go do ur pracs.
From: Querida on Thu Dec 15 18:27:55 2005. [Full View]

Scale love your avatar! it's so cute.

haha beckham that joke is quite naughty....the ending is simply too funny

speaking of which Shaktiprabha i should be as clueless as you about jokes like that
****************************************************

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Make up new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
From: NOV on Fri Dec 16 3:29:19 2005. [Full View]

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew still doesn't answer.

"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home.

You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married.
And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Dec 16 9:00:13 2005. [Full View]

Querida

Nov
From: Scale on Sun Dec 18 11:55:48 2005. [Full View]

Thanks Q. No copyrights holded. If u like, goahead and save it as GIF file b4 I opt for another one.

Bonus,

http://img502.imageshack.us/my.php?image=babypressup4ys.jpg

Hope you like it as well..
From: Scale on Sun Dec 18 12:04:59 2005. [Full View]

I am serious. No jokes this time.

Guess? who is the h/w actor in Tamil movie. The Title is really gripping. Promos are out from the workshop. Probably BR,KR & all rajas (no punch intended) be producing & Tirupachi/sivakasi fame Perarasu will be directing it. Provided h/w actor confirms.....

http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=arnold4bm.jpg
From: Alan on Mon Dec 19 12:25:42 2005. [Full View]

Aamir Khan, Vivek Oberoi and Salman Khan die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck.

And although they try their best to avoid them, Aamir accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, Vivek Uberoi steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for Aamir Khan.

Salman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.

He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, Aishwarya Rai. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

Salman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Dec 19 15:21:12 2005. [Full View]

@ alan. (THats for the nice joke)

(Thats because I am a salman fan)

Scale,

Arvind swamy poor guy has gone thro terrible transformation. But tht does not authorise u to post it in joke thread as a JOKE (I was/am(??) arvindswamy's fan.......... goshhhhhhhh sad I feel)
From: Justice on Mon Dec 19 21:56:35 2005. [Full View]

jokes?
From: hi on Mon Dec 19 22:47:37 2005. [Full View]

Subject: [Desi Masala] See the guts
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.

The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !".

Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds.the soldier did as he was told.when he came back from the water the German said "See the guts ".

Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.
The soldier promptly replied, "Am I your dad's servant?".
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".

From: Scale on Tue Dec 20 0:57:10 2005.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

@ alan.

(THats for the nice joke)

Evil or Very Mad

(Thats because I am a salman fan)

Scale,

Arvind swamy poor guy has gone thro terrible transformation. But tht does not authorise u to post it in joke thread as a JOKE Laughing

(I was/am(??) arvindswamy's fan.......... goshhhhhhhh sad I feel)

SP,

Check again where I posted that link. TF or MS?

From: malsi on Tue Dec 20 1:46:39 2005. [Full View]

wheres the link on arvind swamy?..
From: Scale on Tue Dec 20 1:58:32 2005. [Full View]

justice wrote:

jokes?

Here is the link malsi

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/7940/arvind1tb.jpg
From: malsi on Tue Dec 20 2:16:28 2005. [Full View]

thanks ...by the way..he looks really different now..
From: hi on Tue Dec 20 2:49:57 2005. [Full View]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in bed.She goes downstairs to look for
him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers
as she steps into the room.

"Why are you down here at
this time of night?" The husband looks up from his
coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were
not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father
caught us in the garden"

"Yes, I remember" said the
wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed
the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my
daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I
remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I
would have been released today" if I was in jail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
From: malsi on Tue Dec 20 4:39:51 2005. [Full View]

hahahahaha...
From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Dec 20 10:20:13 2005. [Full View]

scale looks like ive become the JOKE OF THE DAY today

Check out TF-CHAT thread.

Anjali, ur first joke is REALLY GOOD

From: Alan on Tue Dec 20 11:09:41 2005.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

@ alan.

(THats for the nice joke)

Evil or Very Mad

(Thats because I am a salman fan)

Scale,

Arvind swamy poor guy has gone thro terrible transformation. But tht does not authorise u to post it in joke thread as a JOKE Laughing

(I was/am(??) arvindswamy's fan.......... goshhhhhhhh sad I feel)

Thanks Shakthi Mam!

From: Alan on Tue Dec 20 11:14:09 2005. [Full View]

>>An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store
>>looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales
>>experience?"
>>
>>The Indian said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the
>>manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. You start
>>tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but
>>let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say,
>>for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving
>>cream etc. you get the idea?"
>>
>>Of course," the young man said.
>>
>>His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
>>store
>>was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make
>>today?
>>
>>The Indian said, "One"
>>
>>The manager groaned, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30
>>sales/day.
>>
>>How much was
>>the sale for?"
>>
>>The Indian said, "$101,237.64."
>>
>>The manager exclaimed, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
>>
>>The Indian explained, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I
>>sold him a
>>medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him
>>a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and
>>he said "down at the coast", so I told him he was going to need a
>>boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that
>>twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
>>Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
>>department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
>>
>>The manager was astounded, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a
>>fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
>>
>>The Indian hastily clarified, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a
>>box of
>>Kotex for his wife and I said,"Well, since your weekend's already
>>screwed up you might as well go fishing."
From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Dec 20 12:05:20 2005. [Full View]

nice one again @ alan
From: malsi on Tue Dec 20 21:42:22 2005. [Full View]

good one
From: a.ratchasi on Wed Dec 21 5:53:19 2005. [Full View]

What is the difference between Love marriage & Arranged marriage?

First one is Tharkolai..and the next one is Thittamitta kolai
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: Doctor en wifekku peyi pudichirukku..

Doctor: eppadi sollureenga???

Man: munnadi kalakalannu sirichava ippo lakalakalakanu sirikkira..!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Can you tell me something about Raja Ram Mohan Roy?

Boy: They were four best friends..!
From: Sandeep on Wed Dec 21 6:00:33 2005. [Full View]

This is from an actually SSLC answer paper published in Malayala Manorama news paper years back.

Question : Describe the assasination of Ghandhiji in 2 sentences

Answer :

Bang Bang.
Ram Ram.
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Dec 21 6:08:53 2005. [Full View]

a.ratchasi wrote:

What is the difference between Love marriage & Arranged marriage?

First one is Tharkolai..and the next one is Thittamitta kolai

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

Man: Doctor en wifekku peyi pudichirukku..

Doctor: eppadi sollureenga???

Man: munnadi kalakalannu sirichava ippo lakalakalakanu sirikkira..!
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Dec 21 6:25:58 2005. [Full View]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and......

Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

From: Lambretta on Wed Dec 21 8:51:17 2005.

[Full View]

Sandeep wrote:

This is from an actually SSLC answer paper published in Malayala Manorama news paper years back.

Question : Describe the assasination of Ghandhiji in 2 sentences

Answer :

Bang Bang.
Ram Ram.

I thot it was Hey Ram??! Looks like the student who answered this qsn. wasn't too good at history! So the joke's on him as well!

From: a.ratchasi on Wed Dec 21 21:08:29 2005. [Full View]

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No! I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori : You are now talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's
urgent!

Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to
anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured
and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital.
Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to
the hospital from the accident that is'nt an urgent
matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have
time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori : I'm Sori.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori : I'm Sori!!

Lee Sum Wan : I don't like your tone of voice Mr and I don't care,
give me your name!

Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori! I'm Sori!! I'm
SORI!!! You didn't even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You
better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my
uncle holds a very big position in the company. He
is Noe Buddy!
From: hi on Wed Dec 21 21:53:03 2005. [Full View]

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme

with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screw*d up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
From: malsi on Wed Dec 21 22:04:29 2005. [Full View]

hahahha....good ones..
From: malsi on Thu Dec 22 5:58:11 2005. [Full View]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
From: Alan on Thu Dec 22 12:08:02 2005. [Full View]

Nice one, malsi!
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Dec 24 14:00:44 2005. [Full View]

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?' (Do u have mango?)

The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bejte.' (We dont sell mangos)

Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam hai kya ?' (Do u have mango?)

He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi Bechte' (Did not I say, we DONT SELL MANGOS)

On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?' (Do u have mango?)

He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar' (DID NOT I SAY.... IF U COME BACK AGAIN, I WOULD HIT U WITH A HAMMER)

The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya ?' (do u have hammer)

The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi' (no)

The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?' (do u have mango?)

Part-2

The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks
"Aam hai kya??" (do u have mango?)

The shopkeeper is ready now....
He quickly pulls a hammer and hitz the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks

Scroll Down
---

---

---

---

"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA??? (Do u have MANGO-JUICE?)
From: malsi on Sun Dec 25 0:22:04 2005. [Full View]

i dont get it
From: Shakthiprabha on Sun Dec 25 2:36:56 2005. [Full View]

malsi, Check back now.

IVE TRANSLATED in english besides the hindi version.
From: nilavupriyan on Sun Dec 25 2:49:20 2005. [Full View]

sorry if this joke hurts anyone!

small boy: "paati kadha sollu paati"

paati : "oru oorula oru saamiyar irundharam...."

small boy : "sex kadhaiyellam veandam paati..vera nalla kadhaiya sollu"

From: Alan on Sun Dec 25 4:21:33 2005.

[Full View]

a.ratchasi wrote:

Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You
better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my
uncle holds a very big position in the company. He
is Noe Buddy!

Good one, ratchasi!

From: Alan on Sun Dec 25 4:23:09 2005.

[Full View]

nilavupriyan wrote:

sorry if this joke hurts anyone!

small boy: "paati kadha sollu paati"

paati : "oru oorula oru saamiyar irundharam...."

small boy : "sex kadhaiyellam veandam paati..vera nalla kadhaiya sollu"

I didn't understand a thing. Can someone translate this for me?

From: Alan on Sun Dec 25 4:25:16 2005. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA??? (Do u have MANGO-JUICE?)

Sorry Madam, I don't get the joke. Pardon me?
From: malsi on Sun Dec 25 4:42:57 2005. [Full View]

i assume that the parrot has no teeth anymore..so..since the parrot cannot bite and eat the mango..its asking for mango juice..hahaha...
From: malsi on Sun Dec 25 4:43:33 2005. [Full View]

thanks for the translation shakthi mam
From: malsi on Sun Dec 25 4:45:14 2005. [Full View]

From: Alan on Sun Dec 25 4:23:09 2005. [Full View]

nilavupriyan wrote:
sorry if this joke hurts anyone!

small boy: "paati kadha sollu paati"

paati : "oru oorula oru saamiyar irundharam...."

small boy : "sex kadhaiyellam veandam paati..vera nalla kadhaiya sollu"

I didn't understand a thing. Can someone translate this for me?

............................................................

samiyar ~~ sex (..i cannot elaborate anymore..)
From: Lambretta on Sun Dec 25 10:20:09 2005. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

I didn't understand a thing. Can someone translate this for me?

Small boy: "Grandma tell me a story"

Grandma: "Once in a town/city there lived a Swamiji....."

Small boy: "I don't want sex stories grandma......tell me sum proper story"
From: Shakthiprabha on Sun Dec 25 13:12:50 2005. [Full View]

geeeez great u ppl enjoyed so much. Surprised that alan could not get it. The saddest part is to EXPLAIN A JOKE.

Atleast for the pain undertaken for translating, (and malsi explaining again) please manage to curl a small smile.
:sigh: :sigh:
From: malsi on Mon Dec 26 5:45:11 2005. [Full View]

hahaha..i hope alan has understood now...
From: Alan on Mon Dec 26 8:14:51 2005. [Full View]

Hmmm...........Sorry Shakthi Mam. Well as you said, explaining a joke spoils the fun of it. I wish I hadn't said that.
Thanks malsi for the trouble.
From: malsi on Mon Dec 26 10:54:13 2005. [Full View]

hey alan...come on..what is there in explaining..it wasnt a trouble at all..we were just kidding..pls dont take it seriously..
From: Sundar12345 on Mon Dec 26 11:52:40 2005. [Full View]

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "Guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.

A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
From: Sundar12345 on Mon Dec 26 11:53:11 2005. [Full View]

Surpise gift!!

Miss Jones is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked into her classroom one of her students, Dollly, had brought a gift up to her desk.
"Guess what it is!" said Dolly.
Knowing that Dolly`s father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?"
"How did you know?" asked Dolly
Next, Robert brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Robert.
Knowing that his parents owned a florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?"
"How did you know ?" asked Robert
Finally, Johnny brought up a gift for Miss Smith.
"Guess what it is!" said Johnny.
Knowing that Johnny`s father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them.
"Rum?" guessed Miss Smith.
"No" said Johnny.
She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed.
"No" said Johnny.
Once again she wet her fingers and tasted, "I know," said Miss Smith, "It`s wine."
"No!" said Johnny..."it`s a puppy."
From: Sundar12345 on Mon Dec 26 11:54:03 2005. [Full View]

Little Johnny was late for class. He walked into the classroom, quietly shut the door behind him, and tiptoed to his seat, all the while hoping his teacher wouldn't notice. But, nevertheless, the teacher was well aware of his entry.

Upset by his tardiness, the teacher asked, "Is this how your father would have come in? Would he have come in late and tried to sneak to his desk?"

The teacher pointed to the door and continued, "Now, leave this classroom and try it again. And, be sure to get it right next time!"

So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.

He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor, and said, "So, Honey, didn't expect *me*, did you?"
From: Sundar12345 on Mon Dec 26 11:54:58 2005. [Full View]

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."

The psychologist explains:

"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."
From: Sundar12345 on Mon Dec 26 11:55:29 2005. [Full View]

While making rounds, a doctor shows an X ray to a group of interns.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps be-cause his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the intern, "I suppose I`d limp too."

From: Alan on Mon Dec 26 12:22:20 2005.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Alan wrote:

I didn't understand a thing. Can someone translate this for me?

Small boy: "Grandma tell me a story"

Grandma: "Once in a town/city there lived a Swamiji....."

Small boy: "I don't want sex stories grandma......tell me sum proper story"
Rolling Eyes

Thanks Lamby. Thou art a true friend!

From: Alan on Mon Dec 26 12:25:06 2005.

[Full View]

Sundar12345 wrote:

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."

The psychologist explains:

"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good one, Sundar!

From: Alan on Mon Dec 26 12:28:47 2005.

[Full View]

Sundar12345 wrote:

While making rounds, a doctor shows an X ray to a group of interns.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps be-cause his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the intern, "I suppose I`d limp too."

From: Lambretta on Mon Dec 26 12:30:06 2005. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Thanks Lamby. Thou art a true friend!

Twas my pleasure old chap!
Only I din't find it so amusing.....but tats me!
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Dec 26 13:09:16 2005. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Hmmm...........Sorry Shakthi Mam. Well as you said, explaining a joke spoils the fun of it. I wish I hadn't said that.
Thanks malsi for the trouble.

I suppose I should learn to keep my mouth shut(which I never seem to)

Sorry bout that.

From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Dec 26 13:17:04 2005.

[Full View]

Sundar12345 wrote:

So, Little Johnny picked up his books and left the room. A few moments later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.

He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the floor, and said, "So, Honey, didn't expect *me*, did you?"

I am imagining the animated scene and the teacher's appalled look

Nice jokes.

From: Alan on Mon Dec 26 13:20:11 2005.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Alan wrote:

Hmmm...........Sorry Shakthi Mam. Well as you said, explaining a joke spoils the fun of it. I wish I hadn't said that.
Thanks malsi for the trouble.

I suppose I should learn to keep my mouth shut(which I never seem to) Embarassed

Sorry bout that.

Nono, its not your fault. Relax!

From: malsi on Mon Dec 26 21:14:01 2005. [Full View]

so is it my fault ??
From: phil on Mon Jan 2 15:30:33 2006. [Full View]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.

Girl Friend: My father has great eyes site like eagle, he is very
clever as fox, very brave like the Lion...
Boy Friend: This means that I need to buy a ticket to the
Zoo to meet your Father??
From: Alan on Tue Jan 3 2:09:29 2006. [Full View]

malsi wrote:

so is it my fault ??

no...............not at all.................never.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Jan 5 12:50:34 2006. [Full View]

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to

console him after the attack on the Pentagon: "I'm

sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big

tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents

from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

======================================================

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my

condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many

people,

I would like to ensure that we had nothing in

connection

with that........

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

======================================================

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in

and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks

over

and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14

million

Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you
no-one

would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

=======================================================

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!!
From: Querida on Thu Jan 5 17:08:45 2006. [Full View]

Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the well-dressed man bellowed, "Hrm! Do you realize that you are attempting to rob a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

*****************************************************

SOME RULES TO REMEMBER TO GET THE JOB DONE

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, quit. It's no use being a fool.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The people who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When you don't know what to do, carry a folder, walk fast and look worried.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would my boss handle this?" Then do the opposite.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
From: Alan on Fri Jan 6 12:32:49 2006. [Full View]

GREAT ONES!!!!!!!!!
From: malsi on Fri Jan 6 23:05:10 2006. [Full View]

Stopping at a restaurant advertising a " Unique Breakfast" , a man asked the waitress what this was, and was told, " baked chicken tongue."

" That's disgusting!" the man said. "I'd never eat something that came out of a chicken's mouth."

"What would you like then?" the waitress asked.

"Just bring me scrambled eggs," the man replied

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Whats the difference between the government and the Mafia ?
A : One of them is organised.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
From: Alan on Sat Jan 7 6:21:53 2006. [Full View]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!! Nice one, malsi!
From: malsi on Sat Jan 7 10:41:52 2006. [Full View]

thanks Alan !!
From: Alan on Sat Jan 7 13:09:27 2006. [Full View]

Doctor Jokes

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
From: Alan on Sat Jan 7 13:10:59 2006. [Full View]

More Doctor Jokes

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
From: malsi on Sat Jan 7 23:18:06 2006. [Full View]

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated, and neither wanted to concede their position, so they sat in silence for several kilometres.

Finally they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs.

"Relatives of yours?" the wife asked sarcastically.

"Yes.." the husband replied. " In-laws."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Reporter interviewing a 104 year old woman. " what is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied " No peer pressure."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
From: Prabhu Ram on Sun Jan 8 0:08:09 2006. [Full View]

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
From: Lambretta on Sun Jan 8 1:06:02 2006. [Full View]

malsi wrote:

Reporter interviewing a 104 year old woman. " what is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied " No peer pressure."

Aaah......idhu super!
From: malsi on Sun Jan 8 2:16:43 2006. [Full View]

"YOu've got to help me,"the man said to the psychiatrist."Every night for the past two weeks I have dreamed I am playing in a badminton tournament.Then I wake up tired and sweaty."

"OK, here's your medicine," the doctor said."Drink this right away, and you'll be cured in no time."

" Can't I wait and drink it tomorrow?" the dreamer wanted to know.

"Why?" the doctor asked.

"It's our championship game tonight."
From: Alan on Sun Jan 8 4:44:17 2006. [Full View]

Prabhu Ram wrote:

Giving sad news to a troop......

LOL!
From: Alan on Sun Jan 8 4:45:31 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

malsi wrote:

Reporter interviewing a 104 year old woman. " what is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied " No peer pressure."

Aaah......idhu super!

I agree with Lamby! LOL!
From: dev on Sun Jan 8 5:31:23 2006. [Full View]

Alan,

the doc jokes were too good...

From: Lambretta on Sun Jan 8 7:18:56 2006.

[Full View]

Alan wrote:

Lambretta wrote:

malsi wrote:

Reporter interviewing a 104 year old woman. " what is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied " No peer pressure."

Aaah......idhu super! Wink

I agree with Lamby! LOL! Laughing

Wow! learning Tamil already Paaji?

From: Lambretta on Sun Jan 8 7:20:22 2006. [Full View]

dev wrote:

Alan,

the doc jokes were too good...

Yup.....altho I wudn't say the same for just the one abt the doc's wife.......
Oh well......!
From: Alan on Sun Jan 8 12:40:11 2006. [Full View]

Thanks dev & Lamby.

Lamby, I know 'konjum' Tamil & 'Kurachu' Malayalam.
And the only sentence in Telugu i know is : "Naku Teliyathu"!!!
From: Lambretta on Sun Jan 8 12:45:33 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

And the only sentence in Telugu i know is : "Naku Teliyathu"!!!

And tat means I don't know- a very fitting sentence to learn, in ur case (unless/until u can learn Telugu fully in future..!)
From: Alan on Mon Jan 9 3:01:11 2006. [Full View]

Yes I know that it means " I don't know" I also know one more sentence in Telugu.
Be prepared for a shock:

"Nenu ninnu premis tunnunnu"

LOL!!!!
From: NOV on Mon Jan 9 3:19:23 2006. [Full View]

Some Tamil Kadis

Thatuvam onnu : Cream biscut la cream irukkum..................anna Naai biscut la naai irukkuma????????????????

Thatuvam rendu: Busla nee aerinallum.............. Busu un mella aerinallum.......... Ticket vanga porathu neeeee than......................

Thatuvam mundru: Ticket Vangitu Ulla poradu cinema theatre, ulae poitu ticket vanguradu operation theatre...........

Quarter Adichittu Kuppura padukkalaam!
Aana kupura paduthuttu quarter adikka mudiyathu...!!

Naai Vaalai Aattalaam!
Aana Vaal Naaya aatta mudiyathu!!

Trainkku ticket vaangi platformla ukkaaralaam!
Aana platformku ticket vangi trainla ukkara mudiyathu!!

Kaakka ennadhaan karuppa irundhaalum adhu podara muttai vellai!
Muttai ennadhaan vellaiya irundhaalum adhukulla irukkare kaakka karuppudhaan!!

Vaazhkai Thaththuvam: Nee evalo periya dancer aa irundhaalum
Un saavukku unnaala aada mudiyuma???

ulagam theriyaama vaazhravan veguli
cricket theriyaama vilaiyaaduravan ganguly

Thanneera Thanninnu sollalaam
Panneera panninnu solla mudiyuma??

Sirpi kalla uliyaala adicha adhu kalai,
naama sirpiya uliyaala adicha adhu kolai!!

Iron boxaala iron panna mudiyum
Aana pencil boxaala pencil panna mudiyaadhu!!

Enna than meenuku neendha therinjalum adhala meen kolambula neendha mudiyadhu

Ne Enna than costly mobile vachirundhalum, Athula evalavu than recharge pannalum, unnalla unakku call panna mudiyathu

.net code nama adikkalam ana .net ala namala adikamudiyathe
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Jan 9 4:08:18 2006. [Full View]
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Jan 9 5:06:48 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Enna grin pannureenga..naan erkanavey indha "Vaazhkai Thathuvam" post panniteyen adhukku ippadi sollittu innaikku sirikireenga? Kichadi mam..yen..yen ippad,yedhukku,yedhanala?
From: dev on Mon Jan 9 6:01:21 2006. [Full View]

Nov,

thanga mudiyalai... Enna ellam unga pasanga kitta collect pannina jokes aa?...
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Jan 9 6:02:51 2006. [Full View]

beckham,

anikku en mood apdi
innikku ipdi

ariyaatha pillai theriyaatha seytha seyal endru ennai mannichu vitrunga beckham.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Jan 9 6:09:21 2006. [Full View]

Actually edho oru group ippadi kelambi irrukku..daily i m getting these kind of jokes through mail/sms
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Jan 9 6:10:50 2006. [Full View]

KM,
Thangalai naan manikka mudiyadhu,adharkana vayasum illai,anubavamum illai....
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Jan 9 7:48:24 2006. [Full View]
From: NM on Mon Jan 9 19:52:12 2006. [Full View]

NOV ...
From: davie on Mon Jan 9 22:07:45 2006. [Full View]

1. What is Common between: Krishna, Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.

2. Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his
Phone Book &said "My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia "3310"
and Now it is "6610"

I tried laughing for the above, but could not. May be some one great is able to do that so i am posting.

3. Santa: I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College,
Banta: Really, what is he studying, Santa : No he is not studying, They r
Studying him.

4. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE
U SISTER."*
From: hi on Wed Jan 11 0:01:12 2006. [Full View]

The Barber:

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a
Community Service". Florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You"
Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
he again refuses to take the money.The Confectioner is happy and
leaves the shop.The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at
his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay, the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there ?

Scroll down for the answer... . . . . . . .. . . .
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
>
> .
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with
Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about the free haircut !
From: Arthi on Wed Jan 11 0:05:04 2006. [Full View]

Anjali :

But I asked that s/w engg, he said no i didn't do that
From: Arthi on Wed Jan 11 0:07:03 2006. [Full View]

davie wrote:

4. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE
U SISTER."*

good one
From: Arthi on Wed Jan 11 0:07:44 2006. [Full View]

davie wrote:

4. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. He writes a Love letter to her, " I LOVE
U SISTER."*

good one
From: Querida on Wed Jan 11 1:06:30 2006. [Full View]

Great jokes everyone! I think if i laff any harder Alan...I'll need a doc!

****************************************************

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the darn lantern was lit!"

***************************************************

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
****************************************************

A man saw an advertisement in a paper which read, "Porsche for sale: $1." He went to view it, expecting to find a battered heap of rust, but instead found himself face to face with a gleaming new model in mint condition.
"Why are you selling it for $1?" he asked the lady.
"Simple. Last week, my husband ran off with his secretary. He said: "You can keep the house, but sell my Porsche and send the money to me."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Jan 11 7:12:07 2006. [Full View]

Some more Vaazhkai thathuvamss

1. Paaku marathula paaku irukum,
Theaku marathula thaeku irukum,
Aana pana marathula panam irukaadhu..!!!!!

2. Saturday to Sunday-> oru naal,
Aana Sunday to Saturday ->??!!!!!!!!!

3. Cycle la poana cycling,
Train la poana training-a?

4. Puli padhunguvadhu paai vadharkey�
Full meals sappiduvadhu saai vadharkey..!!!!!!

5. enna than nerupu koliya irundalum...avicha mutaya podadhu.... idhu
than ulagam!!!

6. Ennadhan aeroplane mela parandhaalum... Petrol poda keelathaan
varanum.

7. mechanical engineer mechanic aagalam aana software engineer software
aaga mudiyadhu......

8. kosu kadicha tortoise aethivakkalam aana tortoise kadicha kosu
aethivakka mudiyumaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. tea cupla tea irukkalam....ana....worldcupla world irukka
mudiyathu.....

10. Evvaloo kaasu kuduthu planela poolaanum, Jannala tharanthu vedikkaa
paakka mudiyaathu
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Jan 11 7:12:59 2006. [Full View]

Copper wirela connection kodutha adhu minsaaram
Manja kayirula connection kodutha adhu samsaaram
From: Arthi on Wed Jan 11 8:01:13 2006. [Full View]

Anna this is my share

Ulagam theriyaama valandhaa avan vheguly Cricket theriyaama valandhaa avan Ganguly....

Aambalaikku adi pattaa Ambulance varum, aanaa Pombalaikku adi pattaa Pombalance varumaaa ???????

Forward pannii Tension aakkaa mudiyum, aanaa Tension panni Forward aakkaa mudiyumaaa ?????

arisi kotina vaera arisi vangalam
pal kotina vaera p al vangalam aaana
thael kotina vaera thael vanga mudiyadhu�.

Vaayala "naai" nu Solla mudiyum aaana...
Naayaala "Vaai" nu solla mudiyuma ???

Paalil irunthu paalkova panalam aaana��.

Rasathil irundhu rasagulla pana mudiuma�??

Railway station la police station irukkum aaana

Police station la railway station irukkathu �.

Meen "thanni"la irukkarathu naala..
Arrest panna mudiyumaa?

Enna dhan meenukku neendha terinchalum
Adhala Meen kulambula neendha mudiyathu.

Quarter Adichittu Kuppura padukkalaam!
Aana kupura paduthuttu quarter adikka mudiyathu�!!

Naai Vaalai Aattalaam!
Aana Vaal Naaya aatta mudiyathu!!

Trainkku ticket vaangi platformla ukkaaralaam!
Aana platformku ticket vangi trainla ukkara mudiyathu!!

Kaakka ennadhaan karuppa irundhaalum adhu podara muttai vellai!
Muttai ennadhaan vellaiya irundhaalum adhukulla irukka kaakka karuppudhaan!!

Nee evalo periya dancer aa irundhaalum
Un saavukku unnaala aada mudiyuma???
From: dev on Wed Jan 11 8:14:15 2006. [Full View]

Becks,
From: Alan on Wed Jan 11 23:06:55 2006. [Full View]

Oh no........are you going to 'Tamilize' this thread too?
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Jan 11 23:23:10 2006. [Full View]
From: Querida on Wed Jan 11 23:40:16 2006. [Full View]

Sorry guys i get the wise humour but meh it just doesn't tickle my funny bone...

Signs You Chose a "No Frills" Airline

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Jan 11 23:44:24 2006. [Full View]

nice one querida. I loved the last line.

*************

reg the tickling part of earlier ones, TN is famous for so called 'kadi jokes'.

One would get the feel of it or start enjoying these jokes, only when he or she has stayed in TN. I think the humour limits the audience geographically.
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Jan 11 23:45:37 2006. [Full View]

on second thoughts I loved

last line
last but one line
second line

much more than others
From: Querida on Wed Jan 11 23:49:21 2006. [Full View]

love that avatar Shakti

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."
From: Alan on Thu Jan 12 1:58:21 2006. [Full View]

nice one, Querida...but thou make fun of thy species, huh?

From: Alan on Thu Jan 12 2:03:14 2006.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Some more Vaazhkai thathuvamss

1. Paaku marathula paaku irukum,
Theaku marathula thaeku irukum,
Aana pana marathula panam irukaadhu..!!!!!

2. Saturday to Sunday-> oru naal,
Aana Sunday to Saturday ->??!!!!!!!!!

3. Cycle la poana cycling,
Train la poana training-a?

4. Puli padhunguvadhu paai vadharkey…
Full meals sappiduvadhu saai vadharkey..!!!!!!

5. enna than nerupu koliya irundalum...avicha mutaya podadhu.... idhu
than ulagam!!!

6. Ennadhan aeroplane mela parandhaalum... Petrol poda keelathaan
varanum.

7. mechanical engineer mechanic aagalam aana software engineer software
aaga mudiyadhu......

8. kosu kadicha tortoise aethivakkalam aana tortoise kadicha kosu
aethivakka mudiyumaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. tea cupla tea irukkalam....ana....worldcupla world irukka
mudiyathu.....

10. Evvaloo kaasu kuduthu planela poolaanum, Jannala tharanthu vedikkaa
paakka mudiyaathu

Beckham, as a punishment for posting in Tamil, you have got to translate this for us, poor non-Tamilians.
Umm.....QUICK!

From: Alan on Thu Jan 12 2:06:48 2006.

[Full View]

Arthi wrote:

Anna this is my share

Ulagam theriyaama valandhaa avan vheguly Cricket theriyaama valandhaa avan Ganguly....

Aambalaikku adi pattaa Ambulance varum, aanaa Pombalaikku adi pattaa Pombalance varumaaa ???????

Forward pannii Tension aakkaa mudiyum, aanaa Tension panni Forward aakkaa mudiyumaaa ?????

arisi kotina vaera arisi vangalam
pal kotina vaera p al vangalam aaana
thael kotina vaera thael vanga mudiyadhu….

Vaayala "naai" nu Solla mudiyum aaana...
Naayaala "Vaai" nu solla mudiyuma ???

Paalil irunthu paalkova panalam aaana………….

Rasathil irundhu rasagulla pana mudiuma…??

Railway station la police station irukkum aaana

Police station la railway station irukkathu ….

Meen "thanni"la irukkarathu naala..
Arrest panna mudiyumaa?

Enna dhan meenukku neendha terinchalum
Adhala Meen kulambula neendha mudiyathu.

Quarter Adichittu Kuppura padukkalaam!
Aana kupura paduthuttu quarter adikka mudiyathu…!!

Naai Vaalai Aattalaam!
Aana Vaal Naaya aatta mudiyathu!!

Trainkku ticket vaangi platformla ukkaaralaam!
Aana platformku ticket vangi trainla ukkara mudiyathu!!

Kaakka ennadhaan karuppa irundhaalum adhu podara muttai vellai!
Muttai ennadhaan vellaiya irundhaalum adhukulla irukka kaakka karuppudhaan!!

Nee evalo periya dancer aa irundhaalum
Un saavukku unnaala aada mudiyuma???

Arthi, translation, please!

From: nms on Thu Jan 12 7:47:48 2006. [Full View]

Arthi pls translate this too to Alan..

passport size photovai passportla vottalaam aanaa....
stamp size photovai stampla votta mudiyumaa?

ok i will try translating:
u can paste passport size photo in passport but ..
can u paste stamp size photo on a stamp?
From: Alan on Thu Jan 12 8:04:07 2006. [Full View]

hmmmm........???
*scratches head*
Can you explain why you drag passports & visas into this, nms?
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Jan 12 8:52:31 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

hmmmm........???
*scratches head*
Can you explain why you drag passports & visas into this, nms?

Alan stay cool! These things looks good only in Tamil

But for something i can tell u...

Saturday to Sunday-> one day!
But Sunday to Saturday ->??!!!!!!!!!

If we ride in Cycle then it is cycling
So if u ride a train then it is Training?

I think it is more than enough.. Please dont bang u're head!
From: nms on Thu Jan 12 8:54:40 2006. [Full View]

Alan better ignore these ...
dont scratch your head too much
From: Lambretta on Thu Jan 12 9:04:11 2006. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

If we ride in Cycle then it is cycling
So if u ride a train then it is Training?

Becks, pardon the interruption- but its actually ride on Cycle, even in Tamil we say Cycel mellai vardhu, not Cycle le vardhu...illeya?
Or to maintain parallelism u cud say if we go by Cycle...go by train......?
No offence at my pointing this out I hope! 'used to doing it w/ my students!
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Jan 12 9:34:47 2006. [Full View]

Then we can also point out......

we cant RIDE a train. we can only travel

poor beckham )

***************
alan,

I shall try translating things WHICH DOES NOT CALL FOR 100 tamizh knowledge.

**************

ONE can buy train ticket and sit on a platform
but...
he cnat buy platform ticket and sit on a train!!!!!!

**
Even though the crow is black... its egg is white
even though the egg is white...its content is CROW (which is black)

**
Even if we play lakhs and lakhs for a plane ticket
we cant be free to open a window in the plane!!!

**
Mechanical engineer can become a mechanic
but..
can a software engineer become a software?

**

if a mosquito bites...... u can light tortoise (famous mosquito extinguisher brand)
but.............
if a tortoise bitess... can u light mosquito???????

**

Tea cup has tea in it..
but..
does a world cup have world in it?

**

They are all suppose to be called KADI-JOKES in tamizhnadu... known for its funny punch dialgoues which makes ppl laugh (sometimes cry )
From: malsi on Thu Jan 12 10:08:09 2006. [Full View]

hahahahaha
From: Lambretta on Thu Jan 12 10:18:27 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Then we can also point out......

we cant RIDE a train. we can only travel

Oh yeaaaa......missed tat point! Tks for pointing it out!!

Quote:

Mechanical engineer can become a mechanic
but..
can a software engineer become a software?

Cud u permit me to add my own 2 cents here- Mechanical Engr. can become mechanical (ie. in his way of working) but can a software engr. become soft?

Quote:

Tea cup has tea in it..but..does a world cup have world in it?

Or does football cup hav a football in it?

Quote:

They are all suppose to be called KADI-JOKES in tamizhnadu... known for its funny punch dialgoues which makes ppl laugh (sometimes cry )

Um...jus out of curiosity....my mum once told me abt this Tamil guy (forgot his name!) who was known to make fun of English......like, he wud say "if B-U-T is butt, y is P-U-T put & not putt (hard to express the pronounciations here! but I'm sure u know wat I mean! ).......r these Kadi jokes by him, watever his name was...?
From: ssanjinika on Thu Jan 12 10:56:13 2006. [Full View]

Hmm...
Actually if I may point out...a person does ride a train (popular usage?!!)

Note that when we are passengers rather than drivers, we ride in cars and trains, but we tend to ride on buses.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/learnitv72.shtml
check out the drive or ride link .

Sorry if im being spoil sport .
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Jan 12 11:04:05 2006. [Full View]

Disgusting Embarrassing

Sorry for my mistake.I scored 92% in English during my +2 ... Thank God paper thiruthunavan idha paakala .
Anyways i dont have time to type in proper english.To be fair i wont even read my post before clicking the Submit button! Hope my english is not too horrible.If it is too horrible..Pardon me, this is Sridhar..

From: Lambretta on Thu Jan 12 11:20:06 2006.

[Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Disgusting Embarrassing Sad

Sorry for my mistake.I scored 92% in English during my +2 ... Thank God paper thiruthunavan idha paakala Twisted Evil

.
Anyways i dont have time to type in proper english.To be fair i wont even read my post before clicking the Submit button! Hope my english is not too horrible.If it is too horrible..Pardon me, this is Sridhar..

Ayyo sami.....chill macha! No offence, we didn't mean to hav a go at u or nething! Dil pe eduthukadhe, Peace!

From: Alan on Thu Jan 12 12:00:17 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Then we can also point out......

Thanks a lot for your effort, Shakthi mam.
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Jan 12 13:41:25 2006. [Full View]

Beckham. sorry bout it. .
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Jan 12 13:44:22 2006. [Full View]

Ada vittu thallunga
From: Querida on Thu Jan 12 21:56:07 2006. [Full View]

Sure Alan...sometimes making fun of the other species...is just TOO easy!

****************************************************
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"

2. "You Were an Accident"

3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"

5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

9. "All Dogs Go to Hell"

10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

15. "Bi-Curious George"

16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

17. "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

18. "You Are Different and That's Bad"

19. "Dad's New Wife Timothy"

20. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

21. "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets"

22. "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

23. "Attack of the Babysitter"

24. "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

25. "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

26. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

27. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

28. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

29. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

30. "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

31. "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

32. "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
From: Alan on Thu Jan 12 22:46:24 2006. [Full View]

LOL! Nice ones there, Querida!
From: hi on Thu Jan 12 23:11:30 2006. [Full View]

Our hero chatting with some heroine on chat.

Both are s/w engrs by the way and both work for real big MNC.

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Heroine: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you On Chat

Heroine: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back) I'll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number,
Given value of n.

Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] (Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for heroin to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Heroine : Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things,tries to give me stupid work

Heroine: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Heroine: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Heroine: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number,given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.ok?

Heroine: THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE.

YOU KNOW WHO I AM NOW!!
From: hi on Thu Jan 12 23:16:49 2006. [Full View]

Math is magic

Think of a number (BETWEEN 3 and 999).

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5 to the result.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add 7.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes .

Dark , isn't it?
From: NOV on Thu Jan 12 23:26:02 2006. [Full View]

Hi, the hero/heroine episode is from Ferrari (TFMpage poster)'s blog. Please provide link, if you took it from there.

go here for more: http://prabhukrish.net/
From: hi on Thu Jan 12 23:27:49 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

Hi, the hero/heroine episode is from Ferrari (TFMpage poster)'s blog. Please provide link, if you took it from there.

go here for more: http://prabhukrish.net/

I got it from Fwd msg NOv...
From: nms on Sat Jan 14 9:00:43 2006. [Full View]

hi 'hi'
it was really dark...
From: Lambretta on Sun Jan 15 1:34:51 2006. [Full View]

All about Heights.......

1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti/Lungi with a zip

***********************************************************

2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering blank visiting cards.

***********************************************************

3. What is height of Active laziness?

Asking for a lift to the house while on a morning walk.

***********************************************************

4. What is height of Laziness?

Going off to sleep without turning off the light.

***********************************************************

5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

***********************************************************

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing yourself in the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw "him/her" last.

***********************************************************

7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

***********************************************************

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

***********************************************************
9. What is height of desperation?

A dwarf trying to commit suicide by jumping from the footpath on the road.

***********************************************************

10. What is height of Dehydration?

A cow giving milk powder.

From: nms on Sun Jan 15 10:19:41 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

All about Heights.......

3. What is height of Active laziness?

Asking for a lift to the house while on a morning walk.

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

10. What is height of Dehydration?

A cow giving milk powder.

From: Alan on Sun Jan 15 12:23:54 2006. [Full View]

Great ones, Lamby!
From: Lambretta on Sun Jan 15 12:55:56 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Great ones, Lamby!

Tks Paaji!
Hope to come up w/ more tat r as good.....! Jus don't bother asking me where I find them!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Jan 16 4:41:50 2006. [Full View]

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!
From: Alan on Mon Jan 16 5:00:41 2006. [Full View]

LOL!
Sad, though!
From: Alan on Thu Jan 19 23:45:48 2006. [Full View]

Corporate Lesson 1 :
>> > >
>> > >A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
>>up her
>> > >shower, when the doorbell rings.
>> > >
>> > >The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
>> > >
>> > >When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
>>neighbour.
>> > >Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
>>that
>> > >towel,"
>> > >
>> > >After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
>>stands naked
>> > >in front of Bob.
>> > >
>> > >After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
>> > >The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>> > >
>> > >When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was
>>that?"
>> > >
>> > >"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
>> > >
>> > >"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800
>>he owes
>> > >me?"
>> > >
>> > >Moral of the story: If you share critical information
>>pertaining to
>> > >credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
>>position
>> > >to prevent avoidable exposure.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >Corporate Lesson 2:
>> > >
>> > >A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
>> > >
>> > >She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
>>leg.
>> > >
>> > >The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
>>he
>> > >stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>> > >
>> > >The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>> > >
>> > >The priest removed his hand.
>> > >But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
>> > >
>> > >The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>> > >
>> > >The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
>> > >
>> > >Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
>> > >
>> > >On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
>>Psalm 129.
>> > >
>> > >It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>> > >
>> > >Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,
>>you might
>> > >miss a great opportunity.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >Corporate Lesson 3:
>> > >
>> > >A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
>>walking to
>> > >lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
>> > >
>> > >They rub it and a Genie comes out.
>> > >
>> > >The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>> > >
>> > >"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
>> > >
>> > >"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a
>>care in the
>> > >world." Poof! She's gone.
>> > >
>> > >"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
>>Hawaii,
>> > >relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
>>supply of
>> > >Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
>> > >
>> > >"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>> > >
>> > >The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
>>lunch."
>> > >
>> > >Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >Corporate Lesson 4:
>> > >
>> > >A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
>> > >
>> > >A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all
>>day
>> > >long?"
>> > >
>> > >The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
>> > >
>> > >So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
>> > >
>> > >A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>> > >
>> > >Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
>>be sitting
>> > >very high up.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >Corporate Lesson 5:
>> > >
>> > >A turkey was chatting with a bull.
>> > >
>> > >"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,"
>>sighed the
>> > >turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
>> > >
>> > >"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
>>"They're
>> > >packed with nutrients."
>> > >
>> > >The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him
>>enough
>> > >strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>> > >
>> > > The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
>>second
>> > > branch.
>> > >
>> > > Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly
>>perched at the
>>top
>> > > of
>> > > the tree.
>> > >
>> > > Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
>>of the
>>tree.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
>>but it won't
>> > > keep
>> > > you there .
>> > >
>> > >
From: hi on Fri Jan 20 3:12:47 2006. [Full View]

New style of writing a love letter :

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much ,I dare to say that You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and BOSCH (Invented for life) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI(Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh ) feeling for me.

I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).

If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers)

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other) . Now that HYUNDAI(we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life) , SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy ) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me. Ok bye!

I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).

LG (Digitally Yours)
From: Alan on Fri Jan 20 4:06:50 2006. [Full View]

I've seen this one before yet its a laughable read, hi!
From: Lambretta on Fri Jan 20 8:48:51 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

I've seen this one before yet its a laughable read, hi!

Yea, and also a satirical real-life example of how ppl. becoem slaves of excessive consumerism!
From: Alan on Fri Jan 20 11:42:19 2006. [Full View]

THE STORY OF A SMART LADY...................*

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one
morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of
the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she
wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her
how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000
that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at
the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the
amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to
come back at 10o'clock tomorrow morning
with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before
that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his is head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Jan 21 10:35:28 2006. [Full View]
From: great on Sat Jan 21 10:53:06 2006. [Full View]

IS your HR like this??????????

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
From: great on Sat Jan 21 11:16:11 2006. [Full View]

Fan-ukkum rekkai irukku. Paravai-kkum rekkai irukku. Fan-ala parakka mudiyaathu. Paravai-ala sutha mudiyaathu. Aaanaa... Fan-a amukina suthum. Paravai-a amukina kathum... )

tool box la tool la parka mudiyum... match box la match a parka mudiyuma!!!

Irukkurappa enna daan complan, bournvita kudichalum sethadukkapram ellarukkum pal daan�

South India-la Narthangai kidaikkum. Aaana, North India-la Southangai kidaikuma?! (killer)

pache molagale pache irukkum aana kodemolagale kode irukkuma

lunch bagla lunch eduthuttu pogalam... aana school bagla school eduthuttu poga mudiyathu..

nee evlo periya paruppa irunthalum, unga veettu samayalukku paruppu kadaila than vanganum....

meluga vachchu melugu vathi seyyalam... aana kosuva vachi kosu vathi seyya mudiyathu....

kovil maniya namma adicha saththam varum... aana kovil mani nammala adicha raththam than varum....
From: Lambretta on Sat Jan 21 11:17:16 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Same here!
From: Alan on Sun Jan 22 0:50:17 2006. [Full View]

strangely interesting

> SIXTH SENSE
>
> A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
> listened to
> her
> prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God
> bless
> grandma and good-bye grandpa."
> The father
> asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
> The little girl said, "I
> don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
> The next day
> grandpa died.
> The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
> A few months
> later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which
> went
> like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
> The
> next day the grandmother died.
> Oh my god, thought the father, this kid
> is in contact with the other side.
> Several weeks later when
> the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy
> and good-bye daddy."
> He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep
> all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He
> was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He
> figured if he could get by until midnight he would be
> okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
> end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and
> jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived,
> he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
> ! When he got home his wife
> said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said
> "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my
> life."
> She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never
> believe what happened to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead
>
> on our porch.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Jan 23 10:27:41 2006. [Full View]

1. SSLC + HSC + BE = UNEMPLOYMENT

2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com

3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan

5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park

6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
ownproduction company = Kajol

8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials

9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt

15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

16. 1 engagement + 2 weddings + 3 wedding songs + 400 relatives + 1 house
bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya film
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Jan 23 12:31:17 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896

Quote:

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan

Quote:

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
ownproduction company = Kajol

Quote:

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

Quote:

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

Quote:

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

Quote:

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

Quote:

16. 1 engagement + 2 weddings + 3 wedding songs + 400 relatives + 1 house
bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya film
From: RC on Mon Jan 23 14:13:07 2006. [Full View]

Becks: Shahrukh Khan pathi onnum illaye..
From: Surya on Mon Jan 23 21:35:26 2006. [Full View]

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!?!"
From: Surya on Mon Jan 23 21:40:47 2006. [Full View]

ONLY IN AMERICA:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
From: dev on Mon Jan 23 21:50:47 2006. [Full View]
From: Alan on Tue Jan 24 5:13:27 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Quote:

3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896.....

These are the best! Great going Beckham!
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 2:58:49 2006. [Full View]

an old one, but interesting nevertheless

Tamil Love Letter

"Dear VALLI"

You must be suprised to receive this PUTHU KAVITHAI. I am your secret KATHALAN and my name is ARUNACHALUM. Though I am PADIKHATHAVAN.

I am also your KAVALAN and you are my IDHAYA THAMARAI. Wouldn't you like to be my parents MARUMAGAL and make me the BAASHA of your life.

I'm AYIRATHIL ORUVAN and I'll take you from MADRAS TO PAANDICHEERI.

You look like PUTHU VASANTHAM most of the time but resemble BATRAKALI from some angles.

ULLATHAI ALLI THA, I am THIRUDA THIRUDA so don't say IDHAYATHAI THIRYDATHE to me.

Lets paint this KATHAL OVIYAM together. I'll give you my IDHAYAM as KATHAL PARISU.

Your father is PANAKARAN and I'm MAADI VEETHU ELZHAI and he doesn't treat me as MANITHAN.

I have all the PURUSHA LAKSHANAM. As a GENTLEMAN who has a IDHAYAM, ask him to be careful becoz I can be a MURATTU KAALAI when provoked.

I'll tie the MOONDRU MUDHICHI around you and then you can tie me in your MUNDHANAI MUDHICHI.

We'll get married on SUBHA MUHURTHAM and enjoy the SHANTHI MUHURTHAM and create a MAZHALAI PATTHALAM or a KANMANI POONGA.

For the NOORAVATHU NAAL ceremony I'll buy you a METTI. I'll promise that I would not be KAAVALAN AVAN KOVALAN who has a CHINNA VEEDU.

We can tell our grand children the AARIL IRUNTHU ARUVATHU VARAI story of our VAAZHKAI.

UN RAJA
ARUNACHALUM
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:00:34 2006. [Full View]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his
boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,
DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:01:31 2006. [Full View]

SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"

MAN: "It's 3:15."

SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing,
I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a
different answer."
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:03:12 2006. [Full View]

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a
school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks, "What part did you get?"

The boy replied "I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him. And then said "That's good son,
maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:04:20 2006. [Full View]

Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany
called?

Student: Germs?
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:07:37 2006. [Full View]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their
passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four
characters."
From: Lambretta on Wed Jan 25 3:07:50 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

Teacher:................now What r the people of Germany
called?
Student: Germs?

This happens to remind me of one time in school when I'd taken a pen tat was made in Germany & one boy in my class teased me; went on telling me "Hey Germ-many, ur body has many germs"......
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:09:13 2006. [Full View]

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the
father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by
everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the
lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in
my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mom!"
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:27:35 2006. [Full View]

Teacher asks children, what do u wish to do in future?

Ahmad : I want to be a pilot.

James : I want to be a doctor.

Deepa: I want to be a good mother.

Anand : I want to help Deepa
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:29:27 2006. [Full View]

A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"

He replies: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom."
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 3:32:00 2006. [Full View]

Seeing everyone with mobile phones, a country man decided to buy one wach for his wife and him. One day, while out farming, he received a SMS from his wife, saying she was pregnant.

He sent her a reply. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he promptly fainted. The report said, "DELIVERED".
From: hi on Wed Jan 25 5:08:48 2006. [Full View]

Nice Slogans

#Sign on a railway station:
Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.

#Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

#Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative:
More the success, more the relatives.

#Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
we need your heads to run our business.

#A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old
enough - or else they never will be.....

#Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been
personally passed by the manager.

THE BEST ONE :
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist
organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc.
Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting
between them and God."
- Indian Armed Forces
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Jan 25 6:15:54 2006. [Full View]

This is a conversation that took place between a person in the public
(Y) and a marketing guy(X)

X: Which shaving cream do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which aftershave do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which deodorant do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which toothpaste do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which shampoo do you use?
Y: Baba's

X: Which socks do you use?
Y: Baba's

X (Frustrated): Okay, tell me, What is this Baba? Is it an
international
company???
..
..
Y: No, He is my roommate

Cheers to all the bachelors of the world!!!!
From: Lambretta on Wed Jan 25 6:19:02 2006. [Full View]

Becks,
Super machi!!!
From: ts on Wed Jan 25 11:26:54 2006. [Full View]

Some actual adverts seen on news papers

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanted. Alibi for the night of 12-01-2006 between 11:30 and 3 am
call 0207....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holiday Photos: Sun, Ski or City breaks. Ideal for anectode
or alibi. Call 0161......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
King SIze Rubber Sheets for Sale. Black. Clean �45 0207....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanted 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for an elaborate practical joke
Can you help? Call 0171....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get Rich Quick. Earn ��. Simply set up a premium rate phone line.
Call 0900 728 112 for details.

(0900 numbers are premium numbers and cost up to �2 a minute)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nemesis wanted. I am into Kayaking, Books and conversation. Seeking
arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed meglomaniac. call.......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Small minority wanted to spoil it for the rest of us. There is always
one - Is it you ? call......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lose Weight Fast.
Fed up with dieting and exercise? Fed up with filthily tasting
low-cal food ? Incredible results guranteed. Try Amoebic Dysentry.
�20 per vial. Simply add to sea food. Call....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am you grammer letting we down? Private English Tuition available
call.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speech Impediment ? There's a new support group in the west of London.
Call D-DD-D-D-DDD-Dave on 0208.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Money Worries ... Work from Home... Earn ��
You dont even have to get out of bed.

To Find out more call "pimp" jimmy on 0208.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: NOV on Wed Jan 25 23:01:51 2006. [Full View]

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for yourbirthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.

-------------------------
Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

-------------------------
Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend, Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

-------------------------

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

-------------------------

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please!

Thank you, Bobby

-------------------------

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around
to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I've kidnapped your mama. If you ever want to see her again, send me the bike !!

Bobby
From: dev on Wed Jan 25 23:12:59 2006. [Full View]
From: NOV on Thu Jan 26 0:21:17 2006. [Full View]

6 weeks....6 months....6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose ?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK ! !
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today ??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good !
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight ?
6 years : AGAIN ! ! ! !

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said ??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again ???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me ?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound ??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane ?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home ???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight ?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
From: NOV on Thu Jan 26 0:34:14 2006. [Full View]

NUTRITION FACTS

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attack than the
Aussies, British or Americans.

Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attack than the
Aussies, British or Americans.

African drinks very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attack than
the Aussies, British or Americans.

Italian drink large amount of red wine and suffer fewer heart attack
than the Aussies, British or Americans.

Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attack than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
From: dev on Thu Jan 26 0:39:09 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

From: Alan on Thu Jan 26 1:21:08 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Seeing everyone with mobile phones, a country man decided to buy one wach for his wife and him. One day, while out farming, he received a SMS from his wife, saying she was pregnant.

He sent her a reply. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he promptly fainted. The report said, "DELIVERED".

LOL!!!!!!!!!

From: Alan on Thu Jan 26 1:31:31 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

NOV wrote:

Teacher:................now What r the people of Germany
called?
Student: Germs?

This happens to remind me of one time in school when I'd taken a pen tat was made in Germany & one boy in my class teased me; went on telling me "Hey Germ-many, ur body has many germs"...... Twisted Evil

From: pooja.shankar on Thu Jan 26 6:07:25 2006. [Full View]

another joke ..

I WAS SITTIGN IN A TEMPLE NEXT TO A GUY AND SUDDENLY IN THE MIDDLE OF A PRAYER HE LIT A CIGARETTE ..I WAS SOO SHOCKED I NEARLY DROPPED MY BEER ....
From: Alan on Thu Jan 26 12:26:13 2006. [Full View]

LOL!!!
From: dev on Thu Jan 26 21:18:45 2006. [Full View]

" Thanni kulla kappal pona jolly, aanal kappal kulla
thanni ponal nee gaali "

" Panam varum pogum, pathavi varum pogum, kavalai
varum pogum, kaathal varum pogum aanal AIDS varum
pogathu."

'Hand wash'nna kai kazhuvaradhu,
'Face wash'nna mugam kazhuvaradhu,
Appa 'brain wash' nna,, braina kazhuvaradhaa??

Vaazha maram thaar podum!
Aana adha vachi road poda mudiyuma??
From: hi on Thu Jan 26 22:05:59 2006. [Full View]

Dodging God

The children were lined up in a cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table, there was a large pile of apples.

A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: 'Take only one. God is watching.'

Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note: 'Take all you want; God is watching the apples.'
From: pooja.shankar on Sun Jan 29 0:33:00 2006. [Full View]

ENGLISH KNOWLEDGE.......

a person actually wrote this in his leave letter,,,

as i am marrying my daughter please grant me one weeks leave

another person wrote :

as i am going to sell my house along with my wife in my village please grant me one weeks leave

another person : as my husband is sick and he is my only husband in the house i have to stay back to nurse. him ..please grant me leave ....
From: Alan on Mon Jan 30 0:11:30 2006. [Full View]

hi wrote:

Dodging God
....A child had written a note: 'Take all you want; God is watching the apples.'

lol!

From: Alan on Mon Jan 30 0:12:06 2006.

[Full View]

pooja.shankar wrote:

ENGLISH KNOWLEDGE.......

.....another person : as my husband is sick and he is my only husband in the house i have to stay back to nurse. him ..please grant me leave ....

good one, pooja!

From: NOV on Sat Feb 4 22:56:49 2006. [Full View]

An Englishman went next door to welcome his new Indian neighbour.

He was shocked to see the man from India in his backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom", he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man
urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom" , he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on to do his own stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against the cow's big fat butt. He became really angry and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry Sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs", he yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry Sir, I think you have mistaken me. These are actually English customs. I was told, to be English, I have to chase chicks, get piss drunk and listen to
bullshit .....!"

From: Alan on Sun Feb 5 4:31:10 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their
passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four
characters."

awwwwwwwww! that's really cute!

From: Shakthiprabha on Sun Feb 5 6:39:17 2006. [Full View]

anjali, pooja, dev

good ones

nov,
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Feb 6 3:07:33 2006. [Full View]

Airtel mobile vechirunthalum illa
Aircel mobile vechirunthalum
Naama thumbumbodhu

HUTCH than satham varum!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Feb 6 3:46:48 2006. [Full View]

Drinker's matrimonial AD

Hi! Need one gal 2 marry...
Age no bar

Color no bar

height no bar

caste no bar

but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 6 4:31:52 2006. [Full View]

First one is good

Hutch!!!!!!!!
From: terminator on Mon Feb 6 8:31:31 2006. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Drinker's matrimonial AD

Hi! Need one gal 2 marry...
Age no bar

Color no bar

height no bar

caste no bar

but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS

Maapillai paeru Napoleana illai John Eckshawa?
From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 6 9:18:57 2006. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Drinker's matrimonial AD

Hi! Need one gal 2 marry...
Age no bar

Color no bar

height no bar

caste no bar

but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS

Summa nacchin-u iruku!

From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 6 9:21:13 2006.

[Full View]

terminator wrote:

Beckham wrote:

Drinker's matrimonial AD

Hi! Need one gal 2 marry...
Age no bar

Color no bar

height no bar

caste no bar

but gal's father must have his own bar... CHEERS

Maapillai paeru Napoleana illai John Eckshawa? ROTFL

Pearu patthi theriyathu ana kandipa Bagpiper-aa vaele senjindrupaan!

From: Querida on Tue Feb 7 15:32:00 2006. [Full View]

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 8 3:03:24 2006. [Full View]

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.

THE END
From: NOV on Wed Feb 8 3:04:53 2006. [Full View]

Friendship Between Women

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 8 3:08:04 2006. [Full View]

The Joys of Womanhood
by a Brilliant Woman Author Unknown

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
"You know,sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 8 3:10:13 2006. [Full View]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!

"IMPOSSIBLE!!" shouted the groom broom, "we haven't even swept together!"
From: pavalamani pragasam on Wed Feb 8 3:11:57 2006. [Full View]

Do you have trouble understanding politics?

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows. Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.

Capitalism: You sell one cow and buy a bull.

Fascism: You have two cows. Give milk to the government. The government sells it.

Nazism: The government shoots you and takes the cows.

New Dualism: The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.

Anarchism: Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.

Conservatism: Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.

Liberalism: Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 8 3:17:21 2006. [Full View]

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.

He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies

With waning strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand hard with a spatula causing him to release the cookie.

"Why?" whispered the dying man. "Why did you do that"?

"They're for the funeral," she replied.
From: pavalamani pragasam on Wed Feb 8 3:20:00 2006. [Full View]

Read this joke somewhere!
From: NOV on Wed Feb 8 3:32:03 2006. [Full View]

pavalamani pragasam wrote:

Read this joke somewhere!
I sure didnt write my experience PP madam.

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress.
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Feb 8 4:20:47 2006. [Full View]
From: Hyderabadi on Wed Feb 8 6:10:12 2006. [Full View]

> Mr.Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck:
> "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a
> baby!
> The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't
> tell anybody."
> The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
> Electric
> Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
> "Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?"
> "Yes...... speaking"
> AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
> "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
> "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
> "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" >
> " Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
> " GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
> "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you
are
> overdue"
> "I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.
> ... he will speak to your company tomorrow "
> That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,
> rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
> "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
> What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
> "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing
> serious. All you have to do is pay us."
> "PAY you? and if I refuse?" > > >
> "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
> "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
> "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Feb 8 6:22:04 2006. [Full View]

Ive read this before. Even then I cant help a smile.
From: Akash on Wed Feb 8 6:38:18 2006. [Full View]

Funny!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=JjvzQm4bJ8s&search=deepavali
From: Alan on Wed Feb 8 6:47:55 2006. [Full View]

LOL! Nice one, Hyderabadi!
From: Akash on Wed Feb 8 6:48:39 2006. [Full View]

Inzy.ul.q...still don't know the rules....Obstructing the Field !

http://media.putfile.com/Obstructive-Inzy
Don't miss Aloo's "EXPERT" comments at the end.
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Feb 8 8:14:32 2006. [Full View]

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

*********

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.

******
From: Alan on Wed Feb 8 8:57:39 2006. [Full View]

lol! nice, shakthimam!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Feb 9 3:21:50 2006. [Full View]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Feb 9 3:25:36 2006. [Full View]

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East
assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was
very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually
unknown there. But, I had a problem -- I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our
man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over
the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well,not only did I not speak Arabic, I also
didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Feb 9 3:27:04 2006. [Full View]

Once upon a time there was a war on the Indo-Pak Border between none other
than Indian software professionals and the Paki
army....

Towards the end of the war only one Indian soldier remained....
He had two bullets in his gun...
But three Paki soldiers confronted him from their hideouts...
He shouted, "Hey look... Aiswarya Rai..." towards the direction of one
soldier...
That one comes out of hiding saying, "Where, where...".... bang and he gets
shot by our brave warrior.
He then shouts, "Hey look.... Manisha Koirala..." ...towards another
soldier...
He too comes out, "Where, where...." ... Bang.... and he is also bites the
dust...
Now the problem is what to do with the third Pakistani..... No more bullets
left...
The Country is at stake....
How will our warrior save the nation......

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Scroll down for the answer.....
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think yaar..........
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HE screams at the top of his voice....... "Software Professional
Girl......."
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.
.And the Pakistani soldier shoots himself......
.
..
.

Moral of the Story.... "Better to commit suicide than see a Software
Professional Girl...." Exceptions over ruled

P.S: The originator of the joke is undisclosed.... coz of danger to his
life
From: Alan on Thu Feb 9 4:02:40 2006. [Full View]

How did Navjot Sidhu describe Mandira Bedi?
>
> No cover, No extra cover, two silly points, two fine legs, little bit of
> grass on the pitch, May give a turn at later stage. But overall a a very
> good pitch for playing a long innings.
From: Alan on Thu Feb 9 4:09:11 2006. [Full View]

One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then
he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got
worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked. "My wife and I got into a
fight,"
explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days.? He
took
another drink, and said, ?And tonight is the last night."
------------
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
From: Alan on Thu Feb 9 4:14:51 2006. [Full View]

Subject: Hindi movies ... & their mind boggling logic !!!
>
>
> Pyar To Hona Hi Tha
> Kajol gets off the train to use the public toilet at the railway station
and
> the train chugs off without her. Poor girl, little did she know that every
> train compartment has four toilets inside.
>
> Rangeela
> Aamir Khan tells his friend that he will take Urmila Matondkar for a
chinese
> meal. Strangely when they are
> in restaurant, Aamir Khan orders usal pulav etc. What's happened to the
> wish for noodles ?
>
> Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi
> Akshay Kumar boards a Jet Airways flight to America. Jet Airways does not
> fly abroad.
>
> Raja Hindustani
> Navneet Nishan has short hair before marriage. But after tying the knot,
> overnight she acquires waist-length hair. What a hair raising experience
!!
>
> Raja
> Dilip Tahil empties a can of petrol over Madhuri. Minutes later, Sanjay
> Kapoor takes the same can and
> pours it over Dilip Tahil. Who filled the can?
>
> Guddu
> Manisha & Shahrukh are seen hanging from a parachute during a song. But
when
> the song ends, they land down on the glider. What a switch above sea level
> !!!
>
> Tere Mere Sapne
> Priya Gill is doing her B.A. But at the bus stop, she is carrying her
> electrical technology by .L.Theraja.
> What an electrifying change of discipline !!!
>
>
>
>
From: Lambretta on Thu Feb 9 6:00:32 2006. [Full View]

Hmm.....nice list of filmi bloopers, Alan!
This trend has been going on right from yesteryears' films.....
May I add a couple more I jus rem'd:
I recently saw the movie "Doli" (1969), in which Rajesh Khanna initially drives an old '50s Lambretta, which is metallic navy blue (looks like this:
http://www.lambretta.it/foto/lam150_57.jpg

But in another scene, followed by a song, he happens to be riding a '60s one (similar to the one in my avtaar but green in colour!)
And again in the last scene where Rajesh chases the villain (Prem Chopra), he's back on his older navy blue lambretta!
So the qsn. is: did he happen to own 2 scooters in the movie?
And then if u notice in Golmaal:
At the end of the movie, Amol Palekar escapes w/ Bindiya Goswami from her angry father (Utpal Dutt) by driving away in a blue Herald car......Utpal chases them in an Ambasador.......the Herald initially appears to hav both the tail-lights missing! However, after the chase scenes, when the same car is shown again, it has both the tail-lights intact (altho broken)!
Qsn: Who cud've managed to climb (or jump) onto the car while it was running throughout the chase & fitted the tail-lamps on?
Or did they jus appear magically; was the car an enchanted one as in Harry Potter?
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Feb 9 23:20:59 2006. [Full View]

javascript:function flood(n) {if (self.moveBy) {for (i = 35; i > 0; i--) {for (j = n; j > 0; j--) {self.moveBy(1,i);self.moveBy(i,0);self.moveBy(0,-i);self.moveBy(-i,0); } } }} flood(6);

COPY to IE adress Bar and press enter
From: Surya on Thu Feb 9 23:28:03 2006. [Full View]

NOV...Don't ban me for this joke alright? It's really not that bad...

I'm sitting in Psych the other day, and this fat kid called Spencer claims that he knows a good joke that he read.... here goes...(Clears Throte *How the hell do u spell that? *)

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

It depends on how hard u throw the fetuses....

What's the differnce between a duffle bag full of bowling balls, and a duffle bag full of dead babies?

U can't pick the one with bowling balls up with a pitch fork...

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Corvette?

I don't have a Corvette in my Garage!

I was scarred for life!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Fri Feb 10 1:11:02 2006. [Full View]

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any
man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely
good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!
From: Shekhar on Fri Feb 10 6:47:54 2006. [Full View]

Great joke Beckam.

But Surya's "joke" made me sick.
From: Alan on Fri Feb 10 12:08:22 2006. [Full View]

Great ones, Beckham!

From: Alan on Fri Feb 10 12:10:09 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Hmm.....nice list of filmi bloopers, Alan! Smile

This trend has been going on right from yesteryears' films.....
May I add a couple more I jus rem'd:
I recently saw the movie "Doli" (1969), in which Rajesh Khanna initially drives an old '50s Lambretta, which is metallic navy blue (looks like this:
http://www.lambretta.it/foto/lam150_57.jpg

But in another scene, followed by a song, he happens to be riding a '60s one (similar to the one in my avtaar but green in colour!)
And again in the last scene where Rajesh chases the villain (Prem Chopra), he's back on his older navy blue lambretta!
So the qsn. is: did he happen to own 2 scooters in the movie? Confused

And then if u notice in Golmaal:
At the end of the movie, Amol Palekar escapes w/ Bindiya Goswami from her angry father (Utpal Dutt) by driving away in a blue Herald car......Utpal chases them in an Ambasador.......the Herald initially appears to hav both the tail-lights missing! However, after the chase scenes, when the same car is shown again, it has both the tail-lights intact (altho broken)! Shocked

Qsn: Who cud've managed to climb (or jump) onto the car while it was running throughout the chase & fitted the tail-lamps on? Huh?!

Or did they jus appear magically; was the car an enchanted one as in Harry Potter? Rolling Eyes

Lol! Did you notice these because they were 60's & 70's movies? Lol!

From: Lambretta on Fri Feb 10 13:19:50 2006.

[Full View]

Surya wrote:

NOV...Don't ban me for this joke alright? It's really not that bad...
I'm sitting in Psych the other day, and this fat kid called Spencer claims that he knows a good joke that he read.... here goes...(Clears Throte *How the hell do u spell that? Confused

Uggh....machi!

did this kid spencer see too many Alfred Hitchcock movies??

From: Lambretta on Fri Feb 10 13:21:33 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Lol! Did you notice these because they were 60's & 70's movies? Lol!

Well, I watched the movies bcos they were 60s & 70s movies!
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Feb 11 14:20:52 2006. [Full View]

nice ones beckham and alan !
From: NOV on Sun Feb 12 22:30:40 2006. [Full View]

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
********

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
********

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
********

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
********

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
********

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
********

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
********

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
********

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
********

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
********

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
********

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
********

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
From: NOV on Sun Feb 12 22:31:41 2006. [Full View]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
From: dev on Sun Feb 12 22:40:57 2006. [Full View]

Q&As are good,Nov...
From: Alan on Mon Feb 13 0:17:19 2006. [Full View]

The Qs & As are really great!
From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 13 2:44:13 2006. [Full View]

Yea but I find the 4-letter words even funnier!
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 13 2:54:52 2006. [Full View]

QA was good
4 letter words IVe read before
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 13 4:19:46 2006. [Full View]

Hey Krishna!!!

Tu is kalyug mei aa kar to dikha?

Tune 18 saal ki umar me Mama Kans ko mara, Bin Laden ko hath laga kar to dikha?

Tune bhari mehfil me draupadi ko saree pehnai, Mallika ko ek jodi kapde pehna ke to dikha?

Tune gokul ki 1600 gopia saath me patai, Meri Company ki ek ladki pata kar to dikha?

Tune Arjun ko to Saari Geeta sunayee, Mere Team Leader se baat kar ke to Dikha?

Tune to Arjun ka Sarathi banke Pandavon ko jitaaya India Cricket team ka Coach ban ke WorldCup jitaake to dikha?

Hey Krishna!!! Tu is kalyug mei aa kar to dikha?

Jai Shri Krishna.
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 13 4:20:49 2006. [Full View]

A DIFFERENT PROPOSAL
******************************************

I feel like cursing you, for all the sleepless nights that you have given me,....

"you'll have a son, who will go mad behind my daughter, just like the way I am mad for you"

....but then......why trouble those innocent ones....come lets make them brothers and sisters!

**********
From: dev on Mon Feb 13 4:24:42 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

A DIFFERENT PROPOSAL
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 13 5:48:57 2006. [Full View]

One of my 12th class midterm paper had the foll question (I am not kidding)

******

What do u mean by 'termination of contract'? Explain elaborately in brief.

**

We all had a hearty laugh(secretly) before writing it.
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 13 5:51:37 2006. [Full View]

(This one is lil gross )

Once a sardarji was writing examination.

Suddenly after 1.5 hours, he got up, removed his shirt, trousers and resumed writing.

When asked why, he pointed at his question paper.
It was written....

"Write in brief"
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Feb 13 7:36:00 2006. [Full View]

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

It's your stupidity.

.....................................

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

.....................................

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

.....................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

.....................................

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.........................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.........................................

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

.........................................

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

.........................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.........................................

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in

life.

.........................................

The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

.........................................

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

.........................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

.........................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

.........................................

There should be a better way to start a

day

Than waking up every morning

.........................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

.........................................

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

.........................................

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

........................................

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.
From: Alan on Mon Feb 13 8:42:32 2006. [Full View]

Ok, time for some self-joke:

Sardar gets married but doesn't know anything about you-know-what.
So Sardar asks his mom. MOm says , " Put your hardest part into the place where she pisses"

Sardar thinks for a while. Then he puts his head inside the closet.

************************************************************

From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 13 9:44:17 2006.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

(This one is lil gross Rolling Eyes

)

Once a sardarji was writing examination.

Suddenly after 1.5 hours, he got up, removed his shirt, trousers and resumed writing.

When asked why, he pointed at his question paper.
It was written....

"Write in brief"

Good one! But did u happen to forget we hav a Sardarji among us?!

From: malsi on Mon Feb 13 10:24:46 2006. [Full View]

who is that?..
From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 13 11:07:24 2006. [Full View]

malsi wrote:

who is that?..

Atthan....namma Alan!
Which is y of course, he mentioned his latest joke was a "self-joke"!
From: RP on Mon Feb 13 12:41:28 2006. [Full View]

Q: What did the grape do when it was stepped on by an elephant?
A: It gave out a little whine.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Feb 13 14:07:21 2006. [Full View]

RP,

good ones.

Lambretta,

Next time, I need to be more careful Sorry no intention to hurt anyone here
From: Querida on Mon Feb 13 19:15:14 2006. [Full View]

Hey all...NOV-san how sly just take out the part that all the a's to your q's were answered by kids and no one says go to the anecdote section!

Surya...it's THROAT ...and yeah i know you're supposed so shocked that you find it funny....but nope i just am purely disgusted..really need a "feel sick" emotion...presumably the guy who told these jokes is not the same who swallowed the little arachnid?
From: Querida on Mon Feb 13 19:22:34 2006. [Full View]

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Top Five Signs Your Secret Admirer is Nuts

1. Every day the words "Be Mine" are freshly mowed into your lawn

2. His last letter ended, "If you won't be my Valentine, will you at least be my alibi?"

3. There's something trying to get out of one of the chocolates.

4. Sends you love poem: "I'd like for you and I to date, 'cause you're so much prettier than my cellmate"

5. Says he'll meet with you as soon as the standoff with the FBI is over

From: Alan on Tue Feb 14 8:56:12 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Shakthiprabha wrote:

(This one is lil gross Rolling Eyes

Good one! But did u happen to forget we hav a Sardarji among us?! Embarassed

Hey! Thanks for standing up for me, but seriously, I'm immune to these stuff- I laugh along. lol!

From: Lambretta on Tue Feb 14 9:26:54 2006. [Full View]

Alan, SP:
Even I was kidding abt it all......not pointin finger at SP or nething! So peace!
From: ts on Tue Feb 14 10:47:38 2006. [Full View]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly, finding warmth in his words.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
From: Alan on Tue Feb 14 22:51:09 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Alan, SP:
Even I was kidding abt it all......not pointin finger at SP or nething! So peace!

But thanks anyway, Lamby- Thou art a true pal.
From: Lambretta on Wed Feb 15 0:03:49 2006. [Full View]

Ohh...tks Paaji! I'm flattered!
From: selvakumar on Wed Feb 15 0:44:43 2006. [Full View]

Attack ??

A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.

A reporter was seeing all this.
He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper. Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."

The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US". Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG".

Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read
....

"TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG."
From: malsi on Wed Feb 15 0:56:43 2006. [Full View]

hahaha..good one selva..
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:01:33 2006. [Full View]

Two elderly men were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one men self-righteously, "Did you?"

"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:03:43 2006. [Full View]

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:04:34 2006. [Full View]

A woman was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the woman got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?"

And the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:07:14 2006. [Full View]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:09:10 2006. [Full View]

Dictionary for women

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:09:58 2006. [Full View]

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:12:26 2006. [Full View]

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:13:17 2006. [Full View]

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:14:58 2006. [Full View]

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 2:15:31 2006. [Full View]

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
From: a.ratchasi on Wed Feb 15 2:43:36 2006. [Full View]
From: RP on Wed Feb 15 5:04:03 2006. [Full View]

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Feb 15 7:22:57 2006. [Full View]

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first". Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub".

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next".

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub".

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Ma'am, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Feb 15 7:24:04 2006. [Full View]

Felt bored with the Thathuvam's? Here is something new???

Here we go with the Tamil version of the most famous Nursery Rhymes .
Baba black sheep....

va va karupu aadu

kambli noolu keedha??

keedhu machi keedhu paru moonu mootta keedhu

onnu nama annachiku,

onnu namma thangachiku,

onnu nama machanuku, ido kiran paaru!!!

Johny Jhony.....

Johny Johny

enna naina...

Chakara thundriya

illa naina....

dabai kiriya

illa naina

vaya thora

Aa.. Aa.. Aa..
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Feb 15 8:39:13 2006. [Full View]

Beckham,

my cousin used to say these rhymes (3 years back)

I feel its weird more than funny
From: Lambretta on Wed Feb 15 11:29:42 2006. [Full View]

Btw, Beckham, how come 'naina' is used here in Tamil??
Tats actually Telugu for father! (altho said by the Telangana speaking teluguites, the 'proper' word is Naanna.)
This is the 1st time I see this word being used in Tamil!
From: ts on Wed Feb 15 12:03:48 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta:

References from the Madras-Tamil dictionary

naina: na-yee-naa: noun. A Chiefly Madras Tamil Slang. Bloke, Dude (both sarcastic references), Fellow (First person reference)

From: Alan on Wed Feb 15 15:06:15 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

LOL!

From: a.ratchasi on Wed Feb 15 22:51:49 2006. [Full View]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 22:57:53 2006.

[Full View]

A Troubled User wrote:

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the
Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

From: NOV on Wed Feb 15 22:58:58 2006.

[Full View]

Tech Support wrote:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch
the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0 WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

From: Shekhar on Thu Feb 16 0:29:01 2006. [Full View]

Dear Tech Support,

Is is possible to create a separate partition in the hard drive and install an other independent software extraNice 1.0?
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Feb 16 0:47:44 2006. [Full View]

I read it in a magazine...

Sendhil(Comedy actor who recently joined Amma ADMK ) calls Goundamani

"Anney....Ippo dhairiyam irrundha ennaya adingga paapom"
From: Lambretta on Thu Feb 16 1:37:38 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

Dear Tech support,
I'm told by many other users tat the recommended software Sarees 2.1 (& I think even Jewellry 5.0 altho not sure) is considered outdated & unacceptable for the latest/current version of Wife 1.0?
Wat newer type of software wud u recommend for Wife 1.0?
Plse. let me know.

From: ts on Thu Feb 16 7:32:35 2006.

[Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

Dear Tech Support,

Is is possible to create a separate partition in the hard drive and install an other independent software extraNice 1.0?

Dear Shekhar,

Once you have installed Wife 1.0, it takes control of your Disks. Eventhough, not much of the resouces will be used, it will not allow you to partition your current disk or add new hardware/software. The firewall code is state-of-the-art technology and has not been broken yet. Trying to break the code will result in bankrupcy,death or permanent disability.

Regards,
"Tech Support"

Lambretta wrote:

I'm told by many other users tat the recommended software Sarees 2.1 (& I think even Jewellry 5.0 altho not sure) is considered outdated & unacceptable for the latest/current version of Wife 1.0? Razz

Wat newer type of software wud u recommend for Wife 1.0?
Plse. let me know. Wink

Dear Lambretta,

Software Sarees 2.1 is outdated. Silk(TM) Sarees 3.0 and Fancy-Name-A-Day Sarees 3.5 are most sought ones. Please visit Panagal Park area in Chennai to download yours. Download speeds are as follows:

Silk Sarees 3.0 - 4hr 55mts
1x Fancy - 3hr 40mts
2x Fancy - 6hr 20mts

Re-downloads - 5hr 30mts each (This is in additional to the original download - aka exchanges)

Please note that these are guide times. Actual timings depend on your wife 1.0 configuration settings.

"Jewellery 5.0 gold version" has been updated now with the "Jewellery 6.0 platinum version". It is twice as costly as the gold version hence twice as popular.

Regards
"Tech Support"

From: Lambretta on Thu Feb 16 8:58:16 2006. [Full View]

Dear tech support,
Thank u for ur prompt reply to my query.
Incidentally, from today's paper I've come to know tat the latest software Silk(TM) Sarees 3.0 and Fancy-Name-A-Day Sarees 3.5 for 'systems' running w/ Wife 1.0 r available even at CMR shopping mall & Chandana Bros. at Vizag.
I believe due to heavy demand the download time may be longer than expected tho!

From: ts on Thu Feb 16 9:15:46 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Dear tech support,
Thank u for ur prompt reply to my query. Laughing

Incidentally, from today's paper I've come to know tat the latest software Silk(TM) Sarees 3.0 and Fancy-Name-A-Day Sarees 3.5 for 'systems' running w/ Wife 1.0 r available even at CMR shopping mall & Chandana Bros. at Vizag. Very Happy

I believe due to heavy demand the download time may be longer than expected tho! Razz

Dear Lambretta,

We do not guarantee downloads from other "mirror" sites. However, we can assure you that no matter where the downloads are done, wife 1.0 will not be 100% responsive and happy about it. Wife 1.0 is designed such that quality/quantity of downloads doesnt matter and the software is never content. The upgrades/downloads of the software running in the neighbour's machine is always better.

Regards
"Tech Support"

From: sv on Thu Feb 16 18:19:01 2006. [Full View]
From: yosh on Thu Feb 16 22:48:53 2006. [Full View]

Wrong Address

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and s aw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 15 DIS 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby
From: selvakumar on Fri Feb 17 5:14:54 2006. [Full View]

THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR!!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, bread the chops and snapped fresh beans for dinner. After dinner, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night." Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year
From: Querida on Sat Feb 18 16:17:55 2006. [Full View]

that was really good selvakumar...as for Lambretta, Shekhar, NOV-san, TS

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers That it's
his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks The salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie
comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and...One of Ken's Friends.
From: Alan on Sat Feb 18 22:41:13 2006. [Full View]

lol!!!!
From: NOV on Sat Feb 18 23:53:09 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

that was really good selvakumar...as for Lambretta, Shekhar, NOV-san, TS
Why me?
Wasn't I the one who celebrated women?
From: NOV on Sun Feb 19 0:00:36 2006. [Full View]

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
From: NOV on Sun Feb 19 0:04:12 2006. [Full View]

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
From: NOV on Sun Feb 19 0:10:04 2006. [Full View]

Women

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

Men

Just horny
From: malsi on Sun Feb 19 0:10:48 2006. [Full View]

lol Querida ...
From: Lambretta on Sun Feb 19 0:51:19 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

as for Lambretta, Shekhar, NOV-san, TS

Waaat?? C'mon, do u hav to get serious abt tat?!
Neways, ur barbie joke was a good one!
But starting to find too many divorce jokes nowadays hey hm.....

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Sun Feb 19 4:30:13 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Btw, Beckham, how come 'naina' is used here in Tamil?? Confused

Tats actually Telugu for father! (altho said by the Telangana speaking teluguites, the 'proper' word is Naanna.)
This is the 1st time I see this word being used in Tamil! Smile

Naina is the typical way of calling dad in Madras Baasha.It is mostly used by Northern Chennai citizens which is relatively closer to Andhra border may be

From: Alan on Sun Feb 19 7:59:57 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

The best ever by NOV!!!!

From: Lambretta on Sun Feb 19 10:36:31 2006. [Full View]

*DIGR*
Beckham wrote:

Naina is the typical way of calling dad in Madras Baasha.It is mostly used by Northern Chennai citizens

Wow, I'm surprised to know this! I never knew they used tat word in Tamil!
Hmm......I find sum similarity in the way Tamil & Telugu hav both been 'modified' by native speakers in Madras & Telangana/Hyd. respectively!
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 0:20:04 2006. [Full View]

LAW OF QUEUES: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
From: Alan on Mon Feb 20 0:30:42 2006. [Full View]
From: terminator on Mon Feb 20 1:45:49 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

LAW OF QUEUES: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

I experienced it many times.

Quote:

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Quote:

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

maruthaani kaila vachirukkum pothum intha law work agum.

Quote:

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

Quote:

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
From: selvakumar on Mon Feb 20 8:19:19 2006. [Full View]

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.

They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is
granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be
in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
"Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"

Moral : "Always allow the boss to speak first"
From: ts on Mon Feb 20 12:18:16 2006. [Full View]

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand ... a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie; you cheat on your wife, and manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a to-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you b@$t@rd$ asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 21:57:08 2006. [Full View]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 21:58:29 2006. [Full View]

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 21:59:17 2006. [Full View]

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 21:59:52 2006. [Full View]

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
`Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring...
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 22:01:11 2006. [Full View]

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
From: NOV on Mon Feb 20 22:04:43 2006. [Full View]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
From: Alan on Tue Feb 21 5:48:31 2006. [Full View]

LOL!!!!!!!!
From: terminator on Tue Feb 21 12:35:11 2006. [Full View]
From: Querida on Tue Feb 21 20:07:10 2006. [Full View]

Nov-san, Lambretta relax was joking as well one non-divorce joke coming up

What Say You?

* All generalizations are false.

* Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control.

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* Rehab is for quitters.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students
From: selvakumar on Wed Feb 22 2:32:53 2006. [Full View]

One Train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.

The passengers were horrified. On the next railway station the driver was
caught: He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned.

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.

The Authorities questioned:

Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger? You should have run over that person.

Sardarji: Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close!
From: Alan on Wed Feb 22 4:29:09 2006. [Full View]

EXCELLENT ones, Querida!
From: Querida on Wed Feb 22 20:04:33 2006. [Full View]

Thanx Alan glad you found them as amusing as I did
Hey Lambretta found a treasury of AB pics...so can keep your avatar as it is

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger them in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, I heard there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy piped up, "I'm going to Idaho, rumors are there's only a few nuns living there."

It was then one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet voice said, "Why don't you all go to Hell there aren't any nuns living there."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 22 21:59:56 2006. [Full View]

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
From: NOV on Wed Feb 22 22:04:01 2006. [Full View]

Snappy Answers

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "**** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6,

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
From: NOV on Wed Feb 22 22:05:19 2006. [Full View]

Translate this to simple English....

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
From: Braandan on Wed Feb 22 23:00:14 2006. [Full View]

Jack and Jill went up the hill..
From: malsi on Wed Feb 22 23:24:09 2006. [Full View]

good answer braandan !!..hahaha
From: Querida on Thu Feb 23 0:13:58 2006. [Full View]

Braandan beat me to it

Might as well fill it in fully:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack came down
and broke his crown
and Jill came
tumbling after!

And just for fun:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses,
And all the King's men,
Ate scrambled egg for two weeks.

***************************

Hickory dickory dock,
Two mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
But the other one got away.

***************************

Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Heaven knows what that is!
Me like a fool, thought it was a stool
Don't know on what basis !!

A look in the dictionary, gives this commentary
Its a tuft, a tussock or mound !
while again I look, for those in the book
Muffet, with curds stuffed, gets round !!

*********************************

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick!
Jack now show us another trick
Do it again Jack with a lighted wick!
From: Alan on Thu Feb 23 4:53:06 2006. [Full View]

LOL! Great ones, Querida!
From: NOV on Thu Feb 23 21:41:25 2006. [Full View]

IDIOTS!!!

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.

______________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD S ERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. This was in Jackson Mississippi

______________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, How would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

______________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

______________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

______________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

______________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

BEWARE! They walk among us, AND REPRODUCE!!!
From: Nerd on Fri Feb 24 16:08:12 2006. [Full View]

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life. At least for a while.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost
instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island
with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the
next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old
life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous
woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you
get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had
survived. How many of you are there?
You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash
up: nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware - how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him
was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but
I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another
drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still -
How about a Pinacolada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer
accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm
going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a
shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to
a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel
mechanism.

"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer
to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a
very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do
for all of these months."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing -
this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.

"You mean...," he replied,

"I can check my e-mail from here ?"
From: ssanjinika on Fri Feb 24 16:31:22 2006. [Full View]

Oh GOD!!
From: vetrivendan on Fri Feb 24 18:02:41 2006. [Full View]

kasi,

good one...
From: Alan on Sat Feb 25 0:08:25 2006. [Full View]

Kasi, great one!
From: Alan on Sat Feb 25 0:11:01 2006. [Full View]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband was so old, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she and Wally would have separate bedrooms. She was concerned her new but aged husband might overexert himself if they spent the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepared herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock came, the door opened and there was Wally, her 85 year old groom. They united as one. All went well, Wally took leave of his bride, and she prepared to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne heard another knock on her bedroom door, it was Wally - again!

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consented. Afterwards Wally kissed his bride and bid her a fond goodnight and left.

She was set to go to sleep but Wally was back, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year-old. Once again they enjoyed each other. But as Wally was set to leave, his young bride said to him, "I am thoroughly impressed. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turned to Lou Anne and said: "You mean I was here already?"

Senior moments have their advantages.
From: Shekhar on Sat Feb 25 0:36:34 2006. [Full View]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
� Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
� Crying is blackmail.

� Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT!
� Yes� and �No� are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
� Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
� A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
� Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days
� If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us
� If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
� You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
� Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
� Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
� ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
� Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
� If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
� If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle
� If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear
� When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
� You have enough clothes.
� You have too many shoes.
� You are in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
From: Querida on Sat Feb 25 0:47:59 2006. [Full View]

�Crying is blackmail.
But Shekhar! it works soooooo well!

Alan and Kasi, never would have guessed the endings to those jokes!

****************************************************

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
From: Braandan on Sat Feb 25 9:33:00 2006. [Full View]

Shekhar,
Please permit me to print out your rules and paste
it on my bedpost.
From: RP on Sat Feb 25 9:55:09 2006. [Full View]

Great Party

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
From: Lambretta on Sat Feb 25 10:14:25 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

� When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

Hmm.....not really IMO! Oh well, 20/21 wud be jus fine!
From: Querida on Sat Feb 25 15:24:56 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."

ummm whoa... good one
From: RP on Sun Feb 26 2:12:01 2006. [Full View]

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
From: Alan on Sun Feb 26 4:59:03 2006. [Full View]

good one, RP!
From: RP on Sun Feb 26 10:02:54 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

good one, RP!

Thanks Alan
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 22:46:22 2006. [Full View]

DO U know how To Catch a Lion?

Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proventhat its a Lion. If
anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a
lion.

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method:
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd
lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another
lioness(third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also you wont !

Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables
continuously.

George Bush method:
Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

IITian method:
Give fundebazi to lion, that you are the great and rest of people are useless.. their life is not worthy... Lion will surrender itself.
From: dev on Sun Feb 26 23:02:22 2006. [Full View]

...Good one, Nov...
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:15:51 2006. [Full View]

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

===============================================

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

===============================================

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:20:24 2006. [Full View]

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

===============================================

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?"
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:21:57 2006. [Full View]

Mr Right Application
Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

________
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:23:26 2006. [Full View]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:25:52 2006. [Full View]

Gopi's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Gopi interrupted, "I haven't added them up yet."
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:26:46 2006. [Full View]

A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:27:50 2006. [Full View]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"
From: NOV on Sun Feb 26 23:33:09 2006. [Full View]

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Sun Feb 26 23:37:53 2006. [Full View]

Check it out...

http://alterfin.com/dominique/index2.html
From: Querida on Mon Feb 27 0:46:34 2006. [Full View]

Beckham that was really weird....

************PHONE MESSAGES*****************

A is for academics, B is or beer. One of those reasons is why we're not > > here. So, leave a message. > >

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the > money. > If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid > institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you > owe > me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. > >

Hi. Now you say something. > >

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. > Please > speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with some of > these > magnets. > >

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic > thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your > number > and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave > me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. > >
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Mon Feb 27 0:53:42 2006. [Full View]

Querida,
Just for fun
From: Querida on Mon Feb 27 0:53:45 2006. [Full View]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.

The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.

His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddad had died.
he father assures the son that granddad is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddad dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk for safety.

Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds emotionally, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning".
From: terminator on Mon Feb 27 2:14:25 2006. [Full View]
From: Alan on Mon Feb 27 2:34:21 2006. [Full View]

GREAT ONES, NOV!!!!! I reall enjoyed that canniba one!
From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 27 6:02:47 2006. [Full View]

dev wrote:

...Good one, Nov...

Yea tat was good!
From: Lambretta on Mon Feb 27 6:06:58 2006. [Full View]

Beckham wrote:

Check it out...

http://alterfin.com/dominique/index2.html

Hey this is good man!
From: NOV on Tue Feb 28 8:53:07 2006. [Full View]

I am not to be blamed if you get affected after reading this letter in response to a advertisement for a groom.
However you choose to interpret the contents, the perception is entirely yours....

Subject: Response to an advertisement

Dear Madame,

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.

That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hardly every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head in between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Hope you will be Expecting, soon to meet me.

Yours and ever hoping
-name deleted to protect the guilty-
From: Lambretta on Tue Feb 28 9:02:08 2006. [Full View]

Nice one NOV!
On a similar note, this was one highly amusing (to me atleast!) story I came across in the stories secn.....'not sure if i'm allowed to copy/paste it here as I'm not the one who originally posted it......
But its abt a phone call between Vijaykanth & Sushmita Sen wher he offers a role to the latter in his upcoming movie....
Herez the link:
http://forumhub.mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=6029

My apologies to Captain fans but honestly, I can't help laffing my head off whenever I read it!
From: RP on Tue Feb 28 11:51:42 2006. [Full View]

HA HA Good One Querida
From: Querida on Tue Feb 28 15:22:21 2006. [Full View]

that vijaykanth joke was tooo much! I had to try so hard to stifle my laughter in the lab!

no offence meant on the next joke

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you
ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up."Have you found Jesus?" he asked.

"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then
dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother,
have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My good man, have you found Jesus YET?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

*****************************************************
From: Alan on Tue Feb 28 15:23:23 2006. [Full View]

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, NOV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was laughing at the "response to the advertisement" till my sides ached!
From: RedPepper on Tue Feb 28 23:03:16 2006. [Full View]

"Why God made Moms" answers given by elementary school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about your dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Source:WWW
From: Arthi on Wed Mar 1 0:05:52 2006. [Full View]

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
From: Arthi on Wed Mar 1 0:09:22 2006. [Full View]

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon". Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:17:44 2006. [Full View]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing arguments about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said,''Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and i will judge who does the better job''.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreasheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mails. They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddently flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming ''it's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!''

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

''Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?''

God shrugged and said, ''Jesus saves''.
From: dev on Wed Mar 1 3:21:48 2006. [Full View]

Nov,

the above reminds me of these words that was written on one of our college desk...

Jesus never fails...
Ask him to write the CA exams...
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:26:43 2006. [Full View]

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."

"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"

"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:28:39 2006. [Full View]

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:30:11 2006. [Full View]

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...."
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:31:54 2006. [Full View]

The CIA advertised for new recruits.

Three men answered and went to the office for an interview. After filling out their applications, they were taken one at a time into another room where the interviewer told them: "One of the requirements for joining the CIA is that you have to prove your loyalty to us. We want you to take this gun, go in the other room and shoot your wife!"

Startled, the first job seeker replied: "I cannot do that, we just got married!" The interviewer then told him that he was sorry but that he would not receive a job offer.

The second applicant was then taken into the room and given the same proposal, to which he answered: "I cannot do that. We have been married 10 years and we have two lovely children!" At that point, he was turned away also.

The last applicant was presented with the ultimatum in the same monotone to which he replied: "Sure, I will do it!". He marched into the other room.

Shots were fired and then noise came from the room as if a brawl were ensuing, including loud screams, kicking and thumping.

The interviewee returned to the room where he was asked what had happened. He said: "Some jerk put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle her!"
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:33:08 2006. [Full View]

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.

Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

Jim: What happened to your first three wives?

Joe: They all died, Jim.

Jim: How did that happen?

Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: How terrible! And your second?

Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Jim: I see, an accident.

Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 3:37:31 2006. [Full View]

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes, and an apple pie for dessert?"
Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."

Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Which is this?"

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 1 9:31:52 2006. [Full View]

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is
delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
From: Alan on Wed Mar 1 11:38:17 2006. [Full View]

LOL!!!!!!!! As always, great ones, NOV!
From: RP on Wed Mar 1 12:38:32 2006. [Full View]

[quote="NOV"]The CIA advertised for new recruits.

HA HA HA Good one
From: RP on Wed Mar 1 12:51:55 2006. [Full View]

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
From: Querida on Wed Mar 1 23:02:36 2006. [Full View]

RP good one! I know some people who deserve flowers like that

*****************************************************

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours .
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must have been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.
From: Alan on Wed Mar 1 23:46:00 2006. [Full View]

Smart ones, Querida!
From: RP on Thu Mar 2 0:20:28 2006. [Full View]

[quote="Querida"] RP good one! I know some people who deserve flowers like that

*****************************************************

Good ones Querida
From: RP on Thu Mar 2 0:27:34 2006. [Full View]

DOCTORS AND PATIENTS...

A men enters to the consulting-room of psychiatrist, sits dawn and begins to cram tobacco into his nose.
"Hm-well, - says psychiatrist, - you really got into suitable place…"
Man: "Oh, you have matches?"

At psychiatrist: "Doctor, crocodiles are running all over my bedroom at night!"
"Well, you have to go to veterinarian. Next!"

Doctors is pulling little cart with his patient dawn the corridor of hospital.
"Doctor, doctor, maybe I could be driven to the reanimation?" "Patient, don’t play the fool! If I said "To morgue", you go to morgue!"

Patient to doctor: "My left hand very hurts."
"Age, age..." says the doctor.
Patient-"But my right hand is of the same age and it doesn't hurt."

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
From: Querida on Thu Mar 2 0:48:08 2006. [Full View]

what a way to find out you have a broken finger!

************************************************
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

****************************************************
(i know i have posted this one before...but i still find it endearing )

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"

*****************************************************

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''
From: yosh on Thu Mar 2 22:11:16 2006. [Full View]

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
< I>GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes ou t of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pret ty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

< I>2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
< SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "Wha t are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical reco rds show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

________________________________
From: NOV on Thu Mar 2 23:19:16 2006. [Full View]

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.

One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.
From: RedPepper on Thu Mar 2 23:47:42 2006. [Full View]

This is soooooooooo cute. Make sure your speakers are on.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_5FY_6XtGWc
From: Alan on Fri Mar 3 0:18:00 2006. [Full View]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new
wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that
he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple
days
but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were
all
washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and
he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a British girl. He boasted that he told her
that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but
by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little
out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and call a gardener.
From: Querida on Fri Mar 3 1:01:52 2006. [Full View]

I think the fourth day is when the other two will get their come-uppence

Awwwwww RedPepper that was sooo adorable! Thanx for sharing

*****************************************************
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
From: Shekhar on Fri Mar 3 2:11:42 2006. [Full View]

Yea .. that was cute.

And I bet Redpepper is a girl!!!
From: Querida on Fri Mar 3 3:03:26 2006. [Full View]

shekhar are you sure you couldn't write out your adolescent confessions..you're really good at making us laugh already
From: Alan on Fri Mar 3 3:19:27 2006. [Full View]

Querida, very cute& sweet stuff!
From: yosh on Fri Mar 3 3:59:31 2006. [Full View]

My wife left me...

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses; I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
From: NOV on Fri Mar 3 4:37:56 2006. [Full View]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's lingerie.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female..... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . .... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

From: pooja.shankar on Fri Mar 3 5:04:39 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's lingerie.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . .... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart!

.

MAN.... u will be hit with the guys with those kind of jokes ..in my school ! ....

From: Alan on Sat Mar 4 0:40:26 2006. [Full View]

Yosh & NOV, great ones!
From: RP on Sun Mar 5 4:41:05 2006. [Full View]

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand rupees."
"A thousand rupees!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
From: RP on Sun Mar 5 4:45:25 2006. [Full View]

Qs:If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

[color=brown]Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.
From: Querida on Sun Mar 5 17:41:11 2006. [Full View]

First he lies on one side and then on the other.
****************************************************

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
From: NOV on Mon Mar 6 3:00:30 2006. [Full View]

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
From: Shekhar on Mon Mar 6 5:46:52 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

shekhar are you sure you couldn't write out your adolescent confessions..you're really good at making us laugh already

Querida.. What do you want? You want me to be kicked out of my home?!!!
From: Querida on Mon Mar 6 14:04:44 2006. [Full View]

Naaaaaah @ Shekhar

Speaking of getting kicked out: How to Get Kicked Out of a Chemistry Class!

9. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

8. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Write on the board - "Picnic Today" and then when your classmates arrive, begin toasting marshmallows over the bunsen burner.

3. Pour glycerin on all of the counters, and watch the equipment and chemical bottles slide off as they are used in your classmates' experiments

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

and last but not least...

1. Carry a small vile of water and tell everyone that you have the secret to invisibility in there. Place the bottle down and pretend not to be watching it very carefully.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 6 23:45:18 2006. [Full View]

Let's say a guy named Rob is attracted to a woman named Carol. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Carol, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud, 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'

And then there is silence in the car.

To Carol, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself, "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

Rob is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."

Carol is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment?
Do I really even know this person?"

Meanwhile Rob is thinking, "So that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."

Carol looks at Rob and thinks, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to
say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."

Rob is thinking, "I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600."

Watching Rob, Carol thinks, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."

Rob is still on his train of thought. "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs."

Carol wonders, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."

Rob is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...."

'Rob,' Carol says aloud.

'What?' says Rob, startled.

'Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have...Oh God,I feel so....'
(She breaks down, sobbing.)

'What?' says Rob, thoroughly confused.

'I'm such a fool,' Carol sobs. 'I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'

'There's no horse?' says Rob, perplexed.

'You think I'm a fool, don't you?' asks Carol.

'No!' says Rob, glad to finally know the correct answer.

'It's just that... it's that I... I need some time,' Carol says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Rob, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

'Yes,' he says.
(Carol, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

'Oh, Rob, do you really feel that way?' she says.

'What way?' asks Rob.

'That way about time,' says Carol.

'Oh,' says Rob, 'Yeah, sure.'

(Carol turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

'Thank you, Rob.' she says.

'Thank you.' Rob replies, unsure what else to say.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Rob gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Rob's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Carol will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Rob, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Carol's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: 'Ross, did Carol ever own a horse?'
From: NOV on Mon Mar 6 23:49:42 2006. [Full View]

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the
same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will start giving their dad kisses on both cheeks.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
From: Shekhar on Tue Mar 7 0:12:33 2006. [Full View]

Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?

A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with his finger and says, �You�re done�you�re done�you�re done��
From: NOV on Tue Mar 7 0:18:28 2006. [Full View]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
From: NOV on Tue Mar 7 0:20:12 2006. [Full View]

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
From: NOV on Tue Mar 7 0:21:16 2006. [Full View]

Did you hear about the woman whose ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once?

One cooking and the other cleaning.
From: NOV on Tue Mar 7 0:22:10 2006. [Full View]

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman's face as she collapsed.
From: Querida on Tue Mar 7 0:36:33 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.

NOV-san the one with boys vs. girls is hi-larious!

Shekhar awwwww how cute!

****************************************************

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
***************************************************

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
From: swathy on Tue Mar 7 5:39:36 2006. [Full View]

I dunno whether this is posted already. If yes Iam Sorry.

___________________

Marriage Proposals from girls !!

These are Girls ads taken from shaadi.com...

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

1.Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome t o my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls
viset my resident or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
>> (Working in all fields???

2.i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
>> (Homework?)

3.Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may never create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you
>> (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

4. he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. he should be educated.
>> (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

5. I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to
late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!!
>> (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

6. i am simple girl.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow iamlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot
>> (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

7. My husband should be as 'Shiva ' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT......
>>Dare to comment

8. i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
>> (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

9. HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
>> (all of us are loughing{laughing})

10.whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde called the man of the lamp
>> (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl >> wants)

11. i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
>> (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

12.HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO
GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
>> (the "ok syndrome" again)

13.iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred
>> >> (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)

14.iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
>> (actually what is this girl doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

15.my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
>> >> (height of desperation! J )

16.Iwant one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea frank he's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful.
but iam not a handsome girl or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good girl. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR.
bye bye.
>> >> (uttama purishinin)

17.iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
>> (No comments)

18.I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
>> (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

19. hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first husband.his charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or othercaste accepted ...
>> (but credit cards not accepted..???)

20.my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
>> (Zebra..???)

21.i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME
ONLY.
>> (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

22.to be married on jan-2005. working man perferable
>>this girl has fixed the marriage date too! But she is yet to find a groom. I wish his best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure she will get one soon.

23.i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure. because boy is the maharaja.
>> (Now he is going to be a lucky boy! Any takers?)

24.ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
>>U can comment, I had enough fun

From: Shakthiprabha on Tue Mar 7 6:14:20 2006.

[Full View]

swathy wrote:

These are Girls ads taken from shaadi.com... [/b]

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

1.Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome t o my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls
viset my resident or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
>> (Working in all fields???

Quote:

7. My husband should be as 'Shiva ' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT......
>>Dare to comment

Quote:

8. i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
>> (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

Quote:

.whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde called the man of the lamp
>> (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl >> wants)

Quote:

11. i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
>> (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

Quote:

15.my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
>> >> (height of desperation! J )

Quote:

18.I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
>> (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

I LOVE THE COMMENTS

Quote:

21.i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME
ONLY.
>> (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

Quote:

23.i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure. because boy is the maharaja.
>> (Now he is going to be a lucky boy! Any takers?)

Quote:

24.ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
>>U can comment, I had enough fun

From: dev on Tue Mar 7 7:34:15 2006. [Full View]

@Marriage Proposals
From: Arthi on Tue Mar 7 8:56:55 2006. [Full View]

swathy wrote:

Marriage Proposals from girls !!

These are Girls ads taken from shaadi.com...
....
From: pavalamani pragasam on Tue Mar 7 9:00:50 2006. [Full View]

Most definitely the most entertaining, most interesting threadin the Hub!
From: swathy on Tue Mar 7 9:10:12 2006. [Full View]

pavalamani pragasam wrote:

Most definitely the most entertaining, most interesting threadin the Hub!

Thanks. I got it in fwd mail

..Yaan petra inbam peruga ivvaiyagam.....
From: malsi on Tue Mar 7 11:35:35 2006. [Full View]

the Marriage Proposals ad is veryyyy funny ..hahaha
From: Badri on Tue Mar 7 19:07:22 2006. [Full View]

Did I read that sign right?

In a public restroom of a hi-rise office building:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.....PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

In a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
From: Braandan on Tue Mar 7 19:35:50 2006. [Full View]

Regarding the ads posted in shaadi.com posted here as jokes.. jokes apart.. I felt tears in my eyes thinking about the desperation of those girls.. how the society in India pressurizes girls to get married.. and the desperation shows in these ads.. pity them, rather than laugh at them..
From: NOV on Tue Mar 7 21:30:53 2006. [Full View]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young pastor noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would
tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
From: pavalamani pragasam on Tue Mar 7 22:39:57 2006. [Full View]

Nov!!! Unbelievable naivety!
From: Querida on Tue Mar 7 23:42:53 2006. [Full View]

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young rooster from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself........

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
From: Badri on Tue Mar 7 23:47:57 2006. [Full View]

@ Q!

reminds me of those gay penguins in a zoo that people were fussing so much about!!!
From: pavalamani pragasam on Wed Mar 8 0:07:35 2006. [Full View]

News to me!!!!!

From: kb on Wed Mar 8 0:26:31 2006.

[Full View]

swathy wrote:

Iwant one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea frank he's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful.
but iam not a handsome girl or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good girl. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR.
bye bye.
>> >> (uttama purishinin)

ur comment is positve or negative..

anyway..there may be few college profs who will talk english differently..

1) Boys please keep silence for 1 minute..now only principal passed away in the corridor..

2)open the door of the window and let the air force come in.

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Mar 8 0:56:40 2006. [Full View]

Q: Is there any way to slim down without doing any exercise as it is not possible to exercise in the morning hours?

A: I would suggest just a very easy exercise. Just turn your head towards your left and then to your right. Do this 2 to 3 times whenever someone offers you food.
From: pavalamani pragasam on Wed Mar 8 3:01:23 2006. [Full View]

how true!!!
From: RP on Wed Mar 8 5:27:07 2006. [Full View]

Laloo Yadav goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
Laloo responds, "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."

Next Laloo approaches Ambani. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case....."
From: ssanjinika on Wed Mar 8 10:15:19 2006. [Full View]

REad that joke..but the players were Bill Gates,George Bush and The world bank president.
From: RP on Wed Mar 8 10:36:44 2006. [Full View]

ssanjinika wrote:

REad that joke..but the players were Bill Gates,George Bush and The world bank president.

This is wat u can call a truly UNIVERSAL POLITICAL JOKE.....
From: Alan on Wed Mar 8 23:50:49 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Too good, Querida!
From: Arthi on Thu Mar 9 1:18:31 2006. [Full View]

Proceed at your own risk...

Gulshan Grover is riding a bike at the velocity of light.
On the way he offers a lift to a stranger.

Stranger: 'Sir, can I know your name please'
Gulshan : 'I am Gulshan Grocer'
Stranger : Grocer? Sure you dont mean Gulshan Grover??
Gulshan: No it is Grocer.

Now tell me why did Gulshan say so...

ANS: Because at the speed of light V=C
==============================================

And this is the latest one.... shayad padaa ho pehle but phir bhi
enjoy....................

) Smoking
2) Drinking
3) Charas
4) Ganja
5) Chicken
6) Mutton
7) Oily food
8) Masala
9) Sleep & obesity
10) Pollution

= Heart Attack

means...

DUS bahane karke le gaye DIL !!
===============================================

Do you know why the name of Madras was replaced by Chennai???

Think......

Think..

Bit more.......

Because...a Madrassi wears lungi and there is no zip means chen..nai...
===============================================

What's the opposite of "Dominoes"???
think
think
think
think
think

tired of thinking???

Well the answer is "Domi doesn't know"

===============================================

Whats the opposite of "Pizza Hut"

okei don't kill me "Pizza Hutna math"

===============================================
Acha last one...............

ok whats the opp of venky's..

venlocks...
(now,now,dont bang ur head plz..)

=============================================

What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy?

Subramanium Didn't See Me.

==============================================

How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?

Ready....Steady.....PO

==============================================

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD
YOU
TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
==============================================

A guy is traveling in a deluxe car in the desert. He wants to take a
bath,but he hasn't got a soap and there is no water anywhere around...

what can he do?

He will integrate his d-lux car to get Lux + c (constant of
integration)

Using the lux soap he will take bath in the 'c'.
=============================================

one day a man calls his wife from his IDEA mobile
his call gets cross connected to some other lady.They still keep on
talking..they start liking each other..and finally they get married.

what MORAL do u get???
..
..
...
An IDEA can change your wife.
=============================================

A man went to a STD/ISD/PCO SHOP and slapped the operator twice.

Guess why ?

because there it was written "Number dial karne se pehele do lagae"

===============================================

whats difference between a man jumping from 1st floor and a man jumping from10th floor?
. . . . . . . . . . . . former goes (hit) aaaaaaaaa later
goes aaaaaaaaa (hit)

===============================================

Other than being fruits, what is common between an Apple and an Orange?

think......
............
............
............
............
socho socho
............
............
............
the answer is ..........

They Both Are Not a Banana !!
===============================================
A tamilian and a sardarji sitting together in a train.
Tamilian is bored and wants to talk, he asks sardar "tamil terima?"

Sardar is offended and hits back "punjab tera baap"
===============================================

Avvalavudhan
From: pavalamani pragasam on Thu Mar 9 1:26:25 2006. [Full View]
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 2:01:19 2006. [Full View]

mostly puriyala
From: Arthi on Thu Mar 9 2:03:12 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

mostly puriyala

Ask ur kid NOV
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 2:07:06 2006. [Full View]

Arthi wrote:

Ask ur kid NOV
kid?
avanukku hindhi puryumaa?
From: dev on Thu Mar 9 3:21:22 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

Arthi wrote:

Ask ur kid NOV
kid?
avanukku hindhi puryumaa?
From: Arthi on Thu Mar 9 3:38:59 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

Arthi wrote:

Ask ur kid NOV
kid?
avanukku hindhi puryumaa?

Translate panniNa Ennum kadiya erukkum, vitudunga NOV

UngalaNinaichu naan
From: terminator on Thu Mar 9 4:03:18 2006. [Full View]

Silathu sema kadi
palathu
From: RP on Thu Mar 9 12:22:35 2006. [Full View]

Think about it!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
His Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh-t."
From: ssanjinika on Thu Mar 9 14:51:45 2006. [Full View]

RP ,
From: Querida on Thu Mar 9 16:17:02 2006. [Full View]

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
*************************************************

After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."

"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
***************************************************
From: Badri on Thu Mar 9 18:58:09 2006. [Full View]

So we saw marriage ads, we saw leave letters...take a look at these insurance claims!!!

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where
Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an
accident in the fewest words.

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention.

3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put
my head through it.

4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-
in-law, and headed over the embankment.

9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As
I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and
I did not see the other car.

11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.

12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my
universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in
time to avoid the accident.

14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.

15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat,
found that I had a fractured skull.

18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over
him.

20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.

22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray dogs.

23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
From: Querida on Thu Mar 9 19:52:36 2006. [Full View]

Good Find Badri! That was tooooo funny!!! Poor pedestrians and phone poles!
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 21:49:44 2006. [Full View]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 21:52:17 2006. [Full View]

I was once asked if I believe in clubs for women.
I said yes, but only if all other forms of persuasion fails.
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 21:53:02 2006. [Full View]

When I was a kid, I told my dad I wanted to go to the zoo.

My dad said if the zoo wanted me, they could come and get me.

-- Jerry Lewis
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 21:58:41 2006. [Full View]

This blonde is flying to New York and she sits in First Class, one of the flight attendants notices that she has a coach ticket and asks her to leave.

The blonde says "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to New York" and doesn't budge; the attendant gets this burly guy to talk to her but the blonde insists that she is blonde, beautiful and she is going to New York and stills doesn't move.

The attendants go to the captain and tell him that they are having problem with a blonde that is sitting in first class with a coach ticket and that she doesn't want to move.

The captain says "I'll fix that", then he goes and whispers something in the blonde's ears.

She rapidly gets up and goes to economy class; the attendants couldn't believe their eyes and told the captain "we tried everything and she just didn't move; what did you say to her?"

The captain said "I told her that first class didn't go to New York".
From: NOV on Thu Mar 9 22:05:48 2006. [Full View]

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
From: Badri on Thu Mar 9 22:27:07 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

I was once asked if I believe in clubs for women.
I said yes, but only if all other forms of persuasion fails.
From: pavalamani pragasam on Thu Mar 9 22:44:45 2006. [Full View]

Surely it is a 'clubbed' man who said that!!!
From: Prabhu Ram on Thu Mar 9 22:45:54 2006. [Full View]

Great ones Badri. My pick is the man who doubled is the man who ensured survival of the fittest:

sbadri99 wrote:

19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
From: Querida on Thu Mar 9 23:36:57 2006. [Full View]

Prabhu Ram who is your avatar?
*****************************************************
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another
handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why
they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
From: terminator on Fri Mar 10 1:49:13 2006. [Full View]

RP & Q,
From: pavalamani pragasam on Fri Mar 10 1:55:24 2006. [Full View]

Q, I read the joke ,slightly different, in yesterday's newspaper!
From: Prabhu Ram on Fri Mar 10 15:18:45 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

Prabhu Ram who is your avatar?

Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse
From: Querida on Sat Mar 11 1:36:38 2006. [Full View]

(Sigh) another author to add to my ever-growing works to read...soooo much literature so little time

*****************************************************
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, " explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

***************************************************

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
From: Alan on Sat Mar 11 1:44:02 2006. [Full View]

BABY PHOTOGRAPHER

The Heberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me." Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
Wife (muttering) - "Don't I know it."
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife - "She was difficult?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod?"
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam! Madam! Good Lord, she's fainted!"
From: Querida on Sat Mar 11 1:45:26 2006. [Full View]

Alan the moment I read proxy father I knew it was the joke i got in my mail today
From: Alan on Sat Mar 11 1:52:12 2006. [Full View]

Q, you got the same joke in your mail today? Weird, isn't it?
From: RP on Sat Mar 11 11:06:26 2006. [Full View]

[quote="Querida"](Sigh) another author to add to my ever-growing works to read...soooo much literature so little time

*****************************************************
A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage[quote=]

Good One Querida

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
From: Querida on Sat Mar 11 13:02:37 2006. [Full View]

I guess she could use the teeth she knocked out to fashion a pearl necklace

*****************************************************
A man comes home from a night of drinking.

As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."
*****************************************************
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
*****************************************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around
town.

He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 10 seconds or less and my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
From: Lambretta on Sat Mar 11 13:47:10 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks...............

Good one Que...but,
*DIGR* sory cudn't help pointing this out, being addicted to vehicles (mostly old)- jus assuming no-one's goin2 to think of an 'auto' as in auto-rickshaw, as they r more commonly known here! Then the joke wudn't get thru......!
From: pavalamani pragasam on Sun Mar 12 3:21:24 2006. [Full View]

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orangutang was reading two books-the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

From: RP on Sun Mar 12 7:16:41 2006.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

A man comes home from a night of drinking.

As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."
Laughing

.........................
...............coming home to something reminds me of this joke.....

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

Husband: "Needs ironing!"

From: Shakthiprabha on Sun Mar 12 7:52:08 2006. [Full View]
From: hi on Sun Mar 12 20:52:07 2006. [Full View]

A Indian guy named
Anantharaman Subbaraman
arrived at the Kuwait airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs
for the authorities to call his name,
he got fedup and went to them and asked
why they havent called his name yet.

They said that they have been calling his as
'Anotherman Superman'
From: NOV on Sun Mar 12 22:20:43 2006. [Full View]

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name"

"A day without sunshine is like, night."

"Honk if you love Peace and Quiet"

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
From: Querida on Sun Mar 12 22:59:22 2006. [Full View]

cute bumper stickers NOV-san
*****************************************************
(No offense meant to natural blondes )

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."
From: NOV on Mon Mar 13 2:28:41 2006. [Full View]

A sardar had twins and he named them Tara and Sitara.

After a few years he again had twins and he called them Peter and Repeater.

When after two more years his wife gave birth to another set of twins�a little upset Sardar tried to send a message across by naming them Max & Climax.

Unfortunately, one more year and he fathered another set of twins.

Not to be beaten this time�he named them Tired & Retired!
From: NOV on Mon Mar 13 2:45:21 2006. [Full View]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

-- Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-- Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
- Anonymous

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
- Anonymous

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-- Nash

My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
- Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-- Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-- Anonymous
From: Shekhar on Mon Mar 13 4:45:25 2006. [Full View]

NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element : WOMEN
Symbol : WO+
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARD
Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.

!! WARNING !!

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS.
From: Alan on Mon Mar 13 5:43:44 2006. [Full View]

Great Marriage Quotes, NOV!

From: Arthi on Mon Mar 13 6:47:47 2006.

[Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element : WOMEN
Symbol : WO+
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARD
Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.

!! WARNING !!

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS.

From: pavalamani pragasam on Mon Mar 13 6:55:56 2006. [Full View]

A very very old one!!!
From: Alan on Mon Mar 13 7:47:32 2006. [Full View]

Yes, as PP mam says,its really old , I have seen it a dozen times!
From: bingleguy on Mon Mar 13 7:55:53 2006. [Full View]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. "
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
From: Alan on Mon Mar 13 7:59:03 2006. [Full View]

Look at the little one's guts! Bet he had a black eye before he went home.
From: RP on Mon Mar 13 9:55:39 2006. [Full View]

DEfinitions
BATHROOM:A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BED:Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

REMOTE CONTROL:Female! Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

TELEVISION:Television is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
From: Alan on Mon Mar 13 11:45:08 2006. [Full View]

Great ones, RP!
From: Querida on Mon Mar 13 14:04:36 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Look at the little one's guts! Bet he had a black eye before he went home.

More like a caning from the teacher!

NOV-san great quotes
From: Lambretta on Mon Mar 13 14:10:44 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

Alan wrote:

Look at the little one's guts! Bet he had a black eye before he went home.

More like a caning from the teacher!

Hmm.....donno Que-san......if it wer in the West, the teacher wudn't be allowed to do ne of tat as it'd come under a legal offence!
But yea, the little one cud've always got detention after school + lines+ cleaning out the board dusters +...........(as seen from the Simpsons', Calvin & Hobbes cartoons!)

From: Querida on Mon Mar 13 21:56:55 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Hmm.....donno Que-san......if it wer in the West, the teacher wudn't be allowed to do ne of tat as it'd come under a legal offence! Confused

But yea, the little one cud've always got detention after school + lines+ cleaning out the board dusters +...........(as seen from the Simpsons', Calvin & Hobbes cartoons! Razz

)

Yeah I should know

I remember cringing from the way students disrespect teachers. But most students are respectful and most teachers deserve that respect. There are some who...

The worst one would get was a rant by the principal...detention which is more punishment for the teacher...or three days suspension. I seriously don't know if harder tactics would work...it's comes to the point that students who misbehave don't care no more....it's sad not to reach them...the mind is a terrible thing to waste...some kids seriously are just brilliant but bored at school, others have too many problems at home to care about school...

Well Lambretta (stanher-sama

) now i have to find a good joke:
*****************************************************

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

-"Bicycles!"

From: rocketboy on Mon Mar 13 23:04:27 2006. [Full View]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. **
**
**
*Canadians*: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
a
collision.
**
*Americans*: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North
to
avoid a collision.
**
*Canadians*: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the
South to avoid a collision.
**
*Americans*: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR
course.
**
*Canadians*: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
**
*Americans*: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT`S ONE FIVE
DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS
SHIP.
**
*Canadians*: THIS IS A LIGHT HOUSE. YOUR CALL!
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 0:57:43 2006. [Full View]

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as A WIFE***********

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.

11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')

13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.

14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..

16. Her thali weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

17. She is more educated than U but Only BOOKISH Knowledge, Kitaabi kiddi.

18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you..
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 0:58:34 2006. [Full View]

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7, 50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:00:58 2006. [Full View]

At school a classmate told Little Tommy that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother.

He said, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with,

"I know the whole truth."

Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"

Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door.

Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your daddy a big hug."
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:02:36 2006. [Full View]

After finishing MBBS, Dr. Vasoolraja starts his practice.
He checked the first patient's eyes, tongue & ears using a torchlight and finally said, "ok, torchlight vElai seyyudhu."
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:03:15 2006. [Full View]

An anxious husband called the hospital to ask about his wife who was pregnant.

Accidentally, he called the cricket stadium.

He asked, "How are things?"

He died after hearing this reply: "Fine!! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:03:59 2006. [Full View]

25 years ago......

A program was ... a television show

An application was .. for employment

Windows were..... something u hated to clean

A cusor ... used profanity

A keyboard was ...a piano

Memory was..... something u lost with age

A CD was... a bank account

If u unzipped in public u went to jail

Compress was something u did to garbage

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

Log on was adding wood to fire

A backup happened to your toilet

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut.. u did with scissors

paste.. u did with glue

A web was a spiders home

And a virus was the flu!!

.. Times surely have changed
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:05:10 2006. [Full View]

1200 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society
conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised).

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?" (58% of the
hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?" (23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?" (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, Sardarji ?"

Attendee: "I am from Jallandhar."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: " Oh, I thought you said "goat."
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:09:12 2006. [Full View]

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you
go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's
going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and c'rap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"
From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 1:10:43 2006. [Full View]

A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet. "Thanks pal I thought I would never......" he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the seat.

Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the road where the guy lives - he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.

Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car. "Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there's something weird about it"

"Yeah, I know" says the second guy " But I've just pushed it four miles and I really need the rest".

From: NM on Tue Mar 14 1:49:09 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

An anxious husband called the hospital to ask about his wife who was pregnant.

Accidentally, he called the cricket stadium.

He asked, "How are things?"

He died after hearing this reply: "Fine!! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch. And the last one out was a duck."

From: pavalamani pragasam on Tue Mar 14 3:28:23 2006. [Full View]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes the door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers," "..I would do..anything."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you ...study?"
From: Shekhar on Tue Mar 14 6:28:53 2006. [Full View]

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!
From: Arthi on Tue Mar 14 6:57:08 2006. [Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!

India is my country.. I should not laugh 2 much
From: Alan on Tue Mar 14 11:05:06 2006. [Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!

Hehe! How true!
From: Lambretta on Tue Mar 14 11:32:47 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

1200 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society
conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Enna NOV, moderator-aa irunthundu moderator patthi-ey joke-aa?!! U sure seem to be a good sport!
From: Lambretta on Tue Mar 14 11:35:04 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Shekhar wrote:

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!

Hehe! How true!

Yes very true indeed! So wich of the 2 'habits' sound good btw?
From: RP on Tue Mar 14 12:41:32 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as A WIFE***********

18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you..

GREAT
From: RP on Tue Mar 14 12:54:48 2006. [Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut Up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.

The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."
From: RP on Tue Mar 14 12:55:11 2006. [Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut Up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.

The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."

From: Lambretta on Tue Mar 14 13:10:57 2006.

[Full View]

RP wrote:

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut Up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.

The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet." Very Happy

I rem. hearing a similar one w/ 3 ppl. sumbody, nobody & mad (who encounters the policman).....but I find it more hilarious w/ these names instad!

From: RP on Tue Mar 14 13:26:54 2006. [Full View]

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breath analyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
From: Querida on Tue Mar 14 13:32:28 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you ...study?"

I loved this one Madame PP!
From: pavalamani pragasam on Tue Mar 14 13:34:46 2006. [Full View]

Thanx, Q! It is such occassional expressions of good sense that make the going less tough!
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Tue Mar 14 21:53:21 2006. [Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

In America .... you can kiss in public but not piss.

In India ...... you can piss in public but not kiss!!
From: dev on Tue Mar 14 23:19:38 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as A WIFE***********

Nov, enna joke ithu???!!!... I guess U haven't met a South Indian girl lately... I'll make it a point to meet U the next time I come to Malaysia... Just to make U understand what south Indian girls are like these days...

From: Lambretta on Tue Mar 14 23:59:22 2006.

[Full View]

dev wrote:

NOV wrote:

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as A WIFE***********

Nov, enna joke ithu???!!!... I guess U haven't met a South Indian girl lately... I'll make it a point to meet U the next time I come to Malaysia... Just to make U understand what south Indian girls are like these days... Wink

Hmm.....I rem. coming across this joke in a Y! group......Northie Vs. Southie wife......

WEll yea Dev, it may not be entirely true even in case of South Indian girls nowadays

but still it was funny!

From: NOV on Tue Mar 14 23:59:49 2006.

[Full View]

dev wrote:

NOV wrote:

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as A WIFE***********

ayyO naanga mattum ennavaam? vaanaththilirundhaa kudhiththOm?

anyway, it is always good to laugh at ourselves.

From: dev on Wed Mar 15 0:08:42 2006. [Full View]

yeah...sure it's funny... & there still are ppl who are perfect fit for the joke...
From: Querida on Wed Mar 15 1:01:26 2006. [Full View]

on the note of laughing at ourselves...

A Indian government employee is sitting in his office and out of boredom starts looking through his file cabinets and comes across an old oil lamp. He decides to take it home to place it upon his mantle.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and says that he will be granted three wishes.

The man first wishes for a bottle of pepsi,
Poof! His wish comes true! After he chugs the pepsi down, he thinks harder and wishes to be on a island full of beautiful women who adore him.

Poof! He lands on an island full of woman, all eyeing him lustfully.
The man then says "for my last wish, I wish never have to work again"

Poof! He is back in his office.
From: terminator on Wed Mar 15 1:06:07 2006. [Full View]
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 4:55:44 2006. [Full View]

One day when Santa Singh entered into his house he saw his wife in bed with Banta Singh!

He gets very very angry, takes out his shotgun and shoots Banta Singh!

Banta Singh is dead instantly.

His wife screams at Santa, 'Are you crazy! If you behave like this you will lose all your friends!!!'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 4:56:30 2006. [Full View]

Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'

'Ten lakh Rupees!'

'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'

'I bought a house. How about your sack?'

'Bah... it was full of bills.'

'And what did you do with them?'

'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 4:57:08 2006. [Full View]

Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!'

Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 4:57:46 2006. [Full View]

Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything.

Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.

Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!

Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 4:58:54 2006. [Full View]

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'

Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'

'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.

'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?

'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 4:59:37 2006. [Full View]

One Bengali Babu went to Cannought Place in New Delhi to purchase an umbrella. He had been told in Calcutta that one could bargain for better prices in Delhi also. Bengali Baboo: How much does this umbrella cost?

Shopkeeper: Rs. 200

Bengali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 100?

Shopkeeper: Ok I'll give it to you for Rs.150.

Bangali Babu: Well can I have it for Rs. 75 then?

Shopkeeper: OK, take it for Rs. 100.

Bangali Babu: Can I have it for Rs. 50?

Ths shopkeeper is pretty angry now: Why don't you take it for free??!!

Bengali Babu: OK, can I have two of them?
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 5:00:47 2006. [Full View]

Gullu Bhai was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

'What can I do for you?' Gullu politely asked. 'Are you selling something?'

'No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker.'

'A what?'

'A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people there are in India.'

'You're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'
From: NOV on Wed Mar 15 5:01:24 2006. [Full View]

Ghanta Singh was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Ghanta had just bought another large beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: 'I spit in my beer.'

When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:

'I spit in your beer too!'
From: hi on Wed Mar 15 5:16:20 2006. [Full View]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load

of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,

which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again

he asks the little old lady,

" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."
From: terminator on Wed Mar 15 5:36:19 2006. [Full View]

Anjali akka it is already posted in this thread.
From: RP on Wed Mar 15 5:39:42 2006. [Full View]

A Baby will make love stronger,days shorter,nights longer,bank accounts smaller,home happier,clothes shabbier,the past forgotten and the future worth living for.
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Mar 16 3:25:35 2006. [Full View]

This happened in JeddahAirport

One Indian passenger named Anantharaman Subbaraman arrived at Jeddah airport.

He ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name...

Finally, he got fedup and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet. They said that they have been calling him for the last hour and a half ......... were wondering why he hadn't responded!

The reason was made clear when the immigration officer pronounced his name as:
'Anotherman Superman'
From: swathy on Thu Mar 16 3:38:56 2006. [Full View]

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would
hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions ..

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Pass this on to some women who need a laugh..
and to men who can handle it!
From: Arthi on Thu Mar 16 4:25:44 2006. [Full View]

SWATHY:
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Thu Mar 16 4:50:37 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

So you girls marry dwarf male kids

Quote:

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

By looking at idiotic females we have to give stupid looks...no other go

Quote:

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Yeah Men are the Pity human beings who are like the tiles to their family..Rather females who were just watching TV Serials..24 hours!!

Quote:

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would
hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Yeah girls wont care and wont know about Gravitational force theorey.What stuff you can expect from the girls who mug-up and vomit in the exams??

Quote:

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Now he is worrying for his great mistake!! Because He created a life in a reverse way!!

Quote:

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

How can a UFO itself can search for another UFO!!!

Quote:

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

No mind because they marry some UFO's
No buisness because they have to take care of that UFO

Quote:

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions ..

In a desert from whom do you get the direction from camel?....Girls are too smart

Quote:

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

You know what? ladies will turn into an Angel when they drink!! Or Pig now-a days are drinking turns to an angel

Quote:

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

But vehicle wont deliver a baby..

Quote:

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Exactly!! Thats the supernatural power of ladies...

Quote:

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

The worst part EVEN a smart woman can choose only a dump man..I am thinking abt a dump woman??
From: dev on Thu Mar 16 5:57:18 2006. [Full View]

Swathy,

From: Arthi on Thu Mar 16 6:17:15 2006.

[Full View]

Sanguine Sridhar wrote:

Quote:

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

The worst part EVEN a smart woman can choose only a dump man..I am thinking abt a dump woman?? Sad

whom do u mean?

From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Mar 16 7:29:18 2006. [Full View]

swathy's joke is an old one. Nevertheless could not help a smile escaping.

Shridhar,

V.V.V POOR TRY :yawn:
From: Lambretta on Thu Mar 16 9:14:44 2006. [Full View]

Uh-oh.......I'm not really for 'battle of the sexes' type jokes....!
From: selvakumar on Thu Mar 16 9:21:09 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Shridhar,

V.V.V POOR TRY :yawn:

Ya.. coz when we talk about women, we always have a :yawn:

when u people talk about men, we have good coz it is always like

"POT CALLING KETTLE BLACK"

"இயத்த பார்த்து இளித்ததாம் பித்தள"
From: Lambretta on Thu Mar 16 9:32:21 2006. [Full View]

Ingeyum helmet potunda nallathu-nu thonninduku.....I'm used to wearing it daily while riding neways!
From: RP on Thu Mar 16 12:22:11 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

swathy's joke is an old one. Nevertheless could not help a smile escaping.

Shridhar,

V.V.V POOR TRY :yawn:

Atleast he tried!!!Its the effort not the results......Karmanyeva adhikaraste ma phalesu kadachana,
From: swathy on Fri Mar 17 6:40:39 2006. [Full View]

~*~Type Of Girls~*~
HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER

RAM GIRLS:
she forget about you, the moment turn her off
WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun

INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She make horrible thing look beautiful

CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense

VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes,
install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall
her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will
lose everything...
From: Arthi on Fri Mar 17 6:53:14 2006. [Full View]

Hi, swathy enna prayachitthama
From: swathy on Fri Mar 17 6:54:19 2006. [Full View]

Arthi wrote:

Hi, swathy enna prayachitthama
From: selvakumar on Fri Mar 17 8:00:50 2006. [Full View]

I have reached !!

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: August 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby,
From: Alan on Fri Mar 17 9:47:56 2006. [Full View]

IMPACT OF JOB-CHANGE

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years
From: Querida on Fri Mar 17 11:11:23 2006. [Full View]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

*****************************************************
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
*****************************************************
Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.

The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Oh sh*t ..."
From: Alan on Fri Mar 17 23:00:33 2006. [Full View]

The last one is tooo good, Q!
From: dev on Sat Mar 18 0:52:06 2006. [Full View]

swathy wrote:

~*~Type Of Girls~*~
From: Alan on Sat Mar 18 4:00:29 2006. [Full View]

Here is a funny joke about an Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Shekar entered the fourth
grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give meLiberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Shekar, who had his hand up: "Patrick
Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Shekar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Shekar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Shekar, who is
new to our country, knows more! about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded.
Shekar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares
around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Shekar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Shekar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill
Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."
Shekar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy,
2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, "Oh ****, we're f**ked!"
And Shekar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005. "
From: Lambretta on Sat Mar 18 4:31:21 2006. [Full View]

Wow! Amazing chap this Shekar is.....even more than our Hubber Shekhar I daresay?! (kidding! )
Jokes aside, a child prodigy abroad like him sounds like a living proof of the brain drain India's experiencing!
From: RP on Sat Mar 18 12:32:21 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

George Bush, Iraq, 2005. "

GREAT ONE...ALAN
From: Alan on Sat Mar 18 15:15:42 2006. [Full View]

Thanks RP!
From: NOV on Sun Mar 19 0:43:18 2006. [Full View]

Funny public notices

In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE ROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
From: RP on Sun Mar 19 5:32:19 2006. [Full View]

Newly married couple were visiting when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, 'After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy.' Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, 'Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own.
From: RP on Sun Mar 19 5:44:52 2006. [Full View]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect man survived. He's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect woman. Men stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Women keep'a scrollin'...
From: Lambretta on Sun Mar 19 11:25:38 2006. [Full View]

Um....RP, I thot NO-ONE actually is perfect, whether man or woman??
From: RP on Sun Mar 19 12:37:33 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Um....RP, I thot NO-ONE actually is perfect, whether man or woman??

Well actually agree but this was meant to be just a JOKE....no offence meant to any gender!!
From: Lambretta on Sun Mar 19 14:04:01 2006. [Full View]

Ok ok......!
From: NOV on Sun Mar 19 20:35:25 2006. [Full View]

some kadi jokes... please excuse us, non-Tamil folks

nurse: operation theatre-la phone vaika vendamnu sonnane ketingla doctor?
doc: yen?
nurse: eppa athuvum dead ayiduchu

teacher: 5 rupaila 2 ponna, evalavu?
student: 5 rupaila periya ottainu artham sir.

yen teacher antha payanai eppadi adikringa?
Indiavin thesiya paravai ethu keta, 'kosu'ngran.

Ennanga idhu.. ellarum paiyanukku mahalakshmi madhiri ponnu parungannu solluvanga, neenga mattum vendangareengale!
En manaivi peru mahalakshmi, apparam un ishtam...

Doctor: � unga udambula irukkara nooikirumigal saaganumna, indha tonic a kudikkanum..�
Patient: � Doctor.. Naan eppadi kirumikitte �kudi� innu sollaradhu??!�

�En paiyan panna kariyaththala ennala veliya thalai katta mudiyalai..�
�Appadi enna pannan ..?�
�Ennoda wiggai eduthu avan pootukitu poyittan�!

�Enga officela telephone work pannalai..�
� hum Telephoneuma..?�

�Mudi romba kottudhunga..�
� Indha thailaththa thadavunga..�
�Wiggai pottukittu irukkum podhu thadavanuma? Illai, kalatti vetchi verum thalaila thadavanuma..?�

�Military la irukkara unga mamavukku yen thalaila valukkai vilundhuduchchu..?�
�War� rumbodhu mudi kottiduchcham..!�
From: NOV on Sun Mar 19 20:35:46 2006. [Full View]

Erin was having trouble with her computer, so she called Brian,
the computer guy, over to her desk.

Brian clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was
walking away, Erin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression came over Erin's face. "An ID Ten T Error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Brian gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error
before?"

"No," replied Erin.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
She wrote... I D 1 0 T.
From: RedPepper on Sun Mar 19 22:05:11 2006. [Full View]

Bubba and Ray (mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
From: NOV on Sun Mar 19 22:20:24 2006. [Full View]

MORE kadis

STD kku opposite enna?
No coffee da.

Palvalikku mukiyaman kaaranam enna theriyuma?
"Pal"lu than

Patient: Neenga oru "Pal Doctor" a ?
Doctor. Illai Naan " Muppathirendu pallukkum Doctor".

Kamal meesai illama nadichcha muthal padam ethu.?
Kallaththur Kannamma.

Vengaya kadai karangallam sangam vachcha enna per vaippanga.
Onion Union

A newly married girl visits chennai for the first time. She decides to make keerai for her husband and goes to the market and asks the kadakaramma by taking some keerai in her hand "eppadimma keerai".
The seller replies "naan nallaththan keeran. nee eppadi keerai"?
From: Shekhar on Mon Mar 20 0:55:34 2006. [Full View]

Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Anonymous

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
- Anonymous

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer....is,
"What does a woman want?
- Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to
go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash
My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Anonymous

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.

A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get Married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
From: pavalamani pragasam on Mon Mar 20 2:12:42 2006. [Full View]

MARITAL BLISS!!! FOR WHOM???
From: NOV on Mon Mar 20 2:39:47 2006. [Full View]

Kelvi : Enna sir naalu kaal pesittu onnukku kaasu thareengaa
Bathil : Amaampa naalu kaal onnu thaane ..

Unga paiyan cigarette pidikaraane ungalukku theriyumaa ?
Enakku cigarette pudikka theriyaathunga ..

Ennanga oru vaarama thinamum calendar vaangittu vareenga ..
Nee thaane daily calendar vaangittu vaangannu sonna

Utkaara mudiyaatha tharai ethu
Puliyotharai

Sontha ooru ethu ?
Antha alavukku namakku vasathi ileenga sontha veedu thaan irukku

Ulagam urundainnu ethanaala sollarom
Vayaala thaan

Vara vara enakku kanne sariyaa theriya maatenkuthu
Appo annaikku naan thoorathula pogum pothu correctaa ennai
koopiteengale eppadi ?
Pogum pothu thaane .. Enakku vara vara thaane kannu theriyalennu sonnen.

Thalaivarai paakanum
Thalai varai yaara paakanum

Thel solidaa liquidaa
Liquid enna athu kottum

Kadhalan : Unakku entha vasanai pidikkum ?
Kadhali : Pakkathu veetu Srinivasana-i pidikkum
From: NOV on Mon Mar 20 2:47:37 2006. [Full View]

SEQUEL to Shekar's jokes
(never mind that the same list as Shekar's was just posted here last week.....)

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

**********************
Before wedding - She enjoys your looks
After wedding - She enjoys your cheque book

Before wedding - She was your ideal
After wedding - She becomes your ordeal

**********************
At a cocktail party a man was heard to complain : "Every morning 7.30 is the worst time for me, becos' both my wife and the kettle start boiling."

**********************
"My wife has just hired a good looking chauffeur. I am beginning to get a little suspicious becos' we don't have a car."

**********************
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my
life."

**********************
Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in Atlanta.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

**********************
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

**********************
At the cocktail party, one man said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong woman."

**********************
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

**********************
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

**********************
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

**********************
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

**********************
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

**********************
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

**********************
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman peaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

**********************
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

**********************
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

**********************
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

**********************
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

**********************
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

**********************
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

**********************
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

**********************
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

**********************
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

**********************
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
From: NOV on Mon Mar 20 2:49:30 2006. [Full View]

One day I met a friend of mine. He was a salesman for a Cola company, posted in the Middle East. Seeing him back home, I got surprised and asked, "Weren't you supposed to be in Arabia ?"

He gave his account thus. "I got posted in the Middle East. I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through pictures. I made 3 posters

First, A man crawling through the hot desert sand..totally exhausted.

Second, The man is drinking our Cola.

Third, Our man is now totally refreshed."

" Thats a very good ad", I said, "what can there be a problem with it ?"

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that
Arabs read from right to left..."
From: pavalamani pragasam on Mon Mar 20 3:16:55 2006. [Full View]
From: Alan on Mon Mar 20 4:45:41 2006. [Full View]

I'm not sure where to post this so I am putting it here- The moderators are welcome to transfer it into another thread if they may think so-
************************************

Salary & Govt. Concessions for a Member of Parliament (MP)
Monthly Salary : Rs. 12,000
Expense for Constitution per month : Rs.10,000
Office expenditure per month : Rs.14,000

Traveling concession (Rs. 8 per km) : Rs.48,000 (For a visit to Delhi & return: 6000 km)

Daily BATA during parliament meets : Rs.500

Charge for 1 class (A/C) in train : Free (For any number of times)
(All over India )

Charge for Business Class in flights : Free for 40 trips / year
(With wife or P.A.)

Rent for MP hostel at Delhi : Free

Electricity costs at home : Free up to 50,000 units

Local phone call charge : Free up to 1,70,000 calls.

TOTAL expense for a MP per year : Rs. 32,00,000

TOTAL expense for 5 years : Rs. 1,60,00,000

For 534 MPs, the expense for 5 years : Rs. 8,54,40,00,000 (nearly 855 cores)
And they are elected by THE PEOPLE OF INDIA , by the largest democratic process
in the world, not intruded into the parliament on their own or by any qualification.
This is how all our tax money is been swallowed and price hike on our regular commodities.......
Think of the great democracy we have.............

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO ALL CITIZENS OF INDIA.........
From: NOV on Mon Mar 20 4:58:34 2006. [Full View]

nice joke Alan.
From: Shakthiprabha on Mon Mar 20 7:18:22 2006. [Full View]

Ques. 1 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer

A TOMATO....... AND THE TRING TRING TRING WAS TO CONFUSE YOU......

Anyways... Here s one more....
Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer

The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you......

Anyways... Here s one more....

Ques 3 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer

A CAKE .... and both were to confuse you....

Anyways... Here's one more....

Ques 4 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer

A Fire Brigade Obviously...........
And u Thought I was trying to Confuse You ................ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

********
From: Alan on Mon Mar 20 7:21:47 2006. [Full View]

lol!
From: yosh on Mon Mar 20 21:37:21 2006. [Full View]

Enjoy the Interview.

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY

CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?

CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?

CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS

OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER: AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR

OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY

CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR

OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW

CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?

OFFICER : MP !!!

CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?

OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE
From: NOV on Tue Mar 21 0:22:03 2006. [Full View]

Name the four seasons.
Answer: Salt, Pepper, Mustard, vinegar

Use the word �information� in a sentence.
Answer: Geese sometimes fly information.

What is a seizure?
Answer: He was a Roman emperor.

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
Answer: At the bottom

Who invented fractions?
Answer: Henry 1/8th

Who succeeded the first President of USA?
Answer: The second one

Who invented King Arthur�s Round Table?
Answer: Sir Circumference

What is terminal illness?
Answer: When you are sick at the airport.

From: Alan on Tue Mar 21 5:01:00 2006.

[Full View]

yosh wrote:

Enjoy the Interview.

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY

CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?

CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?

CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS

OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER: AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR

OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY

CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR

OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW

CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?

OFFICER : MP !!!

CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?

OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE

From: rami on Tue Mar 21 6:36:53 2006. [Full View]

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.
Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."
From: great on Tue Mar 21 7:50:10 2006. [Full View]

Yosh
From: RP on Tue Mar 21 11:11:47 2006. [Full View]

rami wrote:

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; ."
From: RP on Tue Mar 21 11:14:59 2006. [Full View]

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says "Okay, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Mike"

"And what is your question, Mike?"

"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth -
what happened to Billy?"
From: NOV on Tue Mar 21 22:00:18 2006. [Full View]

20 reasons why men rule the corporate world

1. Women are far too busy doing the housework

2. Men waste less time pee'ing

3. Men don't feel sorry for the company they just took over

4. Women crash the company car far too much

5. If women were allowed in the men's workplace, they'd be too distracted to do any real work

6. Women don't look sexy in suits

7. If women ruled, the shareholders' meeting would bassically be a tea party

8. Women would keep going to the mall in their coffee breaks, spending hundreds of dollars of company money each day.

9. A woman as owner of a company would insist on giving each employee that comes to her pleading for more money because of their poor family an outrageous raise

10. Men don't spend 25% of their life in front of a mirror

11. Placing a women out of their housely confinement causes it to catastrophically group together with others and start chatting like mad

12. Women insist on watching Ricki Lake every day

13. Most women are just stupid, courageless and weak. This is proven by the fact that men order women's food, men ask women for a date and men CARRY the bride over the DOORSTEP. Jeez.

14. The women who aren't stupid are blond and completely useless

15. Women have to be paid while they're off work for pregnancy

16. Coca-Cola light time takes too long

17. Women always rely on unrecogniseable hints to make something clear to someone else

18. Like women always ask the way when they're even SLIGHTLY lost, they would be asking eachother everything all the time at not really get anywhere

19. The world's fine as it is. Don't change a winning team.

20. Women would colour in their reports
From: Querida on Tue Mar 21 23:05:59 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

16. Coca-Cola light time takes too long

what's this one mean?
From: NOV on Tue Mar 21 23:38:19 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

Quote:

16. Coca-Cola light time takes too long

what's this one mean?
the diet version I suppose
From: rami on Wed Mar 22 0:51:38 2006. [Full View]

Haunted Husband

A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"

The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the other way around."
From: Alan on Wed Mar 22 1:42:42 2006. [Full View]

OMG !!!!!!!!! That's hilarious, rami!
From: Alan on Wed Mar 22 7:12:38 2006. [Full View]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying" Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an **!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '**' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an **!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic **' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an **!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ** (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ** too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an **!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two **s to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called ** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an **!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "**, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, **," and hung up.

Then I called ** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, **," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, **, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover! Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.? I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two **s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.k.
From: RP on Wed Mar 22 10:00:59 2006. [Full View]

A mother had three daughters. She asked all three of them to make sure they wrote home after their weddings and tell her about married life.
The first daughter wrote back on the second day after her marriage. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell House Coffee."

Mother was confused but finally noticed an advertisement for Maxwell House Coffee. The advertisement said "Satisfaction to the Last Drop." So, Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message simply read "Rothmans."

So the Mother looked for an advertisement for Rothmans. She found one, and it read "KING SIZE." Mother was happy.

Then it was the third daughter's wedding. Mother was anxious because this time it took four weeks for a message to arrive. When it did the message was simply "British Airways."

Mother was concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers looking for an advertisement for British Airways. Finally, she found one and immediately fainted.

The advertisement said: "Two times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Mar 22 16:41:44 2006. [Full View]

RP,

intha mathiri joke taboo illai ?

nice one though
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Mar 22 16:46:06 2006. [Full View]

alan,

too strong a dose though
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Mar 22 16:51:12 2006. [Full View]

Definition of kiss
-------------------------

Prof .of Economics

Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.

Prof. of Accountancy

Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Algebra

Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry

Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics

Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry

Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology

Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology

Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry

Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Philosophy

Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English

Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Architecture

Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

Prof. of Comp.Science

What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable
From: Badri on Wed Mar 22 21:15:18 2006. [Full View]

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and all on Sunday morning at 11 a.m,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Just when the clock struck 11...

and then......

then.....

then........

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner !!!!!!!!!!
From: NOV on Wed Mar 22 21:43:57 2006. [Full View]

James Bond comes out of British Airways at Chennai, goes to his waiting driver and says "I'm Bond, James Bond. James to you".

For which the driver replies "I'm Subramaniam, Bala Subramaniam. Balls to you..."
From: NOV on Wed Mar 22 21:45:40 2006. [Full View]

Neil Armstrong En romba great?

ellaarum onnukku, rendukku pOvaa.
avar moonukke pOitaar.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 22 22:09:28 2006. [Full View]

The PC's Prayer

Our Program, who art in memory
Hello be thy name
Thy Operating system come,
Thy command be done,
At the printers as they are on the screen
Give us this day our daily data
And forgive us our errors
As we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty
Lead us not into frustration
And deliver us from power surges
For thine is the algorithm, the application and the solution
Looping for ever and ever
Return.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 22 22:10:42 2006. [Full View]

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.
From: NOV on Wed Mar 22 22:16:41 2006. [Full View]

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair.
"I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?".

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"

The husband replied. "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Mar 23 6:59:24 2006. [Full View]

badri,

nov,
From: Lambretta on Thu Mar 23 10:40:09 2006. [Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

RP,

intha mathiri joke taboo illai ?

SP.......intha kaalathile namma mathiri ethhana per nenaikiranguh??!

Badri nice one....& also the James Bond one NOV.....
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Mar 23 11:00:44 2006. [Full View]

lambretta,

From: RP on Thu Mar 23 13:00:01 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Shakthiprabha wrote:

RP,

intha mathiri joke taboo illai ? Very Happy

SP.......intha kaalathile namma mathiri ethhana per nenaikiranguh??! Huh?!

Badri nice one....& also the James Bond one NOV..... Laughing

WELL Lamby and SP

...hopefully this is fine

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”

“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

From: Lambretta on Thu Mar 23 13:06:47 2006. [Full View]

Yea this was good RP!
From: RP on Thu Mar 23 13:21:39 2006. [Full View]

Brain Transplant
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I have bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "RS 5,000 for a male brain, and Rs 200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
From: ssanjinika on Thu Mar 23 13:52:55 2006. [Full View]

RP,
From: NM on Thu Mar 23 17:27:08 2006. [Full View]

Some definitions
1) Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
2) Etc.: A sign to make others believe,you know more than you actually do.
3) Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test..
4) Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's.
5) Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
6) Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
7) Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
8) Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
9) Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
10) Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
11) Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
12) Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage ..
13) Tears: The hydraulic force ! by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .
14) Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
15)Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present...
16) Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidentally falls in a river ...
17) Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
18) College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
19) Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
20) Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
21) Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet"
22) Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
23) Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
From: Badri on Thu Mar 23 19:09:53 2006. [Full View]

Out of Office Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY...

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.
From: Badri on Thu Mar 23 19:15:12 2006. [Full View]

A Sardar, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work in an upmarket colony nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," the owner says.

The Sardar responds, "How about $50?"

The owner says "Fine - there's a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage."

The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation says to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That's a whole day's job."

The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he's dumb?"

"No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those stupid Sardar e-mail jokes we keep receiving."

A short time later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $50. "You've finished already?" the husband asks.

"Yes," he replies, "and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him.

"And by the way," the turbaned guy adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW"
From: hi on Thu Mar 23 21:49:31 2006. [Full View]

Subject: INTEL

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The
gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his
administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was
handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch.
From: Lambretta on Fri Mar 24 10:43:18 2006. [Full View]

Good ones Badri & Hi!!
From: NOV on Fri Mar 24 11:50:52 2006. [Full View]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk
a carton of eggs
2 litres of orange juice
a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said,
Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Mar 24 12:08:00 2006. [Full View]

badri, hi, rp, nm

nov,
From: rocketboy on Fri Mar 24 16:20:19 2006. [Full View]

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE***********

> 1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

> 2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

> 3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

> 4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala,
aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating
all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic
cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

> 5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your
monthly phone bill.

> 6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

> 7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

> 8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

> 9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of
south india until she met you .

> 10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out"

> 11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

> 12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"

> 13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.
From: kanya_kris on Fri Mar 24 16:33:19 2006. [Full View]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
From: kanya_kris on Fri Mar 24 16:58:45 2006. [Full View]

why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
From: RP on Fri Mar 24 23:50:32 2006. [Full View]

Pun of the Day

When the electrican apprentice made mistakes, his mother grounded him.
From: RP on Fri Mar 24 23:56:58 2006. [Full View]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent were probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. They were allowed to go home the same day.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.
From: Querida on Sat Mar 25 22:50:19 2006. [Full View]

RP wouldn't it have to be hooked up to the husband? It's not telepathical is it?

Badri love the office replies!

*****************************************************

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about
other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be
able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to
do it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
From: Querida on Sat Mar 25 23:15:23 2006. [Full View]

NEWS HEADLINES

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Sadness Is No. 1 Reason Men And Women Cry

Check with Doctors before getting sick
From: RP on Sun Mar 26 13:16:49 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

NEWS HEADLINES

Check with Doctors before getting sick

Great Headlines Querida
From: RP on Sun Mar 26 13:24:25 2006. [Full View]

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

1.Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2.Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5.The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7.Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8.Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9.Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

11.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
From: Alan on Sun Mar 26 14:30:06 2006. [Full View]

TOO GOOD, Rp, Querida & kanya_kris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Querida on Sun Mar 26 21:56:09 2006. [Full View]

RP!!! Ummmm wow...someone really has it in for the ladies at that church!
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:22:36 2006. [Full View]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:23:19 2006. [Full View]

Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whiskbroom. The groom broom was aghast!

"How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never swept together!
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:23:56 2006. [Full View]

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:24:21 2006. [Full View]

Three statisticians are out hunting when they see a deer. The first guy shoots and misses, ten feet to the left.

The second guy shoots and also misses, ten feet to the right.

The third statistician starts jumping up and down flailing his arms wildly, screaming, "We got him! We got him!"
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:25:21 2006. [Full View]

A while back, I was speeding along the empty interstate at about 5 AM when an object darted into the road ahead of me. I didn't have time to swerve,but luckily just grazed it as I went by. It made a noise that sounded very much like an "oink.".

I pulled over, got off the bike and walked back to the spot. There, in the middle of the road, was a giant spotted pig, lying on its side. I looked around, but there was nobody within sight to render assistance. As I knelt down to see if it was seriously injured, it opened its eyes, staggered to its feet, and trotted back in the direction from which it had come. I checked the bike, found no damage, and continued on my way.

Three weeks later I received a letter from the clerk of the circuit court. Opening it, I found a summons. Reading the summons, I found that I was being charging with striking livestock with a motor vehicle and leaving the scene of an accident.

I took the summons to my attorney. He read it, and shook his head gravely. "You're in real trouble on this one," he said. "But it was 5 AM and there was nobody else around! How did they even find out about this?" I asked. He looked me in the eye, shook his head, and replied, "The pig must have squealed."
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:26:06 2006. [Full View]

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:26:33 2006. [Full View]

Two rules for life:

1. Don�t tell people everything you know.

2. ...
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:27:30 2006. [Full View]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people

I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
From: NOV on Sun Mar 26 23:28:21 2006. [Full View]

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.

It was a quicksand box.

I was an only child...

Eventually.
From: Querida on Mon Mar 27 1:47:42 2006. [Full View]

Hmmmm NOV-san murders of animals and kids and adults and clones?
***************************************************
A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in Arkansas to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumours about his pig are true.

"Yep," says the farmer. "I got a pig that started squealing real loud
when the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to
safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That's some pig."

"And didn't the pig save your boy from drowning?" asked the reporter.

"Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his
shirt collar. Saved his life," the farmer says, wiping a tear from his
eye.

"Wow, I'd like to see this pig," the reporter says.

"Well, come on over here."

The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the
reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg.

"Why does he have a wooden leg?"

The farmer replies, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

*****************************************************
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

*****************************************************

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in
the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out
standing in their field."
From: Alan on Mon Mar 27 2:41:51 2006. [Full View]

Hmmm.............The jokes aren't really up to NOV's normal standard!
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:27:26 2006. [Full View]

and pray tell me, what are my standards?
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:46:08 2006. [Full View]

Patient goes to doctor complaining of stomach pain.

Once the doctor has examined the patient, he says:
Madam, I am afraid you have "acute appendicitis"....

Oh, says the woman...I am so glad you like it doctor!.
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:46:31 2006. [Full View]

Little Paul asked his elder sister: "Helen, what's a robin?"

"Hmm...some crazy fish, I guess."

"But my book has, ...the robin was hopping from twig to twig!!?"

"Like I told you - absolutely crazy, that fish."
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:47:29 2006. [Full View]

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:51:43 2006. [Full View]

A father of an 18-year old girl gave her a cheque to pass to her mother, who was his ex-wife.

The father said to his daughter: "When you pass this alimony cheque to your mother, tell her that it's the last one. See her face when you say this."

The girl went to her mother, and the mother said :"When you see your father, tell him that he's not your father. And then look at his face!"
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:53:17 2006. [Full View]

A Spanish man goes to the United States, and while he is there, he decides that he needs some new socks. So he goes to a department store, finds a saleslady, and says to her, "Quiero comprar unos calcetines, por favor."

The American lady speaks no Spanish, but she figures he must want to buy something, so she shows him a tie. He tells her, "No, no quiero una corbata, quiero comprar unos calcetines."

All she understands is the "No," so she shows him a pair of pants. He responds, "No, no entiendes. Yo quiero calcetines."

Again all she understands is the "No," so, a little frustrated, she shows him a shirt. A little frustrated himself, he responds, "�No, no, no, y no! Quiero calcetines...para mis pies."

Finally she shows him a pair of socks. Relieved and happy, he exclaims, "�Eso s� que es!"

To which she responds, "Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you say so?!!"
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:56:51 2006. [Full View]

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer. - Hannah, age 9

Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, age 13

Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, age 13

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, age 11

Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, age 14

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, age 12

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, age 15

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, age 13
From: NOV on Mon Mar 27 3:59:17 2006. [Full View]

An old man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large backyard, fixed rather comfortably with picnic tables, a horseshoe court, a big pond, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and had been built for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket so he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, and said, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked, or to try to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
From: Alan on Mon Mar 27 11:25:51 2006. [Full View]

Good ones, this time, NOV! I love the kiddies' Quotes....so cute!
From: Shekhar on Tue Mar 28 0:28:15 2006. [Full View]

A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
From: Shekhar on Tue Mar 28 1:04:41 2006. [Full View]

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
From: Alan on Tue Mar 28 10:22:02 2006. [Full View]

good ones, Sheikh!
From: Alan on Tue Mar 28 12:10:38 2006. [Full View]

Top 21 things an Indian does after returning to India from the "US". Good
One!

21. Tries to use credit cards in a road side hotel.

20 . Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of being health
conscious.

19 . Sprays deo so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, he will say Seven Oh Four Instead of
Seven Zero Four)

16. Doesn't forget to crib about the air pollution. Keeps cribbing every
time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in
Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep
inside multiplies by 43).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When he needs to say Z (zed), he never says Z (Zed), instead repeats
"Zee" several times,
and if the other person is unable to get it, then says X, Y Zee(but never
says Zed)

11 . Writes the date in MM/DD/YYYY. On watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY,
says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and the Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8 . Avoids eating spicy food.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke. Eats Pizza instead
of Dosa.

6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it
for the first time.
Asks questions etc. about India as though its his first visit to India .

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards any Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important ones:

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of the Airways by
which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India and tries to roll
the bag on Indian Roads.

The Ultimate one

1. Tries to begin any conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in
US..."

__________________________________________________
From: RP on Tue Mar 28 13:06:50 2006. [Full View]

Good ones ALAN ......................................

......................................................

GOOD ONES Alan

From: dev on Tue Mar 28 22:04:10 2006.

[Full View]

Alan wrote:

Top 21 things an Indian does after returning to India from the "US". Good
One!
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

__________________________________________________

Hmmm... Though I've not been in US for long,I too do these...

From: NOV on Wed Mar 29 0:37:21 2006. [Full View]

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan

Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I�m Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It�s urgent.

Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what�s this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn�t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don�t have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori : Im Sori.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori : Im Sori!!

Lee Sum Wan : I don�t like your tone of voice Mr and I don�t care, give me your name!

Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already I�m Sori! Im Sori!! I�m SORI!!! You didn�t even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan : I told u before I�m Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the co. He is Noe Buddy.

Mr Sori : Oh I�m so scared (sarcastically). Look I don�t care about your uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.

Lee Sum Wan : No Avery Buddy just married my uncle. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.

Mr Sori : Like I said I don�t care which one of your aunt screws everybody and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!

Mr. Sori : I don�t know which one is your sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if I�m feeling mischevious I�ll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyone�s brother just got involved in an accident.
But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if you're their uncle, you're a nobody. "How bout that!?
From: NM on Wed Mar 29 0:44:34 2006. [Full View]

NOV : ithuthaan anth pakkam sonna 'work'-a??
From: NOV on Wed Mar 29 4:18:16 2006. [Full View]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy,Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
From: Alan on Wed Mar 29 4:26:22 2006. [Full View]

Niceone, Nov!
From: Shakthiprabha on Wed Mar 29 8:41:39 2006. [Full View]

Driving Styles ...
One hand on steering wheel,one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel,one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel,one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on brake,
eyes on females in the next car,
- Welcome to INDIA
From: ssanjinika on Wed Mar 29 12:26:34 2006. [Full View]

SP.
From: Nerd on Wed Mar 29 18:18:02 2006. [Full View]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. T

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
From: ssanjinika on Wed Mar 29 18:42:49 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

[tscii]Lee Sum Wan : Hello can I speak to Annie Wan

but when jokes like this come up I always wonder why they dont spell the name
From: rocketboy on Wed Mar 29 22:15:37 2006. [Full View]

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/comics.php

From: Alan on Wed Mar 29 23:18:09 2006.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Driving Styles ...
One hand on steering wheel,one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel,one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel,one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk
to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on brake,
eyes on females in the next car,
- Welcome to INDIA

LOL!!!!!

From: Alan on Wed Mar 29 23:20:47 2006.

[Full View]

Nerd wrote:

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. T

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

I've heard this before but still good!

From: hi on Thu Mar 30 21:51:47 2006. [Full View]

Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,

"Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mallika Sherawat. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mallika Sherawat, You would have come up with Bipasha Basu. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mallika Sherawat."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"

So Woman/ Girls, Please, at least try to Understand Men/Boys.
From: dev on Thu Mar 30 22:02:29 2006. [Full View]
From: Badri on Thu Mar 30 23:40:54 2006. [Full View]

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer (must be a SAFE Sport then!)

This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL (I get the point!)

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian (how did he manage to do that?)

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach (heights of lexicographic sorting!!)

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach (hey, isn't that double talk?)

The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate (did any one vote for this guy??)

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer (how exiting!!)

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman (no auto-pilot mode, eh?)

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles De Gaulle, former French President (and we thought they were all French!)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield (strange indeed!)

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. (so, do u plead guilty or innocent?)

"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games." - David Garcia, baseball team manager (well, it sure does add up!)

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something." - Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated (gud thing u stuck to basket ball!!)

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player (realized Soul!! Our Father who art in Heaven, indeed!)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery (ahem, as opposed to what?)

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota. (me is stumped!)

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding." - Mickey Rivers, baseball player (guess Sports and Academics just don't mix!!)

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series. (no comments!)

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them." - George Bush, former US President (again, no comments!)

and the Oscar goes to ...

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London (like father like son)
From: Alan on Fri Mar 31 3:24:14 2006. [Full View]

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on to someone who kneads it.
From: Alan on Fri Mar 31 3:25:20 2006. [Full View]

pressed it thrice bymistake
From: Alan on Fri Mar 31 3:28:20 2006. [Full View]

oppop
From: swathy on Fri Mar 31 3:52:51 2006. [Full View]

The manager of a investigating agency was looking for a personal deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the manager drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant,
but she's right." "What two days of the week start with
the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct
answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then
thought really hard for a minute and finally
admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on
that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where
her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already
working on a murder case!"
From: Lambretta on Fri Mar 31 7:40:49 2006. [Full View]

Gud one Swathy!
And cute avtaar too! If only he had CHUBBIER cheeks SP wud've fought for him I reckon!
From: dev on Fri Mar 31 8:39:07 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Gud one Swathy!
And cute avtaar too! If only he had CHUBBIER cheeks SP wud've fought for him I reckon!
From: Alan on Sat Apr 1 14:38:19 2006. [Full View]

Subject: EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some
crap...Delicious!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're
the best! I'll wag
my tail in joy.
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off
the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be
true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed!
Life is
soooooooo
great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my
contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me
going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
vomited on the
floor..

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their
feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made
condescending comments about what a ''good little
hunter'' I am. The
audacity!! There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to my power of
"allergies." I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was
walking. I must try
this
again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs. I am
convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives
special privileges. He is regularly released--and he
seems more than
willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The
bird has got to be
an
informant -- I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I
am
certain that he reports my every move. The captors
have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he
is safe-- for
now.
From: Querida on Sat Apr 1 23:49:19 2006. [Full View]

Hey all, I know it's a bit late for it but Happy April Fool's Day!
****************************************************

10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl Scout cookies.

9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes for play-doh.

8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.

7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000 servings of macaroni and cheese.

6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least three children's show theme songs a day.

5. The average parent can take construction paper, glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.

4. The average parent can produce from their pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and a Barbie shoe at any given time.

3. The average parent has at least one child induced stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.

2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.

1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means," I have just decorated your new headboard/ carpet/dress/suit with all your makeup."
From: RP on Sun Apr 2 11:48:34 2006. [Full View]

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils!!!
From: Querida on Sun Apr 2 15:33:33 2006. [Full View]

RP haha!

I tried to find some new one-liners to share so enjoy:
***************************************************
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.

If Barbie (doll) is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you drink, don't park Accidents cause people

Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?

LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools

On the other hand, you have different fingers

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you

If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way
From: Badri on Sun Apr 2 21:02:29 2006. [Full View]

Roger wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Roger looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Roger asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, Roger asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you shouted, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
From: NOV on Sun Apr 2 21:18:01 2006. [Full View]

an antidote to your story bad...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment,then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door,stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
From: NOV on Sun Apr 2 21:20:57 2006. [Full View]

Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that's the case, I'd like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it's all downhill from here?

I remember the first time my wife and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, "Fancy a game of chess while you're waiting?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

From: dev on Sun Apr 2 21:49:55 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that's the case, I'd like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it's all downhill from here?

From: NM on Sun Apr 2 23:08:56 2006. [Full View]

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an imagination) Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
From: dev on Sun Apr 2 23:19:39 2006. [Full View]

@NM
From: swathy on Mon Apr 3 3:13:27 2006. [Full View]

Kids are tooo smart
From: hi on Mon Apr 3 5:49:26 2006. [Full View]

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a BC. In England, a BC commonly stands for "Bathroom Commode". So she wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the "BC". The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of "BC". Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Baptist Church" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the BC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there a re many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest
to you that my daughter was married in the BC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The School Master
From: Alan on Mon Apr 3 11:56:37 2006. [Full View]

LOL! Too good, hi!
From: Badri on Mon Apr 3 19:57:43 2006. [Full View]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at
you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door
for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and
then say,"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says, "You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am
very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband
That's demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and before you
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
she turns her face towards you --- She is your wife !
That's competition eating into your market share
From: Surya on Mon Apr 3 20:37:12 2006. [Full View]

NICE!!!
From: Querida on Mon Apr 3 22:06:50 2006. [Full View]

Badri
I vote for more customer feedback
From: NM on Mon Apr 3 22:15:08 2006. [Full View]

@ HI and Badri!
I too vote for customer feedback. That's soooper!
From: Shekhar on Tue Apr 4 7:50:08 2006. [Full View]

Types of Undergarments

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 4 9:19:00 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

Badri
I vote for more customer feedback

Boy, do u scare me!
But hey, tats actually a good quality!

Shekhar- Trust u to come up w. sumthing like TAT!
From: selvakumar on Tue Apr 4 9:28:48 2006. [Full View]

@ Shekhar, Lambretta

Nowadays We have to careful and must possess some basic knowledge in identifying the Baptist and Army types
From: selvakumar on Tue Apr 4 9:34:01 2006. [Full View]

Inspired from Badri's post:
-------------------------

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and without saying , "I'm
rich. Marry me" you place on her cold,wet lips yours". She gives you a nice one inturn.
That's Customer Satisfaction & Feedback!!!!!
From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 4 9:42:37 2006. [Full View]

selvakumar wrote:

Nowadays We have to careful and must possess some basic knowledge in identifying the Baptist and Army types

Um.....yea, Selva macha!
Neways, here's one joke tat honours techies like u!

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from Pune to Mumbai.

So they both gather at Pune Station.

Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..

Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......

When TC arrives,

All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand comes out showing the ticket and the TC goes away satisfied.

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger train till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE.

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are smart"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket, Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!

All Doctors in one toilet, All Engineers in the opposite one.....

One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes out with the ticket, he grabs the ticket and returns to Engg. toilet.

TC arrives & discovers the doctors w/out ticket & drives out all the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA):

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now both the groups r at LONAVALA station. Doctors are planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...

SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets.....

Doctors still keep searching for a toilet in the LOCAL train.......

Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses, don't mess with them!
From: selvakumar on Tue Apr 4 9:48:16 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta machan, Nice one indeed

Doctors must be extra-cautious in dealing with techies like DADA
From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 4 9:50:33 2006. [Full View]

Tks Dada (yea forgot tat u hav tat title! )
From: great on Tue Apr 4 11:09:32 2006. [Full View]

A collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu
(made during his commentary of the cricket matches):

1. That ball went so high it could have got an
airhostess down with it.

2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India,
but it's that of an incoming train which will run them
over.

3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when
& gt; you are bald.

5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian
taximeter.

7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way
they will turn!

8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a
lot of petrol but cannot go beyond 30!

9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me
tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in
the whole world, which does not have wings!

10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

11. The ball whizzes past like a bumblebee and the
Indians are in the sea.

12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a
haystack.

13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a
topless bar!

15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the
cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..! One
falls and everything else falls!

16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss
without a Squeeze.

17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a
goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to
Manchester United.

19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first
two bites too.

20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect
to score a six.

22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a
puncture or two.

24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or
losing your pants.

25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming
youth.

27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does! A
hard-boiled egg.

28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking
competition.

29. The third umpires should be changed as often as
nappies and for the same reason.

30. The world is all about mind and matter, I don't
mind and U don't matter...

31. In London they drive on the left, in India we
drive on what is left!

Howzzzzaaattttttt!!!!!
From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 4 11:18:24 2006. [Full View]

great wrote:

31. In London they drive on the left, in India we
drive on what is left!

This one's been proved to be too true, far from a joke!!
From: rocketboy on Tue Apr 4 22:01:20 2006. [Full View]

http://www.vamsisend.co.nr/bewarenew.swf

From: Alan on Wed Apr 5 5:36:52 2006.

[Full View]

Shekhar wrote:

Types of Undergarments

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

Oh Sheikh , u r inimitable!

From: sgokulprathap on Wed Apr 5 6:05:20 2006. [Full View]

Liar Lawyer:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
From: dev on Wed Apr 5 7:51:07 2006. [Full View]

@Shekhar & great
From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 5 15:02:11 2006. [Full View]

Here's how & why communication skills play an important role!

Check out these leave letter applications:

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" (tonsure) ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare today holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
" I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'. As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post."
From: swathy on Thu Apr 6 7:38:34 2006. [Full View]

STRATEGIC PLANNING - Effective Organisational Structures

HOW TO PUT THE RIGHT PEOPLE IN THE RIGHT ROLES

1. Put 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
2. Send a group of candidates in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, then analyse the situation:

If they are counting the bricks -
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them -
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks -
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order -
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other -
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping -
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces -
Put them in information technology -
If they are sitting idle -
Put them in human resources
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved -
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day -
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window -
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least:
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved -

Congratulate them and put them in top management
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 6 11:05:54 2006. [Full View]

Bawundhi, Swathy!
From: Shakthiprabha on Thu Apr 6 11:26:11 2006. [Full View]

Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?

jab koi ladki shadi se pahle pregnant ho,
Aur uski maa bole "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE KYA KIYA?"

What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE -

In both caseS you feel "aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta"
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 6 11:39:41 2006. [Full View]

Nice one SP!!
From: Alan on Thu Apr 6 11:41:43 2006. [Full View]

Great ones Swathy & Shakthi mam
From: Querida on Thu Apr 6 22:04:59 2006. [Full View]

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man
to show the girls how much effort was required.

So he took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
From: Badri on Thu Apr 6 23:29:52 2006. [Full View]

Q!!!!

What a practical way to get discipline!!!

From: Arthi on Fri Apr 7 0:10:24 2006.

[Full View]

Shakthiprabha wrote:

Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?

jab koi ladki shadi se pahle pregnant ho,
Aur uski maa bole "HEY BHAGWAN YE TUNE KYA KIYA?"

What's the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE -

In both caseS you feel "aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta"

From: Lambretta on Fri Apr 7 2:34:29 2006.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
So he took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

From: rachel on Fri Apr 7 2:43:48 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Querida wrote:

From: Lambretta on Fri Apr 7 2:52:06 2006. [Full View]

Rachel,
Yehtuku avolo shock agarenguh?? Surely u didnt hav ne experience like one of these girls??
From: Shakthiprabha on Fri Apr 7 6:15:09 2006. [Full View]

oh god!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Arthi on Fri Apr 7 7:44:52 2006. [Full View]

Thathuvam #1
Train yenna thaan fasta ponnalum ,
Train ode kadaisee potti kadaiseeya thaan varum!

Thathuvam #2

Bus poita bus stand angayae thaan irukum
aana cycle poita cycle 'stand' koodavae poogum!

Thathuvam #3

Cellula balance illana call ----- mudiyathu....
Aaana....
Manushanukku call illana,
Balance ----- mudiyathu....

Thathuvam #4

Vaayala "naai"-nu solla mudiyum
Aaana....
Naayaala "Vaai"-nu solla mudiyuma??? Think !!!

Thathuvam #5

Poison 10 naal aana payasam aaha mudiyaadhu
But, payasam 10 naal aana poison aahidum!
From: RP on Fri Apr 7 13:01:32 2006. [Full View]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of Rs1,25,0000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Querida on Fri Apr 7 15:53:37 2006. [Full View]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
From: ssanjinika on Fri Apr 7 16:45:18 2006. [Full View]

Q
Ive heard that before but it was funny still.
From: Lambretta on Sat Apr 8 4:30:11 2006. [Full View]

Good one, Que!
From: RP on Sun Apr 9 13:10:38 2006. [Full View]

Gopi and Ramu were out cutting wood, and Ramu accidentally cut his arm off. Gopi wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Ramu to a surgeon.
The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours."
So Gopi left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Ramu is down at the movies." Gopi went to the movies and there was Ramu, clapping at the screen.
A few weeks later, Gopi and Ramu were cutting wood again, and Ramu cut his leg off. Gopi put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Ramu back to the surgeon.
The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours."
Gopi left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Ramu's down at the soccer field." Gopi went down to the soccer field and there was Ramu, kicking goals.
A few weeks later, Ramu had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Gopi put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Ramu to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."
So Gopi left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Ramu died."
Gopi said "I understand - heads are tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Ramu suffocated in that plastic bag."
From: hi on Tue Apr 11 0:43:51 2006. [Full View]

Snappy Comeback Lines

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?"
From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 11 3:59:15 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

So he took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

oh!!! ugh!

From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 11 4:06:59 2006.

[Full View]

hi wrote:

Snappy Comeback Lines

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

like these better than the others, though found all of them funny.

esp like the one abt holding your hand! real nice!

From: Querida on Tue Apr 11 15:16:07 2006. [Full View]

uh oh...do admissions of disgust at my mirror joke come from experience???
*****************************************************

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Geez, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

*****************************************************
These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.
Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead *****************************************************
From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 11 15:35:58 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

uh oh...do admissions of disgust at my mirror joke come from experience???
*****************************************************

no! one doesn't have to have the experience to be disgusted!
From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 11 15:38:16 2006. [Full View]

can't believe that teachers actually made those comments! but very amusing.
From: swathy on Tue Apr 11 23:30:09 2006. [Full View]

Life Time Clips of T.Rajendar

- The famous 'Vaada Yen Machi Vazhaka Bhaji' fight sequence. Song, Lyrics, Fight, Dance and Music everything is T.R's.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=VUisOulNCBA

- T.R gives definition for each variety of Tea to his enemy during a fight sequence

http://youtube.com/watch?v=P40-Rxnl1Ac

- T.R's sad sentimental dialogues. Will bring tears from your eyes due to over laughter. He relates wet torn clothes to life of men and women

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bur8CZ_t1gY

- T.R's special Karate style to fight with his enemies

http://youtube.com/watch?v=QJTBlxH5zNs

- T.R combines his dialogues during his fight. No doubt why the bad man hits his head against the trees

http://youtube.com/watch?v=axkYmvvO8g4
From: NOV on Wed Apr 12 9:51:05 2006. [Full View]

A concert featuring top saxophonist Kadri Gopinath and esteemed violinist Kunnakudi Vaidhyanathan was cancelled recently.

Apparently the government refused to allow the concert as it felt the concert would contain too much sax and violins.
From: NOV on Wed Apr 12 10:41:05 2006. [Full View]

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from theheart!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Hello To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don't have female,
If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart...when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shekhar ~*~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state
she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so
easy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

she should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated.

(Ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Because friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ......hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one gal she care me and love me lot lot lot

(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife should be as 'Shivani' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT......

(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain't he?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast

(by not wearing her jeans? Wat the hell...)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I M LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE
1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this she would be called the woman of the lamp

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this boy wants)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love thepatner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the "ok syndrome" again)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent.
iam doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my name is muhamad and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey.
IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful.
but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR.
bye bye.

(uttama purushan)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.

(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i
divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service

(Zebra..???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

to be married on jan-2006. working woman perferable

(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a
bride.I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure.
because girl is the maharani.

(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.

(Any takers again?)
From: dsath on Wed Apr 12 10:52:48 2006. [Full View]

The comments were the best bits.
From: Fire111999 on Wed Apr 12 10:59:39 2006. [Full View]

oh! couldn't stop laughing the whole time, or should i say loughing.
From: Alan on Wed Apr 12 13:11:19 2006. [Full View]

Good Lord!!!!!! Nice one, NOV!
From: Querida on Wed Apr 12 14:09:57 2006. [Full View]

Swathy that was so hi-larious

NOV-san that wasn't nice putting Shekhar's post up like that
From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Apr 12 15:14:53 2006. [Full View]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot

right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your
lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and
knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened
the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank
you. You see,

I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for
a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant
three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out,

"I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a
long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants
in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,
burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your
wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years,
my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, "You
know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the
woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun,
the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
From: Prabhu Ram on Wed Apr 12 15:50:32 2006. [Full View]

SS wrote:

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Good one
From: Querida on Thu Apr 13 13:35:10 2006. [Full View]

awwww fire it's just a joke...you hear you either laff or groan and then forget it if you'd like

I've heard this one before....except the genie says this to the man instead of the woman

*****************************************************
alright just for Fire some just clean, silly jokes

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy!
From: Querida on Thu Apr 13 14:23:00 2006. [Full View]

AIYO everyone seems to have a case of dramatics today (including me) the drama-queen hater!
*****************************************************
what dreary tamil new year here today.
-----------------------------------------------
"new years resolutions....these days "

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from movie sites *

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 13 14:40:18 2006. [Full View]

Prabhu Ram wrote:

SS wrote:

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Good one

Hmm.....yea, serves them both right for not growing up!
From: ssanjinika on Thu Apr 13 16:32:32 2006. [Full View]

@ Sri
Q those lines have come in so many different forms but still they never fail to raise a laugh from me .
From: Shakthiprabha on Sat Apr 15 14:12:00 2006. [Full View]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................
From: Chappani on Sun Apr 16 9:01:09 2006. [Full View]

good one Shakti
From: NOV on Sun Apr 16 21:22:13 2006. [Full View]

If Men REALLY Ruled the World...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.(Or to the crooks.)

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
From: NOV on Sun Apr 16 21:23:12 2006. [Full View]

Like a lot of married men, I got the "You just don't appreciate me" speech once from my girlfriend.

I promised to treat her royally for the remainder of the day. I took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert.
From: NOV on Sun Apr 16 21:28:02 2006. [Full View]

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You *******!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned *******!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that *******, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
From: hi on Sun Apr 16 22:20:07 2006. [Full View]

North Indian Girl Vs South Indian Girl

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE***********

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie

theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating

all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she

applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or

cooking yourself.

8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "! walk out"

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE***********

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract

coconutoil from her hair.)

5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

7. He! r first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.

9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without lookin! g too uncomfortable

while you are melting in your singlet.

10. She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.

11. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

12. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')

13. She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.

14. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

15. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..

16. Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

17. She is more educated than you.

18. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you..

So be a bachelor and enjoy the life ...
From: NOV on Sun Apr 16 22:57:11 2006. [Full View]

hi wrote:

So be a bachelor and enjoy the life ...
errrrr... Someone Special, please take note...
From: sgokulprathap on Wed Apr 19 4:50:31 2006. [Full View]

Top 10 Sardar Inventions !

1. Water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat on a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

11. Fat-free butter

12. Vegetarian chicken
From: sgokulprathap on Wed Apr 19 4:54:29 2006. [Full View]

Here's one for you if you're bored:

Search for "failure" on Google; check the first hit listed.
From: NM on Wed Apr 19 5:57:10 2006. [Full View]

HI :
From: Arthi on Wed Apr 19 6:51:24 2006. [Full View]

Sister
Gokul ( my sardarji friend is staring @ me
From: sgokulprathap on Wed Apr 19 7:14:02 2006. [Full View]

Sardar @ his best:

Sardar - Why r all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife - It seems Husband & Wife are not allowed to be together in heaven...
Sardar - Yes, that's why it's called heaven..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man: Sardarji, where were you born?
Sardarji: PUNJAB.
Man: Which Part?
Sardarji: Oye!Part part kya kar raha hai,whole body born in Punjab.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Day Sardar's Girlfriend asks him,
Girlfriend: "Darling,on our Engagement will you give me a RING?"
Sardar: "Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Teacher told all Students in a class to write as essay on a Cricket Match. All were busy in writing except one Sardar.
He Wrote as "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sardar was Standing in front of the Mirror with his eyes closed.
Wife - What do you think you are doing?
Sardar - I just want to know how i look when i sleep.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed Apr 19 7:21:52 2006. [Full View]

Engineers vs Doctors:

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.
All of them gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :
---------------------------------------
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......
When TC arrives,
All 7 Engineers get in one toilet So when TC knocks , one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away....

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL TRAIN to PUNE.

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :
---------------------------------------------
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal".
All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!
TC arrives....
ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.
ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE.
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg. bathroom.
TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA) :
-----------------------------------------
So now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local train to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same(1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
So TC Comes.
All Engineers showed their tickets.....
Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train...........

Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses, don't mess with Engineers.
From: rami on Wed Apr 19 7:53:46 2006. [Full View]

Silly Ads In The News ~ Take A Look

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.
References required

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
From: ts on Wed Apr 19 8:12:01 2006. [Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Top 10 Sardar Inventions !

12. Vegetarian chicken

This one is not quite a "sardari" invention.

The chicken was actually a vegetarian (Diet includes Rice/wheat/millets/cereals - Strictly no worms/insects)

From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 20 0:35:32 2006.

[Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Engineers vs Doctors:

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.
All of them gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.........

Hey, Ithu anniyayam pa!

I'd posted this very joke here only recently!

In this page:
http://forumhub.mayyam.com/hub/viewtopic.php?t=4723&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=930

From: sgokulprathap on Thu Apr 20 0:50:12 2006. [Full View]

Sorry Lambretta,
I din't notice it.
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 20 0:58:12 2006. [Full View]

*digr
SGP, ok nvr mind.......!
From: Hulkster on Thu Apr 20 1:33:21 2006. [Full View]

Here is one joke...the son here is studying but soon loses concentration and plays games...the father approaches him

Appa: Yaen da padikamal game vilaiyaadurae?
Son: Naan enimel padikka mattein pa
Appa: Yaen da eppadi sollurae
Son: Padichaal naan ungalai vida buthisaaliya aagi viduvaen..namma kudumbam maanam kapaathanum..athaan padikalae
Appa: ...pesamal keikamalae irunthirukkalam
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 20 4:58:30 2006. [Full View]

Good one, hulk!
Btw, idhu enna kadi joke aa?
From: Hulkster on Thu Apr 20 5:56:27 2006. [Full View]

Sort of pa
From: Querida on Fri Apr 21 21:52:08 2006. [Full View]

that was cute Hulkster, read that in a comic in the thamil paper once.
*****************************************************

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He didn't move for a half-an-hour.

Then this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank every it all down.

The poor man started crying, The truck driver turned and said, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I had left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener.

I left home depressed and came to this bar.

And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison..."
From: Hulkster on Sat Apr 22 2:29:46 2006. [Full View]

....My friends send me a email once...theres also a hidden moral saying that no matter what happens...move on in your life...in this casr god saved him by sending a dubukku to drink his poison...
From: terminator on Sat Apr 22 6:17:17 2006. [Full View]

Question : You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2
Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything
else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will
become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

another deadly answer. Scroll down a little

.
.
.
.
.

Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win
Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)

"TIP TIP barsa Pani.

Pani ne aag lagayee."

us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".
.
.
.
.
.
.

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down

Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega"

Searching for me.....I am also searching for the person who sent it to
me!!!
From: Fire111999 on Sat Apr 22 7:39:30 2006. [Full View]

but is it possible for u to translate the 2nd ans? or perhaps just explain (cos i think there is sth to do with sounding alike and u can't translate that)
From: Braandan on Sat Apr 22 21:42:36 2006. [Full View]

To Fire111999,
"Catches win matches" is an expression used in cricket. Hope you must be knowing it.
"Tip Tip barsa Paani" is a starting line of a Hindi film song. It says that from the water dropping tip-tip fire started..
When somebody become jealous they are described as "Jalne laga".. catch fire with jealousy is a Hindi idiom.
From: Querida on Sat Apr 22 23:48:49 2006. [Full View]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Bubba.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
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WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
From: Hulkster on Sun Apr 23 0:41:10 2006. [Full View]

...I belive the pregnancy part means bloated stomach...in that case it proves men can get pregnant..except they house bloated intestines.

I do not know about this but i saw this road sign in the borders of pakistan saying this "Make love not war".

From: Fire111999 on Sun Apr 23 4:18:30 2006.

[Full View]

Braandan wrote:

To Fire111999,
"Catches win matches" is an expression used in cricket. Hope you must be knowing it.
"Tip Tip barsa Paani" is a starting line of a Hindi film song. It says that from the water dropping tip-tip fire started..
When somebody become jealous they are described as "Jalne laga".. catch fire with jealousy is a Hindi idiom.

thanks.

From: terminator on Sun Apr 23 5:11:40 2006. [Full View]

Sardarji's Jokes

Conductor in a BUS shouted...

"full pant full ticket.... half pant half ticket"

A sardarji in the bus immediately removed his pants and says

" No pant no ticket "

****************************************

Two Sardars oru shopping complexla BOMB vaikka carla poittu irukkaanga...

One Sardar asked a doubt to the other that what would we do if the bomb blasted in the car itself.

The other replied, I am not fool, I have one more bomb in the Car's back.
From: Lambretta on Sun Apr 23 5:17:50 2006. [Full View]

terminator wrote:

Conductor in a BUS shouted...

"full pant full ticket.... half pant half ticket"

A sardarji in the bus immediately removed his pants and says

" No pant no ticket "

(No offence to our Sardar friend I hope!)

Btw, no pant no ticket-na ladies ku kudava (atleast Saree/chdidaar-clad?)..
From: Hulkster on Sun Apr 23 9:08:43 2006. [Full View]

Yaen pa sardar manushangalai eppadi disturb pennuraenge...yerkanavae kanda kanda jokes solli nonthu poirukaanga..ithulae intha mathiri jokes vereiya?...anyway joke nalla irunthichi.....yeppa Lamby eppadi ellam ninaikalama?....if he had said a female sadarji did that engae irukira attanai ponnungalum terminator melae women defamation case pothiduvaanga...approm womens organisation avarakku yethira protest naduthuvaanga....kushboo chastity casevoda mosama aayidum...enimel intha mathiri ninaikathaenge...rombo dangerous.
From: NOV on Sun Apr 23 21:28:40 2006. [Full View]

Men have their faults.Women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they do.

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I will never forget that game of cards...

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled," the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "harass" is two words.

Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

One day on the golf course a foursome was ready to tee off when a funeral procession was seen approaching. One member of the foursome took his hat off and bowed his head as the cars and hearse drove by. Another of the golfers said to him, "Well, that was very nice and respectful of you to do that." "Well," he replied, "I was married to her for twenty years."

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that? "Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

What does a woman make best for dinner? Reservations.

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...."

Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!

Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?
From: Hulkster on Sun Apr 23 21:45:25 2006. [Full View]

Nice 1 Nov sir..ellamae wives pathi irukira joke mathiri irukku..pathiram pa..future pondadi kilichi veika poraanga....

Adding to your list of wives joke...here is another list of them.

A man puts on three rings for his marriage...first the engagement ring, next the wedding ring and third the suffering.

A man is not yet complete before his marriage, after that he is finished.

Before marriage the man talks and the wife has to listen...after marriage the wife talks and the man has to listen.

A successful man is someone who is wealthy and powerful in the society...a successful woman is someone who can marry such a man.
From: Querida on Mon Apr 24 0:25:19 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster are you punishing NOV-san with two mother-in-laws?
*****************************************************

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
From: NOV on Mon Apr 24 0:36:27 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

Hulkster are you punishing NOV-san with two mother-in-laws?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- A husband is looking for a rambam and asks his wife:
-Have you seen our pazhaya rambam?
Mother-in-law replies from the kitchen:
-Even if I am rambam, I am not old yet.

-My wife's mother is the model mother-in-law.
-What do you mean?
-There is no joke in the entire world which is not suitable for her.

- My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
- How is she now ?
- She's fine. But, the dog died.

- Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pond which has some crocodiles into.
- The crocodiles are yours, so you'll have to save them.

A pharmacist tell a customer.
- In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

Mother to daughter.
- Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.

A man was standing on the corner of an intersection watching a funeral procession pass by, when suddenly he was struck by an unusual sight: behind the hearse followed a man leading a goat on a rope, who in turn was closely trailed by a line of young men. Approaching the man with a goat, the bystander inquired:
- Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following?
- Well, you see, the man answered, "the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from the behind by this goat and killed instantly."
- Really! the bystander said eagerly. "Think I might borrow the goat for a day or so?"
- Sure, responded the man, "but you'll have to go to the back like everyone else".
From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 0:49:14 2006. [Full View]

...enna kodumai NOV sir ithu......mother-in-law pathi evala periya jokesa..and i thought kolangal serial was funny.

Querida no nothing of that sort...i was just helping him with more more jokes about wives..

...i didnt know some men actually give their wives work to do even if they are pregnant...gold bag..kulunthai baaramae pattulae ithulae golf bag vereiya...golf club yeduthirunthaal orae adileh purushan govinda govindaa...
From: NM on Mon Apr 24 1:01:06 2006. [Full View]

HULK unga last para soopera irunthathu
From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 1:05:55 2006. [Full View]

Phew...naan ninaichaen naan post penna wives jokeku yethira yennai torture penna poraengunu..
From: Querida on Mon Apr 24 1:07:25 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

golf club yeduthirunthaal orae adileh purushan govinda govindaa...

Hulkster I was just kidding but your reply tooo funny!!!!

I'm sure someone has posted this joke before but I still find it hilarious:

A man lines up three women in front of his mother and says "ma guess which one I have decided to marry?"
The mother correctly points to the woman in the middle,
the son is surprised and asks his mother how she guessed
she replies " I knew it was her....cause I already hate her"
From: Arthi on Mon Apr 24 1:10:34 2006. [Full View]

Today's Punch

Pongalukku Governmentla leaveu kudupanga...
Aana Idly Dosaikku kudupangala...
From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 1:11:38 2006. [Full View]

Oh...i just felt like posting like that...

From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 1:13:21 2006.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

Hulkster I was just kidding but your reply tooo funny!!!! ROTFL

I'm sure someone has posted this joke before but I still find it hilarious:

A man lines up three women in front of his mother and says "ma guess which one I have decided to marry?"
The mother correctly points to the woman in the middle,
the son is surprised and asks his mother how she guessed
she replies " I knew it was her....cause I already hate her"

...another mother-in-law joke....Querida you should very well know you will become a mother-in-law one day...then i cna post jokes about you to your daughter-in-law..

From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 1:14:48 2006. [Full View]

Arthi wrote:

Today's Punch

Pongalukku Governmentla leaveu kudupanga...
Aana Idly Dosaikku kudupangala...

...appadi koduthaal naatulae ellarum fast food adichiduvaanga
From: Querida on Mon Apr 24 1:26:47 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster just for that a father-in-law joke for you
*****************************************************

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'
'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, Honey?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.'
From: NM on Mon Apr 24 1:27:59 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Phew...naan ninaichaen naan post penna wives jokeku yethira yennai torture penna poraengunu..
HULK :bayanthuttElaa...... naanga ellaam nalla ponnungga

From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 1:35:09 2006.

[Full View]

Querida wrote:

Hulkster just for that a father-in-law joke for you Razz

*****************************************************

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'
'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, Honey?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.'

...looks like father-in-laws are worse off than mother-in-laws....mamanaar ellam kaduvul naa approm kaduvulukkae heart attack vanthidum pa saami

From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 1:36:26 2006. [Full View]

NM wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Phew...naan ninaichaen naan post penna wives jokeku yethira yennai torture penna poraengunu..
HULK :bayanthuttElaa...... naanga ellaam nalla ponnungga

seri...neenga nalla ponnunga na solluruthaalae naan ungalai namburaen...yen nambikkai veen ponichi naa ungalakku thandanaiya perarasu padam 15 times paarka veippaen.
From: NOV on Mon Apr 24 2:06:22 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.'

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
From: NOV on Mon Apr 24 2:07:17 2006. [Full View]

John had proposed to young Sally and was being interviewed
by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are
earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the
suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There are
twelve of us..."
From: NOV on Mon Apr 24 2:08:46 2006. [Full View]

Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.

"Talk to your son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."

The father turned to Jimmy angrily. "Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you're better than your old man?"

==================================

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's
multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
From: NOV on Mon Apr 24 2:09:48 2006. [Full View]

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"
From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 2:12:37 2006. [Full View]

...aiyoyoyo..yerkanavae Queridavodeiya jokes keithu sirrichi sirrichi vayirae valikethu...eppo neenga potha jokes leh yenukku sangae uthidulam.......long division..muahahaha..nice 1 nov sir
From: mgb on Mon Apr 24 2:18:37 2006. [Full View]

Not sure whether this has been posted already

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
From: NM on Mon Apr 24 2:21:51 2006. [Full View]

@NOV

HULK : saringga
From: Hulkster on Mon Apr 24 2:27:53 2006. [Full View]

mgb not sure myself but that makes quite a hilarious joke....guess the wife was up for the task...orae oru warning...yaaruvethu intha mathiri pondadi veichukathaenge pa..first night leh paalukku bathila cyanide kalantha complan paalu kodupaanga
From: Fire111999 on Mon Apr 24 4:08:04 2006. [Full View]

Like Father, Like Husband?

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
From: Fire111999 on Mon Apr 24 4:09:03 2006. [Full View]

Kids at the Wedding

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
From: Fire111999 on Mon Apr 24 4:11:12 2006. [Full View]

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
From: Fire111999 on Mon Apr 24 4:13:32 2006. [Full View]

A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
From: Fire111999 on Mon Apr 24 4:14:03 2006. [Full View]

the last one i posted is really funny. and i better stop now!
From: Lambretta on Mon Apr 24 4:33:15 2006. [Full View]

Fire111999 wrote:

the last one i posted is really funny. and i better stop now!

Yea tat was good, thee!
From: Querida on Mon Apr 24 23:11:41 2006. [Full View]

cute lines Fire!
NOV-san
*****************************************************
First Boy: Does your brother keep himself clean?
Second Boy: Oh, yes ! he takes a bath every month whether he needs one or not.

First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle ?
Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose !

Little Brother: If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do ?
Boy: I wouldn't go back to those two place, that's for sure.

My brother's just opened a shop.
Really? How's he doing?
Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.
From: swathy on Tue Apr 25 0:06:46 2006. [Full View]

DEVELOPERS & TESTERS CONVENTION.

A developer/tester convention was being held. On the
train to the
convention, there were a bunch of developer majors
and a bunch of tester
majors. Each of the developer majors had his/her
train ticket. The group
of testers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The
developer majors
started laughing and snickering. Then, one of the
testers said, "here
comes the conductor" and then all of the testers
went into the bathroom.
The developer majors were puzzled. The conductor
came aboard and said
"tickets please" and got tickets from all the
developer majors. He then
went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and
said "ticket please"
and the testers stuck the ticket under the door. The
conductor took it
and then the testers came out of the bathroom a few
minutes later. The
developer majors felt really stupid. So, on the way
back from the
convention, the group of developer majors had one
ticket for the group.
They started snickering at the testers, for the
whole group had no
tickets amongst them. Then, the tester lookout said
"Conductor coming!"
All the testers went to one bathroom. All the
developer majors went to
another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on
board, one of the
testers left the bathroom, knocked on the other
bathroom, and said
"ticket please."

Lesson learned:

Any test that passed in unit testing can fail in
system testing.
From: Querida on Tue Apr 25 0:21:11 2006. [Full View]

what is it with this joke being posted frequently....look what you started Lambretta
From: Hulkster on Tue Apr 25 0:34:14 2006. [Full View]

Querida nalla keilunga Lambyai...intha joke torture thaanga mudiyulae although it is funny......

What will MS DOS commands look like in tamil?

Recycle Bin - Kuppai Thotthi
Start Menu - Ingae Thaan Arambam
Internet Explorer - Inaiyathai sutri paarkum yedam
Close window - Sannalai Moodu
Error! The file cannot be found - Kilinchichi...filai kandu pidikka mudiyulae
Error!The system cannot respond -
Kilinchichi..enimel oru mannum varaathu
Adjust audio volume - Soundai melai yethu ellei kizhae yerukku
Shut down - Ellatheiyum adaichi veiyi
Log off - yedhathai vittu kalambu
Restart - Marupadiyum arambiyi
Command Prompt - Yethavethu commands keilu

This is not the exact funny version as the real one was very funny but had vulgarities...thats y
From: Alan on Tue Apr 25 0:53:10 2006. [Full View]

"A Mother's Dictionary" was too cute, Fire! And so true!
From: Braandan on Tue Apr 25 0:55:07 2006. [Full View]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
From: Prabhu Ram on Tue Apr 25 1:04:51 2006. [Full View]

Brandaan one of the most original jokes I've read recently. Good one
From: Alan on Tue Apr 25 1:08:01 2006. [Full View]

Fire111999 wrote:

Like Father, Like Husband?

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 25 1:50:50 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

what is it with this joke being posted frequently....look what you started Lambretta

U shud be aware tat our country is known for the most genuine copycats!
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 2:01:03 2006. [Full View]

It was a little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt!"

The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go see the principal and get this straightened out."

So the little girl went to the principal's office. The principal asked the little girl, "What's your name?"

The little girl answered, "Happy Butt!"

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, the principal looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!"

The girl then said, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 2:03:37 2006. [Full View]

The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!"

The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!"

"Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold.

A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!"

The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!"

"Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold.

After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?"

The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!"

The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!"

Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!"

The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 2:06:24 2006. [Full View]

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The general manager of the ballclub was a little leery of this. The recreational director asked, "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?"

The general manager agreed. The group of inmates came into the office and sat down.

The recreational director shouted, "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.

He then shouted, "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.

He then shouted, "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the general manager agreed to let them into the game. In the third inning, the general manager heard a tremendous commotion! People were in a panic! He asked what happened and was told that someone had yelled, "Peanuts!"
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 2:07:26 2006. [Full View]

A hunter ran into a bear in the woods. The hunter immediately fell to his knees in fear and buried his face in his hands. Nothing happened and the bear was silent. The hunter slowly peeped through his fingers and saw the bear staring at him with a curious look.

The hunter then whispered in a trembling voice, �Dear God, please make this bear a Christain bear!�

Suddenly, the bear fell to its knees and looked down toward the ground.

The hunter asked the bear, "What are you doing?!"

The bear then growled, �I�m saying grace!�

From: Lambretta on Tue Apr 25 2:12:26 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

It was a little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt!"

The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go see the principal and get this straightened out."

So the little girl went to the principal's office. The principal asked the little girl, "What's your name?"

The little girl answered, "Happy Butt!"

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, the principal looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!"

The girl then said, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"

Cudnt help laughing out at this, ribald tho it is!

From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 2:15:16 2006. [Full View]

lamb

here's my final one for the day.... hope at least YOU got it....

On New Year's Eve God looked down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out. The angel returned and told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth. 95% is bad and only 5% is good."

God thought for a moment and decided to send down a second angel to get another point of view. When the second angel returned, the angel said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and only 5% is good."

God said this was not good. God decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them in the new year and keep them going down the right path.

Do you know what that e-mail said? What?! You didn't get one either?!!!!

From: Alan on Tue Apr 25 10:04:43 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

A hunter ran into a bear in the woods. The hunter immediately fell to his knees in fear and buried his face in his hands. Nothing happened and the bear was silent. The hunter slowly peeped through his fingers and saw the bear staring at him with a curious look.

The hunter then whispered in a trembling voice, “Dear God, please make this bear a Christain bear!”

Suddenly, the bear fell to its knees and looked down toward the ground.

The hunter asked the bear, "What are you doing?!"

The bear then growled, “I’m saying grace!”

Sorry? *scratches head at this one*

From: Alan on Tue Apr 25 10:06:42 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

NOV wrote:

Cudnt help laughing out at this, ribald tho it is! LOL

I second that, Lamby! Too cute too!

From: ssanjinika on Tue Apr 25 10:16:41 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Sorry? *scratches head at this one*

Alan,
Christians usually say grace before a meal..meaning they pray and thank god for that meal before they have the meal.
When the hunter prayed for a christian bear,the bear turned out to be a christian only it said grace before its meal(the hunter)
From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 25 13:15:02 2006. [Full View]

thanks, Q and Alan. here are some more:

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 25 13:20:30 2006. [Full View]

How have times changed?
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
From: Fire111999 on Tue Apr 25 13:28:11 2006. [Full View]

New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans
At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

15. How do you want to crash today?
From: Querida on Tue Apr 25 20:01:15 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

Do you know what that e-mail said? What?! You didn't get one either?!!!!

Yeah God told us not to associate with you 95 percenters!
**************************************************

Dear Lord,

So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

_____________________________________________________________

What did God say after she made Eve?

Practice makes perfect.

_____________________________________________________________

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue Apr 25 21:08:30 2006. [Full View]
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue Apr 25 21:10:08 2006. [Full View]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "****, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don�t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I ****�n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don�t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn�t help mutter, "Oh ****�" The priest said, "That�s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "****, I Missed".
From: Hulkster on Tue Apr 25 21:12:26 2006. [Full View]

Aaaha kaduvulae keitha vaarthai solla mattaru nu ninaichaen...engayum solla veichithaengela?.......Nalla joke Thamizh sir.
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue Apr 25 21:44:11 2006. [Full View]

I didn know that even tat little bit isnt allowed. sorry mods, i will take care next time
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue Apr 25 22:04:40 2006. [Full View]

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Thamizh @ chennai.com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://26.bharathi.street/house/chennai.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 22:55:08 2006. [Full View]

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Faizal welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air India Flight 911

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 911 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air India has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of our passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary DHARU and Wada pavw.

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible or the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

Thank you .. Have a pleasant journey...
Wishing you all the best as I step off from the plane to shop for my wife's saree blouse, while all of you fly.
Bye!

From: Alan on Tue Apr 25 22:58:36 2006.

[Full View]

ssanjinika wrote:

Alan wrote:

Sorry? *scratches head at this one*

Alan,
Christians usually say grace before a meal..meaning they pray and thank god for that meal before they have the meal.
When the hunter prayed for a christian bear,the bear turned out to be a christian only it said grace before its meal(the hunter) Laughing

Thanks ssanjinika! But sorry, didn't find it too funny- Sorry Nov!

From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 22:59:22 2006. [Full View]

Lingam works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked Lingam for half a kilogram of dhall. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of dhall, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

Lingam walked into the back room and said, "There's an idiot out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of dhall." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to Lingam, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?"

Lingam replied, "I'm from Mumbai, Sir."

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Mumbai?" asked the manager.

Lingamreplied, "They're all just prostitutes and cricket players up there."

"My wife is from Mumbai," the manager said.

Lingam replied, "Which team did she play for?"
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 23:00:37 2006. [Full View]

Patient: Doctor vaithu vali, porukka mudiyala doctor.

Doctor: Vaithu valikirappa yaen neenga porukka poreenga????

------------

What is the difference between Love marriage & Arranged marriage?

First one is Tharkolai..and the next one is Thittamitta kolai

------------

Vijayakanth: Andha TV mela case podanum..

Thondan: Ean thalaiva??

Vijayakanth: Nama katchi arambichadha Vilayattu seidhigal-la potrukkan..

-------------

Sardar1: Train kandupidichadu nallatha pochu..

Sardar2: yaen??

Sardar1: illaina thandavalam yellam veena poirukkum...!!
From: Querida on Tue Apr 25 23:07:59 2006. [Full View]

Quote:

Lingam replied, "Which team did she play for?"

the foot is ever-nearing the mouth

From: Raikkonen on Tue Apr 25 23:11:52 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Patient: Doctor vaithu vali, porukka mudiyala doctor.

Doctor: Vaithu valikirappa yaen neenga porukka poreenga????

------------

What is the difference between Love marriage & Arranged marriage?

First one is Tharkolai..and the next one is Thittamitta kolai

------------

Vijayakanth: Andha TV mela case podanum..

Thondan: Ean thalaiva??

Vijayakanth: Nama katchi arambichadha Vilayattu seidhigal-la potrukkan..

-------------

Sardar1: Train kandupidichadu nallatha pochu..

Sardar2: yaen??

Sardar1: illaina thandavalam yellam veena poirukkum...!!

Super

From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 23:12:59 2006. [Full View]

SON: Appa....... schoolla Ramu enna adichittaanpa......
Father: Teacher kitta complaint panna vendiyadhu dhane........
Son: Ramu dhaan pa teacher

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does the popcorn jump when kept on a hot stove?
Neenga ukhandu paarunga............. Appuram theriyum.........!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

All ATM's in Punjab were jammed & not in working condition.
Bcoz, Sardarji's wife put hairpin in machine when it said "Enter ur PIN".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELLO PEPSI UMAVA?????? ENAKKU SIVAKASILA IRUNDHU ORU SONG PODUNGA.........
UMA: SORRY NAAN IPPPO CHENNAILA IRUKAEN.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was teaching grammer. After teaching she asked Sardar to say a COMPOUND sentence.
He said ' STICK NO BILLS'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: How much is one banana?
Salesman: 1 rupee.
Cus: 60 paisekku varadha??
Sal: 60 paisekku thol than varum.
Cus: Intha 40 paisea. thola vachukittu palatha kudu

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TTR: Ticket kattunga?
Sardar: Itho parunga.
TTR: Ithu palaya ticket kannu.,
Sardar: Train mattum enna Pudusa?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband: Coffee romba stronga irukke, enna potta?
Wife: oru spoon Cement pottaen.......

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Father: Ennada! Test la zero mark vankitu vanthirukke? Nalla padikkaliya?
Son: Athu zero illappa! Naan nalla padichahukkaka miss "O" pottanga...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
From: Raikkonen on Tue Apr 25 23:23:21 2006. [Full View]

This one i read few days back

Vidiya Vidya cricket pattutu Tendulkar ethni goal pottarunnu kettanam...
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 23:28:37 2006. [Full View]

- Where is this T. Nagar?

Nobody knows accurately. It is just this lovely place in Chennai,
which if you decide to visit for the second time, you get a free
seasonal pass for a window-side bed in Kilpauk hospital.

- Sounds like a holiday package..what if I manage a third visit?

You get one year free admission at Yervadi, next to Sethu Vikram.
Cost of chain included in the package.

- Oh! You said it's a lovely place. Do people go there for sight-
seeing?

Kinda yeah, it is Chennai's own version of "Suicide Point"

- Can we shop there?

There are just two things you can do at T.Nagar. One,shop and
two, die. The former is optional though.

- My wife wants some good silk sarees. Where do I take her?

Push her into Pothys and run. This is your best chance to live with
some self respect in future.

- What if I stay?

You automatically qualify for Bihar elections.

- What if I go in too?

If you are Gopi, you'll come out as Gopi 65.

- I heard gold is pretty cheap at some place there?

Very cheap yeah, not just the rate. I guess you are talking about
Ranganathan Street, Annachi shop.

- Ya ya. How do I go there?

You just need to stand at the start of that street. Close your eyes. Open your eyes. You are inside Annachi shop, courtesy : fellow shoppers.

- Can I take my vehicle?

Shut up! Even Laloo wouldn't do that!

- Oh is it very crowded?

Yeah, by the time you count the number of people around you, they can telecast Junoon twice.

- Junoon?? What's that?

Kadavule! Paathathu illiya Junoon neenga? Periya athu megaserial.
Pesuvaanga maathi maathi thamizh athula.

- Oh! By the way, do men shop in T.Nagar?

Wise men stay away. Married men do shop.

- I heard there are lots of platform shops?

There is no platform. Only shops.

- Whatever, how good are they?

Very good infact. You get all sortsa brands including Nykee, Ribok
and Adeedas. At cheap rates that too!

- Hey isn't that phony? The spellings are all messed up!!

Naah. They have been changed according to numerology, that's all.

- Fine. Is there any good restaurant there?

Ya, Saravana Bhavan.

- Wow! What would I get there for, say 50 rupees?

Quite a lot. Half a dosa, 5 ml Sambhar and some pebbles.

- Pebbles? Why??

Huh, you are dumber than a crow! To raise the level of sambhar
ofcourse.

- No chutney is it?

They have it in a big vessel near the entrance. You are allowed to
take a peek.

- That's bad. But I heard there's a hot chips too?

You'll be a hot chip yourself once you step into Ranganathan Street.

- How is the air pollution level in T.Nagar?

One deep breath and you'll die on the spot, money back guarantee.

- So many issues, eh? Finally, what's the best thing about T.Nagar?

Variety. So many shops, so many dresses and so many accessories.
Even if you escape death by other mean, you'll be confused to death!
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 23:29:48 2006. [Full View]

A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:

"Buy me a surprise for my birthday" she said. "Something that accelerates from 0 too 100 in 4 seconds"......" And I would prefer a blue one please"! Happy and excited she was counting the days to her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought: A bright blue colored bathroom scale...
From: great on Tue Apr 25 23:30:05 2006. [Full View]

NOV, ivlov old mails ellam yaaru annuparanga
From: NOV on Tue Apr 25 23:43:07 2006. [Full View]

sorry great, enakku idhellaam pudhusu.
you can always opt for "ignore" mode.
From: Querida on Tue Apr 25 23:44:47 2006. [Full View]

i wonder if the husband is alive to tell this gift story???
From: great on Tue Apr 25 23:45:16 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

sorry great, enakku idhellaam pudhusu.
you can always opt for "ignore" mode.

paravalla enga pakkathu areava romba perumai solreenga
From: Badri on Tue Apr 25 23:49:46 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

i wonder if the husband is alive to tell this gift story???

Q: The story probably came out at the inquest!!!
From: Shekhar on Wed Apr 26 0:12:14 2006. [Full View]

The Million Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."
From: Hulkster on Wed Apr 26 0:26:47 2006. [Full View]

wonder if the son's bones will even exist.......nice one shekar.
From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 26 0:48:58 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

lamb

Um....btw, surely the "Y" key on ur keyboard is working normally?

Quote:

here's my final one for the day.... hope at least YOU got it....

Enna NOV sir, intha section le ennoda torture thanga mudiyrthilleya?

Cud this also mean ur missing ur old nemesis Bad Boy, lately?!
From: NOV on Wed Apr 26 3:33:37 2006. [Full View]

first we will call you lamb
then we will wash you
decorate you
feed you
and then take you to the nearest temple

ippO purindhadhaa?
aattu kutti aattu kutti lambmaama'va paaru...
From: terminator on Wed Apr 26 4:37:05 2006. [Full View]

NOV ungalukku ippadi oru aasai irukkaa

From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 26 4:57:35 2006.

[Full View]

*digr

NOV wrote:

first we will call you lamb
then we will wash you
decorate you
feed you
and then take you to the nearest temple

ippO purindhadhaa?
aattu kutti aattu kutti lambmaama'va paaru... Razz

Hey wat hap'd to U all of a sudden?! Seriously, naan ungaluku enna dhrohum pannen?! Confused

/digr

From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 26 4:59:34 2006. [Full View]

terminator wrote:

NOV ungalukku ippadi oru aasai irukkaa

Inge moderator agarthuku athu oru requirement polaruku!
From: NOV on Wed Apr 26 5:02:02 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Hey wat hap'd to U all of a sudden?! Seriously, naan ungaluku enna dhrohum pannen?!
/digr
lamb, this is after all a JOKE thread, dont become serious, otherwise, will have to admit you to a hospital

From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 26 5:13:04 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Lambretta wrote:

Hey wat hap'd to U all of a sudden?! Seriously, naan ungaluku enna dhrohum pannen?! Confused

/digr

lamb, this is after all a JOKE thread, dont become serious, otherwise, will have to admit you to a hospital Rolling Eyes

OK but my request is tat u plse stop calling me by tat one name....
And no, I wasnt really being 'serious' in the sense, getting pissed off at u or nething....its jus tat I didnt expect u to hav a dig at me (we rarely interact w/ each other!

).....jus a bit puzzled at this sudden jeer from u, of all the members....

And yea this is no doubt a joke thread.....only didnt know we cud now post jokes abt other members as well....

From: Chappani on Wed Apr 26 5:15:06 2006. [Full View]

Jaya's Hilarious interview on BBC Hard Talk(copying this link from the 2006 elections thread ) enjoy maadi

http://www.bbc.co.uk/tamil/highlights/story/2004/09/040930_jayainterview.shtml
From: Hulkster on Wed Apr 26 5:23:21 2006. [Full View]

Seri seri...joke thread leh ellam seriousku enna peichi?...wokay heres a made up joke of mine

A Father is teaching his son how to ride a bicycle.

Son:Appa naan bicycle ottha kattukittu piragu naan Plane melae otta pogiraen.
Father:Athu ellam nadakaatha vishayam
Son:Balayya mettum train melae bicycle otta mothu naan Plane melae otta mudiyaatha?
Father:...ithuvum nalla pointu thaan
From: Hulkster on Wed Apr 26 5:26:55 2006. [Full View]

Chappani classic case of interview-gone-wrong meets inquisitive-interviewer...

From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 26 5:31:37 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Seri seri...joke thread leh ellam seriousku enna peichi?...wokay heres a made up joke of mine

A Father is teaching his son how to ride a bicycle.

Son:Appa naan bicycle ottha kattukittu piragu naan Plane melae otta pogiraen.
Father:Athu ellam nadakaatha vishayam
Son:Balayya mettum train melae bicycle otta mothu naan Plane melae otta mudiyaatha?
Father: Embarassed

...ithuvum nalla pointu thaan

Ithu super, hulk!

Btw, neenga telugu cinema kuda parpengla?

From: Hulkster on Wed Apr 26 5:39:15 2006. [Full View]

Ellei pa....Naan summa tollywood threadlirinthu avarai pathi padichaen....athai veichi joke aakinaen...
From: RP on Wed Apr 26 7:05:35 2006. [Full View]

Rajinikanth?was bragging to Jayalalitha one day,
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone- anyone, & I know them."

Tired of his boasting, Jayalalitha asked, "OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure yes, Tom & I are old friends, I can prove it" Rajini said. So Rajini & Jayalalitha fly out to Hollywood & knock on Tom Cruise's door, & sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts

"Thalaiva! Great to see you! You & your friend come right in & join me for lunch!".

Although impressed, Jayalalitha is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, she tells Rajini that she thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Rajini says. "President Bush", Jayalalitha quickly retorts. "Yes",?Rajini says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Rajini on the tour & motions him, saying,

"Rajini, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you &
your friend come on in, let's have a cup of coffee first & catch up ".

Well, Jayalalitha is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.?After they leave the White House grounds, she expresses her doubts to Rajini who again implores her to name anyone else. "The Pope", Jayalalitha replies. "Sure!" says Rajini, "My folks are from Poland & I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome. Rajini & Jayalalitha are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs & I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Rajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Jayalalitha had a Heart Attack & is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to Jayalalitha's side, Rajini asks her, "What happened?" Jayalalitha looks up & says, "I was doing fine until you & the Pope came out on the balcony & the man next to me said,

"Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"...
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed Apr 26 7:18:34 2006. [Full View]

NOV, those TNagar jokes are chanceless
From: Chappani on Wed Apr 26 7:22:01 2006. [Full View]

RP,

Rajini joke vore (one) vaati padittal 100 vaati paditha maadari
post it once and its enough.
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed Apr 26 7:39:28 2006. [Full View]

The Airport Check-In

Today, I went to the airport

-------------------------------------------

Assistant: Good morning local time, sir, could I see your passport please?

Me: Yes, here you go.

Assistant: Thank you. You're booked for flight 12A, leaving from gate 12A.

Me: That's right. Flying at?

Assistant: 12A hundred hours. I have to ask you a few questions at this point, sir. Is that OK?

Me: Yes.

Assistant: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

Assistant: Wonderful. And here's some more. Did you pack yourself?

Me: I did, but it was a bit stuffy in there, so I unpacked myself and bought this ticket instead.

Assistant: A good idea. Have they, at any point, been out of your sight?

Me: No, they've been in my wallet the whole time.

Assistant: I mean the bags.

Me: No, they had to come out of my wallet, because I didn't have space for my tickets.

Assistant: And have they been out of your sight since?

Me: Oh yes. They spent the last twelve months in a cupboard that I only watch half the time.

Assistant: Really? Is it possible they have been tampered with by someone during that time?

Me: I don't think so.

Assistant: Is it not possible that a man could have learned about your bags through an underground network of luggage surveillance experts and broken into your house by scaling your wall with a rope then swinging through the upstairs window? Once inside, could he not have rolled across the carpet, snuck past the guards into the room with the bags, avoiding the alarmed floor by use of a series of pulleys to carry him across the ceiling, then left an unmarked package inside the bag that he had transported in his own stomach to avoid detection?

Me: Oh, definitely not.

Assistant: Why?

Me: Our floors aren't carpeted.

Assistant: Well that's fine then. Do you have any sharp items in your hand luggage?

Me: Yes. I have a Sharp Viewcam, a Sharp calculator, and a 28-inch widescreen microwave.

Assistant: I'm afraid you're going to have to leave those here. Do you have anything else that may be dangerous in that bag?

Me: A jumper?

Assistant: Could strangle the pilot.

Me: A reading book?

Assistant: Hardback?

Me: Yes.

Assistant: Blunt instrument.

Me: I meant no.

Assistant: Fire hazard.

Me: Well, what about my reading glasses?

Assistant: You could use them to conceal your identity.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Assistant: You would if you had just strangled the pilot, beaten him to death and set fire to his remains.

Me: But you just took all that stuff off me.

Assistant: Do you have a glasses lens cloth?

Me: Yes.

Assistant: Then you're back in business. I'm very sorry, but that will all have to go in with the luggage.

Me: This all seems rather much...

Assistant: Your baggage now exceeds the maximum weight limit. There will be an extra charge.

Me: Because you made me put it all there!

Assistant: You can never to be careful. They let all sorts onto aeroplanes these days. Just now I had to stop a man from trying to board with a dangerous looking hat.

Me: The pilot?

Assistant: Yes, I think that's what it said on the hat.
From: mgb on Wed Apr 26 8:04:18 2006. [Full View]

An English professor wrote the words:

'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The women wrote:'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'

From: Fire111999 on Wed Apr 26 9:49:20 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

first we will call you lamb
then we will wash you
decorate you
feed you
and then take you to the nearest temple

ippO purindhadhaa?
aattu kutti aattu kutti lambmaama'va paaru... Razz

can't stop laughing! but i think this is a sensitive spot for anna. so will stop now.... ok maybe after a while!

From: Alan on Wed Apr 26 10:48:23 2006. [Full View]

Thanks a lot for the Tamil jokes- I'll try laughing, tickling myself, okie?
From: great on Wed Apr 26 10:54:49 2006. [Full View]

Alan wrote:

Thanks a lot for the Tamil jokes- I'll try laughing, tickling myself, okie?

Wokie ........
From: dsath on Wed Apr 26 11:18:43 2006. [Full View]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
***********************************************************MALE
PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.
***********************************************************FEMALE
PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine.2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and repeat as many times as required to align car window with the ATM machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate bank card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN# is written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN written on the inside of the back page. 11. Enter PIN into ATM machine. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16.
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake!

The reply of a woman to this joke :

The only reason a woman needs to find the pin is because it's her husbands bank account she is taking the money from - no so stupid after all!

From: Lambretta on Wed Apr 26 13:57:27 2006.

[Full View]

*digr

Fire111999 wrote:

NOV wrote:

first we will call you lamb
then we will wash you
decorate you
feed you
and then take you to the nearest temple

ippO purindhadhaa?
aattu kutti aattu kutti lambmaama'va paaru... Razz

can't stop laughing! but i think this is a sensitive spot for anna. so will stop now.... ok maybe after a while!

Chey insult!
Naanum muthale joke-aa thaan nenaichitu marakalam-nu pathen.....ana ippo ithu nijama over thaan! Evil or Very Mad

Yea, serves me right for keeping my favourite scooter's name as my ID! Banging Head

OK......my apologies to all......theriyame antha perai poyi ID-aa vechinden!
Will try to replace my username shortly w/ a more 'dignified' one....if tats goin2 make things better! There!

/digr

From: Sanguine Sridhar on Wed Apr 26 15:50:24 2006. [Full View]

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot who was still alive but unconscious. He decided to take him home. When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.

When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
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"BARS, bread, water...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!

From: Hulkster on Wed Apr 26 20:10:21 2006.

[Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

*digr

Fire111999 wrote:

NOV wrote:

first we will call you lamb
then we will wash you
decorate you
feed you
and then take you to the nearest temple

ippO purindhadhaa?
aattu kutti aattu kutti lambmaama'va paaru... Razz

can't stop laughing! but i think this is a sensitive spot for anna. so will stop now.... ok maybe after a while!

Chey insult!
Naanum muthale joke-aa thaan nenaichitu marakalam-nu pathen.....ana ippo ithu nijama over thaan! Evil or Very Mad

Yea, serves me right for keeping my favourite scooter's name as my ID! Banging Head

OK......my apologies to all......theriyame antha perai poyi ID-aa vechinden!
Will try to replace my username shortly w/ a more 'dignified' one....if tats goin2 make things better! There!

/digr

Neenga yaen pa maatunum?...unga ID supera thaan irukku...neenga continue pennunga...yaaruvethu overa joke sollithaangana approm yennodeiya IDku yetha mathiri incredible hulk ah maari avangalai kadichi kothari nasamaakuraen...

From: NM on Wed Apr 26 20:25:25 2006. [Full View]

NOV :

Unga aattu joke sooper!
Australia lamb nalla irukum, athuvum, spring lamb innum nalla irukkum..yummy!
From: temporary sori-Observer on Wed Apr 26 20:43:38 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

TTR: Ticket kattunga?
Sardar: Itho parunga.
TTR: Ithu palaya ticket kannu.,
Sardar: Train mattum enna Pudusa?

��ç�! �� á?
From: NM on Wed Apr 26 20:45:10 2006. [Full View]

TSO : paattukku paattu pakkam vara maattengalaa??
From: temporary sori-Observer on Wed Apr 26 20:56:11 2006. [Full View]

NM,
��
�� 󾢼� ܼ��?
From: NM on Wed Apr 26 21:09:45 2006. [Full View]

TSO : vElai idathula thamizh font illai.. neenga enna thittunengalaa?
From: temporary sori-Observer on Wed Apr 26 21:18:20 2006. [Full View]

NM, aamaam, bayankaramaa thittittEn. Font kedaichathum padichchu paarunga. EvvaLavu kadumaiyaa thittiyirukkEnnu theriyum.

(second)
http://www.musicindiaonline.com/l/26/s/movie_name.4826/
From: NM on Wed Apr 26 21:22:12 2006. [Full View]

antha pakkam vantha ellaamE thirumbum, kideikkum
From: temporary sori-Observer on Wed Apr 26 21:46:07 2006. [Full View]

vElaiyile font ille, aanaa paattu kEkka mattum mudiyudhu ! Enge vElai paakkareenga? video store-leya?
From: Hulkster on Wed Apr 26 22:07:08 2006. [Full View]

Another Made Up joke of mine

Two birds are on a tree and the male bird is trying to romance with the female bird.

M Bird: Koo Koo...nee thaana antha kuyil?
F Bird: Pakkathilae irunthukittu keikira kelviya ithu? Ithulae paadikittu sollunum. kandravi
M Bird: Chittukku chella chittukku oru siragu mulaithuthu
F Bird: Paravaiku ellam siragu mulaikama pinna komba mulaikkum?
M Bird:Manguyilae Poonguyilae seithi onnu keilu
F Bird: Appadi enna uyir pora seithi veichirukkae? ithulae Manguyilae Poonguyilae nu periya kannadasan mathiri paadi sollurae.
M Bird:Yenukku un melae kathal vanthirukethu...unukku yen melae aasai irukka?
F Bird:Ithai muthalae solla vendiyethu thaanae...yenukku un melae aasai ellei.

M Bird flies off singing sadly(Vellai pura onru)

F Bird:Oru kuyilai paarthu vellai pura nu solraanae...evanakkellam yevan da kannu koduthaan. Evanai kattikittu irunthaal naan yeppovo alpais ku poiruppaen.
From: hi on Wed Apr 26 22:15:50 2006. [Full View]

Four lines of an IT guy

He loved her...

But married another...

One became the wife...

The other became the password *
From: Alan on Wed Apr 26 23:52:25 2006. [Full View]

From: Alan on Wed Apr 26 23:57:12 2006.

[Full View]

Sanguine Sridhar wrote:

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a parrot. He pulled over, picked the poor parrot who was still alive but unconscious. He decided to take him home. When the motorist got home, he put the parrot in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.

When the parrot regained consciousness, he looked around and said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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"BARS, bread, water...Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!

LOL!

From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 27 1:49:28 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Tks for backing me up hulk anna....so others, hope u read this.....now beware!

From: a.ratchasi on Thu Apr 27 4:19:06 2006. [Full View]

Querida wrote:

What did God say after she made Eve?

Practice makes perfect.
From: selvakumar on Thu Apr 27 6:14:44 2006. [Full View]

What is confidence ???? - Ask The Great CEO

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature
pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is
then told, privately, that their company's software is running the
aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the
aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked why
he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is
the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even
take off." !!!!

That is called Confidence!!!
From: Lambretta on Thu Apr 27 6:20:50 2006. [Full View]

Good one, dada! 'hope none of them happen to be Ur IT co. tho...!
From: selvakumar on Thu Apr 27 6:39:05 2006. [Full View]

Lambretta wrote:

Good one, dada! 'hope none of them happen to be Ur IT co. tho...!

would be happy if it is our CEO
From: RP on Thu Apr 27 12:18:27 2006. [Full View]

Chappani wrote:

RP,

Rajini joke vore (one) vaati padittal 100 vaati paditha maadari
post it once and its enough.

Sorry........well with elections .......needed to reach more viewers.(read voters).
From: Fire111999 on Thu Apr 27 13:12:08 2006. [Full View]

selvakumar wrote:

That is called Confidence!!!
From: Shekhar on Fri Apr 28 2:26:11 2006. [Full View]

Don't Wake your Neighbors!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:30:05 2006. [Full View]

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:40:41 2006. [Full View]

With a puzzled look on his face, an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm??"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my older sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son,

"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:43:21 2006. [Full View]

Four Catholic women were having coffee.

The first tells her friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.' "

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.' "

The third says, "Well, my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.' "

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee for a moment, smiles and says,"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.... ' "
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:53:31 2006. [Full View]

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped . The stretcher dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:55:17 2006. [Full View]

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:58:23 2006. [Full View]

Disorder in the Court
A Collection of 'Transquips'
by Richard Ledere

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

What is your brother-in-law's name?
Borofkin.
What's his first name?
I can't remember.
He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
No.

Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.

Are you married?
No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.

And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.

How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Yes.
What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I should be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Yes, sir.
Before or after he died?

Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
No.

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
No.
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
It was covered?
Yes, bandaged.
Then, later on.. what did you see?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Do you drink when you're on duty?
I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

(Showing man picture.) That's you?
Yes, sir.
And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 3:59:50 2006. [Full View]

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said...

(This is good..)

(Ready?)

(Remember, she's a blonde...)

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
From: NOV on Fri Apr 28 4:51:16 2006. [Full View]

IMPORTANT Letter to ALL women from ALL men

Dear Ladies

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspapers so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked down or worse still, totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, etc etc.

13. For all other women (who are not wives, girlfriends, fianc�s, mothers, sisters) reading this - pls do not (WE REPEAT - do not) come to the bank too early in the morning or decide to make an insurance claim or pay your electricity or water bill or for that matter expect US (Men of the World) to provide you any service at all.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,
Men of the World
From: mgb on Fri Apr 28 7:57:53 2006. [Full View]

A college student took up a course in Wildlife Zoology. After one week the professor gave the class a test. He passed out a sheet of paper divided into squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of some bird legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test and got more and more angry.Finally he stumped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. 'This is the worst test I have ever taken.' The teacher looked up and said, 'Young man, you have flunked this test. What is your name?'
The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed the professor his legs and replied, 'You tell me?
From: bingleguy on Fri Apr 28 8:00:03 2006. [Full View]
From: Arthi on Fri Apr 28 9:24:57 2006. [Full View]

SRIKKA SILA JOKES

SON: Appa....... schoolla ramu enna adichittaanpa......
Father: Teacher kitta complaint ----- vendiyadhu dhane........
Son: Ramu dhaan pa teacher
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does the popcorn jump when kept on a hot stove?
Neenga ukhandu paarunga............. Appuram theriyum.........!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

All ATM's in Punjab were jammed & not in working condition.
Bcoz, Sardarji's wife put hairpin in machine when it said "Enter ur PIN".
------------------------------------------------------------------------

HELLO PEPSI UMAVA?????? ENAKKU SIVAKASILA IRUNDHU ORU SONG PODUNGA.........
UMA: SORRY NAAN IPPPO CHENNAILA IRUKAEN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was teaching grammer. After teaching she asked Sardar to say a
COMPOUND sentence.
He said ' STICK NO BILLS'
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Customer: How much is the rate of banana ?
Salesman: 1 rupee.
Cus: 60 paisekku varadha??
Sal: 60 paisekku thol than varum.
Cus: Intha 40 paisea. thola vachukittu palatha kudu
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TTR: Ticket kattunga?
Sardar: Itho parunga.
TTR: Ithu palaya ticket kannu.,
Sardar: Train mattum enna Pudusa?
TTR: ......... ????
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband: Coffee romba stronga irukke, enna potta?
Wife: oru spoon Cement pottaen.......
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Father: Ennada! Test la zero mark vankitu vanthirukke? Nalla padikkaliya?
Son: Athu zero illappa! Naan nalla padichadhukkaga miss "O" pottanga...
From: terminator on Fri Apr 28 9:27:18 2006. [Full View]

It was already posted. Anyway Good jokes..

From: Lambretta on Fri Apr 28 9:44:29 2006.

[Full View]

Arthi wrote:

Why does the popcorn jump when kept on a hot stove?
Neenga ukhandu paarunga............. Appuram theriyum.........!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:

All ATM's in Punjab were jammed & not in working condition.
Bcoz, Sardarji's wife put hairpin in machine when it said "Enter ur PIN".
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TTR: Ticket kattunga?
Sardar: Itho parunga.
TTR: Ithu palaya ticket kannu.,
Sardar: Train mattum enna Pudusa?
TTR: ......... ????
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ithuvum semma jokes!

Only watch out, u'd be knowing tat we hav a Sardarji in our midst!

From: Hulkster on Fri Apr 28 9:47:09 2006. [Full View]

athukkum oru joke varum...

Sardarji:What are this jokes about?
Everyone: Ungalai pathi
Sardarji:HAHAHAHA....no wonder they are so funny
Everyone(whispers):Evan oru manga madaiyan nu solvethulae yentha tappum ellei...
From: Lambretta on Fri Apr 28 9:55:26 2006. [Full View]

Anna hulk.....really!
From: Hulkster on Fri Apr 28 10:05:34 2006. [Full View]

Ellei lamby sir...appadi vanthaal intha mathiri oru joke varum nu ninaikiraen...
From: Lambretta on Fri Apr 28 10:12:12 2006. [Full View]

Seri......avar intha thread-ku vanthapo parkalam!
From: LydiaRajan on Fri Apr 28 12:21:18 2006. [Full View]

How will you place a Giraff inside a refridgerator?
Think
Think
Think
T
H
I
N
K
Ans: Open the door of the fridge.

Now tell me how can you keep an elephant inside?
Think
Think
Think
T
H
I
N
K
Take out the Giraff & then keep the Elephant inside.

Now no joking........The king of the forest has arranged for a meeting. All animals except one did not attend the meeting. Which one did not come to the meeting?
Think, It is so simple...............
The Elephant inside the refridgerator.

Really serious this time
There is a river in the forest with quite a huge number of crocodiles? Then how can you cross the river.
THINK

THINK

THINK

What ya, all the crocodiles have gone to attend the meeting, So come on ..............cross the river without hesitation.......................fast, fast before they come.
From: Fire111999 on Fri Apr 28 12:59:27 2006. [Full View]

neenga 'think think'-nu soneengalaa, romba think pannathaala correct ans kedakela!
From: LydiaRajan on Sat Apr 29 1:18:12 2006. [Full View]

Some more

A Kid asks the Priest : Father what is your Favourite Pastime...?
The Priest pats the kids head & replys : NUN My Child NUN....!!

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, whom would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

In a chemistry class.........
Teacher: Now what is the formula of Barium?
Ramu: Ba

Teacher: What is the formula of Sodium?
Somu: Na

Teacher: now can any one tell me what happens if 1 molecule of Barium combines with 2 molecules of Sodium?
...
...
...
A most brilliant student: Ba+Na+Na= Banana.
From: Hulkster on Sat Apr 29 1:22:30 2006. [Full View]

Lydia madam....super jokes....did you think of them yourself?
From: LydiaRajan on Sat Apr 29 2:35:22 2006. [Full View]

Ellapa, All copied only, That banana joke is from my daughter's school annual book.
From: Hulkster on Sat Apr 29 2:39:37 2006. [Full View]

Paravalae...vara vara namma schoolsukku ellam nalla sense of humour irukku...
From: LydiaRajan on Sat Apr 29 3:12:04 2006. [Full View]

Enn ponnu padikkira illa athan "that sence of Humor"
From: terminator on Sat Apr 29 5:49:40 2006. [Full View]

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Tying their belts"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Checking the system"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Serving the travelers"

Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Make up"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"

Officer: What were you doing?

Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Hulkster on Sat Apr 29 6:16:02 2006. [Full View]

...nice 1 termi....air hostess handling pennuraangala?..eppo thaan puriyethu yaen yegapatta plane crash nadukuthu nu.
From: hi on Sat Apr 29 9:03:29 2006. [Full View]

Men V/S Women

How a man withdraws cash from ATM:

1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away

-------------------------

How a woman withdraws cash from ATM:

1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse.
7) Insert card
8) Hit Cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it.
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back to car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for � mile
24) Release handbrake
25) Drive on.
From: Fire111999 on Sat Apr 29 13:17:42 2006. [Full View]

heard that one before!

Finding perfect men

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
From: Fire111999 on Sat Apr 29 13:27:58 2006. [Full View]

Mom would never say
Things Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
From: Alan on Sat Apr 29 15:45:14 2006. [Full View]

LOL , Fire! Nice ones there!
From: Alan on Sat Apr 29 15:47:44 2006. [Full View]

LOL , Fire! Nice ones there!
From: Fire111999 on Sat Apr 29 15:59:20 2006. [Full View]

thanks, alan!
From: LydiaRajan on Sun Apr 30 6:50:45 2006. [Full View]

Person 1: Naalu 'T', Oru 'G' vachchu, oru English word sollunga
Person 2: (After thinking for a while!) Therila...neengalae sollunga!
Person 1: Originality. (Oru 'g' naalu 't')

nabar 1: Enpa ippadi cigarette pudikkara
nabar 2: Ippadi than pudikanum, thiruppi pudicha vai suttudum

Man 1: cigarette pudicha cancer varum
Man 2: Illaye, nan pudikkum bothu Poga than vandhudhu
HA HA HA HA

D-kku pachai paint adichchA enna Agum?
Person2: PACHADI Agum.
Ha Ha Ha

What is the difference between a flying saucer & an intelligent Sardar?
Both are rare things to see.

What should be done to make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday itself.
From: Hulkster on Sun Apr 30 6:54:25 2006. [Full View]

....nice 1 lydia akka...kadi/aapu jokes at its best...fire nice one about the perfect man....tv kideichaal nalla thaan irukkum...anaal athu namma kitae pesathae...

Lydia madam orae oru kelvi...thursday sonaal sardar aluvaara?
From: LydiaRajan on Sun Apr 30 7:01:39 2006. [Full View]

No...No....It takes till friday for Sardar to understand the joke & laugh. If you tell on Thursday, he will laugh only on Sunday.

Enna Hulk? Sardarukku meela irukeenga
From: Hulkster on Sun Apr 30 7:16:55 2006. [Full View]

Ellei madam...summa yeduttu vittaen avalavu thaan.
From: mgb on Mon May 1 7:22:28 2006. [Full View]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago When we were dating, and you were
only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car.............?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ''Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?". "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".
From: mgb on Mon May 1 7:25:58 2006. [Full View]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call?
From: mgb on Mon May 1 7:34:06 2006. [Full View]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The Defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll jail you both for contempt."
From: Alan on Mon May 1 10:18:09 2006. [Full View]

The lawyer one is too funny, mgb!

From: Ghlli on Mon May 1 19:37:00 2006.

[Full View]

now thats a good one!!!! Laughing

luv it

mgb wrote:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago When we were dating, and you were
only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car.............?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ''Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?". "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".

From: Ghlli on Mon May 1 19:39:43 2006. [Full View]

haaaa wht a stupid judge

mgb wrote:

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll jail you both for contempt."
From: hi on Mon May 1 23:09:29 2006. [Full View]

The Leave Applications

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From an employee who was performing the "Mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 O-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
From: Shekhar on Tue May 2 3:37:47 2006. [Full View]

Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 4:02:41 2006. [Full View]

that was really gud
From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 4:35:45 2006. [Full View]

The mother is nagging her son to marry and brings her to lord ganesha's temple for prayers.

Son:Amma...yenukku kalyanam penna ishtam ellei
Mother:Yaen da?
Son:Vinayagar mettum 40 billions yearsku kalyanam pennulae...naan 40 varushathukku kalyanam pennamal irukka mudiyaatha?
Mother:Avar kaduvul da...kalyanam pennamalae vaala mudiyum...nee verum manithan.
Son:Approm yaen yennai kaduvula peithu yedukkulae?...kozhuppu thaanae?
Mother:
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 4:41:28 2006. [Full View]

Hulk
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 4:51:11 2006. [Full View]

seriously hulk!! ur sense of humour is amazing
From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 4:54:23 2006. [Full View]

....mikka nandri Thamizh...eh gokul sir...konjam overa yethithaeno?..
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 4:55:07 2006. [Full View]

Veyil adhigmaayirukum. Adhanaalathan Hulk ippadi bayangara comedy pannarar.
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 4:57:23 2006. [Full View]

Hulk, neenga unga comedys( ) continue pannunga. Enga vidhi. Adhellam padikanum.
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 4:58:15 2006. [Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Veyil adhigmaayirukum. Adhanaalathan Hulk ippadi bayangara comedy pannarar.

Quote:

Hulk, neenga unga comedys( ) continue pannunga. Enga vidhi. Adhellam padikanum.
From: rocketboy on Tue May 2 5:01:31 2006. [Full View]

unmaya sonna intha mathiriyana oru jokea ketathe illai. hulk
From: terminator on Tue May 2 5:04:03 2006. [Full View]

Hulkoda joke a vida athukku kidacha comments thaan
From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 5:07:08 2006. [Full View]

Yennodeiya oru jokeku evala comments ah?..kavalai padathaenge gokul sir..yennodeiya joke vanthu once in three days...
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 5:08:49 2006. [Full View]

dont worry hulk, u fulfilled ur aim! we all had a hearty laugh
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 5:10:39 2006. [Full View]

Unga oru joke nooru jokeku samam.
Indha thread topic - Joke per day keeps Doctor away.
Aana Hulk jokes padichu naan sirichadhula, Stomach-ache vandhu Doctor paaka vendiyadhayiduchu.
From: villan007 on Tue May 2 5:11:31 2006. [Full View]

OMG !

ippo chandrasekar ippo comedium nalla panrar

U have every chances to become a hero

Action , comedy , love nu veluthu katreenga...
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 5:12:40 2006. [Full View]

naan produce panna thayaar
From: villan007 on Tue May 2 5:15:12 2006. [Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

naan produce panna thayaar

Screenplay
Music
Lyrics
Editing
Dialogues
Direction
________________

Ippo Chandrasekar.....
From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 5:15:45 2006. [Full View]

Seringa pa...temp chat thread leh pesuvom pa...engae jokes mettum post penaal podum..
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 5:16:23 2006. [Full View]

dialogue mattum chandra vaenam, advice panniye savadichuduvaan.
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 5:18:18 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Seringa pa...temp chat thread leh pesuvom pa...engae jokes mettum post penaal podum..

eppadi?, neenga adicha jokes madiriya?? aiyayyoo
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 5:21:49 2006. [Full View]

Enna Hulk, inga jokesthana nadakudhu.
"Imsai arsan 24am pulikesi" nu padathuku per vaikalam.
From: LydiaRajan on Tue May 2 5:34:31 2006. [Full View]

Enna Hulk, Ungala Sardaroda compare pannathum romba vegam vandhu Super jokes ellam eduthu videreenga.............Super.
From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 5:37:10 2006. [Full View]

Ada neenga onnu lydia madam...yetho oru chinna joke podulaam nu summa potaen...anaal yethir paaratha response ellam vanthirukkethu...any jokes for us today?
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 5:44:44 2006. [Full View]

Neenga sonna Joke-ku sirichu mudikave, avangaluku rendu moonu naal aagum. Ayyo still I'm laughing for ur joke Hulk.
From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 5:47:35 2006. [Full View]

...vayiruleh complications varamaal irukka paarthukkunga pa...a joke a day keeps the doctor away...anaal laughing for 24 hours will bring the surgeon again.
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 5:47:43 2006. [Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Neenga sonna Joke-ku sirichu mudikave, avangaluku rendu moonu naal aagum. Ayyo still I'm laughing for ur joke Hulk.

gokul sir, neenga unmaiyileye kadavul thaan
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 5:56:53 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

...vayiruleh complications varamaal irukka paarthukkunga pa...a joke a day keeps the doctor away...anaal laughing for 24 hours will bring the surgeon again.

I dont think it'll stop in 24 hrs. So I've brought a Doctor to my house and asked him to stay for atleast a week to save me from getting weak.
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 7:26:23 2006. [Full View]

Dialogues

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!

Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?

Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.

Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full permission!

Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain: My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?

Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
Teacher: Well, I don't suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.

Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don't know.
Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?

Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!

Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
if I don't know how to spell the word in the first place?
Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don't need to heat hot water!

Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me.

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!

Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.

Teacher: Joey, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.
Joey: Ok, "If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on."

Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"

Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."

Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
Pupil: Before Calculators.

Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?

Lenny: May I hold your hand?
Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.

Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.

Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Trent: How tall are you?

Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?

Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.

Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!

Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Jill: No, how'd you know?
Jack: It is all over town!

Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands?
Sam: No, hotdogs don't have hands!

Joe: I was built backwards.
Mary: How?
Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell!

Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window!

Bobby: I've owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck.
Prospective buyer: You mean you've owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car.

Mary: Did you know they're not making pencils any longer?
Sue: Wow! Why not?
Mary: They're already long enough!

Michael: I was on tv today.
Jeremy: You're kidding! How long were you on?
Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off.

Sarah: Why were you late for your plane?
Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets.
Sarah: But you were 2 hours late!
Jan: I have an ant farm!

George: Look, I just found a lost baseball.
Louis: How do you know it's lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!

Mom: What are you doing?
Bob: Washing myself, of course.
Mom: Without soap and water?
Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.

Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.

Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly?
Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 7:27:31 2006. [Full View]

Daffy Definitions

Abundance - A baker's exercise (A-bun-dance)
Arbitrator - A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Arcade - A lemonade type drink served on Noah's Ark.
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.
Babysitter - A small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.
Band-Aid - A fund to help a band.
Bernadette - The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize - What a crook sees with.
Cadillac - Lack of cattle.
Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Control - A short, ugly inmate.
Cookout - The cook's day off.
Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cowlick - Bashing a cow.
Cowhide - Game of Hide and Seek played by cows.
Detail - Removing a tail.
Dieting - The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Dog Paddle - A rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it.
Doughnut - Holey food.
Eclipse - What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper - A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fan Club - A weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans.
Feather Brained - Fuzzy headed.
Feather Head - An American Indian Chief.
Fire Escape - A way for a fire to go out.
First Lady - Eve.
Flying Saucers - The wife is on a rampage.
Funny Paper - (1) A paper that laughs. (2) The paper you read instead of going to church.
Ghost Town - A town full of Haunted Houses.
Girl Scout - A boy that "scouts" for girls.
Good-bye - A bargain.
Gossip - 24-hour teller.
Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.
Hardship - A ship protected by thick cover.
Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.
Hay - Grass a-la-mowed.
Headlight - A dizzy spell.
Heavy Duty - Loading an elephant.
Hence - An enclosure around a hen yard.
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does.
High school - A school atop the Sears Building.
High water - The main reason Noah built the ark.
Himalaya - A rooster that lays an egg.
Holy Smoke - A church on fire.
House Keeper - A lady that kicks her husband out and keeps the house.
Ideal Person - A card player that wants to deal everytime.
Illegal - A sick bird.
Installment - Putting a horse in a stall.
Lad - A short ladder.
Laughing Stock - Cattle, horses, sheep and hogs responding to a good joke.
Layaway Plan - A pre-arranged burial plan.
Laying Down The Law - Putting the law aside and making your own rules.
Left Bank - What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Life Jacket - A special coat that lasts a lifetime.
Lip Service - Applying lipstick.
Little Dipper - A small boy diving.
Long Jump - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Matchbook - A book about matches.
Megaphone - A very large telephone.
Mistletoe - Any animal with a toe missing.
Misty - How golfers create divots.
Mohair - What bald headed men need.
Monkey Business - A petstore employing monkeys only.
Moron - Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
Moth Ball - A special social event for moths.
Negative Feedback - One result of seasickness.
Network - The process of making nets.
Outfit - Pitching a fit outdoors.
Over Leap - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Overloaded - An elephant riding a bicycle.
Oyster Bed - A place for an oyster to sleep.
Pacifist - One that can't advocate peace without clinching his fist.
Paradox - Two physicians.
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pedestrian - An endagered species.
Period - A comma that curled up and went to sleep.
Pharmacist - A helper on the farm.
Piggyback - A lost pig is back home.
Pigment - A mint plant grown to feed hogs.
Pineapple - An apple that grew on a pine tree.
Polarize - What penguins see with.
Pole Vault - A vault where poles hid from Hitler.
Polite - A light on a pole.
Polygon - A parrot that got away.
Priesthood - A special headpiece for a priest.
Primate - Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Protest - Testing a professional person.
Put-down - To hot to handle.
Quarterback - Change when you pay for a 75� item with a dollar bill.
Reform - To gain or lose weight.
Refuse - Replacing a burned out fuse.
Relief - What trees do in the spring.
Remind - A brain transplant.
Rest Stop - The traffic light is stuck on red.
Retire - Replacement of tires.
Ringworm - Worm with a bell.
Rock Music - A lullaby sung in a rocking chair.
Roman - A person that never settles very long in one place.
Sausage - "Groundog".
Scorekeeper - Someone that knows the score but keeps it to himself.
Showoff - The show has been cancelled.
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does.
Single Entry - Single people only.
Standing Order - Freeze!
Subdued - Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed - Brought litigation against a government official.
Sunny - A bright boy.
Sunbeam - A heat proof beam supporting the sun.
Sunburn - What you basked for.
Sundial - An old-timer.
Sweater - A person that freely perspires.
Syntax - All the money collected at the church from sinners.
Teenagers - People who are doing the things you wish we had thought of when we were younger.
Time Keeper - A guy that didn't return your watch.
Tireless - Have a car but have no tires.
Tooth Picks - The choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth.
Touch-Me-Not - A person with a severe sunburn.
Travelers Aid - A soft drink for tourists.
Vegetarian - An old indian word meaning "bad hunter."
Vitamin - What you do when someone comes to the house.
Waffle Iron - A special additive to put more iron in waffles.
Waterfall - A "watered-down" place in a stream.
Well Done - A water, gas or oil well is completed.
Weekend - A book with a blah ending.
Whether - Unpredictable weather.
Wildlife - Living it up!
Witchcraft - Handmade crafts made for Halloween.
Woodchuck - Throwing a heavy pole, post or other item made of wood.
Workout - An outside job.
Writer - One who corrects a wrong.
Year Book - A book that takes a year to read.
Zero Hour - Time kept by a "cuckoo" clock.
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 7:29:13 2006. [Full View]

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 7:29:59 2006. [Full View]

There was this group of old ladies riding in their car about 35 miles an hour when a cop stopped them and asked, "Do you know your only going 35?"

"Yes" said the driver.

"Why are you going only 35?"

"Because the sign says 35." she replies.

"That�s the number of the road," the policeman said. "By the way, why are those ladies in the back seat so scared?".

The driver said," We just got off of Highway 95"
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 2 7:30:53 2006. [Full View]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "There's no one around for miles, why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went, dogs in trail.

That afternoon, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
From: RP on Tue May 2 13:49:09 2006. [Full View]

Santa and Banta are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store.
Santa says to Banta, "Well, what now? We`ve sold everything."
Banta replies, "Don`t worry, there`s this really stupid guy who comes in here everyday. We`ll have a few laughs on him."
Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, the stupid guy comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around.
"Tell me guys," asks the guy, "What have you guys got for sale today?"
Santa says, "Well we`re having a sale on assholes!"
The guy says, "Well, you must be doing pretty good. You only got two left!"
From: RP on Tue May 2 13:52:35 2006. [Full View]

A Little Old Lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It s a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the Bank staff finally ushered her into the President s office (the customer is always right!). The bank`s President then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma am, I m surprised you re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The President then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The Old Woman said, "Well, for example, I ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the President, "That s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The Old Lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the President, "I ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the President got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the Little Old Lady appeared with her lawyer at the president s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the President s balls are square!" The President agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The President complied. The little Old Lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the President, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the Old Lady, "What the hell s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I d have The Bank of Canada s President s balls in my hand."

From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 2 23:01:31 2006.

[Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Thathuvam of the day: poi sonnalum porundha sollanum

From: Hulkster on Tue May 2 23:26:37 2006. [Full View]

.....ithukku peru thaan tire punchu.....nice jokes gokul sir...
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 3 0:36:51 2006. [Full View]

Thanx Hero Sir.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 3 4:26:58 2006. [Full View]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
From: Hulkster on Wed May 3 4:53:47 2006. [Full View]

...oru thadavai yen friend yen kitae anupinaaru...thanks for reminding gokul sir..
From: LydiaRajan on Wed May 3 6:16:00 2006. [Full View]

GREAT KADI

Banta was admitted in the hospital. On hearing the news Santa rushes to the hospital to find his friend Banta seriously walking up & down with a book in his hand and recieting some thing loudly.

Santa: What made you come here?
Banta: I'm not feeling well.
Santa: Not feeling well!!! Now what is that you are reading.
Banta: Doctor told, I have to go for a blood TEST tomorrow.
From: Hulkster on Wed May 3 9:49:33 2006. [Full View]

...nalla velai...urinal test solluleiyae...ellei na ennathai padichirupaano...muruga muruga...
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed May 3 9:52:12 2006. [Full View]

Hulku adhu vera maadhiriyana joke. naan venumna pm panrean
From: Hulkster on Wed May 3 9:54:15 2006. [Full View]

PM ah?...aalai vidunga thamizh sir..oru joke podum.
From: bytezone on Wed May 3 12:25:15 2006. [Full View]

can u translate this into english...i appreciate it.

The mother is nagging her son to marry and brings her to lord ganesha's temple for prayers.

Son:Amma...yenukku kalyanam penna ishtam ellei
Mother:Yaen da?
Son:Vinayagar mettum 40 billions yearsku kalyanam pennulae...naan 40 varushathukku kalyanam pennamal irukka mudiyaatha?
Mother:Avar kaduvul da...kalyanam pennamalae vaala mudiyum...nee verum manithan.
Son:Approm yaen yennai kaduvula peithu yedukkulae?...kozhuppu thaanae?
Mother:

From: mgb on Wed May 3 12:43:54 2006.

[Full View]

bytezone wrote:

can u translate this into english...i appreciate it.

The mother is nagging her son to marry and brings her to lord ganesha's temple for prayers.

Son:Amma...yenukku kalyanam penna ishtam ellei
Mother:Yaen da?
Son:Vinayagar mettum 40 billions yearsku kalyanam pennulae...naan 40 varushathukku kalyanam pennamal irukka mudiyaatha?
Mother:Avar kaduvul da...kalyanam pennamalae vaala mudiyum...nee verum manithan.
Son:Approm yaen yennai kaduvula peithu yedukkulae?...kozhuppu thaanae?
Mother:

Hulk,
Look at the demand for your joke. I don't believe this

Ningale englishla translate panni sollidunga hulk ( I don't want to, as i am not ready to go through same trauma when i first read it). Also keep translations ready in other international languages. Might help when the film is remade in those languages or whenever these type of requests come in.

bytezone, hulk ll translate in the next 12 hours

From: Hulkster on Wed May 3 20:27:49 2006. [Full View]

Aaha....seri MGB sir...eppovae translate pennuraen.

Bytezone not sure if the humour in tamil passes on in english..but lets see how it works.

The mother is nagging her son to marry and brings her to lord ganesha's temple for prayers.

Son:Mom i do not feel like marrying.
Mom:Why son?
Son:if Lord Ganesha can live without a girl for 40 billion years,can't i live without a girl for 40 years?
Mom:Fool...Ganesha is a God..he can live without having to marry, but your a human..you need to marry to continue the generation.
Son: Then why did you not give birth to me as a God? Silly rite?
Mom:
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed May 3 22:01:42 2006. [Full View]

and all fellow hubbers
From: swathy on Thu May 4 0:54:05 2006. [Full View]

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from
Phagwara, District Kapurthala,Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire
kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"

Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Bush asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor."

Bush sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to
1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school
pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over a couple of
lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of
wars!"
From: Hulkster on Thu May 4 1:03:44 2006. [Full View]

...ithukku peru bush nethileh sardar adi.....nice one swath akka..
From: Lambretta on Thu May 4 1:09:55 2006. [Full View]

Yea, nice one Swathy!!
Esp. the cuss words used by the gurmukh chap & the description of his "army"!!

From: sgokulprathap on Thu May 4 4:07:56 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Aaha..

..seri MGB sir...eppovae translate pennuraen.

Bytezone not sure if the humour in tamil passes on in english..but lets see how it works.

The mother is nagging her son to marry and brings her to lord ganesha's temple for prayers.

Son:Mom i do not feel like marrying.
Mom:Why son?
Son:if Lord Ganesha can live without a girl for 40 billion years,can't i live without a girl for 40 years?
Mom:Fool...Ganesha is a God..he can live without having to marry, but your a human..you need to marry to continue the generation.
Son: Then why did you not give birth to me as a God? Silly rite? Evil or Very Mad

Mom:

Hulk, indha threadla mathavanga eppadi jokes solraangannu paathuttu neenga joke sollunga.

PS: Thamizh, kandippa andha padatha Englishlayum translate pannidunga.

From: Hulkster on Thu May 4 4:12:24 2006. [Full View]

Enna kodumai gokul sir ithu....naan yennodeiya imagination veichi ithu seinchaen.....
From: sgokulprathap on Thu May 4 4:15:53 2006. [Full View]

Naangallam enga imagination eduthu vitta neenga thaanga maateenga Hulk.
Edho naalu websitela pathadhayyo, illa emailla paathadhayyo anuppama, imagination edhukku ungalukku. Adhellam moolai irukaravanga pannatum.
From: Hulkster on Thu May 4 4:18:54 2006. [Full View]

Manichidunga Gokul sir...enimel imaginationai use penna mattein.....
From: sgokulprathap on Thu May 4 4:41:46 2006. [Full View]

Adhu
From: thamizhvaanan on Thu May 4 4:53:30 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Manichidunga Gokul sir...enimel imaginationai use penna mattein.....

enimel "enimel: use pannama irundaalum nalla irukkum
From: sgokulprathap on Thu May 4 4:59:39 2006. [Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Manichidunga Gokul sir...enimel imaginationai use penna mattein.....

enimel "enimel: use pannama irundaalum nalla irukkum

Paavam avara mannichu vittudalam. Appuram avar indha thread pakkam chumma browse panna kooda vara maattaar. Namma kobatha inga kaamikka vaendam. Avara padathula paathukalam.
From: mgb on Thu May 4 6:25:28 2006. [Full View]

Manmohan and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Manmohan?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over
and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Manmohan says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million
Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

Manmohan turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one
would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
From: mgb on Thu May 4 6:26:38 2006. [Full View]

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A: ...... Problem Solved!!!!

From: sgokulprathap on Thu May 4 6:36:17 2006.

[Full View]

mgb wrote:

Manmohan and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over
and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Manmohan says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million
Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

Manmohan turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one
would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

Confused between Manmohan and Vajpayee. Anyway Joke's good.

From: mgb on Thu May 4 6:48:40 2006. [Full View]

Oops!! Correction made.
From: Hulkster on Thu May 4 9:34:59 2006. [Full View]

Enna ellamae pakistani pathi joke ah irukku.......nice one Mgb..anaal intha mathiri jokes konjam pathiram..yerkanavae pakisatanukkum indiavukkum thala vs thalapathy fight mathiri sandai poduraanga...unga jokai padichaangana ungalai kolluvethukaaga oru padaiyae anippiduvaanga.
From: RP on Thu May 4 13:22:42 2006. [Full View]

An old man, a doctor and a story

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!"
"And the moral of the story is...?" replied the doctor.
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:05:19 2006. [Full View]

A Pakistani used to makefun of the 'melting-pot'USA. he said that whenever an American had nothing to do,he could amuse himself by trying to find out who his great-great-great-grandfather was. The American reported,'And whenever a Pakistani has nothing to do, he can amuse himself by trying to find out who his father was.'
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:09:15 2006. [Full View]

A Pakistani and an Indian get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Indian sees the Pakistani's car and asks, "So you're a Pakistani. I'm an Indian. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Pakistani replies, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from Allah."
The Indian continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Pakistani.

The Pakistani says "Even though alcohol is banned by Islam but it looks like Allah wanted us to drink." He takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Indian.

The Indian takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Pakistani. The Pakistani asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Indian replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police!
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:10:42 2006. [Full View]

Q:- Have you ever heard of a Pakistani Hero?
A:- Neither has Pakistan.

Q:- What is black & white and looks great on a Pakistani?

A:- A Doberman

Q:- How will you stop a Pakistani tank?

A:- Just kill the men who are pushing it from behind.

In 1965 & 1971 wars almost all captured territory was returned to Pakistan.
So what happens in the next war?
There wont be a country left to return territory to. Pakistan will be divided into 4 countries:
Sindh, Baluchistan, West Punjab & NWFP.
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:11:45 2006. [Full View]

Two ISI agents were walking in the woods of Nepal. One said, 'Oh look! Deer tracks! The other one argued, 'No silly! Those are wolf tracks!' They fought over it. Two hours later they were both killed by a train.
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:12:54 2006. [Full View]

Musharraf in Tunnel:
Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:14:09 2006. [Full View]

God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his time on earth. He replied saying he had three!
Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a Mercedes!

Subhash Chandra Bose is asked the same question.
When he replies he had 10 children, God is a bit upset and gives him a cheaper car, the Ford.

Jawaharlal is next.
He decides to see what happens if he says he had 15 children, God is pretty angry and gives him an inexpensive Maruti.

Sometime later the three see Mahatma Gandhi returning on foot.
They ask why God hadn't given him anything.
Gandhiji replied with anger, "Some idiot told God that I was the FATHER OF THE NATION!"
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:15:35 2006. [Full View]

Laloo's Son Marriage

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.

Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

This is how business is done!!!
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:17:13 2006. [Full View]

1. Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?

A. It's a solar powered flashlight.

2. Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?

A. The new automatic Pakistani parachutes.

3. Why did Nawaz Sharief decide to have only 4 kids?

A. Because he'd read in the newspaper that 1 out of every 5 babies born in the world today is Chinese.

4. How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?

A. Put it in water.

5. Did you hear the news about a 747 which crashed in a cemetery in Karachi?

A.The Pakistani officials have so far retrieved 3000 bodies.

6. Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who wanted to be buried at sea on his death?

A. Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.

7. Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi?

A. There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall:people were stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs.

8. Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre?

A. They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".

9. Did you hear about the Pakistani Air-Force helicopter crash?

A. The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

10. Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses?

A. They get it from chasing parked cars.

11. Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for 5 days?

A. He was scheduled to take a urine test.

12. Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?

A. Somebody stole the book.

13 : How do you save a drowning Pakistani?
A : Take your foot off his head!
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:18:35 2006. [Full View]

For three years, the young Pakistani had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried."I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a b@$t@rd in the family than a Pakistani."
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:20:26 2006. [Full View]

A Russian, a Cuban, an Britisher and a Pakistani are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have most of the cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the Britisher just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Pakistani through it...
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:36:43 2006. [Full View]

You're So Stupid... Color TV

You're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked, �What color?�
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:38:00 2006. [Full View]

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:45:21 2006. [Full View]

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:48:29 2006. [Full View]

The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, �Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?�

�Phew, that one's easy,� says the teacher, �The Titanic.�

�Alright,� said St.Peter, �you may pass.�

Then the thief got his question: �How many died on the Titanic?�

The thief replied, �That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.� And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: �Name them.�
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:53:47 2006. [Full View]

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 14:57:33 2006. [Full View]

ENGINEER IN HELL

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 15:07:52 2006. [Full View]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.''

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 15:13:15 2006. [Full View]

Prisoner of War

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

spacer
From: c4ramesh on Thu May 4 15:14:57 2006. [Full View]

Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
From: sgokulprathap on Thu May 4 23:42:21 2006. [Full View]

Enna Ramesh, non-stoppa 19 jokes adichiteenga.
From: Hulkster on Thu May 4 23:46:05 2006. [Full View]

Athulae paathi Pakistani jokes.......enna irunthaalum Sardaroda mosama pakistaniyai frame pennitaenge..paavam pakisatani manushanga.
From: mgb on Fri May 5 0:40:37 2006. [Full View]

Good ones, Ramesh
From: Alan on Fri May 5 0:45:31 2006. [Full View]

scorpio wrote:

Oxford addes a new word to dictionary :
Word : Ganguly.

Example Sentence:
His attendance in office is 'ganguly' .

It means he comes and goes immediately ....

From: sgokulprathap on Fri May 5 1:02:30 2006.

[Full View]

Alan wrote:

scorpio wrote:

Oxford addes a new word to dictionary :
Word : Ganguly.

Example Sentence:
His attendance in office is 'ganguly' .

It means he comes and goes immediately .... Wink

Actually Kaif fits that one more aptly than Ganguly.

From: rachel on Fri May 5 1:19:59 2006. [Full View]
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 5 13:21:48 2006. [Full View]

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, �Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.� The boy replied, �I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.�
From: Braandan on Fri May 5 21:04:01 2006. [Full View]

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up..... naked.
From: thamizhvaanan on Fri May 5 22:59:54 2006. [Full View]

From: Lambretta on Fri May 5 23:13:13 2006.

[Full View]

c4ramesh wrote:

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, �Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.� The boy replied, �I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.�

Good 1

From: Lambretta on Fri May 5 23:16:42 2006. [Full View]

Braandan wrote:

jihad

Howz jihad goin2 to satusfy a woman? I thot jihadis wer far from being interested in satisfying women....?
From: Hulkster on Fri May 5 23:29:55 2006. [Full View]

Jihadis have cases of raping women....but even then that does not bring to satisfaction...seri vidunga....nice one braandan and c4ramesh...bush and pakistanis seem to be hated alot..
From: c4ramesh on Fri May 5 23:37:35 2006. [Full View]

Special High Intensity Teaching

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Sincerely, Dean B. Reel

From: c4ramesh on Fri May 5 23:38:50 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Jihadis have cases of raping women....but even then that does not bring to satisfaction...seri vidunga....nice one braandan and c4ramesh...bush and pakistanis seem to be hated alot.. Laughing

yeah!

From: Lambretta on Fri May 5 23:43:31 2006. [Full View]

c4ramesh wrote:

Special High Intensity Teaching......

Good one again!
From: Hulkster on Fri May 5 23:58:53 2006. [Full View]

-deleted-

offensive post
From: sgokulprathap on Sat May 6 0:27:35 2006. [Full View]

Yow, Hulk nee thirundhave maatiyaa.
From: sgokulprathap on Sat May 6 0:29:19 2006. [Full View]

Yeppa paaru kadavul perula kadi podura. Mavane unakku naragamthan.
From: villan007 on Sat May 6 0:34:23 2006. [Full View]

Hulk , seri joke post pannu..
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 6 0:35:50 2006. [Full View]
From: Hulkster on Sat May 6 0:41:36 2006. [Full View]

C4ramesh sir.....namma ellam peiyae paarthu heart attack leh saavuruthu ungalakku joka irukka?.....nalla joke..
From: mgb on Sat May 6 0:42:26 2006. [Full View]

Hulk...

Indha imsaiya englishla translate panna solli vera ippo request varum
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 6 0:44:05 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

C4ramesh sir.....namma ellam peiyae paarthu heart attack leh saavuruthu ungalakku joka irukka?.....nalla joke..

indha shockka kuda thanga mudyadha? ....
From: Hulkster on Sat May 6 0:44:24 2006. [Full View]

....english leh sonaal humour irukaathu...naan vera stylae try pennuvaen appadi vanthaal...yevanum padikka mattaan yendru ninaikiraen..
From: Hulkster on Sat May 6 0:45:20 2006. [Full View]

ramesh sir mudiyum...anaal konjam slighta valikethu...
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 6 0:47:37 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

ramesh sir mudiyum...anaal konjam slighta valikethu...

amam amam, ennakum mudhalae partha bodu slighta valichdu
From: Fire111999 on Sat May 6 2:33:37 2006. [Full View]

oh god! that was horrible. how am i gonna sleep tonight? i come here to read jokes. not to be scared out of my life!

edit it pls! at least others won't get a shock of their lives!

From: sgokulprathap on Sat May 6 4:15:14 2006.

[Full View]

Fire111999 wrote:

oh god! that was horrible. how am i gonna sleep tonight? i come here to read jokes. not to be scared out of my life! Twisted Evil

edit it pls! at least others won't get a shock of their lives!

Aduthavanga kashtapaduradha paakaradhula avarukku appadi oru sandhosham.

From: Fire111999 on Sat May 6 4:31:37 2006.

[Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Fire111999 wrote:

oh god! that was horrible. how am i gonna sleep tonight? i come here to read jokes. not to be scared out of my life! Twisted Evil

edit it pls! at least others won't get a shock of their lives!

Aduthavanga kashtapaduradha paakaradhula avarukku appadi oru sandhosham. Evil or Very Mad

yeah! i don't see how scaring pple is funny!

From: rachel on Sat May 6 4:43:05 2006. [Full View]
From: sgokulprathap on Sat May 6 5:20:31 2006. [Full View]

Rachel, idhuthan unga default posta
From: thamizhvaanan on Sat May 6 5:38:46 2006. [Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Rachel, idhuthan unga default posta

vera threadla avangala paathu copy adichuttu, neenga indha paechu pesa koodathu
From: sgokulprathap on Sat May 6 5:44:07 2006. [Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

sgokulprathap wrote:

Rachel, idhuthan unga default posta

vera threadla avangala paathu copy adichuttu, neenga indha paechu pesa koodathu

Kelambitaaruya collectoru.
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 6 6:56:15 2006. [Full View]

A man has six children...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
From: c4ramesh on Sat May 6 22:57:13 2006. [Full View]

So Did I!

A man having a drink in the bar decides to go to the bathroom. But since he hasn't finished his drink and fearing some one may drink it, he splits in it and puts a note on it stating "DON'T DRINK, I HAVE
SPLIT IN IT" and on his return he sees some thing has been added to his note and it read "SO DID I!"
From: terminator on Sun May 7 4:57:43 2006. [Full View]

Yaaru balasaalinu yaanaikkum, naalu yerumbukkum sandai vanthiruchu..

Yaanai thumbikkai kitta iruntha muthal yerumbu solluchu.. "machi naan ivanoda thumbikkai pudichu thooki veesidarean..."

Yaanai kaalukku kezhe iruntha rendavathu yerumbu sollucham.. "Venanda naan ivanoda kaalai odchidurean"

Udane moonavathu yerumbu sollucham.. "ivankitta enna pechu naan oru adi thalaila adichana mannukkulla poiduvaan"

Then naalavathu yerumbu yenna solli irukkum

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"dei vidungada, avan oruthan naama naalu paeru, polachu pogattum" nu sollucham
From: Hulkster on Sun May 7 5:05:19 2006. [Full View]

...super kadi joke termi sir...enimel intha mathiri yerumbu thaan namakku thevai...
From: Fire111999 on Sun May 7 5:52:18 2006. [Full View]

i'm so bored!

Answering machine message
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
From: great on Sun May 7 5:53:08 2006. [Full View]

Hi Thee,

howz the weekend faring
From: Fire111999 on Sun May 7 5:56:07 2006. [Full View]

When you know you must really be drunk
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he?d had enough.

The bartender said, "I?ve got to ask you. What?s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer?s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I?ve had enough."
From: Fire111999 on Sun May 7 5:57:10 2006. [Full View]

great wrote:

Hi Thee,

howz the weekend faring

oh hello!

quite alright. thank u.

what abt u?
From: great on Sun May 7 5:58:11 2006. [Full View]

its good !!
From: Fire111999 on Sun May 7 6:00:50 2006. [Full View]

good! what other threads r u on right now? is the hub very active right now?

Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."

In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."

Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.

A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
From: great on Sun May 7 6:01:57 2006. [Full View]

//good! what other threads r u on right now? is the hub very active right now?

Npe sunday will be dull , no thread is active rite now except for misc
From: Fire111999 on Sun May 7 6:05:48 2006. [Full View]

i c. what threads in misc? anything particularly interesting? i'm not officially in the hub now! cos i've "stopped" coming to the hub until after my exams!

two drunks
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
From: great on Sun May 7 6:07:27 2006. [Full View]

//i c. what threads in misc? anything particularly interesting? i'm not officially in the hub now! cos i've "stopped" coming to the hub until after my exams!

no we are just chatting thats in preferred location thread. when is ur exam my wishes for ur exams

From: Fire111999 on Sun May 7 6:10:36 2006.

[Full View]

great wrote:

//i c. what threads in misc? anything particularly interesting? i'm not officially in the hub now! cos i've "stopped" coming to the hub until after my exams!

no we are just chatting thats in preferred location thread. when is ur exam Question

my wishes for ur exams Smile

ok. maybe i'll come over to that thread. exams starting june7th. so there's still quite some time to go. thanks.

From: c4ramesh on Sun May 7 7:48:18 2006. [Full View]

Stupid Questions, Stupid Answers!

Here are 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers they deserve:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends?
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here. and I also come here normally to pray......

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... Why don't you try again?

3. At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Paneer Butter Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- oh! darling! you've become so big...
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in africa marry or not. And you thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Will u tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No! it won't. It will just bleed and I will feel like dying....it's okay.....

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke ?
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

From: mgb on Sun May 7 12:09:22 2006.

[Full View]

Fire111999 wrote:

When you know you must really be drunk
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he?d had enough.

The bartender said, "I?ve got to ask you. What?s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer?s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I?ve had enough."

should have been wife and beautiful

From: kb on Sun May 7 16:44:57 2006.

[Full View]

mgb wrote:

Fire111999 wrote:

should have been wife and beautiful ROTFL

so ponnu paaka pomothu we shouldnot be drunk

From: Hulkster on Mon May 8 0:40:39 2006. [Full View]

A traditional indian family is disgusted with their son's negligence to pray to god...one day the father overhears his son chanting "sri balakrishna namaha" and gets delighted only to find.

Father: ...Maganae..nee kumbidum bothu narayanan padam vanungugirai enru ninaithaen..anaal poi poi telungu nadigan balakrishna padathai vanungiraaiyae.

Son : Appa...naan unnum summa kumbiduvethillai..yennodeiya pointai prove penna naan oru kelvi keikettuma?

Father : Keithu tholai

Son : Kaduvul ninaithaal nikkum rayilai kuda reverse leh poga vaipaara?

Father : Amam...athukkum balakrishnakkum enna samantham?

Son : Kaduvul nikkum rayilai reverse leh poga veikka mudiyum..Anaal Balakrishna 5 erumai maadugal nikkura rayilaiyae reverse leh poga vaithaaar. Appadi paarthal balakrishna thaan kaduvulukku senior kaduvul...athu naalae thaan balakrisnavai kumbiduraen. Sri Balakrishna Namaha.

Father : Enna kodumai ithu kaduvulae
From: great on Mon May 8 1:18:01 2006. [Full View]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes
as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time
of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only
16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond
recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... Those twenty
years would have been over today."

From: Hulkster on Mon May 8 1:20:40 2006.

[Full View]

great wrote:

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes
as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time
of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only
16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond
recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... Those twenty
years would have been over today."

Great sir this joke has already been posted pa...two pages munaadi intha joke vanthaachi

From: c4ramesh on Mon May 8 1:57:56 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

A traditional indian family is disgusted with their son's negligence to pray to god...one day the father overhears his son chanting "sri balakrishna namaha" and gets delighted only to find.

Father: Mad

...Maganae..nee kumbidum bothu narayanan padam vanungugirai enru ninaithaen..anaal poi poi telungu nadigan balakrishna padathai vanungiraaiyae.

Son : Appa...naan unnum summa kumbiduvethillai..yennodeiya pointai prove penna naan oru kelvi keikettuma?

Father : Keithu tholai

Son : Kaduvul ninaithaal nikkum rayilai kuda reverse leh poga vaipaara?

Father : Amam...athukkum balakrishnakkum enna samantham?

Son : Kaduvul nikkum rayilai reverse leh poga veikka mudiyum..Anaal Balakrishna 5 erumai maadugal nikkura rayilaiyae reverse leh poga vaithaaar. Appadi paarthal balakrishna thaan kaduvulukku senior kaduvul...athu naalae thaan balakrisnavai kumbiduraen. Sri Balakrishna Namaha.

Father : Enna kodumai ithu kaduvulae Banging Head

hulk sir, epadielam kaditchingana nan aludruvean

kadavulai vita ungalukku vera jokea kedaikalliya

From: Hulkster on Mon May 8 2:01:53 2006. [Full View]

...seringa ramesh sir...adutta thadavai kaduvulai vittu escape aaguraen..naan ovvuru genreya jump pennikittu varuvaen..kavalai padathaenge...
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 8 2:14:30 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

...seringa ramesh sir...adutta thadavai kaduvulai vittu escape aaguraen..naan ovvuru genreya jump pennikittu varuvaen..kavalai padathaenge...

thanx sir!
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 8 2:15:32 2006. [Full View]

What Is Politics?

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me �Tony Blair.� Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her �Gordon Brown.� We take care of your needs, so we'll call you �the People.� We'll call the maid �the Working Class,� and your baby brother we can call �the Future.� Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of sh!t.
spacer
From: Hulkster on Mon May 8 2:30:12 2006. [Full View]

...aahaa british politics nalla sangu sirrikethu...enna irunthaalum ithu konjam unmai thaan...nice one ramesh sir..
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 8 3:24:47 2006. [Full View]

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 8 3:29:45 2006. [Full View]

More True-Life Accounts of Stupidity

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

And for the Main Course

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

Too Well-Educated

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

...Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
From: mgb on Mon May 8 7:09:07 2006. [Full View]

This one is dedicated to Equation King TV

1.To find a woman you need time and money, therefore
Woman = Time X Money

2.Time is money so,
Time = Money

3.Therefore,
Woman = Money X Money

4.Money is the root of all problems, so
__ ________________
Money = \/ Problems

5.Therefore,
__________ ___________ _________
Woman = \/ Problems X \/ Problems

And Hence, Woman = Problems
From: Shekhar on Mon May 8 8:03:29 2006. [Full View]

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
From: Hulkster on Mon May 8 21:31:44 2006. [Full View]

The election results have been announced and vijaykanth has been elected the chief minister due to a landslide victory of achieving 2 votes more than DMK...what will be his parliament dialogues be?

Chief Minister rally - "MGR kai veichi ezhai makkalakku uthuvi seithaar anaal naan kaal veichaal ezhai makkalae irukka mataanga"

Promises to People - "Satharana manithan CM ah irunthaal konjam thaan uthuvi seiya mudiyum anaal naan CM Ayithaal Tamil Naadukku uthuvi seiyavae thevai ellei"

Focus on tsunami danger - "Mattavanga CM ah vanthirunthaal tsunami intha naadae azhichirukkum anaal naan CM ah vanthaal tsunamikkae shock adikkum."

Counter words to opposition parties - "Tamil Naduleh mottam 4 parties...athulae kalla vottu adikuruvaanga 3....lanjam vaanguravaanga 2...overa arukkuruvanga 1....antha ondru neenga thaan da.."
From: thamizhvaanan on Mon May 8 22:32:00 2006. [Full View]

andha onnu hulku thaan

From: thamizhvaanan on Mon May 8 22:32:53 2006.

[Full View]

mgb wrote:

This one is dedicated to Equation King TV

1.To find a woman you need time and money, therefore
Woman = Time X Money

2.Time is money so,
Time = Money

3.Therefore,
Woman = Money X Money

4.Money is the root of all problems, so
__ ________________
Money = \/ Problems

5.Therefore,
__________ ___________ _________
Woman = \/ Problems X \/ Problems

And Hence, Woman = Problems

Idha naan equation podamalae solvanea

damn, i have to go to puzzles thread

From: sgokulprathap on Mon May 8 23:30:49 2006. [Full View]

Indiavukku Sudhandhiram kadachu 49 varusham aachu.
Aana indha hubberskku Hulk kadi jokes kitta irundhu eppa viduthalai kedaikumo.
Endru thaniyum indha sudhanthira thaagam.

From: sgokulprathap on Mon May 8 23:31:33 2006.

[Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

mgb wrote:

Idha naan equation podamalae solvanea Laughing

damn, i have to go to puzzles thread Hammer

Tirupathikke ladda. TVkke equationna.

From: Hulkster on Mon May 8 23:39:32 2006.

[Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Indiavukku Sudhandhiram kadachu 49 varusham aachu.
Aana indha hubberskku Hulk kadi jokes kitta irundhu eppa viduthalai kedaikumo.
Endru thaniyum indha sudhanthira thaagam.

Naan avala mosamava jokes yeluthuraen..

..?

From: Raikkonen on Mon May 8 23:43:09 2006. [Full View]

This is Tamil Movie related jokes..

Rajni: Yarukku mass irukkuto avangathan superstar
Prasanth: Enakku koda rendu 2 koimbatorelayum 1 pollachilayum irukku

Interviewer: Karthik has broken your record as youngest singer in tamil movie, what u think about that..
Ramesh: I will sing today and break that record again...
From: NOV on Tue May 9 0:51:41 2006. [Full View]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, ! no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! Wh at can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only log ical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
From: mgb on Tue May 9 0:57:19 2006. [Full View]

NOV...
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 9 0:59:02 2006. [Full View]

Reply to a matrimonial ad (Dont miss the last line)

madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot
tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am guy.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.

So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours

Hougang Chandrasekar.

From: Fire111999 on Tue May 9 1:10:51 2006.

[Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Indiavukku Sudhandhiram kadachu 49 varusham aachu.
Aana indha hubberskku Hulk kadi jokes kitta irundhu eppa viduthalai kedaikumo.
Endru thaniyum indha sudhanthira thaagam.

an advice from me: don't even bother to read his jokes. i know i don't!

From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 1:11:10 2006. [Full View]

Nov sir Sister logical logic veichae jeichithaanga pa

Gokul sir ...enna thairiyam iruntaal yen perai defame pennuvaenge...
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 9 1:16:39 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Nov sir Sister logical logic veichae jeichithaanga pa

Gokul sir ...enna thairiyam iruntaal yen perai defame pennuvaenge...

Oh, unga peru Chandrasekarra. I really donno. Andha situationukku suit aagara madhiri oru peru vachen (of my imagination). Adhu unga pera irukkumnu enakku theriyala.
From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 9 1:23:48 2006. [Full View]

gokul sir!! ippadi oru A rated posta!!! SJ suryavaiye minjitteenga!
From: Thunderbird on Tue May 9 1:26:40 2006. [Full View]

gokul, your post
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 9 1:26:47 2006. [Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

gokul sir!! ippadi oru A rated posta!!! SJ suryavaiye minjitteenga!

Actualla adhu innum romba mosama irundhuchu. Naanthan Hougang Chandrasekar maanam romba poga vendamnu konjam edit panni potten.
From: Fire111999 on Tue May 9 1:29:36 2006. [Full View]

sth tt might appeal to thamizh:

Log negative one zero
Theorem: log(-1) = 0
Proof:
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)

On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0

Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0
From: a.ratchasi on Tue May 9 4:14:22 2006. [Full View]

Here's the untold secret of married life....

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,'that's once'.

" We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse,
while I was shouting; she looked at me, and quietly said,
'That's once'. "And we lived happily ever after."

"Live is short, so be happy with what we have..."
From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 4:16:09 2006. [Full View]

A.Ratchasi...ellarukkum eppadi oru pondadi kideithaal namma pakkam prachanaiyum varaathu avanga pakkamum prachanai varaathu......nalla joke
From: Alan on Tue May 9 4:22:03 2006. [Full View]

@ a.ratchasi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: a.ratchasi on Tue May 9 4:22:18 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

A.Ratchasi...ellarukkum eppadi oru pondadi kideithaal namma pakkam prachanaiyum varaathu avanga pakkamum prachanai varaathu......nalla joke

There you go, a win-win situation!!
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:28:06 2006. [Full View]

a.ratchasi wrote:

Here's the untold secret of married life....
wow! You have neatly interchanged the genders in this joke!
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:30:11 2006. [Full View]

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:30:49 2006. [Full View]

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:31:37 2006. [Full View]

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:32:06 2006. [Full View]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:32:48 2006. [Full View]

My Dearest Darling Radha,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
Kannan

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:34:23 2006. [Full View]

Chandran was in Chennai during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Chandran as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if stood by the balcony like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."
From: NOV on Tue May 9 4:35:58 2006. [Full View]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 4:38:03 2006. [Full View]

First joke...Moral of the story : Manithavimanam ungal vazhkai naragama aakum...

Second joke..Moral of the story : santhaegam kalyanathin vaibogam......what happens if there is saliva on the coat?...

Third joke...Moral of the story : Maamiyarukku saavilum uyirodu varuvaal.....

Fourth joke...Moral of the story : Kalyanamum saavum onnu thaan.....
From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 4:40:49 2006. [Full View]

...paavam raadha...kaasuthaan kathalam avar purushanukku....

...purushan kulunthai varathai yethir paarthaaln..anaal eppo danger plus aruvai yethir paarka vendiyirikkuth
From: mgb on Tue May 9 4:50:38 2006. [Full View]

Santa is Flying from Moscow to Delhi.
To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc.
Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $100"?
Santa: "But you are too damn good".
Gary: "I will play left handed".
Santa cannot resist the bet and accepts.
Kasparov, Check Mates our Santa in 8 Moves .......
Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane. Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.
Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You are an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?
Banta: "Abe khote....... Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You donkey, Gary Kasparov is a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed).
From: mgb on Tue May 9 4:57:37 2006. [Full View]

Banta is standing on platform no.1 waiting for the punjab mail to arrive.
There is an announcement "Passengers to note.. Train no 234 dn Punjab mail from New Delhi will be arriving on `platform` no.1 shortly."
Hearing this Banta gets panicky..He immediately picked up his baggage, jumped on to the railway track and stood there..
From: mgb on Tue May 9 4:59:40 2006. [Full View]

Santa: Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it?

Banta (after inspecting the glass) : Yes, that is funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 9 5:02:08 2006. [Full View]

Nice ones mgb
From: mgb on Tue May 9 5:02:50 2006. [Full View]

Once Santa Singh became a train driver.
One day the train, he was driving, was going peacefully on the rail tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. At the next railway station Santa Singh was caught: He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks, etc.
The authorities questioned: Santa Singh are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger!? You should have run over that person.
Santa said: Exactly! That is what I also decided,but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close!
From: mgb on Tue May 9 5:05:54 2006. [Full View]

One day, Santa, the taxi driver, was driving along he saw a priest looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I m going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I ll get you there. Get in."
The happy priest climbed in and the taxi driver continued down the road. Suddenly Santa saw a Pakistani walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Paki. However even though he was certain he missed the Paki, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn t see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
"I m sorry Father. I almost hit that Pakistani"
"That s okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 9 5:07:59 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

My Dearest Darling Radha,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
Kannan

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

PS: NOV, do u have the phone no. of radha?

From: thamizhvaanan on Tue May 9 5:12:56 2006. [Full View]

This is one joke i vaguely remember! I guess u guyz wud have heard this b4!

A magician was said to be adept at hypnotizing. He was performing a live demonstration at an auditorium in front of 200 people, claiming that he would hypnotize all of them.

He took out his magic crystal, oscillated it slowly and whispered into the mike " you are feeling sleepy".

everyone in the audience started yawning and felt very drowsy.

Then he said "Stand up". Each of the audience stood up. He says sit, and they do the same. As he was about to give his next instruction, the cystal from his hand fell!!! He screamed "S***"

It took one week to clean the auditorium.
From: mgb on Tue May 9 5:18:26 2006. [Full View]

Rules for which reasons are not-known...

The rules however, always Work.....

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will actually have a flat tire.
O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bell's Theorem:
As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.
Rubys Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.
Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn't work, it will.
Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.
Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Wooly's law:
When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.
From: a.ratchasi on Tue May 9 5:25:07 2006. [Full View]

NOV wrote:

a.ratchasi wrote:

Here's the untold secret of married life....
wow! You have neatly interchanged the genders in this joke!

Opps! NOV, I will remove it if makes you uneasy.
Apologies for not interchanging the genders.
That would've made it really hilarious.... man calling the shots...(pun intended)
From: mgb on Tue May 9 6:11:02 2006. [Full View]

Santa: Banta.. Why are you burying your driving license?

Banta: It is expired

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a library

Santa : How come this book has only characters but no stories?

Librarian: Oh, you are the one who took the Telephone directory

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa works as a waiter and explaining about curd to a foreigner

Santa: Milk sleeping in the night, morning becomes tight.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At an ATM

Santa (to Banta): I have seen your password, it is *****

Banta: You have mistaken, my password is 12345

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a textile shop

Santa: Can I have curtains for my computer? I bought windows for my computer.
From: mgb on Tue May 9 7:30:15 2006. [Full View]

At a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, " I'll give 20 bucks to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 20 bucks"

As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Jignesh dreplied,"Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 7:33:38 2006. [Full View]

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 7:40:34 2006. [Full View]

Jesus and Satan are having a conversation...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
From: mgb on Tue May 9 7:45:25 2006. [Full View]

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right.
The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech support: (hush hush)

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS .
Letme know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file.
Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech support: How did you come to that conclusion?

Tech support: (hush hush)

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
From: terminator on Tue May 9 7:56:49 2006. [Full View]

MGB and Ramesh good jokes
i cant control
From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 10:06:23 2006. [Full View]

Jesus kapaathithaara......nice way of putting the joke...MGB sardar jokes ellam santa jokes ayithaa?..

-deleted-
From: mgb on Tue May 9 10:09:51 2006. [Full View]

Hulk.. Adhu Santa singh and Banta singh
From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 10:12:48 2006. [Full View]

Athaan santa nu peru varuthu leh...approm santa jokes thaan...
From: NOV on Tue May 9 10:16:38 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Jesus kapaathithaara......nice way of putting the joke...MGB sardar jokes ellam santa jokes ayithaa?..

-deleted-
Hulk, have some decorum when you make posts.
And there is really NO NEED to respond to every single post!

From: Hulkster on Tue May 9 10:20:34 2006.

[Full View]

NOV wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Jesus kapaathithaara... Laughing

...nice way of putting the joke...MGB sardar jokes ellam santa jokes ayithaa?.. LOL

-deleted-

Hulk, have some decorum when you make posts.
And there is really NO NEED to respond to every single post! Rolling Eyes

Oh..

...seri seri....intha postukku reply pennulam lae? wokay notice heeded...

From: Fire111999 on Tue May 9 10:38:18 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

NOV wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Jesus kapaathithaara... Laughing

...nice way of putting the joke...MGB sardar jokes ellam santa jokes ayithaa?.. LOL

-deleted-

Hulk, have some decorum when you make posts.
And there is really NO NEED to respond to every single post! Rolling Eyes

Oh..

...seri seri....intha postukku reply pennulam lae? wokay notice heeded... Smile

yeah, hulk, i agree with Nov. during my hols i was at 50 posts per day. but i didn't make unnecessary posts like this. i only posted when i really wanted to share sth relevant. we are not on a most number of posts per day race here. we want to share interesting stuff. so do think twice before making a post.

From: Fire111999 on Tue May 9 10:41:18 2006. [Full View]

Call us for assistanceThe following is supposedly a true story.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'

The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
From: Fire111999 on Tue May 9 10:42:28 2006. [Full View]

Give me free meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
From: RP on Tue May 9 13:17:08 2006. [Full View]

"Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary."

"Bill Clintons book is actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I believe, are about a boy and his wand."

From: Alan on Tue May 9 13:42:20 2006.

[Full View]

Fire111999 wrote:

Give me free meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

From: Alan on Tue May 9 13:43:03 2006.

[Full View]

RP wrote:

"Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary."

"Bill Clintons book is actually longer than the new Harry Potter book. And both of them, I believe, are about a boy and his wand."

From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 23:25:46 2006. [Full View]

Funny Quotes from Gore

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

-- Vice President Al Gore
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 23:29:46 2006. [Full View]

Will of Americans

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Bush called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," Bush ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 23:36:25 2006. [Full View]

Plane's terrorist

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"
From: Surya on Tue May 9 23:38:04 2006. [Full View]

Brilliant!
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 23:40:16 2006. [Full View]

People are stupid

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 9 23:47:35 2006. [Full View]

Chased by a bear

George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."

"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.

"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."

"George!" G. W's mama says.

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.

But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 10 0:15:56 2006. [Full View]

Bill Clinton in Titanic!

Click here to see included image.
From: Badri on Wed May 10 2:30:01 2006. [Full View]

Work or Prison??

IN PRISON

you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK

You spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON
you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK
.you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON
you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON
you get your own toilet.

AT WORK
you have to share.

IN PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Hmm?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for.........

Trash The Office!!!
From: Hulkster on Wed May 10 3:25:20 2006. [Full View]

There is a tamil songs talent contest and every contestant sings his favourite song. Some express themselves like SPB...and some sound like SJ Surya with sore throat and the judges are disappointed with the lack of showbiz style of singing among the singers.

Just then a singer dressed like michael jackson moonwalks in and puts his finger up...the judges are surprised and await his song entry with glee.

And he sings "Kalyanama Kalyanam...Kalayanama Kalyanam" with his finger shaking....without a word the judges drooped their faces on the table.
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 10 3:31:25 2006. [Full View]

Ayyo indha Chandrasekar kosu tholla thaanga mudiyalaye.
From: Hulkster on Wed May 10 3:36:11 2006. [Full View]

Yaen yengae vanthaalum yennai torture pennuraenge...
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 10 4:09:55 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Yaen yengae vanthaalum yennai torture pennuraenge...

Adhathan naanum kekaren.
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed May 10 4:10:43 2006. [Full View]

Top 3 scary things in hub!

3. Selva Dada's name next to a thread in which u posted last.( He is defntly going to have a dig at you)

2. NOV's name displayed as the latest post in ur favourite thread. (invariably the thread is going to be locked or deleted in future )

And the scariest thing of all, the nightmare that haunts every hubbers dreams is
...
..
.

1. Hulk's name appearing in Jokes thread. Thats it! run for ur life!!! dont even dare to look at the title of the joke!
In that case,the thread has to be renamed as "A hulk's joke per day... keeps the hubbers away!"
From: thamizhvaanan on Wed May 10 4:21:01 2006. [Full View]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
From: dev on Wed May 10 4:45:00 2006. [Full View]

sbadri99 wrote:

Work or Prison??
.
.
.
.

Hmm?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for.........

Trash The Office!!!

From: rami on Wed May 10 5:26:32 2006.

[Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

From: nms on Wed May 10 5:52:40 2006. [Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

Top 3 scary things in hub!
1. Hulk's name appearing in Jokes thread. Thats it! run for ur life!!! dont even dare to look at the title of the joke!
From: great on Wed May 10 5:55:57 2006. [Full View]

//1. Hulk's name appearing in Jokes thread. Thats it! run for ur life!!! dont even dare to look at the title of the joke!

Bitter Realities

From: Alan on Wed May 10 8:02:30 2006.

[Full View]

thamizhvaanan wrote:

Top 3 scary things in hub!

3. Selva Dada's name next to a thread in which u posted last.( He is defntly going to have a dig at you)

2. NOV's name displayed as the latest post in ur favourite thread. (invariably the thread is going to be locked or deleted in future Laughing

)

And the scariest thing of all, the nightmare that haunts every hubbers dreams is
...
..
.

1. Hulk's name appearing in Jokes thread. Thats it! run for ur life!!! dont even dare to look at the title of the joke!

Too good!

From: Fire111999 on Wed May 10 8:07:09 2006. [Full View]

great wrote:

//1. Hulk's name appearing in Jokes thread. Thats it! run for ur life!!! dont even dare to look at the title of the joke!

Bitter Realities

i agree!
From: Hulkster on Wed May 10 8:39:46 2006. [Full View]

Thamizh...irunthichi onnae onnu yenukku intha hubbulae athu thaan yennodeiya image...summa joke padichoma pogama irukaamal yennodeiya jokes pathi tappa pesi imagum pochi..enimel oru jokum intha thread leh varaathu....santhosama?..
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 10 9:43:06 2006. [Full View]

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh!t, we're f**ked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 10 9:52:52 2006. [Full View]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then
says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in
shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I
know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the crap out of him."
From: c4ramesh on Wed May 10 9:55:11 2006. [Full View]

10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
From: Querida on Wed May 10 17:12:07 2006. [Full View]

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
From: Lambretta on Thu May 11 7:59:50 2006. [Full View]

Good one, que!
From: Hulkster on Fri May 12 1:45:30 2006. [Full View]

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu..

Narayanan wants to get more pocket money but his mother is very defiant and says that she will not give him a single paisa more.

Narayanan : Yaen amma neenga yenukku unnum konjam kaasu kodukka maaturaenge...after all extra 20 dolalrs thaanae.

Amma : ...avan avan therulae 20 paisakaaga pichai yedukiraan...naan unukku summa extra 20 dollars kodukkunuma?

Narayanan : Avangalavethu therulae pichai yeduthaalum 20 paisa kuda kideikethu...naan veetulae pichai yeduthaal seruppu adi thaan viluvethu...ithu niyayama?

Amma : Vara vara un vaayi rombo neeluthu...rombo keithu poithae narayana..

Narayanan : Vaayi neeluvethukku naan enna rubber vaaya valuthu veichirukkaen?..appadina athulae oonjal katti neengalae padunga...

Amma : Vendam Narayana..naan rotan yeduttu adippaen..

Narayannan gets very scared and immediately

Narayanan : Kalaiyil dhinamum kan vizhithaal naan kai thodum thevathai amma.

Amma : Niruthu....yentha kaalathilae neen yennai kai thottirukkae?..nee kalaiyilae kan vizhithaalae illeana padam paarthu jollu viduruthai thaan paarthirukkaen.

Narayanan : Pinna paravai munniyamma paarthu jolluva vida mudiyum?....seri mudiva kaasai kodukuraengela elleiya?

Amma : Mudiyaathu..

Narayanan : Appo naa enimel neenga suntv leh anandhamum kolangalum paarka mudiyaathu...

Amma : ...raasa..chellamae...navamaniyae...yaen pa eppadi ellam seiyurae...after all 20 dollars thaanae...poi yeduthukka raasa...unukku ellathatha.

Narayanan : ....nandri amma.

Moral of the story : Thaiyai kattu paduthuthu oru vali anbu...onnuru vali cable tv connection..
From: sgokulprathap on Fri May 12 3:14:44 2006. [Full View]

Statuatory Warning:

Cigarette smoking is injurious to health.
Reading Hulk's jokes will lead to mental disorders.
From: sgokulprathap on Fri May 12 3:23:35 2006. [Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu..
From: nms on Fri May 12 5:06:06 2006. [Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

Statuatory Warning:

Cigarette smoking is injurious to health.
Reading Hulk's jokes will lead to mental disorders.

From: nms on Fri May 12 5:08:10 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu.. Smile

Narayanan wants to get more pocket money but his mother is very defiant and says that she will not give him a single paisa more.

Narayanan : Yaen amma neenga yenukku unnum konjam kaasu kodukka maaturaenge...after all extra 20 dolalrs thaanae.

Amma : Mad

...avan avan therulae 20 paisakaaga pichai yedukiraan...naan unukku summa extra 20 dollars kodukkunuma?

Narayanan : Avangalavethu therulae pichai yeduthaalum 20 paisa kuda kideikethu...naan veetulae pichai yeduthaal seruppu adi thaan viluvethu...ithu niyayama?

Amma : Vara vara un vaayi rombo neeluthu...rombo keithu poithae narayana.. Mad

Narayanan : Vaayi neeluvethukku naan enna rubber vaaya valuthu veichirukkaen?..appadina athulae oonjal katti neengalae padunga... Mad

Amma : Vendam Narayana..naan rotan yeduttu adippaen.. Evil or Very Mad

Narayannan gets very scared and immediately

Narayanan : Kalaiyil dhinamum kan vizhithaal naan kai thodum thevathai amma.

Amma : Niruthu....yentha kaalathilae neen yennai kai thottirukkae?..nee kalaiyilae kan vizhithaalae illeana padam paarthu jollu viduruthai thaan paarthirukkaen.

Narayanan : Pinna paravai munniyamma paarthu jolluva vida mudiyum?....seri mudiva kaasai kodukuraengela elleiya?

Amma : Mudiyaathu.. Twisted Evil

Narayanan : Appo naa enimel neenga suntv leh anandhamum kolangalum paarka mudiyaathu... Twisted Evil

Amma :

...raasa..chellamae...navamaniyae...yaen pa eppadi ellam seiyurae...after all 20 dollars thaanae...poi yeduthukka raasa...unukku ellathatha.

Narayanan : Very Happy

....nandri amma.

Moral of the story : Thaiyai kattu paduthuthu oru vali anbu...onnuru vali cable tv connection.. Very Happy

Hulk.....Neenga yaen Bagya Kungumam Rani Poanra idhalzghalukku vungal Jokkugalai ezhthi anuppa koodaadhu..??
Prasuram aanaal palarum padithu maghizhvaargalae...!!

From: sgokulprathap on Fri May 12 5:44:03 2006.

[Full View]

nms wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu.. Smile

Narayanan : Vaayi neeluvethukku naan enna rubber vaaya valuthu veichirukkaen?..appadina athulae oonjal katti neengalae padunga... Mad

Amma : Vendam Narayana..naan rotan yeduttu adippaen.. Evil or Very Mad

Narayanan : Appo naa enimel neenga suntv leh anandhamum kolangalum paarka mudiyaathu... Twisted Evil

Amma :

...raasa..chellamae...navamaniyae...yaen pa eppadi ellam seiyurae...after all 20 dollars thaanae...poi yeduthukka raasa...unukku ellathatha.

Narayanan : Very Happy

....nandri amma.

Moral of the story : Thaiyai kattu paduthuthu oru vali anbu...onnuru vali cable tv connection.. Very Happy

Hulk.....Neenga yaen Bagya Kungumam Rani Poanra idhalzghalukku vungal Jokkugalai ezhthi anuppa koodaadhu..??
Prasuram aanaal palarum padithu maghizhvaargalae...!!

Naama kashtapattadhu pathadhunnu, Tamilnade kashtapadanuma.
Enna oru nalla ennam.

From: terminator on Fri May 12 6:14:53 2006. [Full View]

Intha threadla jokes mattum post pannanum ninaikkirean.. ennaiyum comment adikka vaikkiraar "enimel" Hulk..

From: Hulkster on Fri May 12 8:19:19 2006.

[Full View]

nms wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu.. Smile

Narayanan : Vaayi neeluvethukku naan enna rubber vaaya valuthu veichirukkaen?..appadina athulae oonjal katti neengalae padunga... Mad

Amma : Vendam Narayana..naan rotan yeduttu adippaen.. Evil or Very Mad

Narayanan : Appo naa enimel neenga suntv leh anandhamum kolangalum paarka mudiyaathu... Twisted Evil

Amma :

...raasa..chellamae...navamaniyae...yaen pa eppadi ellam seiyurae...after all 20 dollars thaanae...poi yeduthukka raasa...unukku ellathatha.

Narayanan : Very Happy

....nandri amma.

Moral of the story : Thaiyai kattu paduthuthu oru vali anbu...onnuru vali cable tv connection.. Very Happy

Hulk.....Neenga yaen Bagya Kungumam Rani Poanra idhalzghalukku vungal Jokkugalai ezhthi anuppa koodaadhu..??
Prasuram aanaal palarum padithu maghizhvaargalae...!!

Yaen veen vambu....tamil nadu makkal ithai ellam padithaal yennai aruvaal veichi vettiduvaanga...paravalae...jokes threadvoda ithu ellam irukkettum...

From: nms on Sat May 13 2:06:11 2006.

[Full View]

sgokulprathap wrote:

nms wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu.. Smile

Narayanan : Vaayi neeluvethukku naan enna rubber vaaya valuthu veichirukkaen?..appadina athulae oonjal katti neengalae padunga... Mad

Amma : Vendam Narayana..naan rotan yeduttu adippaen.. Evil or Very Mad

Narayanan : Appo naa enimel neenga suntv leh anandhamum kolangalum paarka mudiyaathu... Twisted Evil

Amma :

...raasa..chellamae...navamaniyae...yaen pa eppadi ellam seiyurae...after all 20 dollars thaanae...poi yeduthukka raasa...unukku ellathatha.

Narayanan : Very Happy

....nandri amma.

Moral of the story : Thaiyai kattu paduthuthu oru vali anbu...onnuru vali cable tv connection.. Very Happy

Hulk.....Neenga yaen Bagya Kungumam Rani Poanra idhalzghalukku vungal Jokkugalai ezhthi anuppa koodaadhu..??
Prasuram aanaal palarum padithu maghizhvaargalae...!!

Naama kashtapattadhu pathadhunnu, Tamilnade kashtapadanuma.
Enna oru nalla ennam.

Naan kurippittu chonna pathirikkaigalhai naan padipadhu kidayaadhu...adhaan..

From: sgokulprathap on Sat May 13 2:31:42 2006.

[Full View]

nms wrote:

sgokulprathap wrote:

nms wrote:

Hulkster wrote:

Seri ithu thaan yennodeiya kadeisi joke..enimel varaathu.. Smile

Narayanan : Vaayi neeluvethukku naan enna rubber vaaya valuthu veichirukkaen?..appadina athulae oonjal katti neengalae padunga... Mad

Amma : Vendam Narayana..naan rotan yeduttu adippaen.. Evil or Very Mad

Narayanan : Appo naa enimel neenga suntv leh anandhamum kolangalum paarka mudiyaathu... Twisted Evil

Amma :

...raasa..chellamae...navamaniyae...yaen pa eppadi ellam seiyurae...after all 20 dollars thaanae...poi yeduthukka raasa...unukku ellathatha.

Narayanan : Very Happy

....nandri amma.

Moral of the story : Thaiyai kattu paduthuthu oru vali anbu...onnuru vali cable tv connection.. Very Happy

Hulk.....Neenga yaen Bagya Kungumam Rani Poanra idhalzghalukku vungal Jokkugalai ezhthi anuppa koodaadhu..??
Prasuram aanaal palarum padithu maghizhvaargalae...!!

Naama kashtapattadhu pathadhunnu, Tamilnade kashtapadanuma.
Enna oru nalla ennam.

Naan kurippittu chonna pathirikkaigalhai naan padipadhu kidayaadhu...adhaan..

Oh, then Kungumam wil advertise like this.
Hulk jokesai padithu magizha naalu thalai vali maathirai ilavasam.

From: mgb on Sun May 14 8:48:34 2006. [Full View]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
From: mgb on Sun May 14 8:56:29 2006. [Full View]

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
From: mgb on Sun May 14 9:02:28 2006. [Full View]

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store.
The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now.
The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
From: NOV on Sun May 14 9:03:46 2006. [Full View]

From: c4ramesh on Sun May 14 9:04:43 2006.

[Full View]

mgb wrote:

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

good one...

From: Fire111999 on Sun May 14 9:05:05 2006. [Full View]

very funny. esp meow!
From: NOV on Sun May 14 9:05:51 2006. [Full View]

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland . She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really
gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father".
From: mgb on Sun May 14 9:19:39 2006. [Full View]

What does a bankrupt frog say?
"Baroke, baroke, baroke."

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy

What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?
A dirty double-crosser!
From: c4ramesh on Sun May 14 9:32:55 2006. [Full View]

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."
From: mgb on Sun May 14 9:41:17 2006. [Full View]

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay!" and took off like a bat out of hell!
From: mgb on Sun May 14 9:49:11 2006. [Full View]

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
From: Alan on Sun May 14 12:56:43 2006. [Full View]

TOO GOOD, mgb! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Alan on Sun May 14 13:00:28 2006. [Full View]

TOO GOOD, mgb! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U seem obsessed with frogs, mgb! lol!

From: trisha_krish on Sun May 14 15:36:54 2006.

[Full View]

Hulkster wrote:

Jihadis have cases of raping women....but even then that does not bring to satisfaction...seri vidunga....nice one braandan and c4ramesh...bush and pakistanis seem to be hated alot.. Laughing

enna ithu?

enakku puriyalaye

From: Fire111999 on Sun May 14 16:10:49 2006. [Full View]

digr: trisha_krish, don't bother trying to understand. most of his posts don't make much sense. and if u ask him to clarify, he will say that his general statement was actually not a general statement but restricted only to the specific case where he thinks it is applicable and u might not agree with that as well.
/digr
From: Shekhar on Mon May 15 0:11:50 2006. [Full View]

Welcome at Church?

Three couples--one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed--wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
From: Shekhar on Mon May 15 0:17:39 2006. [Full View]

My First Confession

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
From: Alan on Mon May 15 0:55:36 2006. [Full View]

lol@Shekhar!
From: rachel on Mon May 15 1:08:52 2006. [Full View]
From: NOV on Mon May 15 2:02:58 2006. [Full View]

A Pakistani gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian. He immediately turns to him and makes his move. "You know," says the Pakistani , "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the Pakistani guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Pakistani guy is dumbfounded.
Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
From: rachel on Mon May 15 5:22:50 2006. [Full View]
From: mgb on Mon May 15 10:08:48 2006. [Full View]

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
From: mgb on Mon May 15 10:16:41 2006. [Full View]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
From: mgb on Mon May 15 10:50:34 2006. [Full View]

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got any grapes?"
From: mgb on Mon May 15 10:55:37 2006. [Full View]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"
From: Fire111999 on Mon May 15 11:00:21 2006. [Full View]

more animal jokes:

A guide to walking tigers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.

What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.

Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.

Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.

This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.

Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.

It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.

It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.

They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.

All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.
From: mgb on Mon May 15 11:02:30 2006. [Full View]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "But I didn't!"
From: Fire111999 on Mon May 15 11:13:18 2006. [Full View]

Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
From: Fire111999 on Mon May 15 11:15:35 2006. [Full View]

Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
From: Fire111999 on Mon May 15 11:18:38 2006. [Full View]

A game of animal football
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."
From: Fire111999 on Mon May 15 11:19:42 2006. [Full View]

sorry. not all the jokes are very funny. but i really liked this one:

A cat's dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

From: Alan on Mon May 15 11:37:56 2006.

[Full View]

mgb wrote:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "But I didn't!"

slightly sick

From: Querida on Mon May 15 21:05:19 2006. [Full View]

A lawyer and an Indian man happen to be sitting next to each other on
a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to him and
asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Indian is tired and
just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works . "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the Indian
politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is an Indian he will easily
win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Indian's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless he plays, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"

The Indian doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Indian's
turn.

He asks the lawyer . . ."What goes up a hill with three legs, and
comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone
with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows,
all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he
finally gives up.

He wakes the Indian and hands him $500. The Indian politely takes
the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who cannot
imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out,
is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the Indian and asks . .
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?" The Indian reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5, and
goes back to sleep.
From: NOV on Mon May 15 22:03:04 2006. [Full View]

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
From: NOV on Mon May 15 22:04:04 2006. [Full View]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"
From: NOV on Mon May 15 22:04:36 2006. [Full View]

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
From: NOV on Mon May 15 22:05:14 2006. [Full View]

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
From: NOV on Mon May 15 22:10:44 2006. [Full View]

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.

The man peered over his paper and asked "Can we have a good time" just for the heck of it?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Can we have a good time" for a million dollars?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose we could." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Can we have a good time" for ten dollars?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
From: mgb on Wed May 17 7:53:07 2006. [Full View]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.

So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener,'

'I didn't bring it' says Les. 'I thought you packed it'.

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

'I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!'
From: rami on Wed May 17 8:02:48 2006. [Full View]

Threads opened by Kandipan...

Lots of joke today..
From: mgb on Wed May 17 10:12:04 2006. [Full View]

Bush at his best...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone
From: kandiban on Wed May 17 21:36:09 2006. [Full View]

Joke For The Day

8 kms a Day

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran 8 kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kg
At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home.
From: kandiban on Wed May 17 21:37:38 2006. [Full View]

Son: appa! naan yella exam layun pass ayiten...

father: romba! sandosham da magane... unaaku yenna venumo kelu.....

son: haiya! april Fool....
_________________
From: kandiban on Wed May 17 21:46:38 2006. [Full View]

20 Rupees

Sardarji is travelling by train.
He feels sleepy, so he gives the guy opposite 20 rupees to wake him up when his station comes.
This guy is a barber. He feels that for 20 rupees Sardarji deserves more.
So, when Sardarji falls asleep, the barber quietly shaves off his beard.
When the station arrives, he wakes up Sardarji and sends him home.
Reaching home, he goes to wash his face, and suddenly screams when he sees the mirror.
Sardarni asks, "What's the matter?"
"The cheat on the train takes my 20 rupees and wakes up someone else!"
_________________

kandiban
From: sgokulprathap on Wed May 17 23:57:20 2006. [Full View]

The Dog:

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "

What happened to her? "

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man calmly replied "Join the queue."
From: cancer on Thu May 18 1:09:51 2006. [Full View]

Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?
Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born inGOA
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the height of Intelligence?

Answer : A 99 year old Sardar going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ...
From: mgb on Mon May 22 2:16:13 2006. [Full View]

A man absolutely hates his wife's pet cat. One day, while his wife was doing laundry, he decides to get rid of the cat by driving him 20 blocks from their house and leaving him at a park.

As he was getting back to their house, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decides to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He puts the cat out and heads back to the house.

As he was pulling into the driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him back. Finally, he decides to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reaches what he thought was a safe distance from the house and put out the cat.

Hours later, the man calls his wife's cell phone and asks, "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man says, "Put that little jerk on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
From: terminator on Mon May 22 2:45:31 2006. [Full View]

good one MGB
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 9:00:03 2006. [Full View]

The oldest profession

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 9:02:35 2006. [Full View]

Wonderful Threesome

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 9:07:27 2006. [Full View]

3 Shots Of Whiskey

An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: "You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you".
The guy replies "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us".

This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.
"Is everythink OK"? he asks.
"What do you mean", answers the guy.
"Well, for months you have been asking for three shots. now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?", the bartender asks.
"No", replies the Irish guy, "Theyr'e fine. It's just that I quit drinking".
From: mgb on Mon May 22 10:32:36 2006. [Full View]

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ��thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
From: mgb on Mon May 22 10:54:03 2006. [Full View]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
From: mgb on Mon May 22 10:55:37 2006. [Full View]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:07:31 2006. [Full View]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:08:48 2006. [Full View]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:11:55 2006. [Full View]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:13:18 2006. [Full View]

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:21:19 2006. [Full View]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:25:15 2006. [Full View]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
From: mgb on Mon May 22 11:26:36 2006. [Full View]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 11:28:21 2006. [Full View]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
From: Alan on Mon May 22 11:54:16 2006. [Full View]

lol@ramesh
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:18:50 2006. [Full View]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:"Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:"OK, now what?"
From: Fire111999 on Mon May 22 12:23:24 2006. [Full View]

the potato garden one is so sweet!
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:28:38 2006. [Full View]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:30:13 2006. [Full View]

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you�d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:39:11 2006. [Full View]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don�t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too.� The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What�s that?"

The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:52:14 2006. [Full View]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. Hed walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "Im Cess."
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:54:44 2006. [Full View]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:57:25 2006. [Full View]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 12:59:38 2006. [Full View]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 13:04:27 2006. [Full View]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
From: ramky on Mon May 22 21:58:06 2006. [Full View]

POLITICS FOR BEGINNERS :

Socialism: You have 2 cows - you give 1 to your neighbour.

Communism : You have 2 cows - The government takes both & gives you the milk.

Fascism : You have 2 cows - The government takes both & sells you the milk.

Nazism : You have 2 cows - The government takes them both & shoots you.

Capitalism : You have 2 cows - you sell 1 and buy a bull !!

Trade Unionism : You have 2 cows - They take them from you, shoot one, milk the other and throw the milk away.

Moral : Don't have anything to do with cows !
From: ramky on Mon May 22 22:06:49 2006. [Full View]

...............................

I N D I A N S . . . . DAFTY DEFINITIONS OF PEOPLE FROM VARIOUS STATES IN INDIA

Bengali (West Bengal) :

One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's - Countrywide agitation to bring `dada' ( Saurav Ganguly ) into the Indian Cricket Team.

Bihari (Bihar) :

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav, ex chief minister of Bihar.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad during elections.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna ( capital of Bihar ).

Punjabi (Punjab) :

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu (Malayali from Kerala) :

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya (Uttar Pradesh) :

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP state assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju (Gujarat) :

One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite (Andhra Pradesh) :

One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey .
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri (Jammu & Kashmir) :

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin (Tamil Nadu) :

One Tamil-Brahmin = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tamil-Brahmins = maths tuition class.
Three Tamil-Brahmins = queue outside the U.S consulate in Chennai at 4 a.m.
Four Tamil-Brahmins = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite (Maharashtra) :

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the local train in Bombay at rush hour

Sindhi (Originally from Sindh in Pakistan) :

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Delhi.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari (Rajasthan) :

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a business community
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 22:54:06 2006. [Full View]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
From: c4ramesh on Mon May 22 23:10:26 2006. [Full View]

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "What?!!!"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, "they all look great, we'll buy all three of them."

Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $300 each. And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, and trying to take advantage of her husband's generous mood, she goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but if you really like it then let's get it."

The wife is practically jumping up and down with excitement. She says, "Okay, I'm ready to go, let's take all of this stuff to the register."

The husband says, "No-no-no, honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No, honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she's about to explode when the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"
From: rami on Tue May 23 1:03:50 2006. [Full View]

Thats a gud one Narayanan..
From: sgokulprathap on Tue May 23 1:06:34 2006. [Full View]

After 8 months this thread reaches 100 pages.
Someone can open new thread now for 2006 version of jokes.
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 23 10:46:30 2006. [Full View]

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill.
"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl.

"No." replied Mom.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?"

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 23 10:50:41 2006. [Full View]

There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the
shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was
not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he
was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be
attorneys too!"
The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes,
but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double
of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that
something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.
"My first wish is for 1 million dollars."
The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys
would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish.
"My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."
Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with
two of the blonde eyed babes.
The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice
carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's
attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For
my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me half to
death
From: c4ramesh on Tue May 23 10:57:24 2006. [Full View]

Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little
W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, "Is something wrong
son?"
To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
From: ramky on Tue May 23 21:51:21 2006. [Full View]

.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, What do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your
wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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