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Thread: Reviews this anyone?

  1. #1
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    Reviews this anyone?

    Hey guys,
    I wote this a while back, and haven't gotten any solid reviews. Please tell me what u think. I know that there are a few tense shifts, and also some gramatical errors. Wrote it in HS.

    Here it is.

    "Hey mister, spare any change?" The hobo asks.

    "I already told you, sorry," I reply and the hobo turns and sulks off down the street. I start to whistle and push my way through the crowded sidewalk. My watch showed 8:47am. As I crossed the street, taxis and busses roar by. I unzipped my jacket and looked up at a building hiding in the corner. Here is the place.

    8:52am.

    The sliding doors sidestep as I walked inside. A large counter with a man sitting behind it catches my eye. There are two people in line. I stand behind the last person and wait patiently. A miniature camera in the corner peers at me. I immediately look at the counter and spot a black and white TV. It shows a row of people waiting for their turn in front of a counter. The third person in line shows a dark haired man with a bushy mustache. His eyes dart from here to there. He looks familiar. A big clock with red hands on the wall read 9:00am. I cut in line to the teller behind the counter. "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" I ask. He points to the back and says,

    "Third door to the right." When I get to the bathroom I knock twice, on one is in there, but I already knew that. I open the door and lock it behind me. I take the top off the tank behind the toilet bowl, there is a clear plastic baggie. I reach in and unzip it, sliding the black machine pistol out, discarding the bag in the toilet bowl and flushing it down. My open jacket which reveals an orange tiger mask with only one slit for the eyes. I pull it over my head and unlock the door. They've already seen my face but tradition is tradition. As I walk back in, a man in the front steps through the front doors, has on the same mask as mine, the metal detector he moves under beeps loudly and disturbs the reclining guard in a chair by the door. The clip of my pistol snaps into place. I inhale for a second, then run into the room.

    "Ok everybody, calm down, this is a bank robbery. We ain't gonna hurt you, only the ones that don't cooperate. Understand?" I yell. The man with the other mask pulls out a 12-gauge shotgun. The guard just starts to react, my partner aims the shotgun to his forehead and pushes him back to his seat saying,

    "Sit down, you're not going anywhere." The guard tries to pull out his pistol as a loud Bang follows, sending the guard flying across the desk.

    "For all you dumb fucks, that means act normal and do as we say or I'll blow your fucking head off!" He says.

    "If you have medical issues then you may lean against the wall, otherwise lay down on your chests." I yell as the people in line drop to their chests. "Get the fuck down!" My partner says as I walk up to the teller pointing the gun at him.

    "Can you open that safe there please?" I ask. He does not move. "I

    said open it! I don't have all fucking day!" I yell and he runs to

    the safe and unlocks it. My partner runs to the safe unsoldering two

    big empty bags and fills them up with money. "Hurry up, we only got a

    minute before the LAPD gets here!" I say looking at my stopwatch. He

    throws me a bag and we run out of the bank. Twenty feet away I spot a

    Silver Toyota, Avalon. We run inside as I see the hobo, this time

    with a shopping cart. I toss a stack of twenties in the cart and slam

    the door. He calmly picks it up and runs away. I smile and we ride

    off into the distance.
    Back after a while...

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
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    Hey Surya impressive...i like the alternative view..but well your partner in crime seems more realistic than you do...maybe it's the stereotype that's goading me on...like that part about you actually caring whether ppl have medical problems...but besides that sometimes suaveness and politness is just as scary as spitting profanities...as for originality well this is pure pop-cult material cause it appeals to everyone, everyone knows this scene what helps is a little more detail...besides that smooth read for sure

  4. #3
    Senior Member Seasoned Hubber
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    Surya,
    Very nice story, easy to follow & understand.....is this your "dark" side..ha ha!

  5. #4
    Administrator Diamond Hubber RR's Avatar
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    Surya,
    good. Are you going to continue..? Or, did I miss the ending

  6. #5
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    WOW!!!

    Thanks for the reviews guys!!!! Its really helpful!

    RR,
    It was a short Story. So I just ended it there. But I've got other stories that I"m working on right now about PI's etc, that I'll post later when I have time.

    Thanks for the reviews again guys!!

    Regards. 8)
    Back after a while...

  7. #6
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    This one I first posted in the Tales of the Unexpected thread. Also a short story. I think that this would be a more suitable place for it. I've named it.....

    RAINY DAYS!

    It had been a very bad night. The rain was blasting away and the wipers and lights were hardly worth the trouble. It had been a sudden rain, and I failed to check the weather report. That had been stupid of me. It should have been a priority. I was considering this bit of stupidity when I noticed the man. He was little more than a blur in the night. He stood beside the road with this thumb extended, a sloppy leather hat washed down over his face. For some reason I had a gut urge against it, but I had picked up hitchhikers in the past, and was not overly sensitive to the fears generally associated with them. Not me.
    I pulled over just past him and braked. He would have a distance to run because I had hesitated a bit before stopping. I didn’t back up to make it easier for him. I sat and half reconsidered. There was something about this guy that bothered me. Perhaps it was just the surprise of seeing him out in this kind of rain, but then again it had been sudden. It had taken me by surprise, why not him. Nothing mysterious in that.
    I put my arm over the backseat and looked through the rear glass. In the fuzzy, pink glow of the brake lights I could see that he was a huge man, made to look all the larger by the blurring effect of rain and light. Rain and light or not, he was larger than I was. If he meant harm…
    I had considered too long. The deed was done. In one smooth motion the door was open and he was sliding wetly against the seat on the passenger’s side. Cold wind and rain blew in with him.
    The overhead light, the brief instant that it glowed while the door was open, showed him to have a leathery, Native American face. Hawk nose, high cheekbones, a full but hard mouth. His age could have been thirty or fifty. He had that kind of face. The coat he wore was thick and ankle length, the wet blanket odor of it carried in with him. His leather hat drooped and dripped water.
    Something about him made my skin crawl.
    He shut the door. A car went by, tires whining, cast its lights across my Plymouth, winked on and away. The man said, “Thank You.”
    Simple enough, but I almost went through the roof of the Plymouth. The words were kind, but that voice…
    I managed to reply kindly enough-some nonsense about where are you going, the usual chatter, and his answers were civil…but that voice.
    Another car went by with its tires singing and threw water against my door with a sound like scuttling claws. I checked the rearview and pulled back into the highway.
    The man sat silent, hands in his pockets…perhaps he was plotting…waiting for the right moment.
    Hell, I told myself, and gave that part of my brain that frightens so easily a few mental lashes. Look straight ahead and drive carefully, I thought. Don’t be silly.
    But my gaze wandered often to the stranger, and on one of my peripheral glances I saw that he was staring at me.
    Just sitting there like a big wooden doll with its head cranked my way. His hands were still buried deep in his pockets. I wondered that those pockets contained. A razor? A knife? A gun?
    With as much calm as I could muster, I took my right hand from the wheel and rolled my fingers together in a manner that suggested that I was trying to shake cold or numbness from them. That didn’t keep my hand from trembling as I casually dipped it into my GI jacket, traced my fingers over the fine, bone handle of the razor I kept there.
    Now! I told myself.

    With one swift motion I brought the razor out, flicked it open as I leaned away from the wheel towards him. It’s expertly honed edge caught his throat and passed through, deep. The man fell against the door.
    I closed up the razor and put it away, pulled the car over to the side of the road, got out and rushed around to the passenger’s side. I jerked the door open and dragged him out on the roadside. His throat was a scarf of blood now.
    I used his hat to clean a few drops of blood off the seat, then checked his pockets. No weapons. Christ! I was getting jumpy as of late. This damn weather.
    I got his wallet out and picked the two dollars out of it and slung the wallet as far away into the blackness as I could. I got my camera out of the backseat floorboard and took a few flash shots of him for my collection and put it away. They probably wouldn’t be among the best pictures. I put the camera away and went around to climb in behind the wheel.
    Laughing at myself, I started up the Plymouth. He hadn’t been a bit different than the others. A piece of cake. “To hell with your imagination,” I said aloud and drove away from there trying to shake the chill of the rain.


    Regards.

    PS: Can anyone else post their stories up? I'm eager to read them.
    Back after a while...

  8. #7
    Senior Member Regular Hubber aravindhan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Surya
    This one I first posted in the Tales of the Unexpected thread. Also a short story. I think that this would be a more suitable place for it. I've named it.....


    It's going to be a long while before I'm able to accept a lift again. Or take a taxi if the driver's called "Surya."

    :shiver:

  9. #8
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    Aravindhan,
    How do u know that's my real name?
    Just kidding. Thanks, I was hoping to get that "creepy" feeling across.
    Back after a while...

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