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Thread: He Turns...

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    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
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    He Turns...

    Hello Hubbers, as many of you know i do try my hand at poetry. But try as I might whenever I go to write a narrative the lines are too short...i find myself cutting out all the connecting bits and well end up with stanzas instead.

    So with all that said, I'd like to try an experiment, since I cannot seem to write of anything lengthy or continuous...I will try to write glimpses. small situations only. Please join in if you'd like.
    Please forgive me in advance for editing errors.

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    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
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    Then he turns....

    She had an inkling when she spied that collar through the window. When was it ever straight, if not for her?

    She thought why not? Nothing but a pleasant surprise.

    Head down, eyes askant she shuffled down the aisle, he made a slight motion of his head. Her heart leapt into her mouth!

    All the way at the back she sat. No.
    At the next stop, five seats away. No.
    Next red light, a good view at three seats away.

    His fingers combed his hair, smoothing down those same, sticker-uppers. Hesitating upon a spot, which was slighter year by year. She noticed, of course. He knew. But she could not bring herself to care. What of age, it was unfair to us all.

    After all, how newly to critique what eyes had burnished fondly for so long?

    His cellphone rang, never was he a ringtone person.
    "I can't stand those bleeps and blips!" He would say.
    Though for her, she had a ring just for him
    She would still blush, how juvenile of her...even when knowing the international melee surrounding her, would hardly know the significance of "Ivanthanaa".

    She set her cell to silent...in case he called. It would be too soon, a little more wait.
    How funny it would be to get off right after him. I should grab his arm, no kiss his cheek...no haha, how young do I think I am?...I'll cover his eyes, yes that was doable.

    "Does this bus get off at Carson Street?" she knew that husky voice. She leaned forward slightly, peering at the figure heaving her form on to the aisle.

    Aah yes, at Nitin's school, her son was Nitin's newest friend. Oh well, if she said hi, then it would not be nice to appear oblivious.

    She never could do that. Impassiveness was beyond her. Her face would blush a bronze and her lips would straighten into lines.

    Poor woman, I should go help her, though we had all managed hadn't we? We all somehow acted like it was the most normal thing, inwardly knowing we were as clueless and scared as the next.

    Daina! That was her name, she has sat quite near him, perhaps she will notice him...and then me..what will she think? A spat perhaps?

  4. #3
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
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    No, Daina does not notice a thing, so lost in her world. One hand pressed to her back, Daina rubs her swollen stomach in slow circles.

    Aah, all those constant worrisome-stirring thoughts all for the sake of a face I hadn't seen yet...but I loved already... I wonder what Daina is thinking? What i wouldn't do for a plate of dahi vada? Haha, that certainly was my fave crave!

    Almost there, she breathes out. The bus jerks to a stop. A tall, reedy young woman steps on. The woman catches her breath. Irritatedly pushing her loud red and blond curls behind her ear. Furtively she looks around for a seat, though plenty are empty. She pauses, walks straight up the aisle and turns mechanically to the left, and sits beside him.

    He rubs his face. He always was one to be uncomfortable with strangers. She had always had to be the gracious host. How many times did her friends ask "Isn't it time for him to quit being so formal?"
    Cold, distant, almost rude was more like it, but they wouldn't say that. Like he didn't approve. That was true too.
    "Well hon, I just told him how scandalous you all are!" trying her best to laugh convincingly. They'd join in, relishing it like one of their many old, inside jokes. The matter was then put aside until of course, another visit.

    He reaches over and takes her bus transfer, his lips murmuring, fingering the printed time at which it expires.

    Perhaps, she has asked the time, or asked to borrow a ticket from him?

    The woman reaches out and straightens his collar.
    He pulls away suddenly. Acting out a look of mock shock.
    And then he leans toward her. So close. Closely enough to....

    She can see a grey, old postbox, dented on all sides with splotchy green script sprayed across its front... how odd that she can recognize such a mundane fixture of her neighbourhood.

    She pushes the stop button, the sign "Passenger Requests a Stop" lights up weakly.


    Five stops before our stop.


    "Geetha!" Daina calls, motioning for her friend to hold the door open for her as well.

    He turns.

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    Senior Member Platinum Hubber Shakthiprabha.'s Avatar
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    Q,



    I feel sharp pain of stab, as I read the story.
    Sharp, crisp narrations although I would like to add, it was more like reading a 'prose poetry'

    Congrats! Your first attempt is a huge victory I supp It does create impression in readers mind and as an author uve won!

    I am always a fan of 'blunt climax' which comes in so unexpected and definitely it did come in very hard

    The finish was perfect

    "He turns!"

    thats it!!!! A blow for him and her and the readers! Anything if added would have spoilt the story.

    Impact is slapping! (dunno whether to smile or put a sad icon )

  6. #5
    Senior Member Platinum Hubber Shakthiprabha.'s Avatar
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    Youve kindled my desire to write 'short-stories' (I had written couple of short stories in tamizh )

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    Senior Member Platinum Hubber pavalamani pragasam's Avatar
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    Congrats, Q! You demand my undivided attention to read your story, comprehend it, appreciate it and admire the delicately woven undercurrent of thoughts differentiated in normal & italicised fonts.
    Hmmm...I am not still not sure if I have got it correctly. The heroine, Daine, is pregnant, her son's classmate is Nitin whose father is the hero in the story described as a reserved, kind, a bit absent-minded gentleman. What are daine's feelings for Nitin's father? How are they related? I am clean bowled! May be I am a bit dense or too preoccupied than usual!
    Eager to watch the trends of the world & to nurture in the youth who carry the future world on their shoulders a right sense of values.

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    Senior Member Platinum Hubber Shakthiprabha.'s Avatar
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    pp maam

    Now, I wonder if I got it right

    Heroine is NOT daine, but gita !
    Nitin is her son ! (gita's)
    and the gentleman is nitin's dad i.e. her husband!

    Daine has no feelings! Shez just there as on onlooker.i.e. co-passenger.. Its gita who is narrating it


    oh my god....


    I really am thinking if I imagined my own story now

  9. #8
    Senior Member Platinum Hubber Shakthiprabha.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pavalamani pragasam
    Nitin whose father is the hero in the story described as a reserved, kind, a bit absent-minded gentleman.


    yeah she decides to surprise her KIND man, but instead hez too kind to give her a NOT-SO-PLEASANT surprise!

    Thats how I got it. Picture that 'redhead' as someone distinct than daine and gita. Now, Place her right next to him(dad of nitin). Thats the way I understood the story

  10. #9
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shakthiprabha
    pp maam

    Now, I wonder if I got it right

    Heroine is NOT daine, but gita !
    Nitin is her son ! (gita's)
    and the gentleman is nitin's dad i.e. her husband!

    Daine has no feelings! Shez just there as on onlooker.i.e. co-passenger.. Its gita who is narrating it


    oh my god....


    I really am thinking if I imagined my own story now
    I'm so sorry you two! Shakthi you have got it right!!! and PP Maam I understand where your confusion stems from...I have gone back and edited some of the text...hopefully it is clearer...

    Shakthi....I wanted to write you a nice long thankyou and reply...that is why i was waiting for tomorrow really you have warmed my heart with your comments....please yes do share your short stories!!!

  11. #10
    Senior Member Platinum Hubber Shakthiprabha.'s Avatar
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    Q,

    ur job is quite appreciable esp like how pp maam pointed out, those italics to distinguish her thoughts. I suppose daine adds to the confusion. If not for her, the story would have gone in crystal clear.

    but then daine is needed for the whole climax to come to a shocking stand still.

    Its when daine calls out for gita's name, 'HE TURNS'.

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