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Thread: A joke per day...keeps the doctor away!

  1. #1751
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    EXTRACTED from a COURT REPORT FROM INDIA

    Judge : "Raj, why were you beaten up in public? What did you do?"

    Raj : "Sir, I am innocent."

    Judge : "Why do you say that?"

    Raj : "Your Honour, I was in crowded bus and my photo fell from wallet. So I only say to lady in front of me, "Aunty, please lift your sari, I want to take photo ..."
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

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  3. #1752
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    Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
    Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"

    "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.

    "Medicine for rheumatism?"

    "Definitely," he says.

    "How about Viagra?"

    "Of course."

    "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

    "Yes, the works."

    "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

    "Absolutely."

    "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

    "All speeds and sizes."

    "Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  4. #1753
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    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  5. #1754
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    One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class...

    Professor : What kind of Wife would you like Johnny?

    Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...🌙

    Professor : Wow !! what a choice....So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon? 🌙

    Johnny : No, no...

    Professor : oh so you want her to be Round and white?

    Johny: No, no...

    Professor : Oh, so you want her to be Fair and Beautiful like d moon? 🌝

    Johny: No, no... I want her to be Exactly like MOON ....... Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning
    😉🌜..
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  6. #1755
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    Five year old boy, after watching a story of an Emperor on TV: "Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me,one can bathe me,...."

    Mum smiled and said:"Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep!"

    After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!"

    "Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?"

    "Let them sleep with daddy!"

    Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness:"My sweet son!"
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

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  8. #1756
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    A man went on a business trip to the Middle East and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.

    Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happened if this does not work?'

    The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, 'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

    Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on.

    He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

    The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in Middle East. We read from the right to the left.'
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  9. #1757
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    'THEY WALK AMONG US'
    IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
    My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a 5 note. Our total bill was 4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
    She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
    I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me 1 back.'
    She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
    The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
    Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans, Hertfordshire!!

    IDIOT SIGHTING No2
    We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
    I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
    We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford .

    IDIOT SIGHTING No3
    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
    The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
    Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

    IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
    My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
    From South Oxhey, Hertfordshire.

    IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
    Happened at Luton Airport

    IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
    The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
    She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
    She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

    IDIOT SIGHTING No7
    When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!'
    His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
    This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

    STAY ALERT!
    They walk among us.
    AND THEY BREED!
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  10. #1758
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    If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law & your wife at the same time, whom will you save?

    Husband: Of course the tiger, very few are left now.
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  11. #1759
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    The older doctor suggested tht the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

    At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older dr says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating & see if that does the trick?”

    As they left, the younger man said, “U didn’t even examine tht woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

    “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. Tht was what probably was making her sick.”

    The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

    She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
    “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her : “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

    As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know tht woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
    “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope &, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed”
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

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  13. #1760
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    DATING MALAYSIAN STYLE!

    Malay girl:

    1st date: You get to hold hands
    2nd date: You get a goodbye kiss.
    3rd date: You both get caught by JAIS.


    Chinese girl

    1st date: You take her to a restaurant.
    2nd date: You take her to an expensive restaurant.
    3rd date: You take her to a very expensive restaurant and buy her a diamond necklace. She says her previous boyfriend did better.


    Indian girl

    1st date: You meet her parents.
    2nd date: She meets your parents.
    3rd date: Wedding night.
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

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