Indian Jokes

[Oldposts]

Banta is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.
He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."
The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."
Banta, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, Banta approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."
The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."
Banta says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"
The first lady says, "We're lesbians."
Banta replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick p**ussy's."
Banta says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

[Oldposts]

Bad day!
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, Santa was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Jeeto.
Santa asked, "What happened? Why are you crying?" Tearfully she explained, "It`s the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately Santa drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I`ll be damned if I didn`t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Santa ji, I TOLD HER!"

[Oldposts]

Preeto: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.
Banta: You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?

Preeto: In the pool.

[Oldposts]

Santa lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the Inspector`s and said, "You`ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the Inspector.
"I don`t care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the local workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Santa called the Inspector and said, "You`ve got to do something about these drivers. The `school crossing` sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, he sends out the workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
And that really sped them up. So Santa called and called and called everyday for three weeks.
Finally, he asked, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
Inspector told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Santa do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, after that he got no more calls from Santa.
Three weeks after Santa`s last call, the Inspector decided to call him.
"How`s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I`ve got to go. I`m very busy." And he hung up the phone. The Inspector thought to himself, "I`d better go to that farmer`s house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So hedrove out to Santa`s house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

[Oldposts]

Santa and Banta meet in the street. Santa looked dejected and almost on the verge of tears.
Banta said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
Santa said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty lacs."
"That`s not bad."
"Hold on, I`m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew died and left me twenty lacs."
"I`d like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"

[Oldposts]

Jassi singh tells his gf, "come home tomorrow, no one will b at home."

When she goes the next day to his home.......
There was NO ONE at home.




What frustrates the sardarji when his wife delivers twins???

He wonders who is the father of the second child.

[Oldposts]

A SARDARJI is in the library , he bangs down a book and says :" too
boring, too many characters and no story.

LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away??

[Oldposts]

Santa's overnight stay


Santa Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college admission). Suddenly ,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found the same on the floor of the bus. Politely,he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him,"Can you lift that saree? I wanna take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital.

He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still
worse condition. Banta started to explain his "Adventure". He had gone
to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of
intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last
bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a
nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the
night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow
you to stay". He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do you have "grown up" daughters?".
The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night..... "



Santa Banta find a bomb

Santa and Banta find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the
police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Banta. "Don't worry about it," says Santa. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

[Oldposts]

After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

SantaSingh was occupying the lower berth, his wife
the middle berth and his son the top most berth in
the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed .

When Santa and his son returned they found that a
South Indian who couldn't understand hindi had
occupied his son's berth .

Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand
Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh
explained the whole situation to him in English .
Santa Singh explained , " That man sleeping on top
of my wife is not giving birth to my child."

[Oldposts]

Santa Singh was about to jump into a swimming pool.

Life Gaurd : Sir please don't jump into the pool right
now. There is no water in there.

Santa Singh: Thats OK! I too don't know to swim in
anycase.