Divorce- End of woes or beginning?

[scorpio]

Hi all,

I wanted to discuss about the increasing percentage of divorce cases especially among young couples. I have a team member in my team who is a recent victim of divorce after a turbulent marriage. A young software engineer she is, fell in love and got married a couple of years back. Her life was a roller coaster ride since day 1, with both of them quite egoistic and financially independent. She claims her husband hardly cared about maintaining the house and related domestic chores and she had a dual responsibility of managing both her career and home single handedly. Daily fights matured into severe arguments and after she gave birth to a baby girl few months back, her domestic burden is unmountable. She has served a lawyer notice to him for separation. I really feel sorry for her and I think she has taken a very harsh decision not thinking about how the society will treat her, that too being a single mother. On the other hand, as a project manager, I feel this turbulence eats too much into her productivity in work. Being a love marriage that has ended in agony, her parents too support their daughter getting separated from the husband.

Now, as a well wisher and senior, should I talk to her and convince her to give him one more chance?? Or, wait for her to get her separation so that she can concentrate on my project?? Why are youngsters so impulsive these days?? Any suggestions???

[NM]

Scorpio,
Is she close to you? If yes, I don't see why you shouldn't talk to her. I did to a close friend of mine, long time ago and luckily they patched up!! Perhaps she's undergoing post natal depression? And, her mom's not helping either!! Or maybe, you could talk to her mom
But, i do agree, youngsters today are very impulsive, its as thought divorce is a priviledge to be used as and when required!

[nirosha sen]

Well, if acrimony is the order of the day, then a trial separation might be in order, Pa!! NM is right, sometimes it's just post-natal depression but the atmosphere hadn't been conducive earlier either, right????

I feel sorry for those who choose their own partners, Pa!! We are always thrown into the deep-end with no other life-line except ourselves to turn to!!

Problem is most couples don't know the burden of marriage until they tie the knot!! Before that, it was all lovey-dovey!! Seeing eachother only as an aside from the mainstream of one's existence!! The pressure only builds up when we start living with eachother and learn to adjust to one another's quirks!

[viggop]

It is the beginning of woes for the baby.

A baby needs both the father and mother and this has been established by scientific studies.
Single mother/Single fathers are not good for the overall development of the child.

Hope both of them throw away their big egos.Then,everything else will fall into place

[aravindhan]

I feel sorry for those who choose their own partners, Pa!! We are always thrown into the deep-end with no other life-line except ourselves to turn to!!

Not necessarily - the way it worked out for us, my mother-in-law always takes my side and my mother always takes my wife's side, so we have each other's mothers as a life-line to turn to in case of trouble!

Problem is most couples don't know the burden of marriage until they tie the knot!! Before that, it was all lovey-dovey!! Seeing eachother only as an aside from the mainstream of one's existence!! The pressure only builds up when we start living with eachother and learn to adjust to one another's quirks!

I suppose it depends on the priorities of the people concerned.
அன்பிலார் எல்லாம் தமக்குரியர் அன்புடையார்
என்பும் உரியர் பிறர்க்கு.

[scorpio]

It is the beginning of woes for the baby.

A baby needs both the father and mother and this has been established by scientific studies.
Single mother/Single fathers are not good for the overall development of the child.

Hope both of them throw away their big egos.Then,everything else will fall into place

viggop,

I fully agree with your post..That's why, I'm in a dilemma whether I should talk to her on this issue. On the other hand, I strictly have a boss-subordinate relationship with my team members and feel a bit delicate to discuss personal issues like this. I only give a shoulder to weep when they feel like but do not force my personal opinions on them.. I know for sure, it is not an easy task to raise a girl child being a single mother, that too, in a conservative city like Chennai.

NM - No way, I can talk to the girl's mother and all.. I think it would be best for both of them to visit a marriage counsellor.. but not sure if such people are easily available and approachable in Chennai..moreso, there is no use in only this girl going for counselling..it's the husband who needs to understand that married life is something that has to be jointly pulled by both of them...

Aravindhan - You are lucky. Love marriage has worked very well in my case also..but the truth is, not many couples fall in this category.

Niro - The case I quoted is only an example.. Have come across many such separations in my career so far...Pudhumai pengal???

[Anoushka]

Scorpio:

Very interesting topic! Your team member's reasons for divorce seems to be trivial! It seems to be more of a ego clash problem between the husband and wife. Which could be sorted out on counselling.

What your team member should think about is if she cannot live with this guy, can she survive alone, can she live with another guy, etc. How long will her parent's support her? She now has a child, if she thinks about re-marriage, will her new hubby treat the daughter the same way the child's father would treat her?

Most people these days think divorce is a solution to their problem, but do not realise that it is only a way of escape and that the problem does not stop there!

There are genuine cases where divorce is a solution, but the above case does not seem so!

There is definetly a change in the way people think these days. It is more like "Life is short, you do not seem to think my way and I do not want to waste my entire life with you" attitude. People don't realise that two people with entirely different opinions and ideas can live together quite happily without any problem!

I would suggest that you talk to your team member and send her to a proper counsellor before things go way out of hand! Even if she gets her seperation I doubt if she will be able to concentrate on her project...

[krishnan]

Are you concerned about your project or her? If it's your project you will have hundreds of people in Q even if she is not able to productively contribute to it. If it's her then why did you bring your project management issue and club it with her personal problems? As wise men say Personal problems should get more priority and attention than work.

If it were one of my team members I would give him / her couple of weeks vacation, and would suggest the couple to go to some resort or book cabin log at smokies and talk (sort) it out and it does help. In one of the cases where the problem was more serious and involved some kind of domestic violence (needless to say she is an Indian) where she dosen't want to complain but just wanted to get divorced, we terminated her contract (she happened to be a sub-contractor), assured her that we'll re-instate her contract and gave her 3 months break. And believe me it worked, and they are happy together now. The only thing that went wrong in that plan was we were able to bring her back only after 6 mons and not in 3 months as promised . So I would suggest you to give her the break she deserves and point her to a counsellor or give her some vacation ideas and let them sort it themselves without giving heavy handed advices. Afterall both are professionals and hope they are matured enough to handle their personal problems.

[hehehewalrus]

Are you concerned about your project or her? If it's your project you will have hundreds of people in Q even if she is not able to productively contribute to it. If it's her then why did you bring your project management issue and club it with her personal problems? As wise men say Personal problems should get more priority and attention than work.

Why the hell should a team suffer just because 2 immature individuals cant patch up some (ir)reconciliable differences????? It is childish to state such suggestions. Welcome to the real world. As a responsible adult(and parent) one should know how to give atleast 75%(100% is impossible in this case) in the workplace even if the home is hell.

If it were one of my team members I would give him / her couple of weeks vacation, and would suggest the couple to go to some resort or book cabin log at smokies and talk (sort) it out and it does help.

Shankar borrowed "Kadhalan" script from you :P

[krishnan]

Are you concerned about your project or her? If it's your project you will have hundreds of people in Q even if she is not able to productively contribute to it. If it's her then why did you bring your project management issue and club it with her personal problems? As wise men say Personal problems should get more priority and attention than work.

Why the hell should a team suffer just because 2 immature individuals cant patch up some (ir)reconciliable differences????? It is childish to state such suggestions. Welcome to the real world. As a responsible adult(and parent) one should know how to give atleast 75%(100% is impossible in this case) in the workplace even if the home is hell.

If it were one of my team members I would give him / her couple of weeks vacation, and would suggest the couple to go to some resort or book cabin log at smokies and talk (sort) it out and it does help.

Shankar borrowed "Kadhalan" script from you :P

Walrus,

Are you serious? Giving 75% when you are emotionally disturbed? I am not sure about you (as you have he he he in your name I assume that you take everything lighter in your life ) but to any normal human beings even 10% concentration during trying times is too much to expect. My father met with a bad accident 4 years ago, I was in US expecting advance parole and I was too disturbed that I just could'nt even drive in proper lane let alone concentrating on work.