An issue

[pavalamani pragasam]

An Issue

This week’s issue of popular Tamil weekly, Ananda Vikadan carried an article on surrogate mothers. In olden days couple without issue had to swallow the grief and live a hollow life. Later many issueless couples were bold enough to adopt mostly relatives’ children and rarely orphans.
The recent option gaining favour is to lease a healthy woman and implant the embryo of the couple with problem, fertilisd outside the wife’s uterus, inside the sponsoring woman’s uterus and make her go through the term to deliver a baby which she shall hand over to the couple even without seeing the face of the baby. All this is arranged with full legal support. The volunteers for this surrogate maternity are invariably very poor women who find this a way for earning some money( not very much though, upto Rs.50,000!) for the pain of gestation & labour. In spite of this issue of bearing issue for others is undertaken out of acute poverty the surrogate mothers doing this service with a basic charity of heart are unavoidably a bit sentimental about parting with the baby that has been kicking inside them for so long.

What do you think about this issue?

[Sudhaama]

This peculiar Custom started from Switzerland where the Fertility-rate as well as the Child-Survival-Rate due to mother's innate problems...is very low... but it was not relished by many nationals... so became rare and got discouraged.

... Then it spread over to USSR (Soviet Union)... where too the Fertility-Rate is too low... That is why ... even to-day... in Russia... the whole expenses of Maternity, Child-birth and Bringing up ... by the Govt... till Major... persists there.

Now this Practice has spread over to this country America too. !!!

Whereas in India... Is it PERTINENT ?..... Applicable?

But the above-named Foreign countries resort to such a recourse only under unavoidable extreme conditions... especially after exploring the possibility of fetching an Adopted Child from the Orphanages.

Some such seekers search over the International arena too.

I know several Indian-born children adopted by the Nationals of Gulf-countries, Scotland, Germany and so on.

However.... it has to be accepted that there are still some affluent Ladies... who are sentimentally particular of owning her Husbands child only.... as an alternative to her inability to bear ... on medical grounds.

There is one more sort of Parents... highly Rich parents... who had observed some Subsequent property-disputes in cases of adoption from an Orphanage.......( The true-parents who deserted their child leading to the Orphanage ... subsequenbtly claim their Property- rights)....

So prefer such Surrogation.... as the doubly safe and attractive solution.

In any case this is a very Delicate Topic to be answered for the Indians especially Tamilians... for whom the ....

Motherhood is very Holy... as per Indian- CULTURE..

Chastity is the Supreme Character for a Lady.... as per Tamilian MORALITY..

When the Population in the Orphanages are escalating at a great speed now-a-days... it is better... the childless parents avail their best choice amongst the variety of options.... from Orphanages or from any Poor-parent willing to offer.

By the dint of offsprings born to the Invaders.... on Indian Soil....We already have several sorts of yet unsolved problems... Although they too are Born-Indians.!! .

Further...another Generation too ...joined with us as Refugees from Pakistan, Bangala-Desh, Burma, Sri-Lanka ... and so on... Pitiably

.Even though we love and treat such New Indians too at par with us....

Such an one more sort of Generation will only lead to Confusion in the Society and an added burden to the Government.

Should India add up one more sort of DUBIOUS Generation... ???

... who cannot proudly identify him / her self ???????

[Shekhar]

It is such a paradox, that on the one hand we have so many orphan children overflowing on to the streets. On the other we have couple resorting to surrogate their issue.
It simply shows we are not human enough. If you have a child to love and care for, it is yours irrespective of whether it has come from your sperm or not. A child is yours not by genes but by your love and care. To think that only a child of your blood is your child, is the result of appaling narrow mindedness.
I have a daughter (not my natural), who wouldnot have been more mine if she were born to me. Only those who have, know the feeling, that it is no different from having a child born to your sperms. Shakti can bear to what I am saying...

[Roshan]

Shekhar,

I remember you mentioning about your daughter some time back in the old hub. It's really great. If I remember correct I think you have a son of your own. To have your own child(ren) and adopt one and treat them all equally - is even more great. I have no words to express my appreciation to you and your wife.

[scorpio]

Bravo PP Ma'm,

What a sensitive issue to talk about!

When I read Shekhar's post, I felt every word he said are true. But, when I ask myself the question if I would adopt a child from an orphanage and show the same love and affection I show to my daughters, somewhere I lack confidence to say 'yes'. I may be narrow minded or whatever, but I would need counselling to be magnanimous. But, given the scenario, that I have no issues and would have to adopt an orphan, I think I would be a good mother but to bring up such a child amidst our own children will need lot of moral confidence.

Shekhar, I bow to you!
This topic also reminded me of an interesting incident that happened a couple of months back. My daughter suddenly asked me one day that if I come to know that she is not my blood child but one who got misplaced ,say, in the hospital, how would I feel. Though shocked to hear such a question at first, I did think about it. I finally told her that even if I come to know that she is not my 'own' child now, after 11 years of upbringing, I would still want her only, as my child and will not go in search of the 'real' one. The bond formed between us so long cannot be shattered by the fact that she was not really born to me. Though, it is a hypothetical situation, I was in a troubled mood for sometime and this topic has only kindled those memories back!

[Cinefan]

I would not encourage such a arrangement.If a couple can't have a child of their own,they should adopt.In fact it irritates me when I see people spending ridiculous amounts of money&time trying to have a child.Personally I&my wife had decided that if for some reason we can't have a child of our own,we will adopt.We have a son now but the desire to adopt a child is there in the bottom of our hearts.

[jaiganes]

There is this serial "Nilavai p pidippom" in Raj TV. There is a thread in that serial where a child less couple go for a surrogate mother for child and the surrogate mother starts bargaining for carrying the embryo! I felt yuck!! My parents were totally disgusted ! Still TV serials are in 1950s with every serial having one childless woman and her sufferings and her in laws ill treating her for being childless.
I dont know when this 'maladi' malady will get over in this society?
As Cinefan and co have put it, India is a land overflowing with kids, there should not be any problems in adopting. In fact government should come out with propaganda as a part of family planning to encourage adoption. On a related note, Podhigai telecast a programme on adopting HIV + ve children. The programme had interviews of mothers who had adopted HIV + ve children. It was heart wrenching to watch.

[pavalamani pragasam]

Sekhar, my hats of to you. You are one among the rarest.
One of my friend’s daughter in Bangalore also adopted her second child after having a natural one. Such deliberate choices evince a rare virtue, sensibility seen in very few who have widened their mental horizons.
Scorpio is right in her doubts about the broad-mindedness to accept a non-genetically own child as one’s own, may be in extremely impossible situations couple might get reconciled to it. And that is the reason for this increase in opting for surrogation. People are understandably obsessed with having issue of their own “blood”. But the possible trauma of the surrogate mother about parting with her umbilical attachment is the issue that saddens me.
Babies accidentally interchanged in the clinic has been good fodder for silver screen as also the hard situation of telling the adopted child at one stage that he/she is not a natural issue.

[a.ratchasi]

... as also the hard situation of telling the adopted child at one stage that he/she is not a natural issue.

Is it approapriate to tell the child that he/she was adopted?
In my view, as I see the child as my own, why must I tell her that she was adopted?

Of course, if the child were to find that out by herself, I would be more than willing to tell.

But for me to take the lead, it will shatter me to pieces.

[scorpio]

PP Ma'm,

I am trying to put myself in the shoes of an issueless woman. Our society is so very biased towards couples who have no issues and the scorn is wrongfully shown more on the wife. It is the wife who gets emotionally drained day in and day out for being stared and ridiculed for not having borne a child. For people who have the financial backing, I think the woman will definitely want to have a child which is very much 'theirs' even though it was born out of a different womb. I don't even feel the necessity to condemn such an urge citing the numerous orphan children we have in the country. Such an emotion, to somehow have something of her 'own', is very natural. What can substitute the joy of having a child whose eyes, face, chin and manners reflect you and your husband. Narrow-mindedness?? To an extent, but definitely pardonable.

Think of what the relatives and the society at large will react to an adopted child! Though I personally don't care about the 'naalu per' , they , in fact, never keep quiet. What a trauma for the child if someone other than its 'parents' tell him/her that he/she is not a natural child of the couple!

From the surrogate mother's perspective, I think if things were made very clear to her from the very beginning with an efficient counsellor /doctor, she can very much reduce her pain in being deprived of the on she carried so long. More so, if poor women who already have children of their own opt to let out their wombs for financial reasons that will only better her 'own' children, the complication of counselling gets even more reduced.