Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: A First Date with Jenny. The other one doesn't work!!!!!!!!

  1. #1
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    4,307
    Post Thanks / Like

    A First Date with Jenny. The other one doesn't work!!!!!!!!

    Hi guys, I'm sorry about the police story. I'm going a bit slow on it. I need some more ideas. I'm looking around for them. This I just wrote. It's about a first date with Jenny. So tell me what you think.

    The day had reached an end. I walked out of the cubicle, looked around. No one. Not a thing. I looked at the clock. It read 7:35. I had been working more this week. It was giving me less time for what I want to do. But today wasn’t bad. Today, I still had some time left. I walked out of the huge cubicle filled room, and looked outside the window as I waited for the elevator to take me….oh who knows how many floors down. The weather looked gloomy. The rain clouds had just moved in. The winter. The best time of the year. Why? Just fun when things get dark at 5:00. The elevator finally arrived. The doors sidestepped, and I walked in, and pushed the G button. The doors closed again, and I started to feel some reaction in my lower portion of my stomach. I looked at my watch. It was 7:40. I might still have time today. The elevator came to a stop, and opened the door to the great outdoors. I stepped out onto the parking lot. The lights were all out. One was flickering right above my car. I walked to my car. The parking lot was empty. The only car in the huge space consuming lot. I opened the door. A strong, pungent stench hit me in the face. I stopped breathing and got in. I threw my suitcase in the backseat, and grabbed a pair of Jeans and a white T-Shirt which laid on the leather interior seats. I needed to take another breath. My stomach was growing warm. I glanced over a huge garbage bag behind the passenger seat. I needed to clean the car out of all the trash. I looked for a pair of running shoes under the driver’s seat. More pressure was going to my head. I saw a pair of Nikes. I waved my had under Driver’s seat more for the shoes. I head was starting to feel light. Nikes were good. I grabbed them and got out, and took a violent deep breath, and breathed out again, and inhaled again. I looked around. No one in sight. I un buckled my belt, and unbuttoned my pants. I looked around again. No one was in sight. I got out of my pants, and into the Jeans. I took off my coat and the button shirt, and replaced it with the T-Shirt. I looked at my watch. It read 7:50. I almost opened the door to throw my Suit in, when I paused. I thought of the stench again. I looked around. There was a huge dumpster a couple feet away. I’ll throw it away later. I opened the trunk and threw my suit in there. I spotted a pair of leather gloved in one corner. My hands were cold. I put them on and slammed the trunk down. I walked out of the lot and to the sidewalk. A block away there was a nightclub called Lou’s. I started to it. The street was empty. A few cars were parked on the off street parking areas. The red light projected off of the “Lou’s” sign was making my eyes squint. I stood in front of the door. My watch read 8:00. I walked in. I walked into a pool of loud music and yells. There was an empty seat at the counter. I pushed my way through crowd. More yelling. My eyes scanned through the bartenders. There she was. Jenna Hawkins. I took the seat. I looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. She was beautiful. I’d known her since High School. One of the most popular girls. Voted most desirable by the student body. She had it all. She never knew me though. I was in her Pre-Calculus class. But I was never noticed by her. That’s what happened to the nerds. They were never meant to be noticed by beauties like Jenna. She still doesn’t know that I was in her class. She walked towards me. “Hi Alex!” She said. I smiled again.
    “Hi.”
    “Where were you all this week?”
    “Just working overtime at work. Just got a little busy.”
    “Oh, Ok. I missed you. Hoping to see you sometime soon.” She was friendly. Always the social type.
    “You never answered me about the dinner thing.” I asked. I had brought up the guts to ask her out last week. She said she’d answer me the next day.
    “You never came.”
    “I know, I’m sorry. Well, I’m here now aren’t I?” I smiled again. “I’m free tonight.” She smiled first. Then answered.
    “Sure, I get off at 8:30.” She said. I couldn’t believe it. I had just gotten a date with Jenna Hawkins. My stomach felt funny. I looked at the watch. It was 8:10.
    “I’ll wait.” I said. She blushed and walked away. I took a few deep breaths. That made me feel better. The loud music seemed louder. I sat there, started to plan. This is what would happen. I’d take her to my car after she gets off, and just move things on from there. I looked at the woman playing the guitar. She was pretty. She looked up. I smiled. She smiled back. I gave her thumbs up. She gave me a wider smile, and continued to play. For the next fifteen minutes, I heard her work the Guitar. She was good. Just like in…
    “Hi.” I turned around. It was Jenna. She had fixed herself up. Beautiful. Her blond hair was now let down, and the eyeliner had made her blue eyes look even prettier.
    “Ready to go?” I asked. She smiled and nodded. Cute. We started to walk out of the bar. I had left my lighter on the counter.
    “Hold on Jenn, let me get my lighter from the counter.” I said.
    “Ok, I’ll wait for you outside.” She said and continued for the door. I grabbed my lighter and smiled again at the pretty guitarist on my way out, she did the same. Outside Jenny was putting on her lipstick. I walked up to her.
    “ So where do u want to go?” I asked.
    “Anywhere, your choice.” Jenny the nice one. Jenny the easy giving one. Jenny the considerate one. That’s what she was in High School and even now.
    “Ok, lets go the car first.” I said and walked with her. “Jenn, do you know where I went for High School?” I asked.
    “No.” She said and looked interested. Jenny the good listener. We got close to the parking lot. Mine was still the only car there. The light was still flickering.
    “I went to Lincoln High in Embarcadero.” I said, she looked shocked. Naturally.
    “What?…That’s where…”
    “You went, I know. I was in your Pre-Cal class.” I said, she looked even more shocked.
    “What…..I….I’m so….I don’t remember you.” She had a hard time getting the words out. Still smiling. My heart start to beat louder.
    “ I know, I’m was the nerd in the back of the class.” I said, still smiling.
    “ I….I’m so sorry…..But I really don’t..oh I feel like such a jerk.” She put her hand on her head. My body’s temperature raised.
    “No, forget it.” We walked closer to the car. I looked around. Still no one. “Forget it. Anyway, where do you want to go?”
    She was still shocked and guilty. “I’m..so.”
    “Oh, Come on Jen, forget it.” I said and smiled. She came closer. I put one hand on her hip, the other still in my left pocket. She put hers on my chest, and got on her toes. I met her half way for the kiss. My heart was racing now. I put my hands on the box cutter in my pocket, and pulled it out. She looked at it and pulled away. I grabbed her neck and wrapped my left palm across her mouth, and jammed her against the car. She tried to scream. With a quick move, I pushed the box cutter across her neck. She kicked and moved. I held her tight with one hand. Warm liquid ran over my right palm. She flinched. I held her tight. She tried to scream again. I held her tight. Her vision slowly started to fade. I held her tight. Finally her lifeless body rested on my shoulder. I looked around. No one was there. I slowly put her on the ground, and quickly ran to the trunk, and pulled out an extra large garbage bag. I ran to her corpse unsoldering it. I opened it an shoved her in foot by foot, head first. I tied a knoch at the end, and opened the back door. The strong stench hit me in the face again. I lifted the whole 135lbs and dropped it inside the back of the car. It was time to get rid of the other bag. I pulled it out and lifted it with both my hands, and walked towards the dumpster. When I got there, I looked around again. No one in sight. I opened the dumpster and pulled the bag over my head. The knotch came loose and the pale corpse of Laura McDaniel fell to the ground with a thud. I looked around again. Nada. I picked up the lifeless corpse over my head. I started getting flashbacks of her in School. I put her body on the steel wall for some support. Laura, also one of the most popular in School. She was the Prom Queen, voted as the most popular. With a final push, I pushed her whole body into the dumpster, and closed the door, before my head exploded. Laura was in my Physics class, I knew her, she never knew me. I jogged away from the dumpster taking deep breathes. That’s what a week old decomposing body smells like. I walked to my car and looked down. The blood from Jenn had stained the ground. I went to the trunk and grabbed a gallon of water, and poured it on the stain diluting the blood. That stain would be gone by tomorrow. I walked to the trunk again, and threw the empty gallon can inside. My hands were sweating. I removed the gloves and threw them in the trunk as well. Won’t need them anymore. I jogged to the driver’s side of the car, opened the door and got it. Started the car, and began to drive home. I thought of Patricia Perry. The girl in my Geology class. Patricia, the best guitarist in school….

    Please don't think I'm a pervert, or a psycho! This story is inspired by "Kiss the Girls" by James Patterson. I"m not a psycho. I"m still the Surya u know and love. .

    Regards.
    Back after a while...

  2. # ADS
    Circuit advertisement
    Join Date
    Always
    Posts
    Many
     

  3. #2
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    3,196
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hey Surya
    don't ever apologize for the topic you write upon....what you write and what you are can be as different as two people from across the world...anyways don't worry you'll have enough things to apologize for: puncuation errors, no flow, sloppy grammar well you get the picture...

    if you want my honest opinion i do like this one...though i don't read crime/mystery/thriller novels but i would like to see something original something that isn't an inspiration from another work...there is bound to be influence but inspiration need not be...sometimes if need be just use key lines...try to write a story with a blank slate....maybe i shouldn't be so brutally honest but i think you do have the talent to do so...

  4. #3
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    4,307
    Post Thanks / Like
    Q! Thanks!!!
    Be as brutal as u can. I like it when people give me harcore reviews on my writing, it really helps me improve.

    Also,
    I was hoping to get teh message across that Patrisha Perry is the woman playing the guitar in the bar and also the girl that I mentioned in the end. Did i get that across to the reader, or should I put more clues etc throughout the stroy?

    Thanks again.
    Back after a while...

  5. #4
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    3,196
    Post Thanks / Like
    Quote Originally Posted by Surya

    Also,
    I was hoping to get teh message across that Patrisha Perry is the woman playing the guitar in the bar and also the girl that I mentioned in the end. Did i get that across to the reader, or should I put more clues etc throughout the stroy?

    Thanks again.
    actually i really like how you 'clued' us in about that...even i was wondering why is he smiling so openly like he knows her...any more clues and it would have been too obvious

  6. #5
    Senior Member Senior Hubber nirosha sen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hmmm....is it the same serial killer in the Plymouth car, in the Tales thread????!!! Sounds way too similar Pa!!

    If it is, it certainly makes a good continuing story like Ted Bundy's trail or something!!

    Scary but good, though a bit voyeristically ritualist. But then a lot of these Psychos have this cat and mouse narcissism in them any way. A catch me if you can, psycho-thriller!!

  7. #6
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    4,307
    Post Thanks / Like
    Thanks Nirosha!

    I'm trying to write a series of short stories with the same killer. Just experimenting. I might make them 2 killers in the process of twinning, and later on expand the storyline. not sure just yet though.
    Yes I realized that they were very similar. The style is kind of hard to come out of. Also the idea of the knife to the neck are also similar.

    I didn't proof read it, I just posted it on here for reiews. Thanks. When I read it agian yesterday I noticed tons of errors, and many adjustments that I could have done.

    Thanks. This is great!
    Back after a while...

  8. #7
    Member Junior Hubber coltsith's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    California
    Posts
    55
    Post Thanks / Like
    Surya this is really good. Just work on the punctuation with your word processor a bit and it should be fine. I would watch out for the use of I's but other than that, its all good.

  9. #8
    Moderator Veteran Hubber Badri's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,276
    Post Thanks / Like
    Pretty gripping, mate...and rather wonderful the way you have brought out the killer's mentality in so short a piece...guess I shall have to invest some time to watch your career with interest, what?

    That said, try cutting out some of the I's, will ya? Yeah, it is all about Alex, but too much of it kinda surfeits...and sometimes, just sometimes, describing everything maynot be a really bright idea...like "The only car in the huge space consuming lot"

    Looks a little contrived, if you get my meaning.

    Again,

    "I started to feel some reaction in my lower portion of my stomach"

    ...I mean what was that...glad you didn't say, "I started to feel some reaction just where the duodenum loops over the pancreas, or something!

    But otherwise, great going, mate...and waiting to see the rest!
    When we stop labouring under the delusion of our cosmic self-importance, we are free of hindrance, fear, worry and attachment. We are liberated!!!

  10. #9
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    4,307
    Post Thanks / Like
    Thanks Badri!

    I'll hoping to write some more.
    Back after a while...

Similar Threads

  1. Best Hub ODI team (From 1990 - Till date)
    By 19thmay in forum Sports
    Replies: 363
    Last Post: 26th October 2010, 08:45 PM
  2. Iman's best work till date: Tiruvilayadal
    By Arjuna in forum Current Topics
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 14th October 2006, 11:56 PM
  3. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 17th April 2006, 11:33 AM
  4. The Most Desired Dream Date - Aishwarya Rai
    By Superstar in forum Indian Films
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 26th March 2006, 02:06 PM
  5. LPG has an expiry date!!!
    By Cindy in forum Indian Food
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 19th February 2005, 01:18 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •