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Thread: So what’s your attitude to “dating”? I would genuinely appreciate advice...

  1. #1
    Senior Member Devoted Hubber Bipolar's Avatar
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    So what’s your attitude to “dating”? I would genuinely appreciate advice...

    .



    Okay, I know we’ve discussed this before…

    But now I’m looking at it differently.

    There’s a number of questions here…

    I’m from Tamil Nadu originally. I’m 32. Still single.

    Family want me to have an “arranged marriage.”

    I’ve lived in the UK for many years now. I’ve met a North Indian woman here. I’m interested in her. We’re in the same line of work. But other than that, I probably don’t have much in common with her. She is good-looking. She’s North Indian, so I think maybe there are some cultural similarities.

    I’m considering asking her out.

    But… I don’t know if I’m about to waste my time.

    If it doesn’t work out – if it turns out that we don’t have a lot in common, then I’ll be going back to the beginning. And it might damage my chances of an arranged marriage (“love failure case”-nnu edhaavadhu solleeduvaangalo-nnu oru bayam; yErkaNavE 32 vayasu aayiduchu… idhula indha thalavali vEra-yaa? prachchanayE vEndaam-nnu oru pakkam thONudhu).

    But then again, it’s frustrating to be unable to form a relationship with someone that I actually have feelings for… and it’s frustrating having to wait for someone from a different place, someone that I didn’t actually impress myself…

    If it was completely my choice, I would not mind waiting a little longer. I would not mind if I had to go through a few failed relationships to find “the one”. But as someone who lives within Tamil society, I don’t know if I will be hurting myself in the long run by getting into a relationship at this point, at this age. Senior folks here, your opinions here would be genuinely appreciated.

    So, is 32 too old to be single (by Tamil social/cultural norms)?

    Also, what’s the general view on “dating” in Tamil society these days? Are people more liberal? Or is it heavily frowned upon?

    Anyone have similar experiences?

    Let me say this again - I'm not asking "is it right or wrong" - I don't believe there is anything "wrong" with deciding one's own personal relationship/life choices. I'm asking - "from the point of view of Tamil social/cultural norms, what is the general view?"

    I would genuinely appreciate your advice. What advice would you give if your nephew or your friend’s son was in this situation?



    .

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber rajraj's Avatar
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    Bipolar,
    I generally don't get involved in personal matters. I will make an exception for you.

    First of all you have to decide whether you want an arranged marriage or find your own partner.

    Dating is for getting to know each other well. That includes likes, dislikes, personal principles, willingness to
    compromise and finally compatibility.
    Don't assume that you will find a match in the first one you date. Don't assume you can decide in a few weeks.
    It may take months .
    There is nothing wrong in breaking up if compatibility is very poor.

    Here is something from my own experience:
    When my sons ( born and brought up in the US) were in middle school they declared there would be no arranged
    marriage for them. We agreed. But told them our order of preference:

    1. Tamil speaking
    2. South Indian
    3. Indian
    4. Others

    We also told them that if they go farther from their own sphere ( Tamil speaking) compatibility will be an issue.

    If both are born and brought in the US, there will be less compatibility problems.

    I have given my opinion. If you have anything specific please ask!

    Good luck!

    32 is not old. Take another three years to find the one with perfect match !
    " I think there is a world market for may be five computers". IBM Chairman Thomas Watson in 1943.

  4. #3
    Senior Member Platinum Hubber pavalamani pragasam's Avatar
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    Bipolar, I am glad you asked for our opinion. My last child(of the 3) is older than you and that emboldens me to talk to you as your mother would. First of all 32 nowadays is not at all late( but we got our 2 sons married at the age of 25); now eligible girls waiting for marriage are that age and even more, much to my sadness. Do not postpone any more.
    You have stated clearly that your family wants an arranged marriage which means you are lucky to have a caring, doting family which loves to see you settled in married life and enjoy the next promotions in a human being's life. Trust your family implicitly(my sons did). They mean good, will die to see you live happily. Their decisions can't go wrong. You allowed them to make decisions for you ever since you were born, educated and settled in a career. Do not deprive them of their duty/pleasure of arranging your marriage. Trust their judgement, they brought you up knowing all your likes and dislikes; so will know what type of a partner will suit you best. They weigh skillfully many factors with wisdom and discretion before entering into any serious involvement. Don't listen too much to blah blah about compatibility! If you make up your mind to accept your partner with all the differences(and idiosyncrasies!) and mutual resolution to respect each one's space it is not a battle you can't win, my young man! "They lived happily ever after" is a fairy tale ending. Real life is not a fairy tale! Expect non-stop warfare-silent or/and noisy. It is the spice of marriage! How dreary it will be to find one person nodding yes to everything the other person says! But be very careful to never cross the limits of decency and fairness. Give and take. Being opposite poles is equally interesting as being like-minded! There is thrill in taking a lifetime to understand each other- I and my hubby haven't finished yet! So no need to worry/fear about marrying a 'stranger'! How well do you hope to know a person dating her? Read her, learn her at leisure equipped with the strength of commitment. Marriage is not a one-way traffic- equal rights and equal responsibilities; it takes two to tango. Both must strive together to stick together- yes stick together, I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
    My two cents, my son!
    Eager to watch the trends of the world & to nurture in the youth who carry the future world on their shoulders a right sense of values.

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    Senior Member Platinum Hubber pavalamani pragasam's Avatar
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    P.S. Be sure to tell your family about your preferences like in matrimonial ads:tall, fair, educated, professional, working, not working etc! Recently I read a novel in which the father chooses a girl for his son who is not the type the son was dreaming about but somehow(inexplicable magic in such matters!) when he meets her he falls flat!!!
    Eager to watch the trends of the world & to nurture in the youth who carry the future world on their shoulders a right sense of values.

  7. #5
    Senior Member Devoted Hubber Bipolar's Avatar
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    .



    I'd like to thank RajRaj Sir and PP ma'am for their words of advice. I very much appreciate it, especially as it comes from those who are able to offer advice from a parental point of view.


    .
    "The best form is no form." - Bruce Lee

  8. #6
    Senior Member Platinum Hubber pavalamani pragasam's Avatar
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    Thanks, Bipolar! Wish you all the best!
    Eager to watch the trends of the world & to nurture in the youth who carry the future world on their shoulders a right sense of values.

  9. #7
    Senior Member Regular Hubber Chappani's Avatar
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    Hi Bipolar!!

    I had an arranged marriage, when I was 25 and now I have my eldest son grown up to my height!! personally very much satisfied with my married life.

    About marriage OR any personal matters, go with what your heart says, believe in it and put your step forward - I believe the gut feeling to be god sent () - As we believe everything happens in this world as per God's wishes so is this. If you like this Girl, go ahead and propose and take it forward. Only thing we need to ensure is that we take responsibility in future for what we have done in present, if things are not working as we expect, correct it, make it work - don't run away giving excuses.

    and 32 is not late at all!! There is no age defined for sharing life and happiness!

    All the best to you!!

    Srinivasan
    Last edited by Chappani; 20th February 2015 at 11:32 AM.

  10. #8
    Senior Member Devoted Hubber Bipolar's Avatar
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    What's the average age for marriage for men in Tamil Nadu?

    If I delay getting married until the age of 33-34, am I making a big mistake?

    I really am in an awkward situation. My family are putting a lot of pressure on me - they want to "introduce" me to women from my own community. They want to do this within the next few weeks/months. We've been offered a few "alliances". I'm trying really hard to delay things.

    I am definitely NOT "in love" with Ashwini(*) - I know this is just an infatuation. STILL, I don't feel ready to think about marrying anyone else. I've tried explaining things to my own family. They don't want to know about it. They're saying "if you're not in a serious relationship, then what's the problem? Why can't you move on?"

    Yes, it's not a "serious" relationship. It's not even a "relationship". In fact, Ashwini doesn't even know that I like her. But the problem is, we still work together. We are going to work together for another year. If I was not working with Ashwini, eventually I would get over her. Or if I move to a different job within the next two-three months, I will probably forget about her even sooner. BUT STILL, right now, I just don't feel ready to think about marrying someone else.

    I am NOT expecting to get married to Ashwini. But I don't feel ready to marry anyone else, either.

    Maybe other guys would be more "practical". That's what everyone seems to talk about, all the time, when they don't get what they want - "be practical". But I'm struggling. REALLY struggling.

    I feel guilty, I feel as if I'm letting my family down by delaying my own marriage. They have the best intentions for me, they're worried that "it's already late" (I'm 32 - most of my friends are already married, many of them are parents themselves now). I feel I am upsetting them even more by delaying my own marriage. But if I try to "forget" about Ashwini - I'll just feel bad. For the next year, I'll probably be seeing her regularly at the workplace, and I will feel bad.

    Feeling really frustrated. I don't know if I can be "practical".

    Part of the reason why I'm posting this here is - I think there may be other guys who go through similar situations. May be they will search for advice on the internet (when your own family does not seem to understand, where else can you go?), maybe they will find this thread.

    If it's okay to delay marriage until the age of 34, that seems to be the easiest option. I can delay things for a year, focus my energy on other things, keep my head clear, then I can think about getting married.

    Advice/thoughts appreciated.



    .
    "The best form is no form." - Bruce Lee

  11. #9
    Administrator Platinum Hubber NOV's Avatar
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    1. It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
    Pluck your courage and ask her for coffee immediately after office. Her response should give you an indication on what she thinks of you.

    2. You cannot have your cake and eat it too - meaning you can't worry about what the community says and then do what you like.
    Make a decision on which is more important to you.

    3. 32 is ripe age for marriage. Of course, you can get married at 34, 36, 40, 50 or 60.
    But if I were you, I won't want to be handling school-going children when I am ready for retirement.
    As a parent, I would want my son to be settled down at this age.

    Way forward - approach the girl you admire and then decide whether you want to wait.

    Hard, cold fact - if you can't pluck the courage to ask her out, how are you going to handle further challenges (like cross-community marriage)?
    Never argue with a fool or he will drag you down to his level and beat you at it through sheer experience!

  12. #10
    Moderator Diamond Hubber aanaa's Avatar
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    Its your life

    final decision will be yours.

    No one is coming along with you
    your path you lead you travel


    its not in love/ not in arranged its in you.
    Marriage no one winning
    always understanding.

    understanding comes in culture.



    Good luck
    "அன்பே சிவம்.

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