Wit

[a.ratchasi]

One evening late in his life, the charming former senator Chauncey Depew found himself seated at a dinner party beside a young woman in a very low-cut, off-the-shoulder dress.
Depew, peering at the woman's decolletage, leaned toward her. "My dear," he asked, "what is keeping that dress on you?" The woman's reply? "Only your age, Mr. Depew!"

[NOV]

The boxer, Muhammed Ali was once asked about his choice of career:

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. "

[NOV]

The Greatest Opening Paragraph in American Literature

There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge.

--from Red Wind, by Raymond Chandler

[NOV]

Calvin: You know, I don't think math is a science, I think it's a religion.

Hobbes: A religion?

Calvin: Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. [Pointing at his math book] This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion!

Hobbes: And in the public schools no less. Call a lawyer.

Calvin: [Looking at his homework] As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

[NOV]

Gautama Buddha's preaching was interrupted one day by a man unleashing a flurry of abusive invective.

Calmly waiting for his critic to finish, Buddha asked: "If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?"

"To the one who offered it," the man replied.

"Then," Buddha declared, "I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself."

[NOV]

Dorothy Parker did not suffer boredom, or bores, gladly. ("He's the type of man," she remarked of one bore, "who is sure to keep the conversation ho-humming.")

While attending a party one evening, Parker was asked by an annoying guest if she had ever had her ears pierced.

"No," she drily replied. "But I have often had them bored."

[nirosha sen]

Nov - Your Buddha's wit was the exact same when Ramu gave that smart rejoinder to Prabavathi's abuse when she comes to see him in the Ashram!!

Same scene from "Chitti"!!

[Querida]

(well this is far from wit...more like snappy jokes that luckily for him got some laffs)
Chris Rock says:

"We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed."

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."

"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystander ."

[pavalamani pragasam]

An actress congratulated an authoress on her book “A Bleak Future”. “I enjoyed it”, she said, “ Who wrote it for you?” “Darling”, clawed the authoress, “I’m glad you liked it. Who read it to you?”

Two English school boys who took a dislike to each other, grew up. One became an admiral while the other became a bishop. Years later, they met on a London railway station platform. They had changed, of course, and the bishop had grown very plump but they recognized each other. The bishop went up to the admiral who was resplendent with medals and gold braid glittering all over him, and said “Station master, from which platform does the 11.05 train leave for Oxford?” The admiral promptly retaliated, “Platform 5, Madam. But in your condition, should you be travelling?”

[NOV]

Good ones PP.

George Bernard Shaw was always known for his wit.
Here are some of his typical one liners:


If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


Practice makes perfect..... but nobody's perfect...... so why practice?


I was born intelligent - education ruined me.


Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.


One should love animals.....they are so tasty.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman ... and behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.


The wise never marry and when they marry they become otherwise.


Success is a relative term; it brings so many relatives.


Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.


"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep .


There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.


"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk


"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours.


God made relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.


The more you learn, the more you know; the more you know, the more you forget; the more you forget, the less you know; so.. why learn.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........