Wit

[NOV]

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
- Unknown

[NOV]

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger

[NOV]

A notoriously vain actor named Dustin Farnum once boasted to Oliver Herford that he was a "smash hit!"
"Only yesterday, during the last act," Farnum declared, "I had the audience glued in their seats!"

"Wonderful! Wonderful!" Herford replied. "Clever of you to think of it."

[NOV]

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk!

Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you will still be ugly.

[NOV]

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

[NOV]

Shortly before his execution by firing squad, the notorious murderer James Rodgers was asked whether he had any final requests.

"Why yes," he replied. "I'd like a bulletproof vest."

[Shakthiprabha.]

I would like to share a wellknown wit with all of u (I think most of u would know it)

____

Benard shaw was walking up the road, when he bumped into rival, who was too pleased to insult him.

Rival proceeded to say "I dont give way to fools MOVE AWAY"

Bernard smiled quietly and said "I DO" and stepped aside

[Shekhar]

NOV ...
Simply marvellous

One small correction, if you don't mind. The correct spelling is 'GANDHI' not Ghandi.

[NOV]

Thanks Shekhar; amended.

(from a forwarded mail)

In the entire history of cinema, I don’t think there has ever been a character who more exemplified the male ideals than James Bond. Talk about the perfect role model; this guy had it all: Beautiful women, a cool job, incredible gadgets, and a license to kill. More importantly, James Bond oozed coolness from every pore. He was never at a loss for words and always had the perfect one-liner stashed away in the inside pocket of his Armani suit. Clearly, there’s much that the Average Joe could learn from Secret Agent 007.

What follows is a list of James Bond’s best quips, quotes, and one-liners from his 40+ year tenure as the top spy in her Majesty’s Secret Service:


Alec Trevelyan: “Half of everything is luck, James.”
Bond: “And the other half?”
Alec Trevelyan: “Fate.”


Caroline: “James, is it really necessary to drive quite so fast?”
Bond: “More often than you’d think.”
Caroline: “I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl, but—”
[A woman drives alongside and smiles]
Caroline: “Who’s that?”
Bond: “The next girl.”
Caroline: “James, stop this, stop it! I know what you’re doing.”
Bond: “Really? What’s that, dear?”
Caroline: “You are just trying to show off the size of your, your—”
Bond: “Engine?”


M: “Because I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War, whose boyish charms—though wasted on me—obviously appeal to that young woman I sent to evaluate you.”
Bond: “Point taken.”


Dimitri Mishkin: “So, by what means shall we execute you, Commander Bond?”
Bond: “What, no small talk? No chitchat? That’s the trouble with the world today. No one takes the time to do a really sinister interrogation anymore. It’s a lost art.”


Girl: “Hi, I’m Plenty.”
Bond: “But of course you are.”
Plenty: “Plenty O’Toole.”
Bond: “Named after your father perhaps?”


Bond: “Get dressed, and I’ll buy you an ice cream.”
[To Bibi Dahl, a teenager who unsuccessfully tries to seduce Bond]


Bond: “I think he got the point.”
[Impaling Vargas with a spear gun]


Bond: “Do you expect me to talk?”
Goldfinger: “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”


Bond: “Shocking! Positively shocking!”
[Upon knocking a lamp into a bathtub and electrocuting a hitman]


Dr. Holly Goodhead: “Hang on!”
Bond: “The thought had occurred to me.”
[While dangling from a cable car high above earth]


Bond: “Miss Anders... I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”


Helga Brandt: “I’ve got you now.”
Bond: “Well enjoy yourself.”


Hugo Drax: “Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?”
Bond: “I discovered it had a crush on me.”


Bond: “That’s a nice little nothing you’re almost wearing.”


Tiger Tanaka: “You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don’t you? It’s the hair on your chest. All Japanese men have beautiful bare skin.”
Bond: “Ancient Japanese proverb: ‘Bird never build nest in bare tree.’”


Bond: “Who are you?”
Pussy Galore: “My name is Pussy Galore.”
Bond: “I must be dreaming.”


Bond: [While bedding Christmas Jones] “I thought Christmas only comes once a year...”


Xenia Onatopp: “You don’t need the gun.”
Bond: “Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.”


Bond: “Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?”
Chinese Girl: “You think we better, huh?”
Bond:“No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different from Russian Caviar.”
Chinese Girl: “Darling, I give you very best duck.”


Bond: “Weren’t you a blonde when I came in?”
Tiffany Case: “Could be.”
Bond: “I tend to notice little things like that—whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.”


Bond: “Well my dear, I take it you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.”
Jenny Flex: “Yes, I love an early morning ride.”
Bond: “Well, I’m an early riser myself.”


Max Zorin: “Ha, ha, you amuse me, Mr. Bond.”
Bond: “Well, it’s not mutual.”


Tatiana: “The mechanism is... Oh James, James... Will you make love to me all the time in England?”
Bond: “Day and night. Go on about the mechanism.”


Bond: “Red wine with fish. Well, that should have told me something!”


Cigar Girl: “Would you like to check my figures?”
Bond: “I’m sure they’re perfectly rounded!”


Renard: “How sad, to be threatened by a man who can’t grasp what he’s involved in.”
Bond: “Revenge is not hard to fathom for a man who believes in nothing.”


Moneypenny: “James, where are you?”
Bond: “Oh, Moneypenny. I’m just up here at Oxford, brushing up on a little Danish.”
Danish Girl: “A little?!”


Moneypenny: “You know, this kind of behavior could qualify as sexual harassment!”
Bond: “And what’s the penalty for that?”
Moneypenny: “Someday you’ll have to make good on your innuendos!”


Fatima Blush: “How clumsy of me, now I’ve gotten you all wet!”
Bond: “Yes, but my Martini is still dry!”


Largo: Do you lose as gracefully as you win?
Bond: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never lost!


Girl: “Oh James, I can not find the words.”
Bond: “Well, let me try to enlargen your vocabulary...”

[iyappan]

A Man waswalking down a street when he heard a
voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a
brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right
in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to
cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over you,
and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car
came careening around the corner, barely missing
him.
The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your
guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"