Wit

[NOV]

Please post witty exchanges & retorts here.

An example: George Bernard Shaw was once introduced to a woman, who disliked his policies.
She said to him: "If I were your wife, I would poison your coffee."
The quick thinking Shaw retorted, "Lady, if you were my wife, I will drink it."

[NOV]

A young actress was once invited by Ethel Barrymore to dinner - who not only failed to appear but neglected to apologize or account for her absence.

A few days later, the two women unexpectedly met at the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) in New York. "I think I was invited to your house to dinner last Thursday night," the young woman began.

"Oh, yes?" Barrymore replied. "Did you come?"

[NOV]

Arriving at Plymouth church one Sunday, Henry Ward Beecher found in his mail a curious letter containing a single word: "Fool."

During the service that morning, he related the incident to his congregation:
"I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this," he declared, "is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter!"

[NOV]

Tristan Bernard once won a newspaper competition by providing the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre and you could save only one painting, which would it be?"

His answer? "The one nearest the exit!"

[NOV]

Golda Meir (1898-1978), once told a visiting diplomat: "Don’t be so humble - you are not that great."

[NOV]

While appearing on "The Goon Show," Peter Sellers received a curious letter from one of the program's fans:

"Dear Mr. Sellers,

I have been a keen follower of yours for many years now, and should be most grateful if you would kindly send me a singed [sic] photograph of yourself..."

Encouraged by his friend and fellow-comedian Harry Secombe, Sellers carefully burned the edges of one of his publicity photographs with his cigarette lighter - and sent it off by return mail...

Several weeks later, another letter arrived from the same address:

"Dear Mr. Sellers,
Thank you very much for the photograph, but I wonder if I could trouble you for another as this one is signed all round the edge..."

[NOV]

Talking about atheists, Douglas Adams said,

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move."

[NOV]

"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
- Woody Allen

[NOV]

One evening Calvin Coolidge was sitting at dinner when a fellow guest - well aware of his reputation for taciturnity - attempted to lure him into conversation. "I have made a bet, Mr. Coolidge," she began, "that I can get more than two words out of you."

Calvin's reply? "You lose."

[NOV]

Mahatma Gandhi was once asked what he thought of Western civilization.

His reply: "I think it would be a good idea."