Wit

[NOV]

Lexophile is a word used to describe those who love using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition is held every year to see who can come up with the best one.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
1. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
2. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
3. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
4. The batteries were given out free of charge.
5. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
6. A will is a dead giveaway.
7. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
8. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
9. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
10. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
11. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
13. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
14. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
15. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
16. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
17. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

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what do you do with a dead chemist? barium.

wanna hear a potassium joke? k.

two men walk into a bar. the first asks for an H2O. the second says, "i'll have an H2O too." the second guy died

element jokes are anything but boron

Helium walked into a bar. The bartender said "we don't take kindly to noble gasses here." Helium didn't react.

[raagadevan]

Smart Seats

WestJet (Canada) introduces Smart Seats; a new innovation...



Thanks to WestJet and Youtube.

[NOV]

1. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

5. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.

11. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

16. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”

19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.

[NOV]

We must check our PM thoroughly when he returns to our country...
We can't trust these Chinese, they can produce a duplicate PM....

[NOV]

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

[NOV]

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

You have my Word.

[NOV]

Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.