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Thread: THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT!! PLEASE READ IT AND GEIVE SOME FEEDBA

  1. #11
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    PS : is this how these ppl really talk !!?? - I had always thought the movies had exaggerated their language.
    Shakthi,
    Like Querida said, people speak worse than what I've written. I just toned it down a little, so that it isn't too vulgar, or whatever. Thanks for the feedback!

    Querida,
    As long as someone is reading my story. Before it just used be write and store on my comp for it to just sit there. It's actually much more inspiring when people actually read it.
    Well, I've planned for a......'shakedown' in the next chapter, hope it turns out well.
    Stay tuned.


    C-Man!
    Wassup! U actually listened to me and got an ID here! Cool! Don't just stick around here man, get into other disscussions!! U don't need to be an Indian to understand things that people discuss here, for the most part. Thanks for the feedback!

    Regards. 8)
    Back after a while...

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  3. #12
    Senior Member Seasoned Hubber
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    Quote Originally Posted by Surya
    Well, I've planned for a......'shakedown' in the next chapter, hope it turns out well.
    Stay tuned.
    Surya.....can't wait for the next chapter. Great story so far... U planning to publish it??

  4. #13
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    Thanks NM!
    Publish .........it probably not. Not nearly good enought for publishing. But like I said this is my rough rough rough roughest draft.
    I"m writing the "Shakedown" now. Hope u enjoy it after I'm done.

    Regards. 8)
    Back after a while...

  5. #14
    Senior Member Senior Hubber nirosha sen's Avatar
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    Sorry Surya - Been busy with Annamalai 2 Pa!! Good going!! Feels like some Hollywood production in motion!! You plan on having M Night Shyamalan take a peek too???!!

  6. #15
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    Nirosha,
    Thanks! I'm honored to have it reviewed by u!
    Yeah, I called him, he said that he'd take a peek when he has time.

    I'll have the other 2 chaps by friday hopefully.
    Back after a while...

  7. #16
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    Sorry for the late update.

    It's got a few errors. Rough draft.
    Well here it is. Please R&R.

    Chapter 5.
    The drive was smooth. We drove into a neighborhood that looked like it was something god had wiped off of his shoe. The houses were all falling apart, the front yards were yellowing to death, almost every house had a Pit-bull tied to the front porch with a metal chain. Cars were at least twenty years old. A few had broken windows, some had a few bullet holes on the doors. I had butterflies going all over the place in my stomach, checked for my gun again. We pulled over under a huge, shadowy tree. Alonzo looked through the windshield at the a group of Chicano late-teens sitting on a wall. One of them had a pistol sticking out of his pocket. Another just sat there with a beer bottle in his hand. Two girls had cigarettes between their fingers letting out puffs of smoke. Another shirtless Chicano boy walked up to the group, he looked about 17. He had a huge tattoo of a man wearing a Sombrero taking up almost all the skin on his back. “What are we doing here man?” I asked. He looked at me, and turned back to the wall.
    “You see that kid with the Sombrero Tattoo?”
    “Yeah.”
    “That’s my boy, that’s my boy NETHO.” He said taking the durag off of his head, revealing a shiny, baldhead. I almost chuckled. “He lets me know when big sh*t goes down.” He said rubbing his baldhead. Big sh*t. I breathed out, and inhaled again.
    “He’s an informer?”
    “Yeah, punk is only 17 but he can deal with the best of them.” He said.
    “And you trust him?” I asked. I wouldn’t.
    “Damn right I trust him.” A green buggy pulled over to the wall. “There it goes.” He said pushing the key into the ignition. “Lock and Load! When we pull him over, I’ll take the front, you take the back.” He said, and waited. I looked at the driver. He was white, looked to be about twenty-two.
    “But they look like college kids man.” I said.
    “Well, They're gonna get an education today.” Netho walked to the driver, and there was some hand shaking, and “low-fives.” That’s how they exchanged their money and dope. “You see that?” Alonzo said not taking his eyes off of the dealing.
    “Yeah I saw that.” I said and went for the rover, for back up.
    “STAY-OFF-OF-THE-RO-VER” He said like he was sounding off syllables and started the Monte Carlo. The green buggy started to drive away. Alonzo slammed on the gas, there was a long screech. The Chicano kids broke into a run. “Yeah! Run baby run.” He said as we finally took off. The green buggy started to go faster, so did we. Alonzo made a couple unneeded swirls, and we overtook the green buggy. There were three of them. Two guys in the front, and one girl in the back. We flew by them, and finally made a sharp cut, and screeched to a stop. The green buggy was coming straight at my door screeching to a stop. I pulled my berretta out and opened the door. Alonzo did the same. I pointed the firearm at the car and went to the back like I was told to. The Girl. Alonzo followed close behind yelling the usual. “Put your hands on the windows!!!” I had my gun pointed at the girl who grabbed the glass. “Throw the keys out the window!!! Throw the keys out the window!!!” The driver tossed the keys out the window. He looked like he was going to cry. “Now give it to me!!”
    “Give what?” The driver played innocent.
    “You know that the fu*k I’m talking about!!! The dope, give me the dope.” He said and grabbed the driver’s ear and twisted it and pointing his pistol at the driver’s face. The driver screamed and broke into tears. Wasn’t that illegal? Alonzo’s head snapped in the girl’s direction. “Mam!! Pleas----HEY! CONTROL YOUR SUSPECT!!!!” That was for me. The girl had reached for something in her bag.
    “Mam, please put you palms on the windows!!”
    “Give it to me!!!” Alonzo yelled again. The driver handed him a small packet made of Aluminum Foil.
    “Sir, I’m so sorry.” The guy in the passenger’s seat was crying also.
    “It’ s to late for that now! Give me that pipe you got there!!!” He said eyeing at the pipe on the floor, in the passenger’s seat.
    “My mom gave me this pipe.” The driver said sobbing.
    “Too bad, she can pick it up at the station!!” Alonzo handed me the evidence. “Now what are you doing here? Huh? This is a gang neighborhood, you know that this is a gang neighborhood?” He said twisting the kid’s ear. Alonzo’s gun was now les than an inch away from the kid’s face. He squealed, and cried some more, and slightly nodded.
    “Then don’t come down here!!! If you do, I’m gonna take your car, I’m gonna take your license, and I’m gonna tell those compadres up the hill to run a train on your girlfriend.” He said tilting his head slightly towards the girl in the back seat. Now the girl started to cry. Running a train was slang for rape. I didn’t fell like a cop now, I felt like bully. A bully bullying young kids. “You know what a train is right??” Alonzo was now pushing his gun against the kid’s cheek. The driver was now crying his eyes out. He managed to nod. “Alright!!” He let go of his ear and pulled his pistol back. “Alright.” He smiled. “Have a good day ladies and gentlemen!” He said and started to walk towards the car. “Let’s go Hoit.” I walked to the car also, leaving a car full of kids weeping like babies. I was a bully.


    Chapter 6.

    We turned and made a U turn, and went on our way. I looked at the kids again. They were still crying. That was the ‘BIG SHAKEDOWN’? I looked at Alonzo. He was laughing. “HA HA HAAAAA….Like that sh*t!!” He was sick.
    “That was the shakedown?” I asked.
    “In your dreams Niggah! That was just a little fun on the side. The Shakedown comes later today.” He laughed again. The butterflies came back into my stomach. I took deep breaths again. Alonzo opened the small aluminum packet that the driver had given him. “To be TRULY effective, a narcotics officer, should know Narcotics.” He stuffed the marijuana leaves into the pipe that the passenger had given him. “In-Fact, a GOOD narcotics officer should have Narcotics, in his blood.” He said and put the tip of the pipe on his lips. Was he…
    “What? Are you gonna smoke that man?” I asked and chuckled.
    “Nope.” He took if off of his lips and brought it towards me. “You are.” I laughed. He smiled still holding the pipe near my face.
    “Like hell if I am.” I said.
    “No?”
    “No.”
    “Why? You a Catholic? A Jesus Freak?” He asked.
    “No, man….”
    “Then what’s the problem?”
    “Look, I became a cop to get a rid of all dru….”
    “Yeah, blah blah blah blah blah, this isn’t a review board, and this ain’t cocaine. Come on give it a shot.” I looked at him. He smiled wide biting his bottom lip, and nodded encouragingly.
    “No, man.” I said. He stopped smiling. We were going to cross an intersection. The car screeched to a stop at the middle of the intersection of two streets. I flinched again. He pulled out his pistol from this shoulder holster and pressed it against my temple. I almost had a heart attack. Car Horns started flaring.
    “Yeah! If I was a dealer right now, you’d be dead right now motherfuker! What the hell is wrong with you?” I saw the green light fall on a light. More horns started to penetrate through the glass windows. “You turn down shi* on the street, the captain brings your wife a crisply folded flag!” He put the pistol back in his holster. Car horns continued to flare. I was sweating insanely. I opened the door. A guy had his head sticking out of his window, looking at what was going on. “You know what, I don’t want you on my team, I don’t want you in my car, get out!! Rookie!” He said looking at the pipe. I got flashes of dialogues in my head. ‘You can do it, stick with me and you can do it’ ‘You can be number 20 if you act right.’ I had a choice to make. I made it. The guy in the car started to scream and honk.
    “Alright, give me it.” I said. Alonzo looked at me.
    “What?”
    “I’ll smoke it man. Give me it” I help my palm out. I saw a smile on the corner of hi mouth. He gave me the stuffed pipe and a lighter. I put the pipe on my lips. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. The guy in the car was still screaming and honking. I lighted it and inhaled through the pipe. It felt like a bunch of water had gone down the wrong pipe. I coughed violently.
    “OHH!! Virgin lungs!! Man up now, Man up Niggah!!” I handed Alonzo the pipe. The man was honking louder now. “Get it again dogg! You didn’t even get it-HEY!!!” Alonzo pulled out his Berretta and pointed it at the honking driver. “YOU!! SHUT THE FU*K UP AND WAIT!!!!” The driver’s head popped back in and the honking stopped. I laughed even though it was unethical, and against the law. I inhaled again. Didn’t cough this time. But my head start to feel light. “HA HA HAAAAAAA!! Finish that shi*!” I did it again. This time it felt like I didn’t have a head at all. “HA HA HAAA! Man the fu*k up!” I dropped the pipe on the car floor. He started to laugh. “Let’s go niggah! Let’s go!!” He said and we started to drive ahead.


    TO BE CONTINUED….

    So what do ya think?
    Back after a while...

  8. #17
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Querida's Avatar
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    was worried that the story wouldn't flow but ya proved me wrong very realistic...i like how you made the kids what they were...just kids...it's better to say teens than specify it as late teens or just use age range...kinda confusing with this part:
    I opened the door. A guy had his head sticking out of his window, looking at what was going on. “You know what, I don’t want you on my team, I don’t want you in my car, get out!! Rookie!” He said looking at the pipe.
    I didn't know if "rookie" opened the door to leave...or just opened the door and if Alonzo had said those words until i read rookie...actually this line was coherent enough that i thought the protagonist spoke it... :P

    don't worry about how much time it takes to post it do worry about the quality in which you post....so far so really good

  9. #18
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    Thanks Q!

    Well about that line,

    Hoit opens to door becasue he's sweating due to the excitement if u will. And Alonzo is asking Hoit to leave, and calling him a Rookie. And the guy in the car is just looking to see what was going on.
    Back after a while...

  10. #19
    Member Junior Hubber coltsith's Avatar
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    surya, very good. The pacing is fast and I'm eager for the next chapters. One thing I noticed was when Hoit reaches for the rover and Alonzo tells him to stay off the rover. Is rover a nickname for radio that cops use? In that case maybe you should change it to Hoit reaching for the radio and Alonzo calling it a rover.
    Great job so far!

  11. #20
    Senior Member Veteran Hubber Surya's Avatar
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    C-MAN!
    Yeah, It's like a cop radio thing. Thanks!!!
    Back after a while...

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