THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT!! PLEASE READ IT AND GEIVE SOME FEEDBA

Hi, This is an experiment. It's a rough rought rough draft! Based on a movie called Training Day - Starring Denzel Washington, and Ethan Hawk. I have many improvements that I want to do as far as the style of writing etc. but please give me ur opinions.

It's got some lauguage, and references. But doesn't offend anyone. So please, give me some reviews. :D

Chapter 1.

My name is Jake. Jake Hoit. I’m 25 and have been on Valley Patrol for all my Law Enforcement Career. I woke up scared, nervous, and anxious. Today was the day. The day that would determine if I was a Narc or just another cop writing tickets. I looked up to see my Loretta giving Jeffrey his breakfast. I slowly walked up to her. Jeff looked comfortable in the warmth of her breast. “Good Morning.” She smiled. She always looked enchanting in the morning, the first beams of sunlight that had escaped the shutters landed on her beautiful skin.
“Good Morning.” I replied. “I’ll be right back.” She nodded. I brushed my teeth and took a shower, hoping that might make me feel better. I was wrong. I got dressed and clipped my 9mm Berretta to my belt. The butterflies in my stomach had gotten worse. I took a deep breath, smelt Eggs. Breakfast. I walked into the kitchen and saw Loretta putting eggs and potatoes on a plate.
“Here’s breakfast.” She said. I smiled.
“No thanks. I don’t feel like eating.”
“Eating will make you feel better.”
“No, it’s ok, I’m too nervous to eat. It’s just tha….” The phone rang. Loretta picked it up. I opened the refrigerator for some juice.
“Hi, I’m fine, how about you?” I turned around. It might be my parents, it might be her’s, it might be Johnny, it might be one of her friends, it might be the pope, or it might be him. “Sure,” She smiled into the phone. “Just a second..” she covered the receiver. “It’s Alonzo.” She said. It was him. I walked up to the phone. Exhaled and spoke to the receiver.
“Yeah.”
“Officer Hoit, It’s Alonzo, I’m your supervising officer.” His voice was deep and bold, reminded me of Wesley Snipes. “I’m at the Roadside Café, It’s a Coffee shop on Auburn. You don’t have to be early just be on time. Do you have a firearm, and a back-up?”
“No, I just have the department issue berretta.” I answered hoping that was good.
“That’s fine, bring it along, we probably will stay inside the office the whole day, but we might see some action. I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Yes, but sir..”
“Yes”
“ I just want to thank you or this oppurt…” He hung up. I exhaled, and did the same. I put my palms on the table and tried to breath. Loretta put her hand on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” I turned to face her.
“I just feel like it’s the first day of football practice, I already want it to be tomorrow so I can know the result. It’s just…”
“It’s going to be ok.” She said as she got on her toes to reach my lips. That always made me feel better. No matter what was going to happen. Her magical kiss was the medicine.
“Thanks” I smiled.
“Now go on Officer Hoit.” She smiled back. I kissed her again and headed out the door.

Chapter 2.
Here it was, Roadside Café. I walked in. Many senior citizens sat in groups drinking coffee. I looked around the room. There he was. He was black. His cheeks sagged down a bit. His lips moved as he read the newspaper. His goatee reminded me of Martin Laurence in Nothing to Loose. The florescent lights shined off of the huge shiny Cross on his chain. He was wearing a shoulder holster. In the pockets were two pistols. I couldn’t tell what they were. I walked up to him. “Hi.” I sat down.
“Hello.” His ‘hello’ was inattentive and uninviting. He didn’t take his eyes off of the paper. The waitress walked up to our table.
“No thanks.” I said, she smiled, and walked away.
“Get something, you’ll need it.” He still didn’t take his eyes off the newspaper.
“No, it…”
“Fine don’t.” He didn’t see my face since I walked in. I needed to get his attention.
“So where are we going to..” I started.
“Can you please shut up, I’m trying to read my paper.” His rudeness hit me. I still needed his attention.
“Actually I might get something to eat.” I said hoping he’d look up.
“No you won’t. You fucked that up! Just shut-up, I’m trying to read my paper.” He didn’t look. One side of me told me to shut up, the other told me to talk. Sanatos. I knew that I might be committing suicide. But I still went for it.
“Actually, I would like to eat now.” Almost every muscle in my core was clenched. He looked up. Smiled. The muscles loosened. I smiled.
“Jake, tell me a story.” I was surprised. I wasn’t ready for a story. Maybe I’d tell him about the time I cuffed P-Diddy. Would he believe it?
“My Story?” I asked.
“No. Not YOUR story, A story.” I knew he wasn’t going to fall for the P-Diddy bit.
“I don’t know any stories.” I said with hesitation.
“You don’t know any stories, alright, I’ll tell you a story. You see this?” he asked with his newspaper in his hand. I nodded. “This is a newspaper, it’s 99% bullshit! But it’s entertaining, that’s why I read it, because it entertains me. You won’t let me read it, so you entertain me with your bullshit.” It took me a second to understand his fast speech.
“Ok…A couple years ago, I stopped a DUI.” I started.
“A DUI? Let me load up my guns!” He pushed the butts of his pistols together. “Oh SHIT!” I smiled.
“Anyway, It was a real quite night..”
“BHOOM!!!” He yelled. My body flinched.
“What the…”
“That’s exactly my point, you never know. Continue.” Was that my first lesson for the day?
“Well, me and Michel were..”
“Who’s Michel?”
“Oh Sorry, Michel, my training officer.” A smile appeared at the corner of his mouth.
“You had a female training officer?” He whispered. I nodded not sure what expression to express. He rubbed his butt against the seat like he was getting comfortable. “Oh…Alright…alright.” he had a big smirk on his face. “So what was she? Black, white what?” What did that have to do with what I was about to say?
“She was white.” I answered. He smiled again.
“Was she a ‘lick her license’?” I had no idea what he was saying.
“What?”
“A Lick Her License, A Lesbian, was she a Lesbian?”
“No, she was straight.”
“Alright keep going.” Why was any of this important to him?
“So an Acura pulls out of the driveway, and speeds through the streets. I start blinking the lights, the guy keeps going like I’m invisible for 10 blocks, then pulls over. I check his license, everything’s good, but the car isn’t his. The Acura was reported stolen a couple days ago, so we arrest him, and Michel tells me to check the Trunk. I put him in the patrol car and check the trunk, and guess what I find? 50 k’s of Coke. And 2 double barrel shotguns, Loaded.” He seemed to be into the story now.
“Oh shit.”
“It turns out that this guy was on bail for probation, on his way to smoke his ex-partner in crime. We just prevented his murder. It’s amazing.” I was proud. I must have shown it. He smiled, but for some reason I thought that he would be more satisfied if I told him that Michel and I shagged like animals in the back seat of the patrol car.
“That is amazing. That for 2 years you’re out on the streets with a fine bitch and the best story that you can tell me is about a DUI stop?” He looked at me like I was crazy. “But I don’t think so.” He tilted his head to the left and squinted his eyes. “You tapped that ass didn’t you?” I couldn’t believe what my supervising officer was saying to me. “I mean you put her on the back of that Patrol Car and BHOOM! CODE X!” I didn’t know what to do, so I smiled. “Right?”
I thought of Loretta. “Come one man, I got a wife…”
“You got a dick.” I stopped talking, I stopped moving, was he really my supervising officer? “You do have a dick don’t you?” I nodded. What else was I supposed to do? “Ok the dick lines up like this in front of it alright?” I wished I could go deaf right this second. “It looks inside, on the sides are pockets, in those pockets are money. The dick goes inside, and BHAM!!!” He slammed his palm against the table. I flinched again. “Pay the bill and lets get the fu*k outta here!”[/tscii]

Surya:
The story-line is good and mysterious but the language and some of the references are not to my taste (my opinion only!). :( :(
Having said that, I've voted for YES, coz' am curious to know what will happen....... :wink:

NM, Thanks for the feedback. The point with the language was that he is a ghetto narcotics officer, with very little manners. Sadly this is the lingo that the Ghetto people use most often. :)

Anyone else? :) PLease? Maybe? Yes?

Hey Surya very nice :D ...i love the realistic nature...sad to say but that's how some people really talk/act..it would have lessened the effect if you had tried to be nice with lang. and references...what i would like to say if you don't mind is try to be more subtle with dropping names, more smooth transitions...cause sometimes it comes off as put on...as rehearsed part of package and parcel of a scene...you have to watch that the uniqueness you maintain in your cafe scene exudes all scenes... but you do well to immerse the reader in the story....good characters don't necessarily have to be good themselves...in other words keep writing... :D

i like the way you handle situations with slight humour such as :

Quote:

---

It might be my parents, it might be her’s, it might be Johnny, it might be one of her friends, it might be the pope, or it might be him. “Sure,” She smiled into the phone. “Just a second..” she covered the receiver. “It’s Alonzo.” She said. It was him.

---

Thanks! Well, I can't take all of the credit. the story is Based on a movie. I've borrowed the main idea of the movie. And thought that I might inhance the storyline with writing, because u can express a lot of things in writing that u can't with a movie.

Thanks, the slight humor I usually try to use when the charrecter is stressed, or confused, etc.

Thanks! I'll post the enxt 2 chapters when I'm finished! :D

Anyone else? Please? :D Pretty Please? :D

awww.... :cry:

Anywayz, here are the next two chapters. Tell me what u think. Thanks. :D

Chapters 3-4. First words of Advise.

Chapter 3.
We walked out of the Café. Cars screeched to a stop as the yellow turned into a red. Alonzo started walking across the street. I followed. He walked to a black, shiny Monte Carlo parked in the red no parking zone. Weren’t cops supposed to have Patrol Cars? Weren’t cops supposed to follow rules? There was a purple folded piece of paper on the windshield. A ticket for parking in red. Everyone is equal when it comes to obeying the law. “Go ahead and grab that menu off of the windshield.” He said as he unlocked the car. Menu? What menu? I pulled the purple paper off of the windshield. It said ‘Kung Mao’s Authentic Chinese Cuisine.’ In bold. I looked at the car again. It looked like something you’d see in a hip hop music video. I opened the door and got in. “Go ahead and put that menu in the glove box.” He said. I did.
“What is this?” I asked.
“Cops are supposed to give tickets Jake, not get them. That’s my ticket for parking in red.” He said and chuckled. It took a while for me to understand it. After a couple seconds, I knew what he did. He had parked in red, and folded a menu, to make it look like a ticket, so that other cops wouldn’t bother. Simple trick, but it fooled most cops. Was I supposed to be offended as a Patrol Officer?
“Alright.” He got comfortable in his seat. I looked around the insides of the car. The front had many switches that I had never seen before. The insides were furnished with imitation wood. Expensive. A rover was stuck to a piece of Velcro on the furnished wood.
“This car is not from the motor pool.” I said. A compliment.
“No. But sexy ain’t it?” he said and pushed the key into the ignition.
“So where is the office? Down south?” I asked.
“You in the office baby...” he said and started the car. “going up.” He smiled and switched the unrecognized switches on. The car shook. I put my hands on my head and ducked inside the car. It might be an earthquake. The moving stopped. I looked out, we were 2 more feet away from the ground. The wheels seemed to be further from us than before. I looked at him. “Hydraulics?” I asked. He laughed. They were Hydraulics. Nice. This was the first time I was in a car with Hydraulics. He backed out of the red spot, and drove on to the street and turned left on to the street and started driving.

Chapter 4. :D
“Today is your day Officer Hoit. I’m gonna show you around, give you a taste of the business. I have thirty eight cases pending trail, sixty three active investigations, there’s another three hundred and fifty three case on the log I can’t clear.” He was good, one of the best. “I've supervised nineteen different officers, that nineteen different personalities, nineteen different Narcs. You could be twenty if you act right. I don’t have time to babysit or hold hands, you understand? You’ve got today and today only to show me who and what you’re made of. If you don’t like Narcotics, then get the f*ck out of my car, and get a pus*y desk job in the valley writing ticktes or something.” He looked at me. I nodded. He continued driving. “Good, gonna show you reality, think you can handle it?”
“Yes.” I answered.
“Good, why you wanna be a Narc?” He asked. I gave him the usual.
“I wan’t to serve my community by ridding it of illegal drugs.” He laughed.
“Alright, but why you want to be a Narc?” He WAS good. I laughed.
“I.... want to make Detective.” I said. That was the truth.
“There you go, you can do it, you can do it, stick with me and you can do it. UN-Learn the sh*t that they teach you at the academy alright? Don’t bring none of that sh*t down here. Sh*t’ll get you killed out here.” He said I could make detective if I could stick with him.
“I will do anything you want me to do.” I said with a straight face. I looked at my eyes for a second. Then smiled.
“My Niggah.” He said as he smiled with squinted eyes again. I was shocked. I almost looked away from him. I thought that was only used for people with african origin. “Open the window start with that.” He said as the both of us lowered our windows. “You gotta love the streets you know, you gotta smell it, taste that sh*t!” He said letting a cloud of smoke out of his mouth, and slowed down for the red light. “How’s your Espaniol??”
I had taken it for a year in High School. “hm..Comsci Comsa.” I realized what I’d done right away. He started to drive for the green.
“That’s French motherfu*ker, how’s your Spanish?” He laughed. I’ve never felt like more of an idiot. I might have smiled in an idiotic way. “Learn that sh*t man, these niggers here plotting all kinds of sh*t behind your back! Learn that sh*t!” he said as I saw a group of police officers cuffing a couple Mexicans on the side walk. One of them had a bloddy lip, the other had a knife wound on his left arm. I’d never seen anything like this in the Valley. I was shoked.
“Oh sh*t! You going to teach me that ‘beat up anything that moves, Rodney King s*it?” I asked.
“That day is gone. That’s not how we do things anymore dogg. We don’t roll like that no more.” Said as he moved his head from side to side. “We’re a new breed, now we use this.” He said tapping the side of his head. “These motherfuc*ers out here too strong for that anyway.” He said and looked at my hand, and eyed my wedding ring. “How long you been married?” He asked.
“One year” I said and thought or Lorretta.
“Got a kid right?”
“Yeah, nine month old girl.”
“I got four, boys. If you ever need a boy, let me know, I’ll hook your lady up. I can’t miss.” An istant sensation of anger arised inside me. Then I realized that this might be a test. I smiled.
“Can we not talk about my family?” I said as politely as I could.
“That’s cool.” He smiled. “I can respect that, I got my queen too. I remember what it’s like to have a new bride. You probably fu*k her face to face don’t you?” He was pushing me. I clenched my teeth.
“Can we please not talk about my wife?” I was trying to be polite.
“That’s exactly my point, you’re so in love, that the sh*t is gushing out your eyes! The day you bring your lady to work is the day you don’t go home. You gotta hide that love inside you, or else these maggots on the streets use it and tear you apart!” He looked at my ring again. “Don’t ever wear that to work you understand?” I pulled it off and shoved it in my pockets. He started to seem a bit unusual now. He had, ever since I had met him. “You think I’m crazy right?” He asked. I flinched.
“Uh….”
“Right, don’t lie, I can tell.”
“Uh…I don’t know what to think.”
“Right?”
“Right.” I polishedly admitted it. Maybe I shouldn’t have.
“Good, Good.” He smiled and continued to drive. He wasn’t crazy. “You know where we’re giong right now Officer Hoit?” He asked. I didn’t. I shook my head. “Gear up, your first Shakedown of the day.” He said. Something happened in my stomach. I sat up straight. This was not a good surprice. “Prove to me what you’re made of son.” He had a wicked smile on his face. I started to brethe harder, and checked my gun. It was loaded. Good.

To be Continued….
:)

So what do u think? Eagerly waiting for ur reply.
Surya. 8)

hmmm.... it's captivating all right. I definitely would like to read on your next episodes. You could go a bit easy on the language - though i admit that it is meant to build the narcotics officer in such a character i.e typical guy from the ghetto. (PS : is this how these ppl really talk !!?? :?: - I had always thought the movies had exaggerated their language!)

well sadly the reply to your PS is that filthy language doesn't only come from a officer in the ghettos...i have heard it come from the mouth of babes...barely in grade two....and nice indian kids...i say Surya has actually gone ez on the lang...cause well it could be every second word....anyways Surya hope your not disheartened that it's the same old person rather than someone new commenting on your story....i like it it's captiviting black humour (no pun intended) and realistic...let's see how much more you can dish out... :D

hey there. first post I'm doing here. Surya, I think your story is going great so far. You're doing a good job of helping the reader feel they're in Hoit's shoes. (monologues, etc) Keep on writing! :P