Hey guys,
I wote this a while back, and haven't gotten any solid reviews. Please tell me what u think. :) I know that there are a few tense shifts, and also some gramatical errors. Wrote it in HS.
Here it is.
"Hey mister, spare any change?" The hobo asks.
"I already told you, sorry," I reply and the hobo turns and sulks off down the street. I start to whistle and push my way through the crowded sidewalk. My watch showed 8:47am. As I crossed the street, taxis and busses roar by. I unzipped my jacket and looked up at a building hiding in the corner. Here is the place.
8:52am.
The sliding doors sidestep as I walked inside. A large counter with a man sitting behind it catches my eye. There are two people in line. I stand behind the last person and wait patiently. A miniature camera in the corner peers at me. I immediately look at the counter and spot a black and white TV. It shows a row of people waiting for their turn in front of a counter. The third person in line shows a dark haired man with a bushy mustache. His eyes dart from here to there. He looks familiar. A big clock with red hands on the wall read 9:00am. I cut in line to the teller behind the counter. "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" I ask. He points to the back and says,
"Third door to the right." When I get to the bathroom I knock twice, on one is in there, but I already knew that. I open the door and lock it behind me. I take the top off the tank behind the toilet bowl, there is a clear plastic baggie. I reach in and unzip it, sliding the black machine pistol out, discarding the bag in the toilet bowl and flushing it down. My open jacket which reveals an orange tiger mask with only one slit for the eyes. I pull it over my head and unlock the door. They've already seen my face but tradition is tradition. As I walk back in, a man in the front steps through the front doors, has on the same mask as mine, the metal detector he moves under beeps loudly and disturbs the reclining guard in a chair by the door. The clip of my pistol snaps into place. I inhale for a second, then run into the room.
"Ok everybody, calm down, this is a bank robbery. We ain't gonna hurt you, only the ones that don't cooperate. Understand?" I yell. The man with the other mask pulls out a 12-gauge shotgun. The guard just starts to react, my partner aims the shotgun to his forehead and pushes him back to his seat saying,
"Sit down, you're not going anywhere." The guard tries to pull out his pistol as a loud Bang follows, sending the guard flying across the desk.
"For all you dumb fucks, that means act normal and do as we say or I'll blow your fucking head off!" He says.
"If you have medical issues then you may lean against the wall, otherwise lay down on your chests." I yell as the people in line drop to their chests. "Get the fuck down!" My partner says as I walk up to the teller pointing the gun at him.
"Can you open that safe there please?" I ask. He does not move. "I
said open it! I don't have all fucking day!" I yell and he runs to
the safe and unlocks it. My partner runs to the safe unsoldering two
big empty bags and fills them up with money. "Hurry up, we only got a
minute before the LAPD gets here!" I say looking at my stopwatch. He
throws me a bag and we run out of the bank. Twenty feet away I spot a
Silver Toyota, Avalon. We run inside as I see the hobo, this time
with a shopping cart. I toss a stack of twenties in the cart and slam
the door. He calmly picks it up and runs away. I smile and we ride
off into the distance.
