Now you make it still obscure!!!Quote:
The second.
By this do you mean it was a "second" take or it was the second as in the latter?
You do it on purpose do you? Or is it a talent you are born with? :D
Printable View
Now you make it still obscure!!!Quote:
The second.
By this do you mean it was a "second" take or it was the second as in the latter?
You do it on purpose do you? Or is it a talent you are born with? :D
..........:? :? :? :? :? :? :?..................
It's a natural born talent. :mrgreen:
OHHHH!!!! I just got it!!! :lol:
Sorry, Tubelight! Late-a yerinjalum, pragasamai yeriyum. :lol:
Earlier Chapters are also there, so if u ever feel like reading them please do. :D
Niro!! Where are you???
PS: This is off of the topic, but u gotta vist this, it's hilarious!!!! :lol:
WATCH THIS FIRST: http://www.badmash.org/dishoom.php After the end, you've gotta wait until the song is over and listen to the Bill Clinton Bit!! It's hilarious!!!!!! :rotfl:
Sequel: Who will gay people vote for????? :lol:
WATCH THIS SECOND: http://www.badmash.org/swingers.php
HILARIOUS!!!! :lol: :rotfl:
I think that I might have lost my flow here. But there's a fight scene in here. Please R & R. :D Thanks. 8)
Chapter 7
We were still driving. On what street? I didn’t know. Didn’t care. My mouth was warm, foamy and tasted sour. I tried to look out the window, but it felt like my head was glued to the headrest on the seat. “Heeeeyyy.” Someone spoke. I turned my head. “Yoou aaalll riighht?” It was Alonzo. I think I nodded. Everything was out of focus, blurry. He tossed a can on my lap. “Driiiiink thaaat.” I opened it, and took a sip. What was it? It was sweet, and made my mouth feel and taste better. I gulped the whole thing down. My eyes lids started to close. It felt like weights were strapped to my lashes. The can disappeared from my clutch. I stopped trying to keep it open……
“HEY!!” My body jumped back to life. I was in a car. “Wake up!” It was Alonzo. I sat up rubbing my eyes with my palm. “Good Morning.” He laughed.
“Yeah.”
“Damn! That shi* hit you hard didn’t it? When was the last time u smoke weed?”
“Uh…” I thought. “12th Grade…” I realized that I was talking to my supervising officer. “Uh….well..uh…..we were….”
“Smokin Weed...” He laughed again. So did I. “Left that outta your service jacket didn’t you? Yeah…..I know you got secrets, everyone got secrets.” He looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Didn’t know you liked to get wet though.” Wet?
“What’s wet?” I asked.
“Dippers….P.C.P…..Primos…..Sherm…… Kool…… P-dog……. Angel dust. That’s what you had. What? You didn’t taste it?” I felt like throwing up.
“No…I never had it.”
“You have now, I haven’t but you have.” What happens if I get tested?
“Oh, shi*!! SHI&! SHI*! SHI*!!!” Alonzo laughed. “I’m gonna get piss tested and I’m gonna get fired.” I felt like crying.
“Lieutenants got or back, we know a week before we piss.” He was calm. I was sweating, horrified, scared. Why?
“Why did you do this to me?” I asked. Maybe there were tears at the corner of my eyes.
“I didn’t do shi*! You’re an adult! You make a decision, you live with it!!” He was still calm. “Besides…” he looked at me and smiled. “It’s not like I put a gun to your head.” But he did. He laughed, I don’t know how, but for some reason I knew he had my back. I laughed too. Why? I don’t know. I just did.
We pulled in front of a nice house on a hill in Hollywood. “hey, get your shi* together! This is my road dogg’s house. I wanna see what he thinks of you.” He opened the door and got out. We went up the stairs, I was still al little light headed.. Alonzo knocked the door.
“What do I say?” I asked.
“You’ll think of something stupid.” The door opened. The man was skinny, and old. Maybe mid forties. Judging by the wrinkles on his face, he could pass for sixty. He was in a pink bathrobe, and his beady eyes were sheltered behind hid stylish glasses.
“Hey! Alonzo!!” He welcomed us with a big smile. “Get your as* in here!!” Nice hospitality. We walked in.
“This is my new boy.” Alonzo said after he gave the man a hug.
“Jake, this is Roger, my dogg.”
“Hello.” I said and reached out my hand. He shacked it.
“Hello. Come in. Have a seat.” We did. Roger sat down in front of Alonzo looking concerned. “Heard you had a beef in Vegas.” Beef?
“I’m alright. People talk Shi*.”
“You know I got your back right?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” Alonzo picked up a glass and filled it with scotch, so did Roger. “Jake. Want some?” I shook my head. “Come on dogg don’t be rude.”
“No, it’s alright.”
“Suit yourself.” They clicked their glasses and started to sip. Roger looked at me, smiled, and went back to Alonzo.
“Looks like you got yourself a daisy fresh, scuzz headed rookie.” I think he was referring to my crew cut. He looked back at me. “Where did you grow up?”
“uh..North Hollywood.” I answered. For some strange reason, I was nervous.
“It’s nothing like that here homie!” Roger stopped smiling. “You got the streets figured out?” I nodded. “What?”
“You gotta control your smiles and cries. No one can take them away so... they're all we really have.” How I came up with that, I don’t know. Roger and Alonzo started at me for a long second. Then Roger smiled.
“Sharp kid!”
“Roge, you think this boy can handle undercover?” Alonzo asked.
‘You were just like him.” Alonzo laughed.
“Fu*k You!”
“The same silly as* look and everything. Save the Fuking world.” Roger laughed.
“Yeah, that lasted about a week.” Alonzo said and finished his drink. So did Roger. “I gotta get back to the office dogg!” Alonzo got up. Roger and I did the same. “How far are you?”
“One year away from my retirement. Philippine Islands!! Here I come!!”
“Yeah…let me get in that!” Alonzo chuckled started to walk towards the door.
“You’re invited!” Roger followed.
“Thanks dogg. Jake! Let’s run cuz.” I walked to Roger. He shook my hand.
“Take care Jake, You’re gonna do Okay.” Roger gave me a friendly, assuring smile. I smiled back.
“Thanks.” I said with a smile and walked out.
“Later brother.” They greeted each other and we went down the steps.
Chapter 8.
We were back on the road. I had a feeling that I had just passed a test. Alonzo was smiling at me. “What?” I asked.
“He liked you boy!”
“Who is he?” I asked.
“he’s a good man to know.” We were on a street where many beautiful Chicana women were walking the streets. I looked out the window to my right. We passed by an alley way. There was something going on. It was too quick for me to see what. But somehow I knew it wasn’t good. We passed it.
“Stop the car.” I sat up, and checked for my gun. The car didn’t stop. “Stop the car!”
“Wha…why?”
“Just stop the fuc*ing car!” I pushed the automatic into P. The car screeched to a stop. Horns flared. I opened the door, jumped out and ran for the Alley. I drew my gun and turned. A pink backpack was thrown by corner of the wall and the dumpster. I heard a girl screaming. I ran up behind the dumpster to see a hobo on young girl. I put my gun back in the holster and pulled the hobo off of her.
“Yeah, I’m gonna fu*k you too!” I heard a voice come from behind me. Something hit me hard at the base of my neck. I fell to my knees. The bum in front of me kicked my ribs. I fell on my back. There were two of them. One was white the other was black. The girl was still screaming. I saw Alonzo’s leaning against his car watching the whole show. The white one brought his leg for another kick. I grabbed his leg and managed to get myself on my feet. The black one punched my rib cage again. It felt like a lighting bolt. I didn’t bother with him now. I punched the white one, and he stumbled back a few feet. I turned around to receive a hook from the black one, which sent me moving back and I hit a fence. Alonzo was still watching. The black one tried for another punch, I dodged it and rammed my fist into his solar plexus. He let out air like a deflating balloon, I grabbed his neck and squeezed it just enough for it to hurt badly. He screamed and fell on the ground. I tried to cuff him when I saw the white one get back on his feet. I stopped and ran to him. He swung. I dodged it, now I was behind him. It was now or later, after a few punches. I gave him a strong blow in his kidney region, and grabbed him by his hair. He screamed, I roared and slammed his head against the dumpster, he collapsed to the ground. I could see the black one behind me get to his feet. He was strong for a bum. He put his fists up and started at me. I swerved to the right and he ran into the dumpster, he turned around. I gave him a combo that I had learnt from the academy. Jab, Jab, Jab with my left and a Hook with my right. His nose burst into red mist, and his eyes looked funny. He leaned against the wall and sat down, half conscience. I looked at the girl who was now petrified. I was feeling pain in almost all of my upper body now. I felt like sitting down too.
“Ma Niggah!!!” It was Alonzo. He was smiling wide. “There you go boy! You goy mad squabbles boy!!”
“Thanks for the help.”
“Yeah, you should have shot ‘em!” I looked at the girl. Her nose was bleeding.
“We’re Police Officers. Are you okay?” She nodded. Then I saw a feeling of rage grow inside her on her face. She ran to the white bum who was closest. Alonzo grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
“You fu*ked up! My cousins are from Hill Side Threce and they’re gonna blast you fools! Pinchi Mayates!!!” she was trying to kick him.
“Miss! Relax!” Alonzo tried to pull her away from the hobo. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay, look at my nose man! My mom’s gonna trip outta this shi*”
“Then don’t be walking out here alone. It’s just a nose bleed, put some ice on it, and it’d be alright. What are you doin here? Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”
“I was just going to a ditch party man!” The cuffed bi*ches had come back.
“You almost became a part of the ditch party. Now what did you say? You cousins are from where?”
“Hill Side Threce.” She looked at the closest one. “And you remember that too! Putho!!’
“Alright, get your cousins to get your back, alright?” She nodded. “Alright, now go.” I needed a-
“Hold on, I need a statement.” I said.
“No we don’t need nothing, keep goin.” Alonzo said pointing to the street. She got her backpack and walked to the street, looked back and turned left.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“ Go on, protect and serve brother. Take some free shots at him.”
“I got a punching bag at home alright, these guys belong off of the streets.” Alonzo got down on one knee to talk to one of them.
“You hear that Homie? You wanna go to the booty house? We got plenty of room for you at the booty house.” Why was he asking them if they wanted to go to jail like they had a choice?
“Suck my di*k!” It was the white one. Alonzo chuckled.
“That’s how it starts.” He went to the black one. “What you go? Rocks?”
“No.” Alonzo ran his hand through the bum’s pockets, and pulled out a small roll of twenties.
“You got money though.” In the middle of the twenties was a small glass tube. “Oh…..You lied to me.” He got up, dropping the tube on the ground and stepped on it. Evidence. “You lucky I’m not letting you take that.” He looked at me. “Uncuff this guy, we ain’t racking no arrests.” He said gesturing to the white one.
“What?” I was shocked. We were supposed to arrest them. That’s what we do.
“Do it, un-cuff him, that’s an order.” I did. Alonzo pulled the white one up by his hair and pinned him against the wall with his left while drawing his gun with his right. “Now…what did you want me to do?” He started to cry. “Don’t cry!! What did you want me to do??” The crack-head didn’t answer. “You said suck-my-di*k, isn’t that what you said?” he shook his head. “You didn’t say that? So I’m lying? Isn’t that what you said?” the bum managed to nod. Alonzo pulled out his guns, holding one in each hand. “Alright. You’re wish is my command master.” He said, pushing his pistols against the bum’s groin. “I’ll give you one nut, which one do you want it in? The right? Or the Left?” The bum was sobbing now. Alonzo put his fingers on the trigger. The black one on the floor was watching with his mouth wide open. Alonzo laughed. “Alright, alright, close you’re eyes.” He didn’t. “Close your eyes!!” He did. Alonzo put his guns back and grabbed the hobo’s thighs with his hands. “One….Two….” He got a firm grip. “Three.” He brought his knees back and rammed it into the white one’s groin.
“OOEF!!!” The white one screamed and collapsed, too much in pain to scream again.
“Yeah!! You talk that shit again, I’m gonna rip that tiny di*k of yours off and shove it up that funky as* of yours!! Bit*h!!!” I was too shocked to move. To speak. This day kept making me feel like another criminal. “Damn!! I’m thirsty! I want a beer!!” Alonzo looked at me. “You want a beer?” I just stood there staring at him. “I’ll be in the car man.” He said and walked to the car. I looked at the two pathetic crack-heads. One was almost dying. The other was trying to sniff the area of the broken glass on the ground. I turned and started to walk, when I saw a pink purse on the ground. I picked it up and looked inside. It was a picture of the girl, with her ID. Name: Christina Lopez. Age: 12. I looked at the bum who was sniffing.
“She’s only 12 man.” I said and put the purse in my pocket. He looked up.
“But she’s all woman though bitc*! I’d tax that as* for days.” I felt like kicking his brains out, but somehow I managed to walk back to the car.
To Be Continued.
So, what did you think? :D
ah huh...well Surya to tell ya the truth it sounds like movie dialogue...very cinematic...but yeah the swearing is getting a bit tiring and the plots not moving...try to do it like an episode maybe that will help...maybe you should spend some time developing the characters...something else than just continue the story as it is k? chapter seven started to do that and hence was interesting...chapter eight uhhh not so much
what i do like is again how you maintain your protagonist very well...his thoughts his actions his words it's still flowing good but your Alonso is much too flat a character...menacing yes...intriguing no....which would work out if there were more surrounding flat characters....since it's just the two of you there's some roundedness needed...
oooh and one more thing....es tres no threce amigo...comprendes? :wink: :D
Oui! :D je compadres! Grassyass! :D
You're right. I might have gone a little overboard with the swearing. :lol2: Yeah, also very cinematic, I wrote this part because I forgot where I was going to go with the plot. :banghead: Can't remember. :? So this was just to get my noodle going again about the plot.
Thanks!! :D
Oh and uh...please do excuse my Spansais! :wink:
:lol: ayyo Surya your brand of espanol is enough to put my teacher into retirement! :D
Oh....so that's why Ms.Lopez, my spanish teacher quit!! :o :shock: :cry:
Regards. :lol2:
Hi Surya
I stumbled upon this thread.
Good going but there are some suggestions.
Don't reply to each comment (including this one) until the novel is finished. Bouquets and brickbats will follow eventually. Otherwise both you and the audience lose interest in the plot.
Try to number your chapters like 1/15, 2/15,... so we don't end in a anti-climax.
Give dates of publication of the next chapter beforehand.
I too am thinking of something like this at teakada.com
Congrats anyway!
:thumbsup: